Getting harassed for play dates at school gate

[Natureotter]

Dd is 10. I work full time six days a week. I finish work and literally drive from work to the school to pick up dad, in uniform.
One of dds friends walks with her to the gate and asks to come round all the time. She lives miles away in another town so can’t just nip over. She asked me again yesterday with her mum in tow and I was embarrassed and said no not today I’m busy and she stood and gave me a lecture on how another girl in this class’s parents let her come round and she’s been waiting forever to come to my house and it’s not fair. Her mum said nothing, fully expecting me to comply.
I’m tired after work, I have dinner to sort and all the usual after work stuff.
Dd is an only child so I do feel for her. Her cousin who is the same age comes round maybe twice a week as she’s over the road and we see them at weekends.
Dh works away from home so weekends are our family time, plus I work Saturdays so only really get Sunday.
I’m getting pissed off with this kid harassing me all the time. It doesn’t make me warm to inviting her over if she’s going to make demands.
Just before covid we had another friend round for swimming and macdonalds which dd loved but because I’m working all the time I just don’t have the time for it all.

I’ve told dd I will meet her at the car now as I don’t want to deal with this everyday.
Dd hasn’t been invited to her house so I don’t get why I’m being nagged.
One day she told her mum she was coming to my house when nothing was arranged and her mum came over to swap numbers etc and I had to tell her no I have plans.

She isn’t completely lonely and I do my best but I have a physically demanding job and the thought of play dates after school just fills me with dread.

As someone who became an only child due to sibling death, this does sound a bit miserable and I feel you should be doing more to facilitate 'play dates' (hate the phrase), esp given the age your daughter is - she doesn't need high level hovering any more, surely?.

That said, this particular child sounds a touch er, forward and your daughter hasn't been invited to hers so 🤷‍♀️

I love the fact that you don't want to deal with anymore so rather than put her in her place like an adult you're intending to hide in the car and leave it to your kid to repel these advances.

And yes her Mum should pick her up. Some people around here do drop off but it’s never expected.

I feel your pain, OP, but would not be hiding in the car. I once had a cheeky kid ask me to clean my car before collecting her next week. So I explained that I wouldn’t be doing that because looking after 5 kids and working full time kept me quite busy.

Youre repeatedly ignoring the query as to what would happen if the mum could pick her up after the play date and why therefore it might not be any extra work?

She is cheeky and I wouldn't want my kid being like that but it seems like you aren't really willing to let it happen at all anyway. She's 10, an only child, and has had one friend round one time?

Yes this kid is cheeky but if your dd wants her round then you suck it up - or don't.

I was in all respects an only child, as my sister is six years older than me so totally uninterested in playing with her little sister. I used to have a reciprocal play date with a friend every week (alternative at each other’s address) it was the highlight of my week.

We always had hot dogs so it was zero effort for our mums. We’d go home with hosting mum and be picked up by our own.

Obvs I’m not saying you have to do this every week but the other mum may reciprocate and this gives you a break. Presumably she drives if she’s collecting her child from school then going to an address in the next town?

Although while ‘being harassed’ is a bit dramatic, yes, the kid sounds cheeky so you’re not BU there!

I don’t get why someone being in the house makes any difference.

Because it will make your dd happy?

You're not gonna win this one OP. You don't have a proper reason to not have your dds friends over. It's not fair on her, you are choosing who she can or can't play with based on what you think is least hassle. It will take no effort at all other than a conversation with the child's mum.

Put your big girl pants on and do it. Dd will be so happy.

I once had a cheeky kid ask me to clean my car before collecting her next week.

Was it the outside or the inside?

Was it a total midden?

*Enquiring minds...

she's cheeky but assuming your DD is keen for her to come I'd allow it on the grounds that your DD will be entertained so probably easier for you. And generally speaking your child gets invited back at some stage which means you can work late or whatever. So worth putting in a bit of effort as long as both children are happy.

Balls to her, the saucy little moo.

Don't be browbeaten by a 10 y/o kid. You've said no and that's the end of it.

If anything, it would make me dig my heels in even more.

ps I was an only child and having a friend over and me going to theirs after school was a godsend when I was a child. It was just so boring being at home with my parents all the time (we lived rurally which did not help). I'm lucky in that my parents were happy to do a fair amount of ferrying (they always said it wasn't my fault that we lived in the middle of nowhere).

I meant your dh works AWAY all week. Sounds like a high paying job or probably not worth the sacrifice of working away.

ofgs. I thought we were discussing OP s play date situation.

Why are you barrelling in on this? No wonder she's gone AWOL.

Why dont you say to her and her mum "well I'm tired after working all day so why doesn't dd come to yours for tea?"

get something dead easy in the slow cooker or prepare like spag bol. Have friend over, on understanding she will be picked up at x time. Done.

As previously said, 10 year olds don't need entertaining. If you're worried they'll be bored, get some cheap craft stuff in for them.

Pick up at 7/7.30pm and you've done your bit.

I do think you're making this seem like a lot harder work than it needs to be.

As an only child I can tell you that going riding and swimming twice a week is not going to fulfil your dd needs. I suspect she is pushing her friend to do the asking. I could go on and on about how important it is to have someone come regularly to your home especially if your parents focus seems to be elsewhere when you are an only child. You need to stop making excuses and do what’s best for your dd.

Anyone else feeling sorry for the poor 10 year old only child whose mum works 6 days a week, dad works away and has had ONE playdate

Playdates are a pain in the arse, but it's an expected part of parenting. Your DD is probably desperate for this girl to come round because se's lonely, but is afraid to ask you and getting her friend to ask. An you are getting arsey about it and making her meet you by the car

I think most of you are being unfair to the OP.

When a visitor comes to your home, you cannot "relax"... i.e. you cannot just laze around, walk around the house half dressed. Maybe OP has some plans but they have to be put on hold because she has her DD's friend round constantly. I feel your pain OP, as I have a friend who ALWAYS wants to go on on outing with her and my DC's every Saturday. Family time is important. OP I do not think you are being unreasonable.

You are working full time, your child has cousins who come and play regularly with her. Your child also attends extra curricular activities and is building friendships there. DD's friend should not come round allllll the time.

Covid 19 seems a good enough reason to say no, as you would never want to accidentally pass on the virus if your DH brings it back from work.

When a visitor comes to your home, you cannot "relax"... i.e. you cannot just laze around, walk around the house half dressed. Maybe OP has some plans but they have to be put on hold because she has her DD's friend round constantly.

Have you read the thread? OP has NEVER had this friend round!

The other thing to say is that both the DD and her DM sound like cheeky mares.

But it's up to DD who she picks to be her friend. I suspect once this girl has been round once, she's unlikely to want her round again.

When DD gets a bit older a large bit of parenting duties will be shuttling her to and from activities of her choice with friends of her choosing, unless you're close to a good bus service.

I get that your life is stressful and busy and you don't like these people, but you need to give it a go for DDs sake.

DD's friend should not come round allllll the time

She’s never been round!

By the time I’ve got home, made the kids drinks and snacks and had a cup of tea, it was on to food prep, then feeding the kids and washing up.

Whilst they played i loaded the washing machine, made calls, paid bills, no different to any other day really.

Kid leaves at 6, time for a catch up and tidy round before shower and sorting the next day stuff out. Not difficult.

For all those here who have experienced a..... forward child like this, have you found them to suddenly develop manners and good behaviour when at your house? I certainly haven't. There are a couple of kids who are, despite my almost open door policy, on the no list. These tend to be the same type, similar to the girl in question here. Rude and demanding at the school gates and twice as obnoxious in my home.
"Your house is very small!",
"Can you not afford a dishwasher?"
"Why don't you have any pets? My mum says every child should have a pet!",
"No, I don't want to sit down to eat.",
"But it's fun jumping on beds!",
"Friend, does your mum ever actually clean up?!"
"Our TV is much bigger. Why do you have such a small TV?"

What about them sending your child to ask for treats? And then whispering making them come back for more. And whispering for them to go back in and bargain and argue for more when it's clear your kid doesn't want to? I've had that more than once.

And then there's the times I've found sweet packets scrunched up and shoved in my flower pots instead of the bin in the same room. Or chewing gum spat onto my garden path and worse, my hallway floor! Or that one kid (possibly same one) who stuck gum under the inside handle of my car.

In all my years I've had loads of great kids around but the shitty rude ones rarely improve.

I WISH all 10 year olds took themselves off to play quietly but the obnoxious ones tend to end up harassing the crap out of me.

If this other girl is desperate to play with your daughter, why hasn't the other mother facilitated it? I'd be wondering whether I could trust her to collect her daughter on time if she came round to play at your house.

I personally want my 10 year olds friends to come around and feel comfortable so this can continue into teen years. My mother used to make a massive unnecessary fuss over play dates...as soon as i was old enough I disappeared over to other pals houses.

Interesting perspective.

OP, how do you want your DD's teen years to go? When she is old enough to socialise on her own. What if this gets in the way of her making friends? Also, will you be comfortable with her disappearing off for hours on end to other people's houses or wherever? Because at 10 she's not far from that stage.

I may be overprotective (and may change my mind in a few years time since DS is still very young!) but it's always seemed to me that I'll prefer hosting since I want DS to do as much of his socialising as possible at home where I can keep an eye on him. I already dread the days when I have to worry about him out and about and he's not answering his phone. I fully intend to stock up on computer games, pizza, chips and juice to bribe his friends (however irritating and annoying) to come to ours to minimise the overprotective worrying on my part.

@Knittedfairies

If this other girl is desperate to play with your daughter, why hasn't the other mother facilitated it? I'd be wondering whether I could trust her to collect her daughter on time if she came round to play at your house.

That's a good point. This mum probably just wants her child out of her hair for a while and may not make the effort to be picking her up when agreed. If the kid so often went round to all the other classmates houses, perhaps she's running out of places to send her.

I would just tell the girl that she is welcome to come over as long as her mum collects her as you can't. If she wants to invite herself over the onus is surely on her to find some way to get home?