DH hasn’t told me where he is or when he’s coming home

[Wimbledon1983]

We have a four month old dd. DH lost a job due to corona and is trying to set up a business. He had a meeting this morning with his partner and said he would only be two hours. I checked online banking as I was doing my budgeting and he has since gone to the pub a train journey away from where the meeting was (pub owned by a friend). He hasn’t texted or phoned.

AIBU to be pissed off? What should I do, phone him or wait? We are also skint so I resent him spending money on beer.

I don’t resent him seeing friends but I wish he would clear it with me rather than going awol. And wish he would let me know rather than making me wonder if I should phone him. And I think he should be doing stuff on his business when he has time.

The best meetings are in the pub.

Gosh, just give him space. You aren't experiencing an emergency at home that you need to be in constant contact. I would feel dreadfully suffocated in this relationship.
I also wonder what kind of banking shows up payments in real time? Mine appear a day or two later on my online statement.
Please chill. A man doing this would be told he is controlling and doesn't trust his partner.

I think if it’s not a regular occurrence then don’t make a big deal of it - unless he’s there for ages and/or spends lots!

But there’s nothing wrong with saying something along the lines of “you’re later than I expected” when he arrives home, Most likely he’ll tell you all about it anyway and you can casually let him know while you have no problem with it, it would be appreciated if he could send you a text to let you know he’ll be a bit later, so you’re not expecting him back to help with the baby. Had this conversation myself and my DH always sends me a quick text now and we’re both a lot happier for it.

no yanbu at all OP. I have a 9 month old and would be pissed if my partner said he was going to only be 2 hours and ended up being triple that. I'm sure he wouldnt be impressed the other way round if he was the one holding the baby.

this is how mothers are expected to be treated though, it's so unfair and unbalanced! other way round you would be getting told off for leaving your partner with your 4 month old baby all day after saying youd only be a couple hours. this mindset has to stop.

I reckon he went on his own to see his friend the landlord though. I think his business partner is a bit of an introvert / wouldn’t be that in to going.

Could be wrong though...

Adult goes to pub. I see no problem, as long as it’s not all day every day. I don’t tell my DH my every movement.

I am glad you have calmed down, I think its Ok to take a break every now and than and it does seem like he needs. There is no mention of him needed to be back at a certain time so I dont think he has done anything wrong.
If I went shopping and met a friend for a coffee, I would not think I need to contact my DH to tell him what I was doing, who with and how much I was spending.
You do sound like you need a break too so arrange that, I understand it is tough times but your MH is more important and trips can be cheap ( taking a walk with a friend- which has the added benefit of getting you fit too)

My DH respects me, as i do him and we let each other know what we have planned. It's not about permission it's about consideration.

He has not considered you. I'd be annoyed, too. Especially, as you say he has had form for this in the past and you don't have spare cash to piss up a a wall.

I'd text, "Just sorting tea, what time are you likely to be back so I know whether to cook for you or not? Hope you are ok x"

The replies are really interesting on this, it’s pretty evenly split.

I think I’m going to bank a day out, ask him to do the washing as he’ll be feeling guilty and ask him nicely if he could text me if he’s going to be a lot later than he thought next time.

That is if he’s not out till 2am - then I’ll post back here and not be very happy.

Why does everyone assume 'the Pub' is the issue ? The Pub is irrelevant. This issue is he said he'd be 2 hours and didn't have the presence of mind to simply text, to say, I'll be later.

Things don't always show up on my internet banking immediately. Sometimes it's up to a few days later.
Would it be possible that the pub visit had been at another time, when he HAD told you he was with mates???

I also wonder what kind of banking shows up payments in real time? Mine appear a day or two later on my online statement.

Mine has only just started doing this - I didn’t realise before. It’s probably pretty awful for people in controlling relationships and shared bank accounts. I don’t think I am one of the people?!?!?

Your title isn't really the same as what's happened. You could easily text or ring if you were worried.

No definitely today. Says the time and the date and he hasn’t been out without me for about five days

@vanillandhoney

Your title isn't really the same as what's happened. You could easily text or ring if you were worried.

Sorry for false advertising. I’ve also just discovered the quote feature

I don’t tell my DH my every movement. Yeah but when a 2 hour meeting turns into an all day somewhere else it is only basic manners to tell your life partner you won't be back for lunch after all... maybe not tea either!

And OP seems not to have posted her annoyance here until at least 4 hours after the radio silence started!

He's rude. His mental health can be discussed until the cows come home... a text would remove all of OPs anxiety, worry etc. And with a 4 month old baby I am assuming she doesn't need the additional bother!

Just had a thought have you called him? If my husband did this I’d call him he’d tell
Me where he was. No dramas.

I think it is rude that he hasn't at least sent you a message saying he will be back at x time and not be.

I have this problem with my partner sometimes too- can't decide if I am over the top about it or not, but is definitely rude.

What really annoys me is that since having a baby I can't just go out when I want (also I wouldn't anyway- I would text pre baby too) but it seems fine for a man to do so.

Thankfully my DH doesn’t usually go AWOL, but if he did I would worried he had been in an accident?

I understand.

If someone says "I'm nipping out for 2 hours to do X" then if they decide to do something else it's common curtesy to let you know.

I wouldn't go as far as saying he has to clear it with you! But at least a text. Meeting good/not so good. Just nipping to X to see mate. Be home by 3 (or whatever).

@Wakemeupwhenthisisover

Just had a thought have you called him? If my husband did this I’d call him he’d tell Me where he was. No dramas.

I could do this but it annoys me that I have to become the checker upper / borderline nagger. Why can’t he just send a quick casual text instead?

I also wouldn’t be able to hide the fact that I am slightly grumpy on the phone.

DH and I don't need each other's permission to do other stuff, but we would both in this instance text and say "meeting done, went well, just popping to see XYZ for a couple of hours - let me know if there's anything needed before I get home"

Or words to that effect.

It's just polite.

This is why I have my own account so OH does not know everything I buy and where I have been to the second. He has his own account too. It seems awfully intrusive to be honest.

Shows up straight away as pending on mine. Not sure why he couldn't send a quick text about being a bit late. If money is tight I can see why it's annoying he's spending money at the pub to be honest.