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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DD17 wants to go on holiday alone (not with friends). AIBU to be worried sick?

133 replies

ohiseutv · 01/09/2020 01:32

She has had depression for months, very bad. She was hospitalised for it in June but has been thankfully improving. She still has downs though. It was Covid and a break-up that sent her on this spiral. She has no friends anymore, she cut them all off. She doesn’t go out. She’s so depressed and it kills me to see her like this. I couldn’t wait for her to start college so that she has a purpose again but college are saying that classes will be online for a while. So she won’t be socialising with anybody.

She’s told me today that she thinks she needs a few days away, and has said she plans to fly somewhere and stay in a hotel. Only 3 or 4 nights she says. She has £800 which was saved up over the years. She wants a city break and is thinking between Dublin, Berlin and Paris. She says she knows it very unusual to be going on her own and not with any mates but she tells me she feels she needs to do this and she thinks it will benefit her. She is mature and can look after herself but her depression is very much still present and the thought of her completely alone in an unfamiliar city in a foreign country worries me. I’d take her going on a wild week to Ibiza with other people over this. I said perhaps I could come and have a girly weekend but she says she needs to time alone to think. I asked her what she planned to do, and she said she’ll probably just do some shopping, see some sights and stay safe in the hotel at night. She promised she has no intentions of going out clubbing alone, and I trust her. I think she is doing it as a way to ‘find herself’. She’s insistent that she isn’t planning to do anything to herself, and I believe her, but what if she ends up feeling lonely and depressed while out there? She plans to go soon, and wants to book it last minute.

I can’t find a clear answer as to whether she needs my permission or not. But I really do worry about it. It’s one thing when they are going with friends, but completely alone?

OP posts:
Stoic123 · 01/09/2020 07:19

I've found solo travel great for the mind and spirit. Agree with Berlin - full of young people and loads to see and do. Yes to hostel idea too as will allow her to meet others if she decides she wants company.

If you decide timing just too nerve-wracking (recent depression or CV-19), try to not to shut idea down - perhaps encourage her to book for spring or early summer next year? Buy her a city guide so she can start planning her trip. It would give her something to look forward to.

ScrapThatThen · 01/09/2020 07:25

It's positive risk taking. If she is saying that it is not her intention to harm herself, and you believe that to be the case. Just ask her to have a contingency in place of how to get home easily if needed and who to call in a mental health crisis. It won't make everything better, it is a risk, but it is what she wants to do and that is enough to be worthwhile. Just help her plan realistically.

Cupoftchaiagain · 01/09/2020 07:25

Actually reading back your posts you have asked her and she has told you she isn’t going to harm herself that this is about finding herself. Do u believe her?
Does she have a CPN? Ask her if she has talked it through with them. Ask her for her permission to contact them.
The idea above of suggesting she goes to a UK city so that one of your ‘safety/backup’ plans can be you driving to her (assuming that’s possible for u) is a good one.
Also try agreeing how often u will be in contact - when I did these trips I needed head space I couldn’t have stood my phone chirping constantly!

Alonelonelyloner · 01/09/2020 07:26

I was suicidal and even had previous attempts and I left the UK to travel at her age and it saved my life.

rwalker · 01/09/2020 07:26

Honestly the idea would terrify me but I really don't know how you can stop her.
I would try and persuade her to go in the uk .Digging your heals in and trying to stop her could make her runaway and do it anyway .

I can see why she wants to do it thought the freedom of anonimity

Ginfordinner · 01/09/2020 07:28

Other posters personal experiences are irrelevant. You know your daughter best. As the parent of a daughter who went through a period of depression I would also be worried. Do all hotels accept under 18's on their own?

FredaFrogspawn · 01/09/2020 07:32

There is a lot to be said for telling a young person you think she is responsible, smart and capable and you trust her to do what’s best for herself. If you can say this and support her, it could go a long way towards helping her mend. It is a difficult time for you both but I totally see how she might want a little adventure to prove to herself she has resilience.

Birdsong20 · 01/09/2020 07:35

Can she do some voluntary work somewhere which will give her the freedom of being away, might provide accommodation and give her something meaningful to concentrate on?

Feeling that she is being useful and needed might be a good thing.

AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit · 01/09/2020 07:36

Is she an introvert OP? I have had a horrible year and am going away alone to recharge, so I understand if she NEEDS to be alone and to think and explore without interruption and being irritated by anyone else. But... I'm 36 not 17. Having said that I don't think you could do much to stop her?

Probably not the best advice... but you could always check in to a hotel close by and not tell her?

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 01/09/2020 07:40

You can't stop her. I agree with Cupofchai. But you can discuss it with her and make your fears clear. I did the same. I have travelled solo throughout my life and it's been a really positive thing to me. Berlin is fabulous.

Username7521 · 01/09/2020 07:43

I still solo travel now in my mid 30ies with kids. It’s great for the soul and you find peace.
I would recommend she stays in a hostel (with a kitchen usually they are more social) rather than a hotel. She could also join some Facebook groups which give advice to solo female travellers.
There is something quite liberating exploring a new place on your own.

seayork2020 · 01/09/2020 07:44

What would work better for her

  1. Can we work on this together and work out away to make this happen so it helps you?
  2. You cannot go, I won't let you because I will feel bad about it
grisen · 01/09/2020 07:47

From my experience a short break in the same country won’t be the same as abroad.

I’d let her go if you believe her, make sure she knows the emergency number and “do you speak English” in the local language. If you’re in a position to jump on the next flight to help her, make sure she knows.

Jayaywhynot · 01/09/2020 07:48

I wouldn't like this at all, sounds like shes trying to run away from her problems (haven't we all felt like that at some point)
However, if you cant stop her dont let her go to Paris, it's really dodgy, I went last year and there are a lot of unsavory people around, I went as two couples and didnt feel safe especially at night.
I dont know what the answer is but if she insists I'd suggest Dublin as its nearer.
On the whole, I'm with you, I wouldn't be very happy with her going away

Thecobwebsarewinning · 01/09/2020 07:51

This needn’t necessarily be a bad thing although obviously you know your own daughter best. My DD also has a history of mental ill health, including depression coupled with ED. She has many friends and when in good form can be very sociable but she is also quite introverted and enjoys her own company. Some of her best holidays have been solo trips as she finds it relaxing to be able to please herself about what to do (she loves museums and very long walks and really doesn’t like clubbing) and being able to choose when and where to eat is helpful to her. I think it also boosts her self esteem to realise how independent she can be and being independent seems to make her happier and more confident .

Redwinestillfine · 01/09/2020 07:52

If she wants time to think could you suggest a retreat op? That way there would be people around to keep an eye on her?

AlwaysLatte · 01/09/2020 07:54

I would go with her!

Bluefargo · 01/09/2020 07:55

Understand your concerns I would be afraid too. Dublin is not a good option - she will need to quarantine and the city centre is very quiet at the moment. No atmosphere. Could make her feel like she has chosen the wrong city to do this in which wouldn’t help with her mental state.

Chairbear · 01/09/2020 07:55

She needs help and to access some support.

mummycat2 · 01/09/2020 07:57

Please don’t let her go. My aunt had struggled with mental health for years before finally taking herself off to a hotel and committing suicide.
Could you do something together instead like a mini staycation or spa day? You could either be open and frank and share your concerns with her or just explain about fragile quarantine restrictions and air bridges are Flowers

queenofknives · 01/09/2020 07:57

I understand your fears but not sure you can stop her going. Agree that Berlin is a very 'easy' city and wonder if there's anyone she knows over there who could check in with her? Or you could have a look at meet up groups in the city so there are people she can find if she needs to. Or even an Airbnb place with a friendly young person rather than a hotel. You might feel safer if she has people around and she might be glad to have one or two people to check in with. Even if she is very independent, days alone can be very long, so it's good to have some check in points.

user1471478181 · 01/09/2020 08:00

I think think it’s not right time for your daughter. But for me I’ve have a lot of anxiety and with lockdown and family problems I’ve just had enough I want to go on a luxury coach trip. I mention to my mum and dad that I wanted to go on one my dad said no. But after getting my sister involved it turns out they just want me to go on more day trips and get more confident and I realise that if I wanted to go on Europe holiday I needed to go on weekend holiday with my sister first and then I know what to do.

ZiggeryZaggy · 01/09/2020 08:03

Is there a possibility that she has undiagnosed bipolar ? You can have type 2 which is harder to diagnose as there is not full blown mania, so it is often wrongly diagnosed as unipolar depression.

I ask because I saw she has gone from a period of severe depression to planning a trip away - which is quite a change of mood and motivation. You also mentioned that she has ups and downs and that she been hospitalised.

If this is the case then I’d worry that she is planning the trip when her mood is up, so she is not thinking it though clearly. Although, if that is the case she may well change her mind before even going, if her mood were to drop again.

Just a thought, maybe not that at all. Maybe you are close enough to see if there is a pattern with her moods.

Hotwaterbottlelove · 01/09/2020 08:05

If she won't stand for you coming along - staying elsewhere but being o hand if needed - would she consider a single traveller holiday? Gutsy Girls is fab - they only take solo female travellers and they go to lovely places.

RedHelenB · 01/09/2020 08:09

@user1471478181 you would be fine as an adult for a luxury coach trip, no need to build up to it .