Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH hasn’t told me where he is or when he’s coming home

147 replies

Wimbledon1983 · 01/09/2020 15:14

We have a four month old dd. DH lost a job due to corona and is trying to set up a business. He had a meeting this morning with his partner and said he would only be two hours. I checked online banking as I was doing my budgeting and he has since gone to the pub a train journey away from where the meeting was (pub owned by a friend). He hasn’t texted or phoned.

AIBU to be pissed off? What should I do, phone him or wait? We are also skint so I resent him spending money on beer.

I don’t resent him seeing friends but I wish he would clear it with me rather than going awol. And wish he would let me know rather than making me wonder if I should phone him. And I think he should be doing stuff on his business when he has time.

OP posts:
Reubenshat · 01/09/2020 17:50

This used to drive me bonkers when dh was doing the same. He quit his job one day and said he was going to start his own business. He would go off to meetings and come back hours later, he wasn’t a drinker but often met in pubs ect..

I on the other hand would have kept him up to date.

I can see why you would have been pissed off ( as I was) but he was out grafting and didn’t want to check in all the time he preferred to fill me in when he got back.

But yeah .. used to piss me off too as I’d be clock watching

FOJN · 01/09/2020 18:02

I wouldn't be bothered by where he's gone (although I understand about spending money in the pub when you're not flush) or how long he's been gone but I'd be pissed off that he's not sent a text to let you know; he's been out for hours longer than he told you he would be. It's thoughtless and rude.

Floralbean · 01/09/2020 18:04

Why are spouses supposed to put up with being treated without common courtesy?

I think some people have exceptionally low standards.

itsgettingweird · 01/09/2020 18:07

@Floralbean

Why are spouses supposed to put up with being treated without common courtesy?

I think some people have exceptionally low standards.

Agree
NotImpossible · 01/09/2020 18:10

I'd be annoyed. What if OP, knowing he'd be about 2 hours, decided to make plans for later which relied on him taking over childcare? And then had to hang about waiting for 4+ hours with no idea what's happening? Why does he get to assume that she's 'there', looking after his child, without checking in? A text would take seconds.

mrpumblechook · 01/09/2020 18:16

I would be really pissed off if I had a young child especially if finances were an issue. He is a parent too and it isn't just your responsibility to look after your child. Both of you need to consult the other if you want to go out.

itsgettingweird · 01/09/2020 18:16

He's about common curtesy.

I went to town the other day to do some stuff and ds (16) was online with friends and didn't want to come. Said I'd be about 2 hours.

1.5hrs in I'd finished and bumped into a friend and we went for coffee.

This was following text conversation with ds

Me: bumped into friend X. Going for coffee. Will be bit longer.

Ds: ok, thought you'd be about 2 hours anyway.

Me: now it'll be more like 3!

Ds: 🤣

It's not that ds feels I have to answer to him or I feel I have to tell him my every move. It's just courtesy to let someone know you'll be longer than you said so they don't worry.

notacooldad · 01/09/2020 18:19

The thing that would piss me off the most though is being skint and him wasting money on beer
why is it a waste?
Serious question Sometimes all the joy is sucked out of life when you are pretty skint, just to have a beer or a coffee or a cake or whatever can just be a lift that makes things a little better. If it was pissing money away all the time it would be a problem.

Oh now I don’t know what to think
Try thinking for yourself.

You know if you are the one that is always left holding the baby or not.
You know if he goes on a bender all the time or not
You know if he has form for disappearing for hours or if he just needs to clear his head or have a catch up and a couple of jars with his mate.
I wouldn't report in to DH if I changed my plans over a couple of hours.
DH was quite competent at looking after babies while I went out with mates, even when we were skint and struggling as he knew I would be back and not to be stupid and that I needed to let my hair down. Your DH is trying to set up a business and he has just gone with the flow.
I also wonder what kind of banking shows up payments in real time? Mine appear a day or two later on my online statement
Mine shows up on the pending section immediately. I spent £19.50 on sweets yesterday and it was in the pending section and my balance reduced by the time I got to my car.

Once you have kids, trips to the pub have to be run past the other person first, as it means leaving them in sole responsibility for the child. Just as a matter of courtesy!
Blimey, as a young mum I didn't get that memo! DH managed perfectly ok I am pleased to say and 25 years later everything is all good!

GabsAlot · 01/09/2020 18:20

if someone says they'll be about 2 hours and it turns into 7 isnt that a bit rude

id be worried i have anxiety anyway so this wouldnt help-if he said he'd be all day in the firs tplace that would be different

IntermittentParps · 01/09/2020 18:20

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that a quick text wouldn't have hurt

Me too, and DP and I don't have a baby/any kids, or any real responsibilities. It's just basic consideration so the other person knows not to worry.

positivelynegative · 01/09/2020 18:22

Him: Bye off to a meeting, should be a couple of hours
Her: Bye, see you later.
3 hours later
Him: hi, I'm off to see Barry too now, does that work for you?
Her: yes, it's fine. See you later

How hard is that? My DH will run plans by me, and I him, as I'm not the default babysitter in our house.

mrpumblechook · 01/09/2020 18:22

What is good for the goose is good for the gander . Perhaps tomorrow morning you can say that you're just popping out for an hour but then not come back for the rest the day leaving him looking after your DD. Tough luck if that means he can't do whatever he has planned to do that day because he doesn't know when you will be back.

Intelinside57 · 01/09/2020 18:22

I think that most partners would have dropped you a text, or rung you, just to say they would be out and about for much longer than they expected. I wouldn't be very happy if my partner did this and no - I'm not his mum.

BoomBoomsCousin · 01/09/2020 18:23

I’m with he posters who think he should have texted to say his plans had changed.

I think this would be the considerate thing to do when you have lead someone to believe you will see them again at a certain time. Not that he should get permission, but that he should be courteous.

But when there is a small child at home then there is also an obligation to check it’s okay with the other caregiver. Waltzing off on a whim isn’t okay because you aren’t just doing your own thing, you’re making the other person spend their time as the only caregiver. That’s not something only one of you should dictate, it needs to be a fair negotiation.

Faraway20 · 01/09/2020 18:24

It's just manners to let the person you live with know at least your vague whereabouts or roughly how long you'll be out. I'll say I'm nipping out to do X and if I then go and do Y and Z after I'd text and say don't wait in for me/cook tea etc.

AdaColeman · 01/09/2020 18:35

If I were you @Wimbledon1983, I’d have my dinner, settle baby, get into a book or boxed set, and he can see to himself whenever he rolls in.

rwalker · 01/09/2020 18:42

TBH it's something i'd do but it's very two way and we are very much see you when I see you type of setup .
When DW goes out wouldn't occur to me to ask what time she would be back if we didn't have plans .

Wakemeupwhenthisisover · 01/09/2020 18:42

Ok I think I was hasty earlier. Now it’s bloody rude. When it was the afternoon and no contact I think ok you just call him. Now I’d be pissed odd. No contact all day isn’t ok.

mrpumblechook · 01/09/2020 18:44

@rwalker

TBH it's something i'd do but it's very two way and we are very much see you when I see you type of setup . When DW goes out wouldn't occur to me to ask what time she would be back if we didn't have plans .
Do you have young children?!
AbyssusAbyssumInvocat · 01/09/2020 18:53

I absolutely love your attitude here! You're very understanding with our bluntness.

I always set a time limit in my head that if I haven't heard by, I will chase.

Is he back yet? Has he spent a lot of money? I wouldn't pull him up on it if he hasn't spent a lot. Even if he has, I would only make a passing comment if it wasn't common and it didn't have a significant impact!

Timekeeper2 · 01/09/2020 18:56

When you have a young child, and you yourself having a 4 month old baby, then that is when life changes. You are no longer the carefree young couple where if one disappears for a whole day, there is no affect on you. You only have yourself to look after. But some men (and occasionally women) honestly expect to carry on as a person without any responsibilities. Having a baby changes absolutely EVERYTHING. Communication is a must, one of you can't just.....take off for most of the day without letting the other parent know. That's basic common sense and called being a mature adult. At least I would have thought, until I started reading this thread.

When he gets home have a good talk to him tonight. He is no longer a teenage guy, he is a father now. And that changes everything. He can't just come and go as he pleases (neither can you), and if you are skint and you have a newborn baby, all the more reason for him to be responsible with money. So many men expect NOTHING to change when a baby comes along. It's nuts.

Timekeeper2 · 01/09/2020 18:58

Forgot to say that if he's been drinking for half the day, he probably won't be in a fit state to cook anything anyway.

user1481840227 · 01/09/2020 19:00

When you have a baby at home you don't tell your partner you're just going to a meeting and will be back in 2 hours....and then head off to the pub during the afternoon on a Tuesday Confused

tiredanddangerous · 01/09/2020 19:05

I'd be pissed off. He's effectively told you he's working and gone to the pub. It's not ok to tell you he'll be 2 hours and still be out after 6 with no contact.

RealBecca · 01/09/2020 19:06

Wait, what? He said he would be back in 2 hours and 6 hours later you call asking him what he wants for tea? WTF.

No he doesn't need to clear anything with you but to bugger 9ff all day and leave you holding the baby is really shitty and unkind.