How do I ask DH politely

[mintyfreshh]

To STFU when he leaves the house at 5am tomorrow?

Occasionally for work he has very early starts, and acts exactly as he would getting up three hours later. I'm talking running up and down the stairs every two minutes (the concept of consolidating stair journeys is lost on him), humming incredibly loudly to himself the entire time he's getting ready, snapping on the overhead lights everywhere (including over me in bed) showering with the door open and slamming the front door behind him. He is a stomper too, you can hear him walking around all day long.

I am then left knackered with two small kids who are up for the day, who become increasingly cranky as the day progresses from lack of sleep.

I used to leave much earlier than him for work, pre kids. I would shower the night before, organise everything in my bag so I didn't have to keep running up and down for things, have my clothes laid out ready etc etc.

I have gently asked a few times if he would do those things before the early starts and he always swears he will, but never does. I know he will get very defensive if I try to explain how (bloody selfish he is being!) it impacts the rest of us.

WWYD to minimise disruption? Any other stompy DHs out there?

Don’t tell him to shower the night before if he is a sweaty sleeper (bitter experience) but he can get dressed downstairs and pack his things the night before.

You're trying very hard to avoid conflict.

Stop doing that, it's not working for you or your children

Times I leave at that time to go to work, it’s not possible to tippy toe
I try be quiet,lay the clothes out in another room bag prepacked
I shower in en-suite
Radio and breakfast elsewhere

And no I’ll not be going to a hotel as a punishment because the house gets wakened. I have been getting up early for years dp and kids used to it

A Bit of noise Them the breaks

He's doing on purpose because as a grown man he is quite capable of controlling his own behaviour and doesn't think that anyone is as important as him.

You say he showers with the door open, is it an en suite? If so tell him to fuck off to the main bathroom.
Tell him to get his shit organised the night before and be fucking quiet as it is making you unhappy.

If he still does it, it shows how little respect he has for you.

To hell with the polite, I'm firmly on STFU team.

He's very awkward and lumbering and unaware of the noise he creates

Yeah this is one of those "men don't see mess", "men can't use a washing machine", "men can't check the fridge for milk before going to the shops" things.

Its more accurately "he doesn't care enough" and "he has an overwhelming sense of entitlement".

Being the main earner (if he is) in a partnership doesn't make it ok to be an entitled twat.

kill him

In a concerned voice say I think I’ll arrange for you to get a hearing and sight check as it’s obvious that you are unaware of how much noise you are making and how you find it difficult to see in half light. Reassure him that it is age related and nothing to be ashamed of....

@mintyfreshh

He's not rudely inconsiderate, just oafish. He's very awkward and lumbering and unaware of the noise he creates. He didn't even know he hummed, I was like 'You hum CONSTANTLY'

That's an excuse for the first time. But you've had to raise it a few times. So he knows.

Make him shower before he goes to bed.

I have early starts and would not stand at all for DH telling me when to shower. We have decided that my job is worthwhile in a family context I am not a second class citizen!

I don’t believe he’s unaware of the noise he creates. At that time in the morning all noises are very bloody obvious.

If he genuinely can’t hear it then he needs to get himself to the doctor pronto to get his hearing checked.

I have early starts too.

I start at 2am. Why would I disturb my entire family because I had to have a shower at 1am?

@Teateaandmoretea

Make him shower before he goes to bed.

I have early starts and would not stand at all for DH telling me when to shower. We have decided that my job is worthwhile in a family context I am not a second class citizen!

I agree that ‘making’ him shower before bed is nonsense. It’s perfectly doable to shower in the morning without waking the whole house.

I wouldn’t like to not shower after a nights sleep.

Even if hes clumsy he should make the effort to be more careful and aware of himself.
I have a very clumsy noisy dp who leaves at 4.30, he gets up sneaks out quietly so he doesnt wake us, including dbaby who is sleeping in our room.
Your dh is being really selfish and you need to stop asking him nicely.

Lots of swear words, lots of imaginative threats. Lose your shit at 5 in the morning. Throw a cup at the wall, make it dramatic 😂

He might not realise how loud he is being.

But it takes a special kind of stupid to not realise putting an overhead light on is going to wake someone up.

Either that or he is pissed off he is having to get up earlier than you and doing it deliberately

I have early starts and would not stand at all for DH telling me when to showers

So you feel entitled to wake up the household to suit your personal preferences? Or do you actually not disturb anyone in which case its not a comparable situation.

Forget politely. Try directly.

Have you got a spare room? If so tell him you're sleeping in there due to his noise in the mornings and do it! Personally I would tell him in no uncertain terms that's he's selfish. DP can get up (same bed), shower dress and leave and I don't hear him so it can be done! If he finds he unable to then perhaps have a couple of extra hours lay in at the weekend whilst he looks after the kids. Could also make a good point to him.

I shower daily before work. I’m an adult my dp doesn’t get to tell me when to shower to suit his convenience
Generally shower too on returning from work esp if it’s hot or been an arduous day

humming incredibly loudly to himself the entire time he's getting ready

This would tip me over the edge. Is he a bit thick, or just a twat?

He knows how loud he is, he just doesn't care
He sounds very inconsiderate

My DH (main wage earner) used to get his clothes ready downstairs the night before when he had to leave early (I was stay at home). We have two sets of toothbrushes and he just used the downstairs one. Also shaved and showered the night before.
When I now go before him, I do the same thing. It’s called being considerate.
He used to put his alarm on for the morning and when it went off he would snooze it. Which meant, that I woke up once when his alarm first went off, then fell back asleep again if I was lucky only to be woken up again when the snooze finished. Let’s just say I only had to threaten to to smash the alarm clock once for him to get the message that I don’t make empty threats 😀

@Pebblexox

Sounds very similar to my husband. We've just learnt to work our routine around him. So me and DD are up at 5 with him, then she goes to bed earlier in the evening. Is this not an option for you? Unfortunately I've found with one parent leaving earlier, unless they just roll out of bed and out the door noise is going to happen.

Seriously?

I have 5am starts, and in order not to disturb DH I plan ahead by having my outfit and bag ready in another room the night before.

In winter I also shower, wash and blow dry hair the night before (as I don't sweat overnight). I don't put the bedroom light on at all!

It's totally possible to be careful of other people, your DH and OP's are being really twatty!

Stop being so polite, I'm sure he doesn't realise how annoying it is. When he put the light on didn't you immediately ask him to turn it off and keep it down?

He’s doing it on purpose because he’s got to get up and you haven’t. Tell him to STFU.