To be annoyed about DH changing career?

[3ormoredogs]

I know I probably sound selfish here but I had to ask anyway.

DH is a teacher. He is quite high up band wise. While training I supported him and have done the bulk of the childcare and running of the household while he worked himself up and trained, went on multiple courses and stayed up late working etc.

My career suffered through being a parent but I still work almost full time and contribute £25k/year to the family pot as well as doing most of the drop offs and pick ups and usual child related activities! I am also mid qualification to try and increase my own income but I don’t work in a high paid sector so DH is the main earner.

DH obviously does the childcare during school holidays which saves us a small fortune and means he can spend time with the DC. He is also home early enough to help and the job is pretty stable so we don’t tend to worry as some people have had to during corona etc.

We have finally started to pull ourselves around financially. Not rich but can afford to buy the odd nice thing without worrying and go on camping holidays that type of thing. We have just got out of debt. We have also just bought a new house that requires a lot of work, top of our budget but a family home in a rural area with good schools which we were planning on doing up bit by bit.

DH has hated his job for a while, moved around a bit to different roles in different schools and has now declared he wants to leave teaching and retrain. Apparently he can’t cope with the job any more and it’s causing him to be miserable and lockdown has made him see just how miserable. He has also said he’s been having anxiety at work for a while and does not want to cope with that amount of stress and pressure for the next 30 years.

I feel bad that he hates his job but don’t know how I can pretend I’m not very annoyed when he is talking about a drop in income of at least £20k which would mean an end to being able to afford anything for the next 5 years. We do not have any luxuries we can cut back on and very much live comfortably but not enough to loose £1k per month or whatever it would be.

He said his mental health is more important than money and his family think I’m selfish for saying this is not something we can look into with small children having just bought a house and that he needs to stick it out a while longer.
Not only that but the lack of job security really worries me in these uncertain times, he hasn’t even decided what he wants to do yet! He said a trade of some description or maybe police force as he thinks as a teacher he would have a good chance of getting in? Plus the shift work and childcare issues it’s going to create.

So, am I a selfish person thinking about my own happiness or should I be supporting my husband and thinking we could make this work?

Anybody dropped massively in income who can tell me it would be okay in the end?

I think the vote is more because neither are unreasonable. OP is not unreasonable for their fears and their DH is not unreasonable for wanting to leave. But the urges are to support his MH and figure it out together which I think they will do after the initial shock of the conversation.

I don't blame you for feeling annoyed, but teaching is hard enough when you do enjoy it, especially at this time. I can't imagine what it would be like if I were burned out on it.

I don't think you are BU at all. I'm in my 40s and 20 years into a career that is stable, sometimes I love it and sometimes I hate it. There have been times I have been so anxious about work it has made me very ill, BUT i have DC and a mortgage to pay. My OH has been really supportive during the rough times and suggested I retrain but there's no way I could take the pay cut, especially as I have no idea where I'd start and the uncertainty at the moment around jobs is a huge factor. It's just not practical or fair.
So no I don't think you are U at all

I would be annoyed too given you made sacrifices for him to train in the first place and now says he feels too stressed to do the job. I understand that teaching can be stressful but he needs to come up with a plan. Tell him to start applying for other jobs but you cannot support him just on your salary while he retrains for something else again. What is to say he does not find that stressful either? If he retrains he needs to find an income from somewhere. You are not being selfish, just realistic.

I can understand your frustration here and it's not going to be easy for you but I have to be on your husbands side here. I know the feeling of having a job you hate and the anxiety it's causes and the strong impact on your mental health. You should support him in whatever he decides as if you refuse to be on board and let him it will likely ruin your relationship.

Will you have to sell the house? Yanbu if he merrily bought it with you, knowing that it was a bad idea.

@3ormoredogs

I think being off for months hasn’t helped. Realising how consumed by it he has been for the past 10 years and knowing he has to go back to it all after a long period of time off. He said his colleagues are looking forward to going back but he feels dread.

I agree that he does need to think about what he wants to do but we need a proper plan not just throw away a whole career without any idea of what next. His ideas have ranged from electrician to police and everything inbetween.

He has had no counselling or anything like that and can’t speak to anyone at work about it.

I would happily apply for a higher paid role but realistically for someone with no qualifications in anything but the field I’m currently in with no transferable skills where are these jobs I can walk into on more than £25k? I’m not sure it’s that easy to just say increase my income. Also how do I fit a second job around family life when I already work full time in shift work? Sometimes I don’t finish until 9pm at night and it’s never consistent so i can’t get a night job or something like that. Plus me working 60-70hours a week to keep us floating while he retrains or finds a new job can’t be good for my mental health either.

You say that you have no transferable skills and that you do shift work. What is it that you do that isn't transferable? Are you relying on your partner's better income prospects? Could your partner stay at home a bit more and you get a different job? Could you retrain? It does sound as though your home has turned into a money pit and you might need to rethink this, or don't you want to? You cannot expect your partner to just wobble on regardless and it might be that you need to find a better job in the interim. It's all swings and roundabouts.

@MiddleClassProblem

I think you need to come up with a plan before he calls quits if what he would really like to do and also see if he feels different with being back in school again.

He may take a role that is less of a salary drop than you are expecting and there may be some transferable skills. If he’s an upper band I’d assume he has some responsibility as a year or dept head still least.

I think you have run through your fears but you should bring them to the table rationally and not in a “you can’t do that” way but in a “if we do this, we need to a figure out how to deal with xyz”.

I think as he doesn’t know what, that’s the main key to figure out before anything is officially decided on.

This. Sometimes just realising that your parter is listening, makes a huge difference. Try to listen and understand. Then you both will be able to work out something together. Good luck!

Hey Op! My DP has just done this exact thing, for similar reasons, and gave up 50k to join the police. Was an environmental engineer before, brought work home with him evening and weekends and even did a few hours everyday on our last holiday abroad (was NOT impressed!).
He’s much happier now and we actually spend much more quality time together as he’s not bringing the work home with him. He also helps more round the house which is a bonus!
It hasn’t been plain sailing though. Took 18 months from application to start date and it was a pretty gruelling process, not for the faint hearted. Someone on his intake, who’d previously worked as a lawyer, was told they weren’t going to make it halfway through the class training (after the 18month application process) and their probation was ended effective immediately! He’s also found the shift work hard to adjust to.

It is hard having less money coming in but I’m so proud of him and he’s got that spark back - I don’t think you can put a price on that.

It's not fair on him to expect him to do a job that causes him stress and it's also not fair on his students to have a teacher who hates the job and essentially does not want to be there!! I'm with your dh on this one...as a teacher who is also transitioning out of teaching...I get it!! Why don't you agree that he should keep going UNTIL he finds out what he wants for sure!

Id be terrified. My dh also did this, left a high flying City job earning big money to join the police. If he thinks it’s less stressful than teaching, he’s blind! I’m a teacher, top of my scale, yes, it’s stressful and I think management are looking in many schools to cut costs, hence they mention competence procedures to more expensive staff-this was what my union told me (London) was happening to many teachers.

My dh did this aged just under 30. I supported him, because he was desperate and I couldn’t see him suffer, but I totally understand the OP’s concerns. However, I think she needs to support her dh, but he definitely needs a plan before randomly resigning. Could he do one more year, starts a new job next September? Save like demons til then? I can see why he just went along with the bigger house etc. It can be done on a budget, they might have to forgo holidays for a few years.

It's not fair of him to cause his wife and family stress and to expect his wife to carry him, domestically, emotionally and possibly finincially - again.

Understanding his feelings about teaching does nothing to help solve the problem of their future as a family.

A PP mentioned a career coach. That's an excellent idea.
Normally in this situation I'd suggest working for a charity, perhaps even fundraising (I know a lot of fundraisers who used to be teachers) but the charity sector is anticipating around 66,000 job losses soon - with many of those in fundraising so it's a bad time to change to that.

He could get a fundraising position with a private school. His teaching experience might counter his lack of fundraising experience.

YANBU. Struggling financially won't do wonders for antyone's mental health.

So, am I a selfish person thinking about my own happiness - Yes

He must be pretty senior to face dropping £20k?

Burn out in teaching is high, though. If he perseveres, you run the risk of him crashing and not being fitvto move on.

I supported my husband while he left a lucrative career to do academic research. He has recently returned to this career after 8 years out and the relief is indescribable.

Of course you have to support your partner, but honestly, the toll this has taken on me mentally and physically has been huge. Don't underestimate that.

I sympathise with him - I'm very stressed with work at the moment. But if I quit, then bills don't get paid and we will lose our home and everything else. The time for him to say this was before you thought about moving to a more expensive place.

I'd be very upset about this OP. He needs to find a different job before resigning.

As someone with a brother and several other friends/relatives in the police AND Ditto teaching, if he thinks policing is LESS stressful he’s deluded!

His mental health is important, of course it is, but how is his mh going to be affected if he suddenly and blindly quits work with nothing else lined up and a huge drop in income?

Money worries/being significantly worse off can also be incredibly stressful.

You can support him changing career and it would still be reasonable to expect him to do this sensibly and bearing in mind your (plural) current financial commitments and what if anything can be reduced without massively negatively impacting your family eg moving to a cheaper house might also mean a change of school, potentially to a worse school for your dc

Does he expect to have things improve for him alone but deteriorate significantly for you and dc? That wouldn’t be fair and again would surely make his life more stressful anyway

Has he considered the possibility of going into a non teaching but related job? Perhaps education admin or careers advice or if he teaches a subject perhaps a job in that field?

He needs to tackle this issue head-on. He has children and responsibilities.

Exactly

At the very least he needs to allow you time to increase your income

He said he hates the pressure, being judged, being assessed and being threatened with support plans for work he can’t keep up with. He said the management constantly say they can get rid of anyone not keeping up and this has been the case in every school he’s worked in...He said he hates the politics and being unable to switch off when he comes home

Well maybe he needs enlightened to the fact that all of the above is true for most jobs!

Even self employed people are being judged, being assessed by their customers and if their work isn’t up to scratch they aren’t employed again!

He seems to have a bad case of “the grass is always greener” and needs reminded that this isn’t necessarily the case.

You could search almost any job on here and find threads about the stresses of police/nhs work/retail/working in a trade...

ALL jobs/careers have cons that’s life

Whichever job/career he considers I’d strongly encourage him to look at the comments “reviews” almost by those already working in those jobs to balance his likely rose tinted view of whatever he’s considering.

The only people who breezily say "mental health is more important than money" are people who have plenty of money yep!

I’m currently unemployed mainly due to mental illness, I’d love to be working. Not working, relying on benefits/being on a very tight budget is also incredibly stressful.

I happen to think it’s not particular job types that necessarily cause stress but the people you work with, and while I’m not a teacher myself those I know that are pretty much say the same, that if you have good colleagues/bosses it’s not nearly as stressful as it can be.

It’s also possible as a pp says that he’d be stressed in any job as it’s more to do with him than the job. My ex is like this, quite honestly he’d be better being self employed but he also lacks the self motivation to do so successfully. He’s ex army, complained the army was too stressful which I kinda got and sympathised with, but now he’s working in retail - not high up - and he complains that’s too stressful too - and it’s always others to blame for the stress.

That’s because those of us in teaching have seen many colleagues struggle with mental health problems and know how serious it can be.

That reply is somewhat arrogant/insulting! Plenty of respondents inc myself may not be teachers but are

A perfectly capable and experienced in mh issues

B more than aware there are many other jobs/careers that are equally if not more stressful!

C more than aware of how stressful a major drop in income/negative change in life circumstances can be

It will not only reassure the op but be less stressful for her dh if such a change, if he does ultimately decide to make it, is managed sensibly and as smoothly as possible.

I left teaching...it was awful. You have done a lovely thing supporting your dh in the past but you need to continue to do so. His mental health is more important.

I feel bad that he hates his job but don’t know how I can pretend I’m not very annoyed when he is talking about a drop in income of at least £20k which would mean an end to being able to afford anything for the next 5 years.

If he stays and his MH suffers like it does for a lot of teachers then you'll be able to afford even less.

Don’t under estimate what staying in a job you hate can do. I know someone Who committed suicide because they couldn’t cope with work, his child found him 😢.

@PurpleDaisies

I also wonder if you hadn’t mentioned it was teaching if you would have had responses saying it was fine and you should support him.

That’s because those of us in teaching have seen many colleagues struggle with mental health problems and know how serious it can be.

Exactly. Having been in a situation where teaching rendered me suicidal and sectioned, I really would encourage you to hear what he's telling you about his mental health. I was lucky in finding another fulfilling career but I should have left long before I did.

@Coldwinterahead1

Don’t under estimate what staying in a job you hate can do. I know someone Who committed suicide because they couldn’t cope with work, his child found him 😢.

That's awful. I always remember the head teacher who committed suicide on a teacher training day at the start of the second half term. for any struggling teachers, or anybody else.

It's not fair of him to cause his wife and family stress and to expect his wife to carry him, domestically, emotionally and possibly finincially - again.

I think you need a frank conversation about his state of mind and how long he has been feeling like this.

He has mentioned support plans etc so seems to be under pressure at work. He knows as well that you are relying on his salary so may well have concealed this from you. It can be pretty daunting when you are struggling to keep going because you can't start to focus on just getting through the next day or week and the more you start to feel like this the worse it gets. Thinking of lots of random jobs might be a sign of someone thinking whimsically but could equally be a sign of someone feeling a bit trapped and sometimes your head is not in the right place to think things through clearly. Mentally is he is very stressed and has been soldiering on for the sake of the family and been concealing how stressed he is? you do need to take things seriously because feeling trapped with no options can be a dangerous place to be.

You need to figure out if lockdown has given him a taste of gettting away from the relentless grind teaching can be during term time or if he is reaching out for help. This doesn't mean that he needs to leave right away necessarily. Sometimes a move to a different school or perhaps to a box rather than leadership might help. He won't get anywhere near 50k on supply though even if he does long term stuff.