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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH hasn’t told me where he is or when he’s coming home

147 replies

Wimbledon1983 · 01/09/2020 15:14

We have a four month old dd. DH lost a job due to corona and is trying to set up a business. He had a meeting this morning with his partner and said he would only be two hours. I checked online banking as I was doing my budgeting and he has since gone to the pub a train journey away from where the meeting was (pub owned by a friend). He hasn’t texted or phoned.

AIBU to be pissed off? What should I do, phone him or wait? We are also skint so I resent him spending money on beer.

I don’t resent him seeing friends but I wish he would clear it with me rather than going awol. And wish he would let me know rather than making me wonder if I should phone him. And I think he should be doing stuff on his business when he has time.

OP posts:
Wakemeupwhenthisisover · 01/09/2020 16:33

@Wimbledon1983 I think you’re making a big deal out of nothing. it’s not worth the childish sulking. Yes he should have given you a courtesy text. It’s not worth you getting upset for though as it’s only upsetting you, not him. He’s off having a great time. Pick your battles sometimes.

ClementineWoolysocks · 01/09/2020 16:44

@Wimbledon1983

The replies are really interesting on this, it’s pretty evenly split.

I think I’m going to bank a day out, ask him to do the washing as he’ll be feeling guilty and ask him nicely if he could text me if he’s going to be a lot later than he thought next time.

That is if he’s not out till 2am - then I’ll post back here and not be very happy.

Your husband lost his job and is trying to set up a business, is he stressed and running away for a little bit? It might be immature and inconsiderate but he might just need a bit of time to get his head together. I don't think tit for tat is ever a good idea in a relationship, he isn't a naughty schoolboy who needs punishing with chores.
tornadoalley · 01/09/2020 16:47

How does online banking show you he has gone on a train journey and to a pub? Or did you deduce that from the payments?

Either way he doesn't need permission to go somewhere to meet a business partner and doesn't need permission or a travel pass from you.

As for the relevance of a 4 month old baby. Do you need his presence to parent for a few hours as some are saying?

If you don't like this just ask for his itinerary in future.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/09/2020 16:51

As for the relevance of a 4 month old baby. Do you need his presence to parent for a few hours as some are saying? I don't think anyone said that, did they? Just that OP is sat wondering... and witht he things you can wonder when someone goes off radar, having a 4 month old to hand can't be making it easier for her!

But now you have mentioned it... why does he feel entitled to disappear? What is it about him that makes this OK? Why are so many women here finding excuses for his shabby behaviour? He only had to send a text... to his wife, sat at home wondering why he hasn't come home when he said he would! It's rude! Not the end of the world rude, but thoughtless and not particulaly pleasant in a partner.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 01/09/2020 16:52

He should definitely have let you know!

No, she's the mother of his child who is not her responsibility, solely.

^^
This

Once you have kids, trips to the pub have to be run past the other person first, as it means leaving them in sole responsibility for the child. Just as a matter of courtesy!

ancientgran · 01/09/2020 16:53

This is why I have my own account so OH does not know everything I buy and where I have been to the second. He has his own account too. It seems awfully intrusive to be honest. Couldn't agree more, absolutely suffocating. One of the nightmares of mobile phones, we used to be able to escape work/family without this level of checking and phoning every five minutes.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 01/09/2020 16:53

You always get people acting contrary on here these days, and those saying “are you his Mum” etc are being just that.

ShalomToYouJackie · 01/09/2020 16:53

I don't think YABU. If i said i was going somewhere for 2 hours and knew I'd be longer than that, I'd give DP a call or text to let him know my plans.

Has he contacted you yet?

Original poster
Wimbledon1983 · 01/09/2020 16:59

Nope! Nada, still waiting. Baby is being pretty good today and I am enjoying the quiet time whilst she naps to be honest. But I am annoyed. I do think men feel they have the leeway to act like this whereas women would not with a small baby involved. Ufff.

OP posts:
sadie9 · 01/09/2020 17:00

Text him and say 'are you OK? You said you'd be 2 hours so just checking before I start ringing the police LOL'

AryaStarkWolf · 01/09/2020 17:01

@ShalomToYouJackie

I don't think YABU. If i said i was going somewhere for 2 hours and knew I'd be longer than that, I'd give DP a call or text to let him know my plans.

Has he contacted you yet?

Same, just out of courtesy and because they have a baby, to check whether that was ok with her and that she hadn't wanted to do something herself without the baby
vanillandhoney · 01/09/2020 17:02

@Wimbledon1983

Nope! Nada, still waiting. Baby is being pretty good today and I am enjoying the quiet time whilst she naps to be honest. But I am annoyed. I do think men feel they have the leeway to act like this whereas women would not with a small baby involved. Ufff.
No, your DH feels he has that kind of leeway. Possibly because he knows you're home so you're "there" anyway.
CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/09/2020 17:03

As she said ealrier, @sadie9, OP has no inclination to check up, play mum, nag etc. That she has thought that tells us a bit more about her relationship...

Original poster
Wimbledon1983 · 01/09/2020 17:03

Yes I’m sure he needs quiet time with all the stress and I don’t begrudge him that. We’ve had a shit half year to be honest - baby also has a chromosomal disorder diagnosed when I was 25 weeks pg so we have been dealing with that as well as money and covid nonsense. I can completely understand the need to blow off steam but I would like to know if his plans change.

OP posts:
ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 01/09/2020 17:08

If my DH had a morning meeting that was expected to last no more than a couple of hours and I was home with a baby, at the very least I'd expect a text or call letting me know if he had decided to stay out post-meeting, especially 5+ hours later. Basic courtesy.

Why are spouses supposed to put up with being treated without common courtesy?

Crazycakelady17 · 01/09/2020 17:08

He should let you know especially when your at home with a 4 month old my youngest is 10 and hubby always lets me know if he’s going to be out later than he’s said

Original poster
Wimbledon1983 · 01/09/2020 17:17

Tried to ring but no answer. Angry

OP posts:
iklboo · 01/09/2020 17:17

'Hi. Just wondering what you fancy for tea / do you fancy picking up a takeaway from (local place) on your way in / can you bring milk / should I put tea on' type text. Neutral & gives him chance to let you know where he is off his own bat without you directly asking.

ThirstyGhost · 01/09/2020 17:19

I think it's courtesy to let you know where he is. Apart from anything else you start to worry after a while, or at least I know I do. Just a wee text would be fine. Unless his fingers have fallen off, it would take 5 seconds to say that he's gone to the pub. People chuck around terms like "controlling" and "suffocating" far to freely on here. OP wasn't going to say no to him blowing off steam in the pub. Just be nice to know where he is.

Original poster
Wimbledon1983 · 01/09/2020 17:23

Ok finally got a message saying he’d gone to see his friend, after I caved and rang. Offering to cook dinner etc. Though I don’t know if he’ll be back in time.

Also still annoyed about money. Don’t know if I should pull him up on that

OP posts:
Mintychoc1 · 01/09/2020 17:25

I can’t believe the people on here who think this is OK.
It’s not fair to go our for 2 hours and not be home 6 hours later, especially when your partner is at home with your baby. It sounds as if he’s gone on a bender if he’s in a pub, which is completely out of order. Yeah yeah he’s stressed etc blah blah, aren’t we all, I doubt OP is having the time of her life either.
His behaviour is disrespectful.

TheSoapyFrog · 01/09/2020 17:27

My bank account show up transactions pending straight away, including where the purchase was made.
I think it would be a courtesy to let you know if he was going to be a bit late. I wouldn't call for the first couple of hours though. But if it turned into hours and he was spunking all the money away, then I would be cross.

SBTLove · 01/09/2020 17:29

He’s not home by 3pm or explained himself and you’re annoyed??
Would you like him checking up on you and expecting to know your movements?
How did we survive without tracking our DPs every move?
Chill out and enjoy the dinner he makes.

I8toys · 01/09/2020 17:41

Don't think YABU. Takes two seconds to text and tell you what he's doing.

candycane222 · 01/09/2020 17:42

Hmm, not very courteous considering he did actually tell you how long he would be, and then he wasn't back after all.

Id be very pissed off thet he was drinking and basically acting as though you and the baby mattered less than the beer.

As you anticipate, possibly by this hour he'll be back too late to cook and also a bit sloshed - though maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised. My dh used to do this sometimes. I made ig clear that whether ornot i was being 'reasonable' I didn't like it at all and as it isn't hard to ring, he agreed hd always would as ig was important to me. And he always does now.

I think its just basic politeness to be honest. I think its nog unreasonable ov him to want to kick back, but supposing you'd been having a bad day with the baby....