Getting harassed for play dates at school gate

[Natureotter]

Dd is 10. I work full time six days a week. I finish work and literally drive from work to the school to pick up dad, in uniform.
One of dds friends walks with her to the gate and asks to come round all the time. She lives miles away in another town so can’t just nip over. She asked me again yesterday with her mum in tow and I was embarrassed and said no not today I’m busy and she stood and gave me a lecture on how another girl in this class’s parents let her come round and she’s been waiting forever to come to my house and it’s not fair. Her mum said nothing, fully expecting me to comply.
I’m tired after work, I have dinner to sort and all the usual after work stuff.
Dd is an only child so I do feel for her. Her cousin who is the same age comes round maybe twice a week as she’s over the road and we see them at weekends.
Dh works away from home so weekends are our family time, plus I work Saturdays so only really get Sunday.
I’m getting pissed off with this kid harassing me all the time. It doesn’t make me warm to inviting her over if she’s going to make demands.
Just before covid we had another friend round for swimming and macdonalds which dd loved but because I’m working all the time I just don’t have the time for it all.

I’ve told dd I will meet her at the car now as I don’t want to deal with this everyday.
Dd hasn’t been invited to her house so I don’t get why I’m being nagged.
One day she told her mum she was coming to my house when nothing was arranged and her mum came over to swap numbers etc and I had to tell her no I have plans.

In all my years I've had loads of great kids around but the shitty rude ones rarely improve.

Agree. But OP needs to do it once at least and then make that judgement. If only to see that an after school play date is really not that much of a biggie.

She could invite someone a bit nicer then.

I don’t get this. The kids wants a play date so she asks for one. Your kids also wants the play date. You can’t be bothered, which is fine, but why does that make asking for a play date wrong? Just say ‘we don’t do play dates’ or take the kid home after school and get the mum to pick her up from yours. I can’t see the problem.

I personally want my 10 year olds friends to come around and feel comfortable so this can continue into teen years.

That's exactly how I feel. And I've always enjoyed hosting friends; it's a lot easier than when it's just my 2 DDs, as the bickering can be endless, as it can be between siblings.

OP you are making excuses. If you don't want DD to have playdates then that is your choice, but just own it rather than saying "I turn up straight from work in my uniform so obviously I can't do play dates"

I work 8-10hr shifts on my feet all day in a supermarket, 5 days a week and DD still managed to have playdates at least once a week for the last two years of primary, even when I got home from work in my uniform.

My DD walked home from school as we live just down the road from her primary school (she has just moved up to secondary) so if she asked for a friend to come over I would get the parents number and I would call them, tell them the girls wanted to have a play date and offer to have DDs friend over but inform them that the girls would be walking home from school and might be in the house alone for 20 minutes until I got home (depending on my shift). If they weren't comfortable with that then I would ask if they wanted to host and if not then DD would just have playdates with other friends instead. If they are comfortable with that then usually we arrange for their parents to collect them after dinner so I didnt have to do all of the work of transport on top of "hosting".

Having a playdate from age 10+ is literally zero work. DDs usual routine after school if she doesnt have an extra curricular is to get home, have a snack, do her homework, play until dinnertime (if she isn't helping me cook), have dinner, watch a bit of TV, sort her stuff for school the following day, get ready for bed, read till bedtime.

On a playdate, all that changes is that her homework goes on the back burner or gets swapped with the TV time and I have to add an extra portion for dinner. It is not difficult or tiring or stressful as it actually keeps DD occupied so I can get on with other stuff without feeling like I should be spending time with her so she isn't alone

She's 10. She can't understand how busy you are. She just wants to play with her friend. Yabu to be angry with a 10 year old for that

My mum worked six days a week when I was your DD’s age, and was a single parent. We used to hang around at school until 4pm, when she could come and collect us. If we were having friends over they waited with us and either Mum dropped them home later or their parents collected. Village school so not all lived close - the catchment encompassed a few smaller villages too. I swear she allowed all these play dates because it was easier having us out of the way while she sorted dinner etc!

I work full time as a primary teacher and am sad that DD won’t be able to have any play dates in the week as I leave home at 7am and don’t get home until after 5.30pm. If we can’t manage to have another child I will be working with DP/grandparents to make sure she can see her friends.

IMO YABU to at least try it, regardless of the other girl’s behaviour. Your DD will be at secondary soon, surely you’ll let her see her friends outside of school.

As she gets older you'll end up with the kid that gets left out...or the kid that prefers spending time at friends.

I WISH all 10 year olds took themselves off to play quietly but the obnoxious ones tend to end up harassing the crap out of me.

Umm. Not entirely sure why you've posted OP but you seem very defensive about this.

NRFT but I think you should try to organise a play date - you seem to put a lot of value on the cousin coming over but I'm not clear if cousin is same age as your DD? If they aren't, I think it's really important your DD has some friends her own age come round i.e. people who are her friends rather than family. And I'm afraid organised activities aren't the same as playdates. Playdates allow friends just to spend time together.

And actually you only need do it once - then it is the friend's turn to invite DD to hers

If she persists, "I don't allow rude children into my home. I work too hard to put up with rude, entitled children."

Fucking hell don’t say that! so aggressive and your daughter will want to die on the spot. And you’ll get a reputation as being a nasty twat. My mums like that. I’ve spent my whole life basically apologising to people for her shitty attitude and wishing the ground would open up and swallow me.

Aw I feel sorry for your DD you sound so grumpy! I think DD is getting her friend to ask to try get you to say yes because she knows if she asks you’ll say no.

Lots of us work long hours but still facilitate our children developing friendships. I don’t understand why you find play dates so tricky, you’re collecting DD anyway, shove a bit extra food in the oven, let them entertain each other and then mum picks her up. Simple.

Don’t be that parent that always says no so your child gets left out!

Sorry just reread your posts OP and realise cousin is same age. Even so think it is good for kids to have their own friends who aren't family

I do feel sorry for your DD. I was an only child and my parents could rarely facilitate playdates as they both worked full-time and I went to breakfast club, after-school club and holiday club. I think they thought that it was a substitute for playdates but none of my actual friends went to those clubs, so I generally found it pretty miserable.

Horse-riding, seeing your cousin and after-school club aren't substitutions or play dates - they're extras. Speak to the mum and arrange a day where your DD can have her friend over for a few hours. 10 year olds shouldn't need a huge amount of entertainment, after all.

I actually think it's quite sad that you "can't be bothered" to have your childs' friends over because you work. Lots of parents work and don't really want to have other children over, but they do it because it's part of being a parent!

I think everyone is making good points here saying your child should have play dates. So in the spirit of that, encourage your own child to demand to go to the other child's house. Stand by smiling indulgently while your kid doesn't take no for an answer from the friends mum.

I would tell the friend that these things are arranged between adults.

Tell her mum you collect her from school and bring her back home for a few hours to play on the understanding that her mum collect her from your house at whatever time.

No inconvenience to you, the friend is shown how to do things politely and your DD gets to have her friend over.

I wouldnt let the girl over because she is rude and seems to have no respect.
How dare she lectures you. although I dont know why you didnt say anything to her.

She sounds obnoxious. The cheek, really!

I would not take kindly to being lectured by a child. A curt "when we are able to host, we will let you know; in the meantime please drop the subject," is what she'd get from me.

Find better friends for your daughter.

@Natureotter, is this the only other kid in school? Surely your DD is friends with more than one child? If so, can't you invite another more pleasant kid round for a play date? I do agree that it would be lovely for your DD to have friends round more often, but I wouldn't want to be forced to invite this bossy one either. I had the same reservations as @ChesterDrawsDoesntExist, I thought, "Blimey, she'll be one of the outspoken ones who says what they think and never stop to think how nice their statement is..." And the pushy ones often make your kids copy their behaviour as well, so you get trashed bedrooms and the like.

I would want to have play dates for the dc's sake, but surely you can avoid inviting the troublesome ones?

Could she come over but her mam collect her? Found some kids hard work but I looked on it as company for mine.

If she persists, "I don't allow rude children into my home. I work too hard to put up with rude, entitled children."

The OP certainly won't need to worry about being hounded for playdate invitations for very long if she goes about saying things like this . She may, however, have an upset, embarrassed DD who starts losing friends (and friends are very important to that age group).

At the risk of being naive, I'm also amazed that people generally seem to look on playdates as childcare - aren't they a bit of nuisance to collect from and wouldn't you rather just have your DC at home (especially if they're older and can largely amuse themselves if they have a friend round)? Collecting must be a hassle, especially if you have younger children as well.

i would just get it over with, the chances are the invite will not be reciprocated and the problem will be solved.

@HUCKMUCK

I do think being knackered after work is a pretty poor reason not to let your DD have friends over. As others have said, 2 10 year olds aren't going to need much supervision. And if you're picking DD up from school, it's not like she's not arriving until tea time. What do you need to do between say 3.30 and teatime that you can't do with a friend round? (Acknowledging that school pickup might be a bit later than that).

I think it's all the reason the OP needs. She's juggling enough and not required to accommodate some importunate child at the school gates. Her daughter has plenty of socializing at present.

@Natureotter

I don’t understand why my dd hasn’t been asked to her house if she wants to see her so bad, why does it have to be my house. That’s what I find most rude about it.

Agree with this.

Doesn't sound like a family you need to be getting involved with. God knows what other demands it would lead to once they metaphorically and physically get a foot in the door.

I know I’m in the minority but I think YABU. Maybe this particular child is annoying/pushy etc, but your decision that you will not be hosting any play dates ever for any child is extremely unfair. It’s great that your DD has hobbies and a close cousin, but she should be allowed to host school friends sometimes. At 10 years old they will be no bother at all.

Why don’t you ask the pushy child’s mum to take it in turns - set two dates, she goes first?
Or if you are truly set against that particular child, ask your DD to invite another friend round instead.

She was cheeky, she also sounds like a very confident 10yr old something the adults seem to lack.