Getting harassed for play dates at school gate

[Natureotter]

Dd is 10. I work full time six days a week. I finish work and literally drive from work to the school to pick up dad, in uniform.
One of dds friends walks with her to the gate and asks to come round all the time. She lives miles away in another town so can’t just nip over. She asked me again yesterday with her mum in tow and I was embarrassed and said no not today I’m busy and she stood and gave me a lecture on how another girl in this class’s parents let her come round and she’s been waiting forever to come to my house and it’s not fair. Her mum said nothing, fully expecting me to comply.
I’m tired after work, I have dinner to sort and all the usual after work stuff.
Dd is an only child so I do feel for her. Her cousin who is the same age comes round maybe twice a week as she’s over the road and we see them at weekends.
Dh works away from home so weekends are our family time, plus I work Saturdays so only really get Sunday.
I’m getting pissed off with this kid harassing me all the time. It doesn’t make me warm to inviting her over if she’s going to make demands.
Just before covid we had another friend round for swimming and macdonalds which dd loved but because I’m working all the time I just don’t have the time for it all.

I’ve told dd I will meet her at the car now as I don’t want to deal with this everyday.
Dd hasn’t been invited to her house so I don’t get why I’m being nagged.
One day she told her mum she was coming to my house when nothing was arranged and her mum came over to swap numbers etc and I had to tell her no I have plans.

@FrankskinnerscRoc

Where did the kid learn the cheeky cunt behaviour from I wonder? The mom hardly set a good example by allowing her daughter to dare tell you that it's not fair that she can't come to your house, when she's never invited your daughter to her home. I wouldn't have her over, you'll probably end up either having to take her back home or stuck with her overnight. God knows why much of MN are feeling sorry for your daughter, she seems to be doing great with her after school activities, & her cousin just over the road. This is about what you want OP, & I think you work hard enough without having to put up with that cheeky little get.

Yes, I would steer clear of this pushy family. The next thing you know her mum will want to dump her off for overnights, weekends, oh can you just drive her home from school Wednesday, etc etc.

OP's daughter is doing fine. She can hang out with this girl at breakfast club or lunch breaks and seek other friends closer to home if she wishes. Play dates aren't necessary for a happy life.

@gamerchick

Can kinda pick out those who have cheeky gits for kids on this thread I think

No way would I be rewarding that kind of behaviour from someone else's kid. Sometimes they need to learn the word no.

LOL, I've been thinking same.

I cannot bear it when I'm collecting my dd and her friend says to her mother can I go to 'susies' house. And then the mum looks at me to see what I think, or to just agree there and then. Sometimes I pretend I don't hear or I say we will see what we can arrange one better day. It's better for the child parent to say something along the lines of 'that's rude/that's upto Susie's mum etc' but no they just glare at me expecting to say yes. I also dont like when they say to come round to my house that day. I already have 4 loud busy kids to deal with .

I completely get where you're coming from. However surely if the girl lives out of town, you could collect them both from school and have the mum collect later, no need for you to take her home if you're the one hosting. Shove an easy tea in the oven or order a pizza and let them get on with it.

When your DD is at secondary, you'll basically be a taxi driver at weekends as there'll be no playdates, it's all shopping and cafe dates. I don't even speak to other mums for 12yr old DD, everything is arranged between themselves 🤷

I mean that's if they're really good friends, I'd go to the effort. Not just if they were sorta friends and the mum and dd are just pushing it for other reasons (a night off, childcare etc.)

Turn it round and say to the girl you can’t host at the moment but DD would love to come over to hers. Say it like that every time, including in front of other mum.

YANBU, it's so rude!

Actually, yes I think you are being a bit shit about this. Family is important but so are friends.

Can kinda pick out those who have cheeky gits for kids on this thread I think. No way would I be rewarding that kind of behaviour from someone else's kid. Sometimes they need to learn the word no

Yes, the other child sounds rude. But op is being unfair to her daughter. Having only one friend over, who is also your cousin, places way too much weight on one relationship. And why does she not think that other parents also come straight from work to pickup, and often with more children?

I think she needs to sort out the home arrangement with her DH if it's truly too overwhelming to have even one playdate for a 10 year old, whether or not it's with this kid.

Next time she says something say to the mother she can't come to ours but dd can go to yours see what reaction you get

Of course not.
She is a CF and her daughter didn't lick her behaviour off a stone.
Love this!!!!!😁

And totally agree, Mum is going to be hard work too.

BUT

you can do anything once for your daughters sake. It's not like your daughter has a regular friend over. Then I'd say blank this little CF but there are no other play dates. Do it!

And then be more choosy in the future.

I used to think it was a bit cheeky but actually isn’t it a good sign that a female can ask for what they want?

How many of us have put up with crap jobs/sex lives etc because we can’t ask for what we want.
Ok she probably needs a bit of help in how to word this but hopefully she will grow up to be the sort of woman who doesn’t take any bollocks from people in positions of authority.

I think there's a good point here, I don't think asking to go round someone's house should be considered rude in itself.

My son and his friends were always trying to invite themselves over to others' houses age 5/6/7. Now they just get the mate in question to do the asking of their own parents. Maybe your daughter doesn't feel like she can ask you for some reason? When was the last time you had one of her friends over?

Can kinda pick out those who have cheeky gits for kids on this thread I think. No way would I be rewarding that kind of behaviour from someone else's kid. Sometimes they need to learn the word no

I'm all for inviting the little CF over on a play date and tbh my kids are great and complimented on their manners ( I wouldn't allow anything like this !). So actually I don't think you can really pick out those who have cheeky hits for kids.

🙄😁but it sounded good.

cheeky hits/gits

So what that you are in uniform? You could and should make time for your daughters friendships, a couple of hours on a sunday for her playdate wouldnt kill you. I think you are being so inflexible and unfair on your dd.

You could easily arrange for the mum to drop off and pick the child for a play date. The dad works 5 days a week, why cant he just be there then when you are workibg your sixth day? It sounds like you just dont want strangers in your house and wouldnt say its family time if your daughter was invited over.

Stick to your guns, she sounds the kind of child who wont leave you alone in your own house, wont want to eat what you offer and spend the time bossing your dd around. She doesnt sound the type to just play quietly - she has already shown you that her mum allows her sense of entitlement to overcome good manners

I am probably different to most on this thread. I understand.
Growing up, we were always allowed friends over. Mum had a constant stream of friends round. It drove me mad, never getting mum's time without an 'aunty' there nursing a cup of tea or a glass of wine.
My parents were very sociable. I am much much less so. Dh even less. Left to our own devices, we would be hermits.
We live in an area where we are in a smaller house, we both work. Most around here have bigger homes, perfect gardens etc and the mum working very part time or not at all. We are always knackered. If someone is coming I like the home perfect. We facilitate his sport 4-5 days a week (pre Covid)
Kids don't care really if it is super tidy. My ds is a similar age to your dd. They are starting to just rock up to play rather than just planned playdates. I hate it but suck it up because ds gets lonely. He needs it for his emotional balance. He doesn't get included in some things because I have been closed to continual play dates.
So, I am saying this with kindness, arrange a play date, not necessarily this child but your child smile will repay you. Once it is done, have a glass of wine. Children as teens need to feel their home is welcoming to their peers or they will bugger off where they can have fun with friends.

The girl is a bit direct, but you are an adult, you need to explain to her that you can't host playdates because of your work schedule. If you just make vague excuses she will keep asking.

I also feel a bit sorry for your DD if she is never allowed friends over. Not necessarily this friend, but it's a bit harsh. Couldn't she have someone for a sleepover at the weekend or something?

@nanbread

I used to think it was a bit cheeky but actually isn’t it a good sign that a female can ask for what they want?

How many of us have put up with crap jobs/sex lives etc because we can’t ask for what we want.
Ok she probably needs a bit of help in how to word this but hopefully she will grow up to be the sort of woman who doesn’t take any bollocks from people in positions of authority.

I think there's a good point here, I don't think asking to go round someone's house should be considered rude in itself.

My son and his friends were always trying to invite themselves over to others' houses age 5/6/7. Now they just get the mate in question to do the asking of their own parents. Maybe your daughter doesn't feel like she can ask you for some reason? When was the last time you had one of her friends over?

Asking for what one wants in a personal relationship or business negotiations or what have you is great. Inviting oneself to someone's home is always rude, period.

If the Pushy Girl wants to hang out, let her invite OP's daughter to her own home. That's how it's done.

"If your mum is happy to pick you up in an hour, then yes, that's fine". That puts the onus back on her Mum then, and I doubt she'd want to pick her up so soon and then the girl will blame her own mum and may stop bugging you.

Kids asking for play dates after school happens a lot, as they want to go on playing together once schools is over. It really isn't a big deal. You just say in a friendly way, 'I'm sorry, it isn't convenient today, but I'm happy to talk to your mum and arrange a mutually convenient time.

It really isn't something to give this much headspace to.

I feel really sorry for your daughter. It’s not her fault she’s an only child, that you have a physically demanding job and that her dad works away

Wow. That is harsh. I have six other siblings. They were fun times-- don't get me wrong. But our parents couldn't afford to put us into extra curricular stuff or do activities. This is something I desperately wish I had! I use to be jealous of friends who were only children!

@buildingbridge but it isn’t the daughters fault that these combination of circumstances exist but yet they being used as a reason for her not having any friends round to her house. At all from op says? We all have areas of our life or parenting that we wish were better for our children. A good parent does that they can to bridge the gap with those shortfalls (and we all have them, that is life). I don’t think it’s harsh to say if both parents are incredibly busy and you have an only child, you go the extra mile to ensure they aren’t lonely.

Not only is op not going the extra mile, she is refusing to do what most parents do and that is allow her daughters friends to play with her outside of school.

Imagine you are 10 and your dad is away and your mum is exhausted and never ever after school do you see anyone but your cousin. Thats just feels pretty grim to me for what would be a really small concession by her mum to rectify it.

Yes cheeky a 10 year old being so forward. The mam didnt correct her either. Awkward if they dont live nearby. Why didnt the other mum have your child!!