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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH hasn’t told me where he is or when he’s coming home

147 replies

Wimbledon1983 · 01/09/2020 15:14

We have a four month old dd. DH lost a job due to corona and is trying to set up a business. He had a meeting this morning with his partner and said he would only be two hours. I checked online banking as I was doing my budgeting and he has since gone to the pub a train journey away from where the meeting was (pub owned by a friend). He hasn’t texted or phoned.

AIBU to be pissed off? What should I do, phone him or wait? We are also skint so I resent him spending money on beer.

I don’t resent him seeing friends but I wish he would clear it with me rather than going awol. And wish he would let me know rather than making me wonder if I should phone him. And I think he should be doing stuff on his business when he has time.

OP posts:

CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/09/2020 21:13

What's that saying about asking for permission and forgiveness???

Annasgirl · 01/09/2020 21:19

Well OP, you are a much nicer person than I am - I would be off if this happened to me with a young child. DH would have been the same if I went AWOL like this - not that I ever have and certainly never even dreamed of it when I had young DC.

I do wonder though, would it not be better to sit down calmly when this is over and discuss standards of curtesy to you? I mean, I know it is kind of too late now that your child is here, but is he planning on playing the single guy for the rest of your DC's childhood? Because you will quickly tire of it and resentment will build. You read about it on here every day - there is always a straw and always a Camel and a back.

rwalker · 01/09/2020 21:33

@mrpumblechook
rwalker
TBH it's something i'd do but it's very two way and we are very much see you when I see you type of setup .
When DW goes out wouldn't occur to me to ask what time she would be back if we didn't have plans .
Do you have young children?!

Not now but always been the same TBH some of the replies on here about tit or tat responses they sound about 12 really couldn't be bothered with that .
All it needs is a quick look I was worried i hadn't heard from you if you feel the need to challenge it .

Bekka94 · 01/09/2020 21:35

I dont think your being unreasonable at all as his DW a quick message like you said would of been reasonable enough. You have a small baby and like you said funds are tight and hes in the process of setting up a business that should be priority.

ilikemethewayiam · 01/09/2020 21:41

Wow I must be the odd one out. I would always let my partner know if my plans had changed and I was going on somewhere else. It’s just courtesy and respect isn’t it? It’s not being controlling or abusive to expect a courtesy text? My DH always lets me know if he’s going to be late or had a change of plan out of courtesy. I’ve never asked him to but we both do it.

YoBeaches · 01/09/2020 21:42

I read this thread earlier and popped off to do dinner bed bath etc and arrived back to see he's still not home.

I mean it is ok to have a spontaneous day out I get that and would like to do it myself etc not letting you know would annoy me. But what annoys me more is what I say to my DH.. this is a prime example of 'default parenting'

You are the default parent. He can choose to be a parent today or choose not to. You can't. I can't. And why not? Because we chose to have kids and with that comes fucking responsibility which we carry every single day.

I have used the default parenting phrase with my dh a few times and now he hates it. He finds it very insulting, and so he should. Nothing less than equal is acceptable to me. It's not what we agreed.

A one off is fine but don't let him think it's ok for normal behaviour.

Cherrybalm · 01/09/2020 21:44

@YoBeaches yep exactly, I say the same to my partner when he just "pops" out for the 100th time

Silversun83 · 01/09/2020 21:48

For those saying the OP is being unreasonable, controlling etc.. Would you not be worried about something having happened to your partner if they weren't home when they said they were going to be?! And not only that, but hours later?!

If my DH had gone out to purposely do something and was not back when he said he would be, if he hadn't let me know his plans had changed, I would be thinking the worst! I started to worry last week when he was half an hour late home after dropping the DC at nursery

As others have said, it's not about asking permission, but just having the courtesy to let you know.

So YANBU. Though I do think YAB a little U being so calm and understanding about a) the aforementioned lack of communication and b) spending money when you're worried about that.

Cherrybalm · 01/09/2020 21:51

also OP you have a lot more restraint and are far more understanding than me. I think he has absolutely taken the piss - astoundingly poor behaviour. went to a business meeting this morning saying would be 2 hours, then doesnt contact you all day until you eventually phone him and hes slashed when you do get through? and you have a 4 month old baby? hope he knows how lucky he is. honestly, my partner would be sleeping it off elsewhere tonight and be fortunate it wasnt for the rest of the week

Cherrybalm · 01/09/2020 21:51

sloshed*

Ginger1982 · 01/09/2020 21:54

I would be annoyed at this. Pre kids, DH had a habit of doing this, not out drinking but would go to see mates and the time would run away from him. We had a discussion about it and he's now a lot better at communicating in general.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 01/09/2020 21:57

I doubt this will be the last time this happens OP. He can't be that sorry if he's still out. Offering to cook dinner was an empty offer that ment nothing because he didn't even turn up to do it.
I would be really passed off if dp did this, and he would with me too. Its just common courtesy to let your partner know if you are going out drinking.

skodadoda · 01/09/2020 21:58

@ilikemethewayiam

Absolutely; call me old fashioned, (I am on Gransnet too), but I was brought up to not cause unnecessary worry to those who cared about me; in the days before mobile phones. OP’s DH’s behaviour is unacceptable.

thepeopleversuswork · 01/09/2020 22:15

When I initially looked at this thread and saw the timestamp was 3.30pm I thought you were being borderline U. I also think that people getting uptight about him being in the pub are over-reacting - its quite routine for business meetings to happen in pubs.

But to turn that into an all-day session and only informing you of this when you call to check is definitely taking the mick. I think the lack of courtesy is really disrespectful and I'd be seething if he had been that late.

MNX42 · 01/09/2020 22:20

It's just normal to let the people you share your life with know when to expect you home isn't it? I would be so annoyed in your shoes. You shouldn't have told him you're going out all day next week. You should have said you'd be going out for about 2 hours, and see how he responds when you roll in at midnight.

Timekeeper2 · 01/09/2020 22:20

Is he back yet, OP?

Hollywolly1 · 01/09/2020 22:25

I Imagine when he left this morning he never intended staying out all day.He went to see his friend had a drink and I suppose he was relaxing and the time just went so fast.Having a young baby is hard but you know what at least you can have your days out to even if for nice long walks,from what you are saying it not something he normally does.Although he should have let you know and not have you worrying about him

possumgoddess · 01/09/2020 23:06

I had (note the had) a husband who had form for doing that. All I asked for was an idea of when he would be home so I would know whether or not to cook for him, or if he was going to be later than planned then to let me know so I didn't worry. After one too many times of him turning up long after he had promised he would be home I told him that if he did it again I would lock him out. He did it again.... I locked him out. It was February, there was a light dusting of snow. But I was kind - I put some blankets and lit candle lanterns in the shed so he had somewhere warmish to sleep. Unfortunately he didn't learn his lesson and that was just one of the many reasons why he is no longer my husband. With regard to your husband, I would give him the benefit of the doubt it he doesn't usually do this. He is probably either drowning his sorrows (which is really annoying if you are skint and would like to be doing that yourself but are too responsible to do so) or celebrating if something good turned up. However if he makes a habit of it then get your shed ready.......

relievedlady · 02/09/2020 08:21

Has he been openly saying he's feeling stressed op ?

It doesn't take much for him to text and say he's out for longer etc and I would be annoyed about that too.
Dh did that once where said he'd be back at a certain time etc then wasnt so I just txt an hour later and said I'd make my own arrangements for food etc and leave him to it

He came home quite late and I was already in bed but I told him the next day the height of rudeness is to not rock up when you say you will meaning someone else's plans change because you couldn't be arsed to send a text or call and next time he went out not to say he'd be home by a certain time etc and I would make my own plans re food etc.

When I've gone out I've text a couple of times during the evening maybe and then I've got in when I've got in.

It's the saying he'd only be two hours then buggering off all day and evening and then messing you around on text is what's out of order but no harm done.

Some people are totally over reacting here.

Motoko · 02/09/2020 17:15

What time did he get back @Wimbledon1983?

Slimeisevil · 02/09/2020 19:18

I hope he has made it up to you @wimbledon1983 I have been watching the thread and I agree that a courtesy text should’ve been sent.
You have a joint responsibility with your DH and he needs to know that this was not ok.

Original poster

Wimbledon1983 · 02/09/2020 21:54

At about 830. He did apologise and said he would be better in future. I’ll keep an eye... he’s done most of the baby stuff today. Thanks so much for all of your advice

OP posts:

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