Getting harassed for play dates at school gate

[Natureotter]

Dd is 10. I work full time six days a week. I finish work and literally drive from work to the school to pick up dad, in uniform.
One of dds friends walks with her to the gate and asks to come round all the time. She lives miles away in another town so can’t just nip over. She asked me again yesterday with her mum in tow and I was embarrassed and said no not today I’m busy and she stood and gave me a lecture on how another girl in this class’s parents let her come round and she’s been waiting forever to come to my house and it’s not fair. Her mum said nothing, fully expecting me to comply.
I’m tired after work, I have dinner to sort and all the usual after work stuff.
Dd is an only child so I do feel for her. Her cousin who is the same age comes round maybe twice a week as she’s over the road and we see them at weekends.
Dh works away from home so weekends are our family time, plus I work Saturdays so only really get Sunday.
I’m getting pissed off with this kid harassing me all the time. It doesn’t make me warm to inviting her over if she’s going to make demands.
Just before covid we had another friend round for swimming and macdonalds which dd loved but because I’m working all the time I just don’t have the time for it all.

I’ve told dd I will meet her at the car now as I don’t want to deal with this everyday.
Dd hasn’t been invited to her house so I don’t get why I’m being nagged.
One day she told her mum she was coming to my house when nothing was arranged and her mum came over to swap numbers etc and I had to tell her no I have plans.

Honestly @Natureotter just let your dd have this friend over for tea one day after work and have the girl's parents pick her up after. Your dd shouldn't only get to play with her cousin, doesn't seem fair.

I get it, this stuff is annoying, but it isn't about you it's about your dd.

You shouldnt be forced into it either. My friend said she doesnt do it ever as has her own kids!! Some kids are bloody hard work. The girls here were nice I usually did Friday as no homework

I think I would offer one play date, bring her home from school, pre cook something easy, get the mum to collect? Then it’s done, you can stop getting wound up about it and hiding in your car at collection. Then when she asks again you can cheerfully say that you did.

I don’t think this girl will let up, I do imagine she will be embarrassed about it when she is older, her mum should be intervening tbh, your DD will be off to senior school soon, maybe more girls might pop in after school. I also have an only DD, I’m hoping to be able to facilitate lots of socialising in the future

@Choppedupapple

I think I would offer one play date, bring her home from school, pre cook something easy, get the mum to collect? Then it’s done, you can stop getting wound up about it and hiding in your car at collection. Then when she asks again you can cheerfully say that you did.

I don’t think this girl will let up, I do imagine she will be embarrassed about it when she is older, her mum should be intervening tbh, your DD will be off to senior school soon, maybe more girls might pop in after school. I also have an only DD, I’m hoping to be able to facilitate lots of socialising in the future

^^ This. Suck it up, do it one time and then it's done. Your DD can go to hers next time.

@Keeva2017

I feel really sorry for your daughter. It’s not her fault she’s an only child, that you have a physically demanding job and that her dad works away. She has a need for a social life and you can’t be bothered? Tough suck it up buttercup. It’s your daughters life you can’t be arsed with. Yes there are many aspects of having kids that just is a mental fuck but you love your kids and you do them.

I always feel sorry for kids like yours whose parents don’t give a crap about their school friendships.

This is a baseless attack on the OP, as are many other posts. There's no indication the OP's daughter is deprived.

And better an only child than one if a litter of poorly planned and barely supported multiple offspring. With school, riding, swimming, and two hard working parents as role models, her life sounds quite nice for a 10-year-old.

I'd have her over and then next time arrange for your dd to go to hers so you get a relaxing afternoon a week or two later (and if the mum doesn't reciprocate then you can turn her down confidently with "it's your turn to have dd over")

@Minimumstandard

Doesn't sound like a family you need to be getting involved with. God knows what other demands it would lead to once they metaphorically and physically get a foot in the door.

OP, they're just waiting for a playdate invitation for the entire family to move in - they'll squat in your house, sleep in your beds, use your Sky subscription and generally eat you out of house and home ! Bonkers...

Shrug. The mother and child each clearly lack good manners, boundaries and tact. And they aren't exactly rolling out the red carpet to their own home. Sound like cheeky takers to me. Not the sort I'd want my kid getting involved with.

She's rude because her mother allows it, clearly.

The pp giving you a kicking for working instead of facilitating all sorts of activities and playdates for your dd are cretinous. Fancy laying into someone for prioritising going to work to pay the bills over playdates. It's such a weird way of thinking!

Can kinda pick out those who have cheeky gits for kids on this thread I think

No way would I be rewarding that kind of behaviour from someone else's kid. Sometimes they need to learn the word no.

I don't get it. You say you work until you do school pick-up - similar to what a lot of parents are doing - and then you are too exhausted to do a playdate, but there is no work involved in a playdate with a 10yo, is there?? You just add a portion to whatever you were planning on cooking, that's it.
The parents always pick up here, never expect the host parents to drop off.
I feel bad for your daughter really, you say her cousin is her best friend, how do you know it is not just because she doesn't have the chance to see anyone else?

And playdates (stupid bloody phrase) aren't essential in life at all. Don't be bullied into it OP.

Where did the kid learn the cheeky cunt behaviour from I wonder? The mom hardly set a good example by allowing her daughter to dare tell you that it's not fair that she can't come to your house, when she's never invited your daughter to her home. I wouldn't have her over, you'll probably end up either having to take her back home or stuck with her overnight. God knows why much of MN are feeling sorry for your daughter, she seems to be doing great with her after school activities, & her cousin just over the road. This is about what you want OP, & I think you work hard enough without having to put up with that cheeky little get.

Where did the kid learn the cheeky cunt behaviour from I wonder

Delightful way to talk about a child.

Just before covid we had another friend round for swimming and macdonalds which dd loved but because I’m working all the time I just don’t have the time for it all.

I just think OP has over estimated what an after school play date actually involves.

The little CF is another aspect altogether but if OP gets one "home for tea" under her belt she can address that later.

What uniform do you have that you can wear outside of work? In my jobs uniforms were only for in work environment and you got changed into civvies to travel home.

The pp giving you a kicking for working instead of facilitating all sorts of activities and playdates for your dd are cretinous. Fancy laying into someone for prioritising going to work to pay the bills over playdates. It's such a weird way of thinking!

Well, the OP did ask whether she was being unreasonable . People are just expressing their opinions - lots think that, while it's completely reasonable not to invite this particular rude child, the OP should make more effort to facilitate playdates generally for her child. This is a reasonable opinion (which the OP may disagree with), not a cretinous one.

I mean, it's not illegal not to have playdates...There's nothing wrong with not having children over to play. Social services aren't going to get involved. It's not neglect.

But it could benefit the OP's DD, especially if she is shy or struggles to make friends (which tbf OP hasn't said). Because playdates at home are non-threatening chances for children to interact and practice their social skills and learn to host and rub along with other children, which sets them up well for making friends later on in life. Parents have a very short window to intervene and promote friendships for their children if things aren't working socially for them. At 10, that window is slowly closing - soon the OP's DD will have to navigate senior school friendships entirely on her own because the kids will be too old just to say "Shall I call Sophie's mum and see if she can come round tomorrow?" It may be that the OP's DD doesn't need this help and has plenty of friends despite the lack of playdates, in which case the OP is absolutely right that she doesn't need to bother with playdates. But surely the annoyance of a houseful of irritating children is better than the heartbreak of a lonely teenager with few social connections who you love to pieces but can't help because they're too old for you to "help with" their friendships. I'm not saying no playdates leads to this, but allowing children chances to build relationships outside school can help to prevent it.

@PerveenMistry I’m not saying she should have had a litter of unplanned children but the combination of mum that works 6 days a week, dad that works away from home, being an only child and not being allowed any friends to visit other than a cousin is, in my opinion a shitty social life for a 10 year old.

I work full time, I get the utter feeling and mind blowing exhaustion but I do things for my kids that I utterly cannot be arsed with because they are KIDS they have their own needs and whether I can be arsed with it or not is irrelevant.

Op can repeat however many times she likes that she works lots of hours, that she is exhausted, that kids being in her house fills her with dread. But at no point has she told us what her daughter wants, how she feels about her friends (Any friends, not just this rude one) not being allowed to visit, how she copes with busy parents, is her mums stance impacting on her friendships at school.

Those are the things that matter and op hasn’t regarded them important to mention once.

FYI seeing a cousin and extra curricular activities does not compensate for having some who can play with your toys and knock about with.

@Barryisland

What uniform do you have that you can wear outside of work? In my jobs uniforms were only for in work environment and you got changed into civvies to travel home.

Bank, Ambulance, Shop etc etc.

Loads of folk have their uniforms on, especially at the moment when they might have restricted access to changing facilities - if those even exist.

I understand where you are coming from,
However, I think you should say yes once or maybe invite the girl to yours. I have an only child too and I always give her the opportunity to meet with her friends. It's not fair on them otherwise.

OP,
A lot of very harsh replies here.🙄
YANBU.

I think the mother is VERY rude to stand by and allow her daughter harass you like that.

But it doesn't surprise me. She hasn't invited YOUR daughter around, has she?

Of course not.
She is a CF and her daughter didn't lick her behaviour off a stone.

She's 30 minutes away. Too far to be convenient.

Gird your loins and simple say "No, it doesn't suit us".....On a loop.

Prep your daughter that it isn't happening at the moment, if ever, and that this girl is very rude to invite herself over.

Frankly, nice children don't do that, and nice parents don't stand by and allow it.

I wouldn't feel badly about it OP, and I certainly wouldn't be lectured by an impudent 10 year old that behaves in such a rude precocious way.

Stop feeling guilty.
You are doing your best with a partner on your own.

I have two adult DD’s and worked for years in a primary school. There is always one child in a class who does this asking.
I used to think it was a bit cheeky but actually isn’t it a good sign that a female can ask for what they want?
How many of us have put up with crap jobs/sex lives etc because we can’t ask for what we want.
Ok she probably needs a bit of help in how to word this but hopefully she will grow up to be the sort of woman who doesn’t take any bollocks from people in positions of authority.

Explain to her mother that the main thing that makes you hesitant is the long drive back to her house to take her home as she lives so far away. Would you consider it if they picked her up at an arranged time?

I know you don’t have much time off and you’re tired, but I think it’s fine for your kid to have a friend around for an hour or so. Not saying that it should be frequent, but a one off could be manageable. Many working parents allow their kids to have friends over.

I think you're being unfriendly and unreasonable. I wouldn't offer lifts - leave that up to their family - but it feels unfriendly you wouldn't have her over after school and let the mother collect her there. I like the sound of your dd's friend

Such shite on here. You don’t want her round, she’s a cheeky piece, you’re knackered, you’ll end up running her home, it won’t be a one off (and bet your life not reciprocated), some people are getting assertive mixed up with rude, and what happened to the mn mantras “Your house/child your rules.” ? I’d be no way let a child talk to me like that.

and what happened to the mn mantras “Your house/child your rules.”

Has that ever been a mumsnet mantra? That’s a bit too hunnish for here. Or it was once upon a time