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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DD17 wants to go on holiday alone (not with friends). AIBU to be worried sick?

133 replies

ohiseutv · 01/09/2020 01:32

She has had depression for months, very bad. She was hospitalised for it in June but has been thankfully improving. She still has downs though. It was Covid and a break-up that sent her on this spiral. She has no friends anymore, she cut them all off. She doesn’t go out. She’s so depressed and it kills me to see her like this. I couldn’t wait for her to start college so that she has a purpose again but college are saying that classes will be online for a while. So she won’t be socialising with anybody.

She’s told me today that she thinks she needs a few days away, and has said she plans to fly somewhere and stay in a hotel. Only 3 or 4 nights she says. She has £800 which was saved up over the years. She wants a city break and is thinking between Dublin, Berlin and Paris. She says she knows it very unusual to be going on her own and not with any mates but she tells me she feels she needs to do this and she thinks it will benefit her. She is mature and can look after herself but her depression is very much still present and the thought of her completely alone in an unfamiliar city in a foreign country worries me. I’d take her going on a wild week to Ibiza with other people over this. I said perhaps I could come and have a girly weekend but she says she needs to time alone to think. I asked her what she planned to do, and she said she’ll probably just do some shopping, see some sights and stay safe in the hotel at night. She promised she has no intentions of going out clubbing alone, and I trust her. I think she is doing it as a way to ‘find herself’. She’s insistent that she isn’t planning to do anything to herself, and I believe her, but what if she ends up feeling lonely and depressed while out there? She plans to go soon, and wants to book it last minute.

I can’t find a clear answer as to whether she needs my permission or not. But I really do worry about it. It’s one thing when they are going with friends, but completely alone?

OP posts:
Angelina82 · 01/09/2020 06:07

I would be very worried about this too OP, but the fact is you can’t watch your DD 24/7 so IF your DD is intent on harming herself she will just do it at home if you don’t allow her to go abroad. Therefore I think, hard as it will be for you, you have to trust her and hope that this could even do your DD some good/be a turning point for her. 🤞

5amonSunday · 01/09/2020 06:12

I'd say no. She can either go now with you, or plan a trip in 6 months alone.

5amonSunday · 01/09/2020 06:15

I also think the risk is far higher abroad. If she did try to harm herself how would she seek help? Calling and ambulance/going to A&E would be far more daunting, and there would be no one around to notice her absence in a hotel room.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 01/09/2020 06:17

I'd left home by then - and the idea of a coach tour is my idea of hell now, let alone if I wanted to escape and be on my own.
I think Berlin has a fairly low R rate; stop infantilizing her and let her have a sense of responsibility.

Frenchfancy · 01/09/2020 06:24

How about a compromise, a UK city break. Save money on flights, no language barriers, you can get to her if needed.

Paris is not a good idea. Decent hotels are expensive, she is a minor so it could become very difficult if she did need help and many hotels wouldn't accept her without and adult.

Frenchfancy · 01/09/2020 06:25

Not to mention the fact that if she went to France she would have to quarantine for 2 weeks.

jamaisjedors · 01/09/2020 06:35

I understand your concerns if she is depressed.

But I went on holiday at that age to my granny's holiday cottage in the west if Ireland and it was great.

I just went for walks and read my books.

I am quite introverted but appreciated people more once I'd done it.

I think the Berlin idea is good.

GnomeDePlume · 01/09/2020 06:37

DD1 (with a history of depression though not as deep) did something similar at 18.

Things I would recommend:

  • work with her not against her
  • for a first solo trip go somewhere where there wont be any language barrier
  • go somewhere which looks nice and is easy to get around on foot or by public transport
  • let her plan it but support her
Goatinthegarden · 01/09/2020 06:40

I don’t think you can say no to a 17. I had left home by then and between 16 and 18 had been to several cities on my own or with friends (these were the days of extremely cheap last minute flights). I had a great need to get out and be independent and having my wings clipped by a parent would have made me frustrated and miserable.

She has told you she doesn’t want to harm herself, and if she did, she could do it stuck at home anyway. This experience might not be your idea of what will help her but it might be exactly what she needs.

I would point out to her that the current pandemic probably isn’t the best time for travel, but then let her make her own decisions now. Just be there to support her.

eurochick · 01/09/2020 06:45

It's quite common for people to book themselves into a hotel to commit suicide. This would be my concern.

yawnsvillex · 01/09/2020 06:49

Absolutely NO WAY. Read Dick Moore article, this is a HUGE red flag.

I wish you and your daughter well
@ohiseutv Thanks

yawnsvillex · 01/09/2020 06:51

@eurochick that's exactly what I thought. Dick Moore, a professor's son did exactly this. Heart wrenching story.

GoldenNCurly · 01/09/2020 06:56

If she is suffering from depression I would be hesitant to allow her to go as there is a increased chance she may harm herself.
A break away however might be beneficial to her mental health.
Can you recommend a place in the UK that is far enough away she feels she has space and can breath but close enough for you to get to if needed?

nosswith · 01/09/2020 06:56

I would say no to anywhere outside the UK given the issues you discuss. Were she in good health I would choose Berlin of the three.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 01/09/2020 06:57

I did this at barely 19. Mental health was very poor and I needed to be away. Spent three weeks in South Africa and came back feeling a million times better. Since then I’ve travelled alone several times - it’s liberating and makes you feel very capable which is good for MH.

whirlwindwallaby · 01/09/2020 07:02

I stayed at a youth hostel on an island at 15 alone and severely underweight with anorexia, my parents said I was 16. It was a turning point for me.

Redrosesandsunsets · 01/09/2020 07:04

I think you can have a realistic conversation with her and say look not everything will be open or as it normally was before Covid. And so it could be more boring than she hopes and it could lead to her being “triggered” by her mental health issues. I think it’s fair to talk about it with her and ask her more questions - like what do you plan to do there, and what can you book before you go to ensure you have sometime do?
And if not and there’s not much to book them ask her to wait another few months and go when things open up... maybe just delay her trip abs in the meantime can she get on anti depressants or something to help stabilize her because let’s face it she’s free to explore the world now she’s 17 and it might be what she needs. Just be carful with depression as once she gets stuck in that place and it could be hard to come out of while on holiday. Also being alone could be the worst thing for her. Just my thoughts.

LetMeVent · 01/09/2020 07:06

I know you say the recent abuse and miscarriage have led to her depression but has she had ups and downs prior to that? Does she have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder or is it a one-off depressive period? I ask because I have a sibling with bi-polar disorder who has long periods of depression that have always been triggered by partner-related trauma (death of, or mistreatment by). She took herself off on a city break aged 21 and her erratic behaviour sparked enough concern for the hotel to call the police. She ended up sectioned. I don’t think anyone could have stopped her from going, and she often still comes up with plans to visit big cities even though she gets overwhelmed and confused by the number of people. She literally does just spend her days shopping (which in itself is an issue as she hasn’t much money). I’m not sure how helpful it would be, but if your daughter insists on going then perhaps she can at least give you the hotel details (tell her it’s so you can contact her in an emergency) and give them a ring to ask if they can keep an eye on her for you?
Until she’s 18 and living in your home you should still have a big say in whether or not she can go, and it doesn’t matter that other people went travelling at 16/17. This is your child and she has depression.

Standrewsschool · 01/09/2020 07:09

Another no from me.

My first thought was that she was planning to meet up with someone she met on the Internet.

RandomTree · 01/09/2020 07:12

I would feel concerned OP, but I would let her go. She's 17, in a few months time she will be an adult. She's old enough to do this sort of thing if she wants to. Legally I'm not sure you can stop her, and trying to will damage your relationship.

Let her go. I know you will be worried. Make sure she knows that she can call you at any time of the day or night. Maybe suggest a UK city instead so you can drive to join her if she changes her mind?

MistressMounthaven · 01/09/2020 07:14

Can you contact your GP and ask whom they advise you speak to.
We have mental health nurses who go to people's homes and visit people with dementia etc - I think you need an expert to speak to her.

Thepilotlightsgoneout · 01/09/2020 07:15

Compromise on a UK city break? Bath, Cambridge, York all nice and would serve the same purpose.

Cupoftchaiagain · 01/09/2020 07:16

Travelling alone - in similar v depressive periods of my late teens /early 20s was the most helpful, affirming thing for my identity and confidence. She doesn’t need your permission and u must be careful not to make her feel suffocated.

Yes it was risky but it was me taking back choice and control. To be horribly blunt, I could and would have killed my self anywhere. I didn’t need to go away.
I would as posters above say have an open and honest conversation, name your fears - is it suicide, Or self harm, Or that she will be miserable- and try to get some agreement that if she feels that way she will do x y z To keep herself safe and when and how she will get help. It might be helpful to you, as you must be so scared for her, to look at the ‘safe talk’ training materials or Assist - planned approaches for intervening in mental health crisis designed for lay people to use. Good luck to you both, it’s so hard when all u want to do is wrap her up and protect her. But this could be a step of healing - u need to try find out which.

seayork2020 · 01/09/2020 07:16

@Durgasarrow

I would be concerned that she has met up with some man online who is grooming her and trying to get her to fly somewhere where she will be vulnerable. What she is proposing is strange.
Why is it strange?
MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 01/09/2020 07:16

I understand your concerns but, realistically, you cannot stop her if she is determined to go. So you need to work on risk mitigation. Would she consider a night or two in a UK city initially, with a plan to do the foreign trip in the future, post-Covid? And would she consider a youth hostel (you can have your own room in many of them now), rather than a hotel?