To be annoyed about DH changing career?

[3ormoredogs]

I know I probably sound selfish here but I had to ask anyway.

DH is a teacher. He is quite high up band wise. While training I supported him and have done the bulk of the childcare and running of the household while he worked himself up and trained, went on multiple courses and stayed up late working etc.

My career suffered through being a parent but I still work almost full time and contribute £25k/year to the family pot as well as doing most of the drop offs and pick ups and usual child related activities! I am also mid qualification to try and increase my own income but I don’t work in a high paid sector so DH is the main earner.

DH obviously does the childcare during school holidays which saves us a small fortune and means he can spend time with the DC. He is also home early enough to help and the job is pretty stable so we don’t tend to worry as some people have had to during corona etc.

We have finally started to pull ourselves around financially. Not rich but can afford to buy the odd nice thing without worrying and go on camping holidays that type of thing. We have just got out of debt. We have also just bought a new house that requires a lot of work, top of our budget but a family home in a rural area with good schools which we were planning on doing up bit by bit.

DH has hated his job for a while, moved around a bit to different roles in different schools and has now declared he wants to leave teaching and retrain. Apparently he can’t cope with the job any more and it’s causing him to be miserable and lockdown has made him see just how miserable. He has also said he’s been having anxiety at work for a while and does not want to cope with that amount of stress and pressure for the next 30 years.

I feel bad that he hates his job but don’t know how I can pretend I’m not very annoyed when he is talking about a drop in income of at least £20k which would mean an end to being able to afford anything for the next 5 years. We do not have any luxuries we can cut back on and very much live comfortably but not enough to loose £1k per month or whatever it would be.

He said his mental health is more important than money and his family think I’m selfish for saying this is not something we can look into with small children having just bought a house and that he needs to stick it out a while longer.
Not only that but the lack of job security really worries me in these uncertain times, he hasn’t even decided what he wants to do yet! He said a trade of some description or maybe police force as he thinks as a teacher he would have a good chance of getting in? Plus the shift work and childcare issues it’s going to create.

So, am I a selfish person thinking about my own happiness or should I be supporting my husband and thinking we could make this work?

Anybody dropped massively in income who can tell me it would be okay in the end?

Could he just work 2 more years to help with the family finances, have counselling and maybe anti depressants, and during that time look into a change in career?

Two years is a eternity when you’re in a job that’s affecting your mental health.

@Cautionsharpblade

My salary in my 20s was a six figure sum in a job I hated. In my 30s it dropped to a third of that in a job that bored me. In my 40s it’s dropped to about £10k a year in a job I love. I am so much happier now. There’s no point being miserable.

yes, there's no point being miserable in a job you hate, but very few people could afford to take upwards of a 90% drop in salary and stay financially stable which would, in my case, cause even more stress anxiety etc. I think he is being selfish - it is not like he has a vocation that he has always wanted to follow - he doesn't even know what he wants to do. He needs to think of ways to deal with the stress of his job whilst making an exit plan/career change.

He needs to be proactive in finding something else then. Is he hoping to just leave and his stress will be banished, even with losing the house potentially and not being able to afford utilities? Because it won't. Sure if the job is lower paid that's fair enough, as long as between you both you can cover the bills, but he doesn't seem to even be looking into any sort of other job, other than throwing out some random occupations.

@Cautionsharpblade

My salary in my 20s was a six figure sum in a job I hated. In my 30s it dropped to a third of that in a job that bored me. In my 40s it’s dropped to about £10k a year in a job I love. I am so much happier now. There’s no point being miserable.

Do you have children and family obligations? I could live on peanuts when I was single and childless, only responsible for myself, and be totally happy. Any decent parent wants to provide the best possible life for their children though, and massive drop in income and massively increased expenses (re-training and child care) will not exactly be stress free.

Difference being that it sounds like the DH expects OP to deal with all that, while he is sitting there dreaming about maybe becoming an astronaut ..or starting a famous band..

@DillonPanthersTexas What an unpleasant comment

It’s true though, far too many people blame their MH as a get out clause. The OP husband has a family so he can’t just quit when it causes them to be at a disadvantage when the OP has already supported him to train as a teacher. He can train part time if need be.

It’s true though, far too many people blame their MH as a get out clause.

And you know this how? Mental health in this country has for decades been seen as some grubby secret, a weakness or something you can just soldier through if you really tried. My wife used to be a teacher, I saw first hand how her mental well being declined over a few years until she finally managed to get out. It was heartbreaking watching this happy, outgoing, optimistic person get gound down by the job to being an exhausted miserable wreak. Perhaps I should have told her to suck it up and pull herself together.

I think being off for months hasn’t helped. Realising how consumed by it he has been for the past 10 years and knowing he has to go back to it all after a long period of time off

Has he actually been off, even from keyworker children? Or do you mean back to normal, rather than back to work?

So he's no good at tech. Doesn't enjoy his written subject. Doesn't like pressure or being judged. Kind of narrows his options down

Yes it does. The idea that he can swan off to the police or similar to have an easier life is ridiculous. What serious thought has he given to alternatives and retraining?

As PPs have said, being short of money with bills and children is pretty damned stressful for the whole family. None of us can just walk away from work without a clear plan without having a major negative impact on our families.

Is he really suffering from mental health problems or having the standard midlife "its all a bit shit, I've got another 20 yrs to go" moment? Because before he tosses the family up in the air he needs to be very clear what is the real problem or he will be complaining about the next job with less money.

Being bored or pissed off or frustrated with work is not a mental health problem, if he is developing one then the first steps are to get help to address that in situ and get to the root of the current problems.
The second steps are to have a clear plan of options which doesn't include wild assumptions about other stressful jobs being magically easier.

If he is simply bored, frustrated or unhappy in this specific school then he can look for another school or suck it up like every other parent.
If he is actually developing a problem then a realistic plan is needed with some sensible career planning.

I've spent the last 13 years as an administrator and hated it. Three of those years were spent in a wildly underpaid, high-stress job with a hideous manager that had me crying the staff toilets at least once a month. I actually left that permanent job for a temporary contract (internal move) because I just couldn't do it anymore. Everyone in my life commented on how the job had changed me.

I've since taken a 30% pay cut to retrain and we've had to tighten our belts but DH fully supports me. However, I know exactly what I want to do, I am fully aware of my earning potential afterwards and how competitive jobs are at the other end. If I'd quit my job to mooch around and "find my passion" I think DH would have had something to say about it.

Also, we inherited our house so don't have a mortgage and we don't have kids. I have the luxury of focusing on myself and taking risks. Your DH's position is a lot more precarious.

You said in previous thread that you could scrape by if he does this. My answer is assuming this is right.

Lots of people are feeling very shaken right now as things attempt to get back to normal but it is not normal. Teachers high in that category. I wonder if his current unhappiness might be very time defined and may lessen as he gets into the new normality ? I am currently lower than I have ever been about my job. Heck just this morning I thought to myself - I really want to just throw in the towel. But I’m aware that I need to stick it it through a really tough patch of a lot of challenges and changes.

I also suggest he may benefit from counselling before such a major life decision made because of stress and unhappiness.

However overriding this - his mental health is more important than anything and I would assume is to you as well ?
Millions are ‘just scraping by’. Millions more are worse off than that.
What’s to stop you moving to a more affordable house - that surely is the most sensible start if indeed he needs to retrain. ???

Good luck supporting him and he you through this op.

What’s to stop you moving to a more affordable house - that surely is the most sensible start if indeed he needs to retrain.

Because they've just incurred a load of moving costs they can't recoup?
Because moving is expensive?
Because she and the children may actually like their house?
Because it's guaranteed they'd find a buyer at the right price, or find a cheaper house they liked?
Because a dozen more reasons.

So far OP has facilitated EVERYTHING in her husband's life and is taking on the majority of caring and mental loss while trying to build her own career. As far as I can tell he's flailing around, unable to stick at anything and expecting the family to once again change their lives around.

And he doesn't even have a plan! Nor does he seem capable of making a robust one.

Is he already facing or under capability procedures? If he is, moving to another school would be very difficult. He could also be facing dismissal before too long, especially as he's expensive and the school might be looking to trim their budget. People under capability can be removed pretty quickly. Asking to drop a day won't be easy with next year's timetable planned.

As for his career plans, he sounds as though he's panicking to me, which wouldn't be too surprising. He doesn't sound like someone who's idly thinking he fancies doing something else because his job isn't a laugh a minute.

Also applying for other jobs out of teaching isn't easy because of the required notice period. And how is he supposed to train part time if he can't keep up with the workload now?

I certainly think he should talk with his GP though.

@TravelDreamLife

There are other careers his teaching degree can transfer to. Look around to try that first. I used to work at a uni in learning development. Most of my colleagues were ex teachers & it's a very interesting & dynamic area. It was quite well paid, too. There's also adult education companies, which teach qualifications online & students are pretty much autonomous & follow set work - no lesson plans.

Lots of other places teaching can get you. At least if he gives it a go he'll be out of teaching & can consider options.

I agree with this, but it's really important that he finds this alternative job first because it may not be as easy as he'd hope to come by at the moment. Universities, local authorities, educational charities, many of the other sectors that are really good options for teachers - sadly, none of these are in a great position currently, and redundancies are more likely than new hires.

But this is exactly why he should start looking now - it is likely to take a while and the longer he puts off looking the more likely it is that he'll get desperate and quit with nothing to go to, which could be a disaster. It might also bring some of the reality that other jobs also have downsides and he needs to think about this job if he starts actually preparing applications - his current plan ('trade, or maybe the police') and the worrying suggestion that he might quit and then decide what's next makes this sound more like a fantasy than a plan. I think OP should be supportive if and when it becomes an actual, viable plan.

Right now it sounds like this is you versus your DH when it needs to be both of you versus the problem.

Having faced a similar situation I think the key thing to do is to get absolutely everything worked out financially and time wise to understand what the options are. This is NOT something you should do on your own, you need to work it out together.

First of all, what are unavoidable outgoings that you have to pay. Work out the minimum you can earn as a couple to cover them to figure out the ceiling where you have to sell the house and downsize. If he's looking at shifwork don't forget to add in holiday childcare costs.

Then look realistically at job opportunities. If you are going to lose his income, how can he increase that even temporarily? If you're not too rural stocking shelves and delivery driving can combine to make sure you've got something extra coming in. Can you move to an interim solution of supply / part-time teaching work with extra side jobs to stockpile cash to see you through finishing your training period / his potential training times.

He needs to get realistic about his job options and the pressures of the police. He has to accept he has responsibilities to you and your children and come up with a feasible plan to keep them. I'd recommend he speak to actual police or tradies to understand what he'd be swapping teaching for so he goes into it with his eyes open and rose tinted glasses removed.

@3ormoredogs

I know I probably sound selfish here but I had to ask anyway.

DH is a teacher. He is quite high up band wise. While training I supported him and have done the bulk of the childcare and running of the household while he worked himself up and trained, went on multiple courses and stayed up late working etc.

My career suffered through being a parent but I still work almost full time and contribute £25k/year to the family pot as well as doing most of the drop offs and pick ups and usual child related activities! I am also mid qualification to try and increase my own income but I don’t work in a high paid sector so DH is the main earner.

DH obviously does the childcare during school holidays which saves us a small fortune and means he can spend time with the DC. He is also home early enough to help and the job is pretty stable so we don’t tend to worry as some people have had to during corona etc.

We have finally started to pull ourselves around financially. Not rich but can afford to buy the odd nice thing without worrying and go on camping holidays that type of thing. We have just got out of debt. We have also just bought a new house that requires a lot of work, top of our budget but a family home in a rural area with good schools which we were planning on doing up bit by bit.

DH has hated his job for a while, moved around a bit to different roles in different schools and has now declared he wants to leave teaching and retrain. Apparently he can’t cope with the job any more and it’s causing him to be miserable and lockdown has made him see just how miserable. He has also said he’s been having anxiety at work for a while and does not want to cope with that amount of stress and pressure for the next 30 years.

I feel bad that he hates his job but don’t know how I can pretend I’m not very annoyed when he is talking about a drop in income of at least £20k which would mean an end to being able to afford anything for the next 5 years. We do not have any luxuries we can cut back on and very much live comfortably but not enough to loose £1k per month or whatever it would be.

He said his mental health is more important than money and his family think I’m selfish for saying this is not something we can look into with small children having just bought a house and that he needs to stick it out a while longer.
Not only that but the lack of job security really worries me in these uncertain times, he hasn’t even decided what he wants to do yet! He said a trade of some description or maybe police force as he thinks as a teacher he would have a good chance of getting in? Plus the shift work and childcare issues it’s going to create.

So, am I a selfish person thinking about my own happiness or should I be supporting my husband and thinking we could make this work?

Anybody dropped massively in income who can tell me it would be okay in the end?

Yes you are selfish. I think you need a career change into a more highly paid sector and share the mental load of being the breadwinner for a while. Your DH can spend that time at home or in low paid work to support the house

I haven't read the whole thread. But I'd be annoyed that he wanted to buy a house which needs lots of work and therfore will cost lots of money then chose to express this. But what is the point in money if you are mentally unwell and can enjoy anything?

Having read the ops posts I feel this is a lesson in ensuring you continue to communicatekn shared goals and explanations. I get op is annoyed the sacraficed so he could develop a career he now wants to leave. I also think he should have shared his stress before now or op should have listened more I don't know the dynamics.

But you are where you are and the alternative seems to be him being really unhappy. But it's about compromise, how unhappy will the rest of the family be while you are on a low income? Also is he actually really unhappy or is it just having to work in general? Again this comes back to communicating properly.

If he doesn't like tech, he'll struggle in the police as most processes are computer based, the days of raising paper crimes and case files are very nearly gone for most forces. Athena /connect /niche anyone?

I wonder if his job might be under serious threat due to capability and he's been in denial about it. I think the OP needs to find out whether that's the case.

This sounds really tough op. I don’t think it would be unreasonable for you to ask for a grace period, maybe a year or two, to build up some savings and put together a proper plan. I appreciate your dh’s mental health concerns but this is a massive change for the entire family and leaping into this unprepared is not the answer.

I would also take into account that lockdown has been stressful for everyone and made many people rethink their priorities. That doesn’t necessarily mean that it is right to jeopardise your entire family situation on a whim. I think he should definitely go back to work for a period before making any rash decisions to allow himself time to settle back into normal life.

Yanbu to express concern about your financial situation, and if his family try to interfere I would ask if they are going to make up the shortfall. You have not maximised your own career to support him and be there for your family. Now he is changing the goalposts. Of course it is not unreasonable to reassess things, but I do think it is selfish of him to do this with no discussion and no contingency in place. I would also be very concerned about future job security and opportunities. The fallout from CV is going to be huge and I would be very reluctant to give up a secure job for the next couple of years.

I think when there is a mortgage and children to consider these things need to be looked at in depth to make sure that he doesn't jump out of the frying pan into the fire. He should probably have some counselling first too.

I would say it's not the best timing but teaching when you hate the job is soul destroying. If it's affecting his mental health he is best out of it sooner rather than later. Kids and schools are not the most sympathetic environments when you're struggling.

I'm the main wage earner always have been and I do anything I have to to support my family no matter how much I hate it. My family has always been more important to me than my "mental health" - which is basically a go to phrase now for people who don't like doing something.
If he was a soldier with PTSD I'd understand the mental health thing but he isn't.
I did years on nights nursing in areas I hated so my son could have the things he needed. Watched people come in with massive burns, watched kids die. I did it because my family needed the money.
If he won't put his family first I'd leave him, he sounds bloody selfish to me.

@madcatladyforever

I'm the main wage earner always have been and I do anything I have to to support my family no matter how much I hate it. My family has always been more important to me than my "mental health" - which is basically a go to phrase now for people who don't like doing something. If he was a soldier with PTSD I'd understand the mental health thing but he isn't. I did years on nights nursing in areas I hated so my son could have the things he needed. Watched people come in with massive burns, watched kids die. I did it because my family needed the money. If he won't put his family first I'd leave him, he sounds bloody selfish to me.

There are some horrible comments about mental health on here and this is one of them.

Rubbish ilovesooty, I just recognise that my son is more important. When I eventually had to retrain as I'm disabled and can't do nursing any more I worked as a nursing home nurse the entire way through my degree so the family wouldn't have to suffer loss of income.
You think I don't have mental health issues after seeing kids die? I still dream about it years and years later.
But the difference here is I've worked through it, had counselling and not just run away and given up.

Its a balancing set, yes you can have mental health issues through work but putting yourself into a situation where your finances are under pressure is also not going to help your mental health. More often than not itsnot a short temp drop in come it can take years to get bsck to where you were.

I've been there, made redundant but the job broke me i took first job I coild taking a small pay cut but it did put me under pressure financially and its taken 4yrs to finally better my position!

The job stress and mental health issue from that prev job went away 6 months and then the pressure of not having mu h money and theb your mental health related to this lasted much longer

Your op should at the very least have a concrete plan on what he wants to retrain into, know how long your financial situation could likely last for before he can earn a similar amount again.

That is only fair