To be annoyed about DH changing career?

[3ormoredogs]

I know I probably sound selfish here but I had to ask anyway.

DH is a teacher. He is quite high up band wise. While training I supported him and have done the bulk of the childcare and running of the household while he worked himself up and trained, went on multiple courses and stayed up late working etc.

My career suffered through being a parent but I still work almost full time and contribute £25k/year to the family pot as well as doing most of the drop offs and pick ups and usual child related activities! I am also mid qualification to try and increase my own income but I don’t work in a high paid sector so DH is the main earner.

DH obviously does the childcare during school holidays which saves us a small fortune and means he can spend time with the DC. He is also home early enough to help and the job is pretty stable so we don’t tend to worry as some people have had to during corona etc.

We have finally started to pull ourselves around financially. Not rich but can afford to buy the odd nice thing without worrying and go on camping holidays that type of thing. We have just got out of debt. We have also just bought a new house that requires a lot of work, top of our budget but a family home in a rural area with good schools which we were planning on doing up bit by bit.

DH has hated his job for a while, moved around a bit to different roles in different schools and has now declared he wants to leave teaching and retrain. Apparently he can’t cope with the job any more and it’s causing him to be miserable and lockdown has made him see just how miserable. He has also said he’s been having anxiety at work for a while and does not want to cope with that amount of stress and pressure for the next 30 years.

I feel bad that he hates his job but don’t know how I can pretend I’m not very annoyed when he is talking about a drop in income of at least £20k which would mean an end to being able to afford anything for the next 5 years. We do not have any luxuries we can cut back on and very much live comfortably but not enough to loose £1k per month or whatever it would be.

He said his mental health is more important than money and his family think I’m selfish for saying this is not something we can look into with small children having just bought a house and that he needs to stick it out a while longer.
Not only that but the lack of job security really worries me in these uncertain times, he hasn’t even decided what he wants to do yet! He said a trade of some description or maybe police force as he thinks as a teacher he would have a good chance of getting in? Plus the shift work and childcare issues it’s going to create.

So, am I a selfish person thinking about my own happiness or should I be supporting my husband and thinking we could make this work?

Anybody dropped massively in income who can tell me it would be okay in the end?

He is no good with tech. His subject is a written one he isn’t really interested in.

He said he hates the pressure, being judged, being assessed and being threatened with support plans for work he can’t keep up with. He said the management constantly say they can get rid of anyone not keeping up and this has been the case in every school he’s worked in. He’s already dropped his TLR. He said he hates the politics and being unable to switch off when he comes home. All of this i really do understand and I can see how stressed he is but I also see that loads of jobs are stressful.

I can increase my career prospects but not to the extent of earning large amounts and also having time for DC and everything else. I work in a small sector where career oppertunities aren’t easy to come bye so I’ve stayed in this job as it’s secure and flexible for childcare. I’m also higher up the list so less likely to be made redundant if this recession was to get worse.

I understand your frustration, having supported him through training, we we regularly hear how stressful teaching can be, I think you have to support him. I’m sure he is disappointed it didn’t work out himself.

I’d also be internally rolling my eyes at his thought on the police as in any way less stressful, and as you say, it’s rarely a very family friendly career path.
I’d be privately hoping he doesn’t get in, which I think is the likeliest outcome.
Would he consider supply teaching? Sounds like hell to me but a friend has done it for years. She gets good pay but is removed from shitty SLT twattery and has fewer responsibilities than permanent staff.

I’m with @Keeva2017
Also the police? He thinks that’s less stressful....
a Trade? You said you live rural...
What happens if he trains for something else for a few years, gets a job, then that’s a bit stressful? Is he going to keep leaving jobs?!

I think he's a bit crazy to choose now to leave a solid job like teaching

Are you a teacher?

You’re underestimating just how damaging being in a career that has a negative effect on your mental health can be.

While your worries about finances are completely understandable, your husband is right that money is not as important as his mental health, and it is selfish for you to want to sacrifice that on his behalf so that your life is easier.

It’s not like he’s saying he doesn’t want to work at all, he just wants to work somewhere different, and you should be supportive of that if you love him.

I think you need to come up with a plan before he calls quits if what he would really like to do and also see if he feels different with being back in school again.

He may take a role that is less of a salary drop than you are expecting and there may be some transferable skills. If he’s an upper band I’d assume he has some responsibility as a year or dept head still least.

I think you have run through your fears but you should bring them to the table rationally and not in a “you can’t do that” way but in a “if we do this, we need to a figure out how to deal with xyz”.

I think as he doesn’t know what, that’s the main key to figure out before anything is officially decided on.

Support him but try to make a five year plan for getting back to the current joint earnings (or delay the move/try something else in teaching until your wages go up - what about hospital education services). That plan might mean you going up the ladder not him.
Also agree concrete plans for what you will cut back on, and concrete plans for pension/retirement income.
That will support him but with realism.

@PurpleDaisies I was a teacher - I left 5 years ago. In a recession/depression that we are told we are in/is coming then teaching is a stable career compared to most?
I'm not saying it's an easy job or an enjoyable one necessarily- it's a vocation. I hated 80% of the job, that's why I left.
But I didn't have children relying on my salary keeping a roof over their heads at that time.

has he got a plan at all for a different career-can he sort out childcare still

is there a compromise where he can wait till youve qulaified in your career

As a police officer (who joined later in life and took a big paycut) I think he might be looking at it with rise tinted specs.

The hours, then the overtime, are relentless, especially in the first few years and especially as most forces are understaffed.

Depending on where he is, it's very difficult to take annual leave too.

While I wouldn't discourage anyone from pursuing something they're passionate about, I'd suggest he researches this very carefully.

Which sector is he planning to move to? How do you know it pays £20k? Unless I missed that. I think what he retrains to is crucial. Presumably, the earliest this can happen is Christmas, as he hasn't given notice yet. You can feel quietly disappointed, but he has to be happy too.

he can’t cope with the job any more and it’s causing him to be miserable and lockdown has made him see just how miserable. He has also said he’s been having anxiety at work for a while

Assuming this is true (and I see nothing in OP to make me doubt it), his job is making him ill.

It's understandable that you're worried about the future and what might happen as a result of a change. You have obviously made genuine sacrifices up to this point which haven't led you to the life you hoped for. I would guess this isn't how he wanted things to go either.

It may be worth talking to him about taking on more of the pick ups/drop offs or you becoming the main earner if that would work better for you both.
It is reasonable to expect that he sits down with you and looks practically at the finances of childcare and the new mortgage as part of any decision.

But honestly, in your OP you seem to be minimising the fact that his job is damaging his mental health and suggesting that your sacrifices in the past mean he should continue as he is. Do you believe he is suffering from anxiety? Would you feel this way if his job was causing physical symptoms?

If this is new, you might need some time to get your head around it and you're entitled to feel stressed and disoriented but I would hope in a loving relationship, you would support him in doing what he needs to stay well.

Teaching is not going to get better until it's properly funded and radically reformed. Teachers are leaving and being damaged by stress left right and centre. I would be supporting him.

To answer some questions.

He hasn’t mentioned any of this before now he said he hates his job in a flippant way but nothing seriously.
He enjoyed the job previously but now hates it.
I supported both of us financially while he trained.
We spent years in a tiny tiny 2bed saving and paying debt to move here. He knew the house needed lots of work and was excited to get on with it.

Now he’s done a complete 360 and wants to uproot us all with no warning. There’s no way we can financially make this work without changing our whole family life.

It’s not about fancy houses or nice cars, it’s literally going back to that feeling of not knowing if we can afford to buy school uniform or buy that ice cream on a family day out when it’s something I didn’t know he was going to throw us all back into so soon

I understand OP. I went through the same with my DH.

He was a very high earner but the stress was killing him. He wanted to just leave though, with no plan in place at all. I had already cut back my career due to DC.

In the end a voluntary redundancy package was offered and he put his hand up. This gave us a bit of breathing space but, as it would happen, one of his contacts asked him if he would be interested in a job - it was about half the pay he was used to (but still good, financially we are fine) but he took it and started the job a month after he left his old place.

However, one caveat. The grass is not always greener. DH works just as hard, just as long hours and the stress is still there. It is his personality type, he could work in McDonalds and would still be the same.

Could he reduce to part time? It may give him the time to reassess and you both get used to the drop in income? I wish my DH had tried that (he refused to even ask) as he could have earned the same as he does now but had more free time.

What career does he want to go into? Will it be an easy transition? I imagine it will be easy for him to go back to teaching/ do supply work on the side if need be?

If he already has the treat of a support plan and has dropped his TLR I'd suggest that he is under an immense amount of pressure. I was there and I became very ill; I'm still teaching but had a big change of scenery to help. My partner 100% understood that I may have to leave however.

My back up is driving instructor and I still have that in the back of my mind if teaching keeps going downhill. Has he thought of that? Working less hours (not the paid 32 a week!) Will give a very reasonable income.

Now he’s done a complete 180 and wants to uproot us all with no warning. There’s no way we can financially make this work without changing our whole family life.

Doesn’t that tell you something about how unhappy he must be? Presumably he doesn’t have form for just being an arsehole?

I don’t know that he’s definitely going to drop 20-30k but it’s likley isnt it?

Which jobs can you walk into on 40-50k. There aren’t many are there?

@3ormoredogs

To answer some questions.

He hasn’t mentioned any of this before now he said he hates his job in a flippant way but nothing seriously.
He enjoyed the job previously but now hates it.
I supported both of us financially while he trained.
We spent years in a tiny tiny 2bed saving and paying debt to move here. He knew the house needed lots of work and was excited to get on with it.

Now he’s done a complete 360 and wants to uproot us all with no warning. There’s no way we can financially make this work without changing our whole family life.

It’s not about fancy houses or nice cars, it’s literally going back to that feeling of not knowing if we can afford to buy school uniform or buy that ice cream on a family day out when it’s something I didn’t know he was going to throw us all back into so soon

You earn 25k right? So even if he got say a £10k salary, you couldn't manage? We lived off 27k with a mortgage and 2 kids, but we could still afford ice creams. Can't you cut your cloth?

What about tutoring as a job?

My concern would be the fact that he’s not saying ‘I want to give up teaching to do my dream job’ - he’s saying ‘I don’t enjoy teaching anymore; maybe I could join the police or learn a trade?’ It’s all a bit pie in the sky. He’s asking his family to take a big income hit so he can do some other undefined job that he might not even be able to get into. What’s the plan while he trains? Does he have a back-up?

No he isn’t an arsehole.
I know I’m being selfish and I’ve tried to keep it to myself but I am really really worried about him trying to find a new job in a recession with no new qualifications and dc to support!

Mental health is important. As is physical health.

But health does not exist in isolation from the rest of your life.

1. Suggesting policing would be less stressful, less pressured and not have the same cultural/employment problems that are making him miserable in teaching is completely irrational verging on delusional.

1. Money problems, struggling to scrape by, debt, and poverty have hugely detrimental effects on mental health. The only people who breezily say "mental health is more important than money" are people who have plenty of money, assume they will always be cushioned from the worst that poverty can throw your way, and can't imagine what it's like to be struggling. Truly struggling. If he has a genuine financial plan to go with this glib statement then that's different.

1. Homelessness is also pretty bad for mental health. Catastrophically bad. Would your home be at risk if he jumps and ends up with no job?

1. What about your mental health?

1. What is his plan to manage his family's needs? (He doesn't "help" at home, he fulfils his obligations ).

Teaching isn't well paid though. Why can't he just get a job like everyone else instead of something he has to retrain for that requires a drop in income? Is his ego tied up in something he sees as 'worthwhile' or 'interesting'? Perhaps he has to lose his idea of himself as someone saving the nations children and see himself as someone doing right by their family doing what the rest of us do - working at a job that is interesting sometimes but not all the time that pays quite well.

Tell him great, leave teaching, the very second you find a paying job that has the same pay and allows extra for childcare for holidays.

He doesn't get to follow his dream. He does get to leave teaching if he hates it so much. No massive drop in income required.

I am really really worried about him trying to find a new job in a recession with no new qualifications and dc to support!

I would not consider it selfish to be worried about that.