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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DD17 wants to go on holiday alone (not with friends). AIBU to be worried sick?

133 replies

ohiseutv · 01/09/2020 01:32

She has had depression for months, very bad. She was hospitalised for it in June but has been thankfully improving. She still has downs though. It was Covid and a break-up that sent her on this spiral. She has no friends anymore, she cut them all off. She doesn’t go out. She’s so depressed and it kills me to see her like this. I couldn’t wait for her to start college so that she has a purpose again but college are saying that classes will be online for a while. So she won’t be socialising with anybody.

She’s told me today that she thinks she needs a few days away, and has said she plans to fly somewhere and stay in a hotel. Only 3 or 4 nights she says. She has £800 which was saved up over the years. She wants a city break and is thinking between Dublin, Berlin and Paris. She says she knows it very unusual to be going on her own and not with any mates but she tells me she feels she needs to do this and she thinks it will benefit her. She is mature and can look after herself but her depression is very much still present and the thought of her completely alone in an unfamiliar city in a foreign country worries me. I’d take her going on a wild week to Ibiza with other people over this. I said perhaps I could come and have a girly weekend but she says she needs to time alone to think. I asked her what she planned to do, and she said she’ll probably just do some shopping, see some sights and stay safe in the hotel at night. She promised she has no intentions of going out clubbing alone, and I trust her. I think she is doing it as a way to ‘find herself’. She’s insistent that she isn’t planning to do anything to herself, and I believe her, but what if she ends up feeling lonely and depressed while out there? She plans to go soon, and wants to book it last minute.

I can’t find a clear answer as to whether she needs my permission or not. But I really do worry about it. It’s one thing when they are going with friends, but completely alone?

OP posts:
tablemable · 01/09/2020 12:09

I just wanted to come on to give a different perspective. Similar to Linning's post earlier. I can completely understand your concern OP, and you are in a very difficult position.

I struggled with poor mental health as a teen, and my dream was just to escape, from everything. And so, at the earliest opportunity I travelled (not alone but with my boyfriend, whose parents were horrified at the thought of two 16 year olds going abroad). It really did help me. It gave me a purpose whenever I felt low (I could save to go away again and always had something to look forward to). If my parents had stopped me I would have felt trapped and struggled with it. I still rely on escapism to an extent and every few years me and DH will pack up and travel or move.

However, whilst I was depressed I was never hospitalised or under treatment so I know that this is very different. I just wanted to offer a different point of view. You know your daughter best and it sounds like you're able to have very open discussions with her so I hope you're able to find a solution.

DdraigGoch · 01/09/2020 13:55

While you would be worried for her safety, it sounds like letting her have a weekend to get away from it all could do her the world of good. Going abroad is likely to be more trouble than it's worth at the moment so it would be better if she had a city break in the UK, preferably a decent distance away (such as Edinburgh if you live in the south). Booking a bed in a good youth hostel (most have private rooms) would be a good idea.

PotteringAlong · 01/09/2020 13:58

I spent my late teens and early 20’s travelling alone at every opportunity. I was a teacher - good salary and good holidays and I was single. Are you supposed to not travel when you’re single?

I get there are other issues at play here, but solo travel is not the horrible experience other posters seem to be trying to make it.

yakj67 · 01/09/2020 14:03

I think a closer-to-home city break like Dublin or Edinburgh sounds good. Far enough from home, but not foreign enough that she can't get help if needed.

FriedasCarLoad · 01/09/2020 15:13

Could you offer to pay 50% of a break in a UK city not far away in the next few months and 50% of a break in a European city in 6 months time, assuming the UK break goes well?

And she texts you at least missing, afternoon and evening to reassure you she's OK?

whiplashy · 01/09/2020 15:24

If she wasn’t in such a precarious mental state I’d think ‘good for her!’ but because she is, I would hate this if she was my daughter

minnieok · 01/09/2020 15:28

I would be concerned rather than saying don't go I would instead help her find the right place to go. Most hotels don't allow under 18's without a parent so hostels are her main option or a b&b, many are closed. I would suggest she goes within the U.K. somewhere she can walk around, grab an ice cream, see a tourist attraction. Not too far. I'm in a similar position with my dd and she's going to York for a weekend

IceCreamSummer20 · 01/09/2020 16:52

I would be concerned, but at the same time impressed, by her get up and go. She is showing some very positive traits by suggesting this, so it would be shame to squash them.

I guess if she were my daughter, I would ‘redirect’ her - I’d go for a walk with her or some activity, it’s so much easier to talk that way. And explore with her what she wants, say that you will help her, that you just want to understand more so you can help. Then you can give her safer options, but keep the conversation two way. She can’t stay a hotel for example. Suggest a long day away just to try it out. Or one night somewhere close, and if that works out, then somewhere further.

Be upfront that you’d be worried. And say that even if she thinks you are overreacting, you’d just like her to keep in regular touch with you.

Say you’d happily go with her for two nights so you could have a hotel, and that you’d be happy to go your separate ways every day but just meet back for dinner in the evening?

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