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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH hasn’t told me where he is or when he’s coming home

147 replies

Wimbledon1983 · 01/09/2020 15:14

We have a four month old dd. DH lost a job due to corona and is trying to set up a business. He had a meeting this morning with his partner and said he would only be two hours. I checked online banking as I was doing my budgeting and he has since gone to the pub a train journey away from where the meeting was (pub owned by a friend). He hasn’t texted or phoned.

AIBU to be pissed off? What should I do, phone him or wait? We are also skint so I resent him spending money on beer.

I don’t resent him seeing friends but I wish he would clear it with me rather than going awol. And wish he would let me know rather than making me wonder if I should phone him. And I think he should be doing stuff on his business when he has time.

OP posts:
AbyssusAbyssumInvocat · 01/09/2020 15:24

Perhaps the meeting didn't go to plan and he needs some time to recoup? I don't think he needs to clear being out with you... he is a grown man. If he was to be some time I would expect him to message as a courtesy. Maybe message him to ask how the meeting went?

BigBadVoodooHat · 01/09/2020 15:37

I don’t resent him seeing friends but I wish he would clear it with me

Are you his mum?

Original poster
Wimbledon1983 · 01/09/2020 15:40

Thank you for the comments, they’re reassuring as it means I’m being too much. I guess if it were me I would drop him a message to say I was going to see a mate and would be later than I said. I do think that’s reasonable if the other partner is at home with a baby ?

I think I’ll bank this and have a day out with a friend myself maybe

OP posts:
Redraptor · 01/09/2020 15:40

Sorry but yabu. Hes just taking some time either on his own or with his partner. If hed disappeared 2 days ago I'd say call but he really doesn't need to report to you just because you have a baby

AriettyHomily · 01/09/2020 15:42

A little over the top OP, if he rolls in a 2am you might have a point but it's 1540 in the afternoon.

Original poster
Wimbledon1983 · 01/09/2020 15:43

This is great! Thank you for the bluntness. This is why I love Mumsnet, the voice of sanity

OP posts:
dworky · 01/09/2020 15:45

@BigBadVoodooHat

I don’t resent him seeing friends but I wish he would clear it with me

Are you his mum?

No, she's the mother of his child who is not her responsibility, solely.
MegaClutterSlut · 01/09/2020 15:45

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that a quick text wouldn't of hurt imo. The thing that would piss me off the most though is being skint and him wasting money on beer

AlwaysCheddar · 01/09/2020 15:47

Sorry but he should have text you to let you know, IMO. Sounds like it was an important meeting in a precarious situation so an update wouldn’t have hurt.

katy1213 · 01/09/2020 15:48

I was going to say you're quite the ball and chain - but you've calmed down. Arrange a nice day out with your friend and don't be too precise about when he can plan on seeing you back.

Whyongtime · 01/09/2020 15:48

I agree op. I wouldn't be pissed off that he had gone pub for a drink but would be pissed off that he hadn't let me know. To posters saying "are you his mum" no but she is wife at home looking after their child, and by the sounds of it struggling with money

ShellsAndSunrises · 01/09/2020 15:49

I don't think it would have hurt him to send you a text but unless it's a constant battle, I'd let this one go.

And I think he should be doing stuff on his business when he has time.

Careful with that, though. I have a business. It's now our only income as my husband has lost his job, too. It's really important to take breaks from it, even more so when you're in the early stages, as it can feel relentless and has little reward. If you have concerns about whether he's actually making an effort, or putting the work in, they are valid - but if he is, he will need breaks too.

Ideally not breaks that involve spending much, if you're skint, but again I'd let that go if it isn't part of a wider pattern of overspending or blowing the budget...

lucie8881 · 01/09/2020 15:51

I'd be pissed off if my husband said he was doing something work related but then went off to the pub without so much as a text. Surely it's just showing a little bit of consideration to your partner?

If it were the other way around I would call or send a message. Not because I would be seeking permission but more so DH wouldn't be wondering where I was, it's common courtesy.

WendyHoused · 01/09/2020 15:51

I'll be honest, it took a good few months from having first DC for my DH to think it necessary to let me know when he'd be back or if he was going out.

He assumed I'd do the childcare all the time rather than thinking "I'll come home after that meeting because of the baby, and Wendy was up doing feeds all nigbnt so will need a break." We had some -shouty- constructive discussions about that in the first 6 months.

AryaStarkWolf · 01/09/2020 15:54

I would wait to see how long he stays out/how much he spends before I got mad about it. If you're really struggling for money and he blows a lot on drink then of course I'd be pissed off, if he's gone for 2 drinks i would get over it

Original poster
Wimbledon1983 · 01/09/2020 15:55

Oh now I don’t know what to think....

It’s not a pattern since baby was born no, but when he was working he did this a fair amount. Then again I don’t think I was reasonable to be that upset as we didn’t have any kids.

I am completely the opposite in terms of politeness / letting him know about my movements.

I think when he’s had a couple he just completely loses himself in the situation, which i don’t.

OP posts:
LadyLairdArgyll · 01/09/2020 15:56

If he's mature enough tell you he's going to be in a meeting with his business partner, then he's mature enough to tell you he won't be home as he's continued onto another location. What the fuck is the problem with that, it's simple manners ? Confused

lifestooshort123 · 01/09/2020 15:57

A text message asking how the meeting went would be in order - he needs to 'adult' as well.

nanbread · 01/09/2020 15:59

I would text him to ask if he was ok in that instance. I might be annoyed he didn't have the courtesy to let you know when he'd be back if, for example, he said he'd be back by lunch.

I would be pissed off if this sort of thing became a regular occurrence, as it sounds like you can't afford it.

peachgreen · 01/09/2020 15:59

Sorry but being relaxed about whereabouts goes out the window when you have a

peachgreen · 01/09/2020 15:59

Unless he'd be fine with you going out without letting him know and leaving him with the baby?

audweb · 01/09/2020 15:59

I think it’s rude. You have a four month old baby, surely it’s just manners to double check that you’re ok with holding down the child care while he goes off to the pub? What would happen if you just disappeared out without explanation and left him with baby? If the answer is that he would be annoyed, then there’s your answer. If he wouldn’t mind, then just do that one day. Take some time for yourself. starting a business is hard, so is looking after a small child.

Jaxhog · 01/09/2020 16:00

If he's mature enough tell you he's going to be in a meeting with his business partner, then he's mature enough to tell you he won't be home as he's continued onto another location.

Exactly. This REALLY pisses me off. It's saying my time is more important than your time. Like you have nothing better to do than wait for his majesty grace you with his presence. A text takes just a few seconds.

Original poster
Wimbledon1983 · 01/09/2020 16:04

**I would text him to ask if he was ok in that instance. I might be annoyed he didn't have the courtesy to let you know when he'd be back if, for example, he said he'd be back by lunch.

Isn’t that quite passive aggressive though? I think if I did he would see it as that. I would prefer to just tell him I would appreciate if he’d texted me when I see him later.

He is pretty laid back about me going out and never texts or phones if I’m late. That could be because I always let him know where I am. I don’t want to not be courteous just because he isn’t, I think that’s a shitty relationship habit to get into.

OP posts:
Deathraystare · 01/09/2020 16:10

Some of you may think she is being too much but I bet if she went out he would want to know where she is and when home (especially if he was left holding the baby!)

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