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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DD17 wants to go on holiday alone (not with friends). AIBU to be worried sick?

133 replies

ohiseutv · 01/09/2020 01:32

She has had depression for months, very bad. She was hospitalised for it in June but has been thankfully improving. She still has downs though. It was Covid and a break-up that sent her on this spiral. She has no friends anymore, she cut them all off. She doesn’t go out. She’s so depressed and it kills me to see her like this. I couldn’t wait for her to start college so that she has a purpose again but college are saying that classes will be online for a while. So she won’t be socialising with anybody.

She’s told me today that she thinks she needs a few days away, and has said she plans to fly somewhere and stay in a hotel. Only 3 or 4 nights she says. She has £800 which was saved up over the years. She wants a city break and is thinking between Dublin, Berlin and Paris. She says she knows it very unusual to be going on her own and not with any mates but she tells me she feels she needs to do this and she thinks it will benefit her. She is mature and can look after herself but her depression is very much still present and the thought of her completely alone in an unfamiliar city in a foreign country worries me. I’d take her going on a wild week to Ibiza with other people over this. I said perhaps I could come and have a girly weekend but she says she needs to time alone to think. I asked her what she planned to do, and she said she’ll probably just do some shopping, see some sights and stay safe in the hotel at night. She promised she has no intentions of going out clubbing alone, and I trust her. I think she is doing it as a way to ‘find herself’. She’s insistent that she isn’t planning to do anything to herself, and I believe her, but what if she ends up feeling lonely and depressed while out there? She plans to go soon, and wants to book it last minute.

I can’t find a clear answer as to whether she needs my permission or not. But I really do worry about it. It’s one thing when they are going with friends, but completely alone?

OP posts:
SerenDippitty · 01/09/2020 08:10

I’d be worried about this. It’s not as if she’s going to a city she knows really well, to a hotel with she has stayed in many times with you. She might find the reality of being alone in an unfamiliar city doesn’t live up to her idea of it.

Branleuse · 01/09/2020 08:12

I would let her.

81Byerley · 01/09/2020 08:13

I was older than your daughter, 42, when I longed to get away after a marriage break up. I had severe depression because of that. I went to a hotel in Newquay. I refused offers from friends to come with me, and in that week I had moments of happiness, but also times when I hid in my room and cried. Can you afford to pay for a "trial run" for her? Two nights away in a city not too far away? Tell her that if she copes ok with that you'll help her find a city break somewhere else later?

TheGirlWithAPrince · 01/09/2020 08:14

i was your daughter at 18. I felt like i had lost power of my own life and i couldnt see the future. I went to a retreat that was all about empowerment and finding yourself/ Learning about your journey. Changes my life :)

I am now 27 with 2 toddlers and a husband and my whole life has been going smoothly and is just getting better and better every year.

I know the Retreat wasnt the full reason but it did enlighten me and open my eyes to the possibilities.

I only went because my mum gave me the brochure which i laughed at when i saw it because it sounded stupid but im so glad i did it :) Yes there are people there but for the first few days i didnt speak to people i just focused on the calmness and enjoying the relaxation.

BUT Is she going abroad alone or has she been groomed to go somewhere ?

emmathedilemma · 01/09/2020 08:16

If you're in the uk then forget Dublin as there's a 14 day self quarantine in place unless travelling from Northern Ireland. Doesn't France now require you to do so on return from the uk?
As someone who's quite happy in their own company I'd do this, I travel a lot on my own.....but I don't have a history of depression. I know what she means about needing to get away and go somewhere different though, I think a lot of people are feeling like that after lockdown.

Rubbleonthedouble1 · 01/09/2020 08:18

I’d be very concerned given her mental state xx

CeeceeBloomingdale · 01/09/2020 08:20

Very few hotels will allow a 17 year old to check I'm alone. Most have a clause saying someone in the room needs to be over 18 or 21. Even if she finds one, she isn't old enough to own a credit card which they usually take an authority on at check in. They could ringfence all of her funds if using a debit card. Can she get comprehensive travel insurance given recent medical issues? On that basis I'd say no.

Heartlake · 01/09/2020 08:21

No.

Book her two nights in a Premier Inn in the next city if she really wants to get away, see how that goes. The UK is full of interesting places.

Too many risk factors here.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 01/09/2020 08:22

@CeeceeBloomingdale

Very few hotels will allow a 17 year old to check I'm alone. Most have a clause saying someone in the room needs to be over 18 or 21. Even if she finds one, she isn't old enough to own a credit card which they usually take an authority on at check in. They could ringfence all of her funds if using a debit card. Can she get comprehensive travel insurance given recent medical issues? On that basis I'd say no.
Plenty will, as will hostels. You can say no all you want, she doesn't need parental permission to go. You can also get a pre-paid credit card quite easily.
IceCreamSummer20 · 01/09/2020 08:24

Dublin she’d have to quarantine.

Grandmi · 01/09/2020 08:25

My son did this when unbeknown to me he had severe anxiety and depression. He went off to Lithuania on his own and ended up having to come home ! That was three years ago and he is now a lot better but he says it was the worse decision he could have made for himself.

NotAKaren · 01/09/2020 08:28

Under the present circumstances, travel anywhere for anyone is a bit of a risk and for a young person in your DDs situation it is really not a good idea. There is currently quarantine required on arrival in Dublin for 14 days, is she aware of this? Has she even done any research into where she can and cannot go right now? Perhaps a UK break to start with and plan a trip further afield once this Covid crisis is hopefully under control.

Queenfreak · 01/09/2020 08:29

Absolutely no way at 17, abroad, during a pandemic.
Yes to the uk, plus her money may go further

Ylvamoon · 01/09/2020 08:34

No. As others have already pointed out, she is 17. In many countries she is considered a minor. You are still fully responsible for her.
And then there is obviously corona.
If she needs time alone, suggest a UK city break, there are some lovely places she can get to by train / bus.

Pippin2028 · 01/09/2020 08:34

What if you go with her and book separate rooms or even a hotel near to the one she is staying in, so she has space for her but you are nearby as well. Dublin may be the best idea to go for a small break for now.

Pippin2028 · 01/09/2020 08:47

Sorry, I just saw the 14 day quarantine regarding Dublin. Maybe a UK city break is the best idea under current restrictions

WaltzfortheMars · 01/09/2020 08:50

I agree with pp suggesting UK rather than abroad if she must go.

zingally · 01/09/2020 08:51

She is still legally a child... Honestly, I'd say no with bells on.

She might resent you, but I'd be honest and I say, "I'm worried you're not in a good enough place mentally to go abroad on your own." Be honest, share your fears.

Lamahaha · 01/09/2020 08:55

@Howallergic

As she mentioned Dublin, would she consider something like this instead? www.paddywagontours.com/3-Day-Tour-Of-Southern-Ireland-Galway-and-Kerry My Kiwi friend did these tours alone and loved it - you get to know the other people on the bus and they sound like fun. She'd be on the move (you book your own accommodation separately I think), seeing sights and with people all the time.
I had an Ireland bus tour planned for August and it was cancelled -- I think they were all cancelled until further notice.

I personally don't think a big city is the right place to "find oneself". A quiet retreat in nature is what always works for me.

What about this place near Dublin? I know it's Christian but you don't have to be Christian to go there, and they don't impose any doctrine on you, you aren't obliged to participate in anything. It's just a place to find inner peace, and there would be support if needed.
glendaloughhermitage.ie/what-we-offer/

sashh · 01/09/2020 09:02

I have long term depression and travelling is good for me.

One thing I would ask her to look at is insurance, she will need health insurance and she might not be able to get it with her mental health as it is.

Would she consider a UK city break? Oxford would be a good choice, lots to see and you can walk to just about everywhere.

Florencex · 01/09/2020 09:05

I note that a few posters have said they did similar at that age, but I had been thinking it was too young even if a person did not have issues. I was basing that on myself I guess, I consider myself quite independent and have done plenty of solo travel, but it wasn’t something I had the confidence, and more importantly would enjoy, until my 20s.

I am not sure you could stop her though, as she could leave home at 16. But I would discourage it.

msflibble · 01/09/2020 09:05

I went for a week to Barcelona when I was 19 for similar reasons - I was depressed and heartbroken and suffering with an eating disorder. I did find it helpful to be away from home to get some perspective, but it was partly because I stayed in a hostel and met lots of lovely people (the dorm was single sex, which I think is essential for safety). Her plan to stay alone in a hotel may seem attractive to her now, but if you can't dissuade her from going then see if you can persuade her to stay in a lively hostel where she can interact with her dorm mates as much or as little as she wishes.

If she does end up going to Berlin, I am based here and if you don't have any contacts in the city I will be happy to share my details with you in the event of an emergency. It's a pretty safe city all in all, very pleasant to stroll about it in, and most people speak English.

I know you don't want her to go away and probably the best outcome is that you dissuade her and get her into some counselling for the awful trauma she has endured. However sometimes travel and distance can be healing and a good reminder that there is a whole huge world out there to explore and enjoy... It doesn't have to be a disaster if she goes.

Thisisnotnormal69 · 01/09/2020 09:12

I agree with others I would be worried of her intentions re suicide. Sad

ravenmum · 01/09/2020 09:13

one of my own fantasies as a depressed teenager was to book into a hotel far away and kill myself there so that my family didn't have to be the ones to find me and deal with the services
Same here... it is very common, something that hotel managers have to deal with on a regular basis.
I'd be happier if she was going to a youth hostel than to a hotel.

SummerL1ght207 · 01/09/2020 09:20

Myself & my friend have booked 2 different abroad city breaks, both have been cancelled by the airlines, due the virus. It is then a long wait for a refund. Also, the quarantine rules keep changing
How would you get travel insurance during a pandemic ( I already have annual insurance purchased before the virus)

I've been on a UK city break recently
Track & trace in all restaurants.
Most restaurants have to be pre-booked.
Museums & tourist attractions have to be pre booked on line, even if the entry is free
No buffet food
One way systems
Hand sanitizer everywhere
Hotels have the same conditions, pre book, no buffet

How about your DD gets one day return train to destination. So a day out ?

Then look at a UK destination with a night stay

As a frequent traveler, I would NOT recommend travel abroad. I was in a destination that went into lockdown at the beginning of the year. It was chaos at the airport. 3 flights cancelled. Managed to return early via expensive flight. 5 months for a refund for cancelled flights. I had access to plenty of emergency money, if I would have needed to stay in that country for months

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