Getting harassed for play dates at school gate

[Natureotter]

Dd is 10. I work full time six days a week. I finish work and literally drive from work to the school to pick up dad, in uniform.
One of dds friends walks with her to the gate and asks to come round all the time. She lives miles away in another town so can’t just nip over. She asked me again yesterday with her mum in tow and I was embarrassed and said no not today I’m busy and she stood and gave me a lecture on how another girl in this class’s parents let her come round and she’s been waiting forever to come to my house and it’s not fair. Her mum said nothing, fully expecting me to comply.
I’m tired after work, I have dinner to sort and all the usual after work stuff.
Dd is an only child so I do feel for her. Her cousin who is the same age comes round maybe twice a week as she’s over the road and we see them at weekends.
Dh works away from home so weekends are our family time, plus I work Saturdays so only really get Sunday.
I’m getting pissed off with this kid harassing me all the time. It doesn’t make me warm to inviting her over if she’s going to make demands.
Just before covid we had another friend round for swimming and macdonalds which dd loved but because I’m working all the time I just don’t have the time for it all.

I’ve told dd I will meet her at the car now as I don’t want to deal with this everyday.
Dd hasn’t been invited to her house so I don’t get why I’m being nagged.
One day she told her mum she was coming to my house when nothing was arranged and her mum came over to swap numbers etc and I had to tell her no I have plans.

"No" is a complete sentence. Especially to a snotty kid who's given you a lecture!

I would not take kindly to being lectured by a child. A curt "when we are able to host, we will let you know; in the meantime please drop the subject," is what she'd get from me.

Find better friends for your daughter.

Be careful doing anything like this OP. If your daughter is behind it all you are going to make her life a misery. You are also going to look like an almighty arsehole. And also don’t start finding ‘better’ friends for your daughter - that’s hideous advice.

Talk to your daughter. Find out what she wants and let her be honest without her feeling bad about you. And don’t start labelling kids as awful and rude and snotty until you know what is really going on there. You think she’s lecturing you but for all you know your daughter might have been moaning about it all to her and she’s trying to help therefore not such a snotty nosed brat after all, more like a good friend.

Agree with others saying it's not a big deal, yes she could have been more polite but if she's wanted to come over for a while - sounds like she's never been - it is a bit unusual IMO. You don't have to do swimming and mcdonald's, just have her over for a play.

Doesn't sound like a family you need to be getting involved with. God knows what other demands it would lead to once they metaphorically and physically get a foot in the door.

That is absolutely nutty as a fruitcake thinking. How have you got from a kids playdate to an entire family getting a foot in the door? Bloody hell.

@Corono

I would just remind the child and her mother that there is a pandemic on, and just because the schools are back does not mean that everything has gone back to normal.

This isn't the OPs concern! Does every thread have to be brought back to CV? It's very tedious.

Well, it's a very valid concern and would give the OP an irrefutable excuse.

One of DDs friends does this and it really bugs me!
But we do it now and again and her mum also does it. So fairs fair.
To be honest I would say she could come round after school on a Friday one week, let them play, have some dinner, then have her mum pick her up.
Then don’t allow it again until it’s been reciprocated.
Although I quite like play dates here because I can keep an eye on them.

@whiskybysidedoor

I would not take kindly to being lectured by a child. A curt "when we are able to host, we will let you know; in the meantime please drop the subject," is what she'd get from me.

Find better friends for your daughter.

Be careful doing anything like this OP. If your daughter is behind it all you are going to make her life a misery. You are also going to look like an almighty arsehole. And also don’t start finding ‘better’ friends for your daughter - that’s hideous advice.

Talk to your daughter. Find out what she wants and let her be honest without her feeling bad about you. And don’t start labelling kids as awful and rude and snotty until you know what is really going on there. You think she’s lecturing you but for all you know your daughter might have been moaning about it all to her and she’s trying to help therefore not such a snotty nosed brat after all, more like a good friend.

She's still a rude and importunate little CF. I wouldn't want my child associating.

As others have said, if the girl & mum are so keen to socialize with OP's daughter, why don't they extend an invitation? One doesn't invite oneself to other's home. Ten is old enough to know that.

As to OP's child "wanting" a play date with this girl -- well, children aren't the best judges of what is good for them. A rude and pushy child is not a desirable friend.

I think you just arrange it an advance. Something like every 2nd Tuesday or whatever, and rotate so effectively you have her once a month and your DD goes there once a month.

If it's in advance then her mother doesn't pick up from school on your day and when your DD is with her, you get a couple of hours to yourself and then pick up.

If it's all arranged then it avoids the ambush and it will seem like it's often to them but actually really isn't much.

I don’t disagree that the child in question sounds a bit rude, but I do feel sorry for your daughter. Must be hard from her perspective to know you’re both in the house straight after school but no one ever gets to come round except her cousin. And it’s not like 2 10 year olds playing together is that hard work.

Doesn't sound like a family you need to be getting involved with. God knows what other demands it would lead to once they metaphorically and physically get a foot in the door.

OP, they're just waiting for a playdate invitation for the entire family to move in - they'll squat in your house, sleep in your beds, use your Sky subscription and generally eat you out of house and home ! Bonkers...

YANBU soon rude of her and her mum.

Soooooo not soon

You just dont want this playdate do you?

@Dontbeme

I don't think this is even about this one pushy, rude child OP. You work six days a week, basically a single parent as DH works away, DD is in clubs three days a week and cousin is over during the week also, it sounds like this one pushy kid at the school gates is just one small thing too far.

You sound like you are running low on time and energy for anything else, do you get any time for yourself at all? Is there anybody that could take DD and this other kid to the park or somewhere for a few hours just to give you a break and then DD gets her play date too?

.... This

YANBU
You sound at your limit

You can't cut back on work, because the bills have to be paid

Some people have the spare time & energy to squeeze in play dates, but you don't atm

FGS - just call the mum over and say if the kid came one day can she collect. How hard can it be? there was a child like this who was notorious in my elder daughter's year. She would come up to every and any parent at the end of school and ask to come home. Her mum worked very long hours, no dad and she was bored with the au pair. Felt sorry for her even though she was a PITA. Feel sorry for your girl too from what you've said.

You just dont want this playdate do you?
She doesn't like the child, the child is pushy about it and lives far enough away that it's a trip to drop her home and shes tired after a day of work, it's fair enough!!!

Are you sure your daughter isn’t the driving force behind the girl?
I was a quiet child and had loud friends and knew my mum would say no to a play date, so I used to make them ask to come over as they would have a better chance of her saying yes than me. It may account for why she was pushy.

Also is your daughter allowed on play dates? I remember at school there was a girl who’s mum used to say no a lot to being invited somewhere so eventually everyone stopped asking. By the time she reached senior school she was rarely invited to play dates, which is horrible, but If you’ve previously declined invites they may have stopped now as there are only so many times you can decline something before the invites will stop

Yabu. Its normal for children to be asking for playdates after school at this age.

Your dd and the girl both want a playdate. You are tired. Just let them play together, and they can entertain each other. It's much easier at this age to have a friend over than not.

It sounds like your dd is pretty lonely

YANBU to say no to this child because she is a cheeky little madam but you do sound quite insular as a family and that is not healthy for your DD. I speak from experience as an only child! I get that you are tired, OP, you have an awful lot on your plate but as others have pointed out, two ten year olds will sort themselves out. I would try a play date once every two weeks with someone who is not family and see how it goes. Very soon she will be in senior school and organising her own social life and this will all be off your shoulders. I do sympathise, though, when you are tired from work and everything else you do for your family, playdates can feel like the last straw! Those days are behind me now and I am relieved!

I feel really sorry for your daughter. It’s not her fault she’s an only child, that you have a physically demanding job and that her dad works away. She has a need for a social life and you can’t be bothered? Tough suck it up buttercup. It’s your daughters life you can’t be arsed with. Yes there are many aspects of having kids that just is a mental fuck but you love your kids and you do them.

I always feel sorry for kids like yours whose parents don’t give a crap about their school friendships.

They do seem cheeky but cant you just arrange it for one day after school and tell the mum she'll need to collect at x time. If you're at home I dont see why her friend being there is such an issue.

I think you are taking the child’s over enthusiasm a little personally to be honest. Some children lack the awareness (perhaps because their parents do, as seems to be the case here) that directly requesting a play date is impolite.
Unless I’ve missed it you’ve not given any indication that this friends is ‘bad news’ in any other way, and it sounds like it’s the idea of any play date with anyone (other than cousin) that you object to. Which is understandable given your family’s work commitments.
However as PP have said, not being able to have friends from school over can really affect friendships at this age... I’m also one who wasn’t really able to have Play dates and it did make me feel isolated and like I struggled to fit in.

Why not try to see if you can find terms that fit around your professional life, eg kids just have garlic bread & pizza for tea, and mum picks up (zero effort)... would that work for the sake of your daughter?

If she persists, "I don't allow rude children into my home. I work too hard to put up with rude, entitled children."

Please don't say this🙄

Find better friends for your daughter.

Not sure what this means. But my mum was very judgmental about my friends and it made me very self conscious about bringing them home. And I felt vaguely guilty if they weren't up to scratch.

This little CF sounds a horror but that is not your DD fault. They might have a connection and get on really well. Explain kindly that - no you don't invite yourself to other people's houses but don't moan about the little CF.

I actually feel quite bad for your DD. If she wants this friend over, they're probably planning together in school to ask you.

I think this is maybe why the other kid has been persistent.

You work hard but you have a DD and should go out of your way on occasions to facilitate her social life.

@Wheresthesanitygone

Is there some other reason you don’t want play dates? It sounds like you’re happy to take dd to clubs etc but just really don’t want another child ( other than her cousin) in the house.

I think you should just do it, I really don’t think it will be as bad as you seem to think it will be. If this friend has wound you up by asking then do it with another of dd friends.

This or why don’t you have a grownup discussion with the other child’s Mother and explain that if they set a day for playdate the child will have to be picked up.