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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH hasn’t told me where he is or when he’s coming home

147 replies

Wimbledon1983 · 01/09/2020 15:14

We have a four month old dd. DH lost a job due to corona and is trying to set up a business. He had a meeting this morning with his partner and said he would only be two hours. I checked online banking as I was doing my budgeting and he has since gone to the pub a train journey away from where the meeting was (pub owned by a friend). He hasn’t texted or phoned.

AIBU to be pissed off? What should I do, phone him or wait? We are also skint so I resent him spending money on beer.

I don’t resent him seeing friends but I wish he would clear it with me rather than going awol. And wish he would let me know rather than making me wonder if I should phone him. And I think he should be doing stuff on his business when he has time.

OP posts:
Clymene · 01/09/2020 19:17

Ah the cool girls are out in force I see.

@Wimbledon1983 - it's absolutely shit behaviour to do this, particularly when you're stuck at home with a tiny baby. He said two hours. If he's going to be much longer, he lets you know.

It's not controlling.
It's not paranoid.
It's courtesy.

ShiveringCoyote · 01/09/2020 19:20

It's so bloody disrespectful to not send a text. And spending money on beer is an absolute waste when you are skint.

mrpumblechook · 01/09/2020 19:24

Ah the cool girls are out in force I see.

I'm not sure if they are cool or just suckers who think it's the woman's job to look after the baby while the man is free to do what he wants.

SeeMyVestSeeMyVest · 01/09/2020 19:26

I literally can’t work out why people can’t take 10 seconds out of their day to let someone know something. My DH did this the other week - went into work for something, ended up staying later than he’d predicted, and dropped me a WhatsApp to say he’d gone for coffee with a colleague. I knew not to expect him for lunch and was able to plan the day better. Why wouldn’t you do that? It’s what phones are for!

ChasingRainbows19 · 01/09/2020 19:29

My pending transactions come up on my Natwest app immediately.

Also I think he could have some courtesy and let you know where he is. We don’t have kids and aren’t in each other’s pockets but do keep in occasional touch and let each other know where we are or when we will be expecting to come back.

morefun · 01/09/2020 19:36

I'd prefer a message personally, but unless he is doing this a lot I would let it slide. And make sure you get some time with friends too.

MrsMayo · 01/09/2020 20:03

Ah the cool girls are out in force I see.

They make me giggle.

I think it's just common curtesy to say where you are. I lost a Brother in a car accident so all things go through my mind when loved ones are late and you cant get hold of them.

My Husband would be worried about me.

ChaToilLeam · 01/09/2020 20:08

I think he has been unfair and inconsiderate. Why should you be left to hang around, and why is he out drinking when money is tight? Do you get to fuck off out for the day as well?

EL8888 · 01/09/2020 20:09

My question about these kind of situations is; would you do the same and how would he react. My instinct is no and he wouldn’t be thrilled.

Castiel07 · 01/09/2020 20:09

He should of sent you a quick text! Seriously I don't get why people have to use the 'controlling card' its basic manners, he doesn't have to elaborate on every detail.

Coffeepot72 · 01/09/2020 20:10

I would be interested to know how the cool girls would react if one of their husbands was AWOL …

Original poster
Wimbledon1983 · 01/09/2020 20:13

@EL8888

My question about these kind of situations is; would you do the same and how would he react. My instinct is no and he wouldn’t be thrilled.
I wouldn’t do this but I also think he wouldn’t mind. I intend to do this next week - I deserve a break, especially after tonight. He still isn’t back.

I don’t know what to say about the money. If I went for a meal with a friend I would be really annoyed if he berated me for it. He hasn’t been out since baby and barely spends anything.

He has texted obviously to say he’s sorry he’s late, seeing a friend etc but only after I rang him. His evening is also clearly getting away from him as he said he would be home in an hour at 530pm.

I’m going to pull him up on poor communication and time keeping, and tell him I’m off out next week for the whole day.

I do think it’s common courtesy, yes. My family are very up on this, his aren’t - not that that is an excuse at all.

Wondering what to have for dinner now. Will not be waiting for him that’s for sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wimbledon1983 · 01/09/2020 20:16

@MrsMayo

Ah the cool girls are out in force I see.

They make me giggle.

I think it's just common curtesy to say where you are. I lost a Brother in a car accident so all things go through my mind when loved ones are late and you cant get hold of them.

My Husband would be worried about me.

Sorry for your loss @missmayo 💐

Texted again, is still out and apologised. At least he’s texting. I give up.

OP posts:
candycane222 · 01/09/2020 20:25

Oh dear. Good thing you didn't take him at his word about tea Sad

HarperLight · 01/09/2020 20:25

I'm be annoyed if my husband went for a business meeting for a couple of hours and didn't tell me he was taking a detour on the way home.. it would never be an issue to go pub or see a friend on the way home however I'd expect to be told.. as I would if I was out, it's not even about asking permission, just letting you know what's happening. I think it shows respect and consideration. I wouldn't dream of going to work and then going to the pub with my friend without calling him first just to check everything's ok.

Terrace58 · 01/09/2020 20:28

The minute you had a child, it became imperative to check with the other parent before doing anything because it is unfair to assume the other parent will be the only parent on duty at any given point in time. So yes, he would have takes to you and told you he needed an outing and made sure it was an ok time.

combatbarbie · 01/09/2020 20:31

I'd be annoyed that he's flunked out of parenting all day to be in the pub, however if it wasn't a regular occurrence and given your circumstances I'd probably let it slide.

In terms of the bank, my payments show up straight away as pending. My DH can usually detract from the bank when I'll be home as I work away during week just by the service station payments for coffee.

MulticolourMophead · 01/09/2020 20:32

Poor behaviour on his part, with this lack of communication.

Sending a text is just basic courtesy. And staying out and not bothering to let the OP know, after more than one change of ETA shows some disrespect on his part.

He said he'd do dinner, and now OP's been waiting, and looking after their child, for ages longer than he said.

Hope you're sorting your own food out now. It wouldn't surprise me if he's eaten and not bothered to let you know.

Original poster
Wimbledon1983 · 01/09/2020 20:34

DH phoned and apologised again, though obviously pretty sloshed so I told him off for not texting me earlier but told him to have fun and not go too overboard with the spending.

Arranged a nice outing with a friend next week and will try and tag on an evening activity to get my penny’s worth. DH said that was absolutely fair enough. Baby is combination fed but sometimes a bit fussy when given a bottle if she’s not half asleep (she gets a bottle at night so I have a rest). Is this unfair on the baby? I’m sure she’ll eat a bottle if dad is the only one offering it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wimbledon1983 · 01/09/2020 20:35

Yes! I discovered some nice food in the freezer.

OP posts:
Cam2020 · 01/09/2020 20:37

I think it's common courtesy to let someone know if your plans have changed or you're going to be much later than you said so I would be pissed off too and trying not to be. The apology texts are even more annoying when they don't materialise.

SeeMyVestSeeMyVest · 01/09/2020 20:40

I have never minded when people are late, change plans, anything - just let me know! When we’d just started seeing each other DH was infuriating, he was a lovely dedicated boyfriend and we were crazy about each other but he was AWFUL at communicating. We’d arrange to meet, he wouldn’t show, I’d ring him and he’d be like ‘hi! I’m just watching telly with my brothers, sorry I haven’t text.’ Or he’d be hours late (he lived a couple of hours away from me by car) and I wouldn’t be able to call as he was driving, so would sit in for him to turn up cheerful and apologetic 3 hours late. I had to explain to him that I don’t need to know your exact whereabouts but it’s rude and thoughtless to make plans and then show up so late, or leave me waiting to be picked up. Just text me, so I can do other things rather than sit about. He did apologise and change thankfully - but I was worried in the early days about coming off as clingy when all I wanted was an effing message to say he was running late.

ScrambledSmegs · 01/09/2020 20:44

'Pretty sloshed' now might lead to horribly hungover in the morning, which will obviously mean another day solo-parenting for you.

He's coming across as a very selfish partner.

Original poster
Wimbledon1983 · 01/09/2020 20:47

To be fair to him he will probably feel guilty and do quite a bit. I won’t let him not help tomorrow.,

OP posts:
diddl · 01/09/2020 21:10

Apologising is meaningless though when they just carry on regardless.

Rather than feeling guilty tomorrow-better to have not stayed out all day!