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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DD17 wants to go on holiday alone (not with friends). AIBU to be worried sick?

133 replies

ohiseutv · 01/09/2020 01:32

She has had depression for months, very bad. She was hospitalised for it in June but has been thankfully improving. She still has downs though. It was Covid and a break-up that sent her on this spiral. She has no friends anymore, she cut them all off. She doesn’t go out. She’s so depressed and it kills me to see her like this. I couldn’t wait for her to start college so that she has a purpose again but college are saying that classes will be online for a while. So she won’t be socialising with anybody.

She’s told me today that she thinks she needs a few days away, and has said she plans to fly somewhere and stay in a hotel. Only 3 or 4 nights she says. She has £800 which was saved up over the years. She wants a city break and is thinking between Dublin, Berlin and Paris. She says she knows it very unusual to be going on her own and not with any mates but she tells me she feels she needs to do this and she thinks it will benefit her. She is mature and can look after herself but her depression is very much still present and the thought of her completely alone in an unfamiliar city in a foreign country worries me. I’d take her going on a wild week to Ibiza with other people over this. I said perhaps I could come and have a girly weekend but she says she needs to time alone to think. I asked her what she planned to do, and she said she’ll probably just do some shopping, see some sights and stay safe in the hotel at night. She promised she has no intentions of going out clubbing alone, and I trust her. I think she is doing it as a way to ‘find herself’. She’s insistent that she isn’t planning to do anything to herself, and I believe her, but what if she ends up feeling lonely and depressed while out there? She plans to go soon, and wants to book it last minute.

I can’t find a clear answer as to whether she needs my permission or not. But I really do worry about it. It’s one thing when they are going with friends, but completely alone?

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 01/09/2020 09:22

She is an adult. Obviously she doesn't need anyone's permission.

Honestly, I love going away on my own, especially when I'm depressed, and I'm never suicidal, I just like to withdraw for a bit. It's not necessarily a risk. But it might be. I don't know if there's a clear way to be certain. Talk to her about checking in with you - just a text or a photo a couple of times a day, maybe?

SummerL1ght207 · 01/09/2020 09:25

Not an adult until 18

VenusOfWillendorf · 01/09/2020 09:29

She can't go to Dublin due to the 14 day quarantine - so shopping and sightseeing are out, and sitting in hotel room alone would be pretty awful (unless you live in NI). And she would need to quarantine on return from Paris.
Berlin would be OK - but somewhere in the UK might be better - easier to get home from and less stress about an unexpected quarantine coming in. I don't think it's a bad idea, the past few months have been quite intense for everyone and I can understand the need to just get away and be alone for a few days. Just get her to promise to come home if she's not enjoying it, and agree to keep in touch with you - both reasonable requests.

IntermittentParps · 01/09/2020 09:30

I personally don't think a big city is the right place to "find oneself". A quiet retreat in nature is what always works for me. Well, as you say, that's just what works for you. I would go crazy in a quiet country retreat if I were depressed. Cities make me feel alone but not lonely and I find them reassuring. The DD seems to feel that she wants a city and the OP says she's mature and knows her own mind.

I agree that you need an open and honest conversation about your fears for her. And then maybe explore some alternatives, like you going too but staying separately, or a UK break instead (although I don't necessarily agree with pps that money will go further in the UK – probably true of Dublin or Paris, but Berlin is quite cheap.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 01/09/2020 09:30

@SummerL1ght207

Not an adult until 18
They can leave home at 17 and even join the armed forces.
SummerL1ght207 · 01/09/2020 09:44

Things have changed since the virus started

Im not saying that she shouldn't go, but there are more risks than normal & the situation can change very quickly

GabsAlot · 01/09/2020 09:52

I usay no-i have depression and yes ive wanted to get away but alonw with my own thoughts? that would have made me worse

also theres still covid-depending on wher eyou go some things stil arent open different rules qurantine-how is she wearing a mask- some countries ask for them on permanently-its just not the right time

Pbbananabagel · 01/09/2020 09:56

Suggest Edinburgh, Bristol or Brighton, these are all fun, exciting, cool cities with amazing shopping and at a push you could go get her at any time.

user1471505494 · 01/09/2020 09:59

Will you Daughter actually be able to book a hotel at 17

ConquestEmpireHungerPlague · 01/09/2020 09:59

On balance, I would let her go, although how you'll keep yourself from dying of worry until she's back I can't imagine. I mainly came on to say what a kind and helpful post upthread from @Linning. Also, I'm sorry your DD has been through such a hard time, and you too. Flowers

Prettybluepigeons · 01/09/2020 10:06

I have a 17 year old ds who is Not depressed and I wouldn't let him go abroad alone. No way.

IdblowJonSnow · 01/09/2020 10:07

I'd be concerned too. Poor thing, sounds like she's had a tough time.

I'd compromise on either a night or two away in the UK or get on a plane with her and then do your own thing when there.

It will be a strange time to travel with all the restrictions.

Regardless of her maturity, 17 is very young to be abroad and alone, especially when feeling depressed.

CoralFish · 01/09/2020 10:08

Could you compromise on a city break in the UK, where you could drive to her if she needed support?

YouBelongHere · 01/09/2020 10:19

Does she normally do much by herself OP? I go here, there and everywhere by myself but must admit I felt a bit like 'wtf have I done' when I first had my solo trip abroad and I'd already had several short stays in London so had experience of being in the city, staying in a hotel alone and navigating by myself. The first trip abroad got a bit easier after I'd found my hostel and got used to the country but if it was the first thing I'd ever done by myself then I'm not sure I'd have handled it as well.

Is she planning on going after her 18th? I remember wanting to stay in a hotel with friends for a convention but no where would let us book a room because we weren't 18 yet - not sure if Europe's different?

JenniferSantoro · 01/09/2020 10:20

@Durgasarrow

I would be concerned that she has met up with some man online who is grooming her and trying to get her to fly somewhere where she will be vulnerable. What she is proposing is strange.
It’s not necessarily strange for a 17 year old who is independent and likes their own company to travel abroad on a city break, although it might be at the more unusual end of the scale for what teenage holidays are usually like. OP I’d be more worried if she was planning a girls trip to Ibiza under normal conditions. My son has been travelling on European city breaks alone since he was 16. Berlin is a fantastic city. I would probably allow her to go and follow the brilliant advice of @Linning
CatRamsey · 01/09/2020 10:26

It's not the going alone that I'd worry about - I'm a firm believer that you can't not do things just because you have no one else do them with. However I would be concerned that she may be planning to do something to herself or as a pp said, one last splurge before she goes through with something.

I'm so sorry OP. I'm sorry I don't have any good advice. I hope she will be okay.

Dontbeme · 01/09/2020 10:27

@ohiseutvwould a retreat suit her? Lots of options for yoga, nature or healing retreats here in Ireland, she gets the break away on her own but is not always alone, staff on hand if she needs help.

lovin.ie/travel-food/beautiful-retreats-around-ireland-to-soothe-your-soul

Lovemusic33 · 01/09/2020 10:27

That’s a tough one. I suffer with mental health myself and often feel like running away or taking a break somewhere, the times I have taken myself away has been a huge shock because it doesn’t really make the situation any better does it? If anything gives you more time to get lost in your head, more time to feel lonely and sometimes more time to panic. I understand the “being alone bit”, sometimes it feel like being alone is the best option but after many years of suffering with this I now know it’s not the best option. I would be concerned about her going alone, she’s very young and could end up feeling worse whilst far away from home. Maybe you could encourage her to go stay with a relative for a few days or to at least stay in the uk, I don’t think travelling abroad at the moments a good idea.

Talk to her, tell her you understand how she’s feeling at that running away for a few days sounds like a good option but running away won’t remove what’s going on in her head, it will follow her and she needs people around her to support her. Maybe book a city break in the uk, arrange a shopping trip or spa day with her?

I think all you can do is try and persuade her to change her mind, at the end of the day you can’t stop her going.

TheVanguardSix · 01/09/2020 10:27

She's vulnerable.
Can the two of you not do a city break together? Berlin, Lisbon, Budapest, and Prague come to mind- lots of youth, beautiful cities, lots to do and enjoy. It would really uplift her. I'd be tempted to go to Lisbon for the better weather which will help her mood.
Amsterdam and Copenhagen could be great fun too. Bergen, Norway is beautiful. If she likes cycling, this is a good place for it.

MJMG2015 · 01/09/2020 10:56

@TheVanguardSix

She's vulnerable. Can the two of you not do a city break together? Berlin, Lisbon, Budapest, and Prague come to mind- lots of youth, beautiful cities, lots to do and enjoy. It would really uplift her. I'd be tempted to go to Lisbon for the better weather which will help her mood. Amsterdam and Copenhagen could be great fun too. Bergen, Norway is beautiful. If she likes cycling, this is a good place for it.
Her DD doesn't want to!! She wants to go alone. The OP can't force this on her, she's offered & been told NO thank you!!
SE13Mummy · 01/09/2020 10:58

YANBU to be worried sick; your DD has been unwell and has been hospitalised as a result so it's understandable. What do you think your DD will do if you try to stop her from going away? Will she go anyway but feel she shouldn't call on you if it turns out she needs help?

It seems as though the worst thing that might happen is that she kill herself which would be utterly devastating but as others have mentioned, she could do that here. What's the best possible outcome of her travelling for a few days? That she feels trusted, gains some control over her situation, has something interesting to share at the online college induction sessions?

The Covid situation is something of a spanner in the works in terms of travelling abroad, especially going anywhere that would require quarantine. As she's keen to fly, I wonder if there's somewhere in the UK she could fly to that would feel different enough from your home town but minus quarantine complications. Exeter? Edinburgh? Scilly Isles? Granted, the last one of those isn't exactly a city break but it feels abroad. If it's the going away rather than being in a city that she's after, what about the Channel Islands or the Isle of Wight? They, and Scotland, look pretty on Instagram which is how my eldest DD identifies places she wants to go to.

It sounds as though she stands to gain quite a bit from being able to exercise some independence right now so although I'd be encouraging her to look at UK destinations, I wouldn't stop her from going. Even though I'd be worried.

Jux · 01/09/2020 11:05

I did something like this when I was 17 - again I wasn't depressed, or not much - and it was the making of me as they say. I went to Paris, got chatted up by dishy French waiters, bought coffees by dishy French men and just tramped around the streets looking at stuff; shop windows, architecture, galleries, tiny little cafes and so on. Practised my French.

If you are sure that she isn't going to hurt herself then I'd be so tempted to let her go.

Hotels, b&bs tend to feel quite protective about young women staying alone.

Fi57 · 01/09/2020 11:07

I’m in two minds about this one, I think your daughter actually sounds quite mature for a 17 year old so I think if I were you I would encourage her to go to a city in the UK. I don’t think I’d be happy about a city abroad I keep thinking about the film Taken!
My ds also suffers from depression and severe anxiety, he went to Asia when he was early 20’s and stayed for many years he is now back in the UK mid 30’s and an alcoholic, I’m heartbroken.
I hope your daughter finds what she is looking for and recovers from this terrible illness. I wish her the very best x

SirVixofVixHall · 01/09/2020 11:12

She is very young to be going abroad alone even when feeling great.

I do think though, that there is a difference, often not acknowledged, between depression and grief/sadness. If many, or even most , people would have similar feeling under the circumstances, then that is not a mental health issue, it is a natural reaction. What your daughter is feeling seems reasonable, given what has happened. I can understand that she needs to process her grief and pain. I am concerned that she wants to speed up this process, which really does just take time to heal. Going away can mean that you simply have the same painful feelings, but in a different environment, which in itself can then be very disheartening.
Also in my experience personally of grief and trauma, and with family members with serious mental health issues, too much time alone to brood is not helpful. Some quiet time yes, when your batteries are low and and you don’t have the energy for others, but not days on end alone.
Has your daughter had any grief counselling ? I would also suggest the Freedom Programme, as a way of helping her find strength now after the abusive relationship.

All of this is also much more difficult at the moment due to Covid , or I would suggest that she does something more structured, that has time with people that builds on some skill or interest, combined with quieter time to potter about. Something more like a retreat, learning yoga or surfing, or anything that reconnects her with something she likes, or her body . I remember reading about a women’s surf retreat on Jersey, as I thought of taking my teenager, just to have some time together, there must be other things like this, depending on her interests.
If she is on antidepressants, then I would be even more cautious about her going somewhere alone, as I feel that they take the edge off fear, so may inhibit her ability to assess risk or danger. In older people this is less of a concern as they have a body of experience to guide them, but in someone so young this is a worry (even when robust actually, I got into dangerous situations as a teenager simply from naivety) .

A compromise that others have suggested is a city break together, where you split up in the day to explore, then come together for supper, or lunch, or to do a specific thing. This won’t give her the “time to think” that she wants, but it will be safer, and avoid the difficult night time alone.
I do feel that a very sad and vulnerable 17 year old girl, alone in a foreign city, is not a good idea.

velourvoyageur · 01/09/2020 11:49

I was very depressed in my late teens (don’t think my parents knew quite how much, but they did know that I’d think about suicide) and used to spend a lot of time in Paris, often alone, which I loved, especially the comfort of anonymity in a big city. Coming to Paris felt like shedding an oppressive gaze that I didn’t consciously notice at home. The streets are so beautiful and full of history that it’s the perfect place for someone who doesn’t have a lot of money to spend, and there’s nice food in the supermarkets and lots of little secondhand book and music shops to explore in the 5th. I didn’t necessarily spend the time walking around in paroxysms of delight, still felt flat and empty, but there were moments of light and I got a huge amount from those trips, I feel like they did a lot for my personal development. It’s true that the street harassment is on another level, but it’s almost nonexistent in areas like the 16th, e.g. around La Muette.

I’m sorry your DD is feeling like this (it must have been so hard on you too Flowers) and totally understand your concerns, but also think that the confidence she could get from this isn’t to be underestimated. Preventing her from going could possibly reinforce a feeling of childlike dependence in her (looks like she’s eagerly anticipating the autonomy a car will give her). I do believe the best thing (and often the hardest thing) for depressed people is to go out and just do stuff - because then you make memories of yourself as competent and independent and that’s invaluable. When similar or slightly harder situations arise in future, you have a clear mental image of how you’ll handle those issues, simply because you’ve done it before. It will also widen her world - something new to think about and to escape to mentally. She’ll be able to plan the trip (i.e. have the experience of looking forward to something) and look back on it. Plus she’ll have something cool to talk about once she’s back in college. Maybe you could compromise and have her video call you twice a day, or even put a tracker on her phone (naturally with her knowledge of this)?