To be annoyed about DH changing career?

[3ormoredogs]

I know I probably sound selfish here but I had to ask anyway.

DH is a teacher. He is quite high up band wise. While training I supported him and have done the bulk of the childcare and running of the household while he worked himself up and trained, went on multiple courses and stayed up late working etc.

My career suffered through being a parent but I still work almost full time and contribute £25k/year to the family pot as well as doing most of the drop offs and pick ups and usual child related activities! I am also mid qualification to try and increase my own income but I don’t work in a high paid sector so DH is the main earner.

DH obviously does the childcare during school holidays which saves us a small fortune and means he can spend time with the DC. He is also home early enough to help and the job is pretty stable so we don’t tend to worry as some people have had to during corona etc.

We have finally started to pull ourselves around financially. Not rich but can afford to buy the odd nice thing without worrying and go on camping holidays that type of thing. We have just got out of debt. We have also just bought a new house that requires a lot of work, top of our budget but a family home in a rural area with good schools which we were planning on doing up bit by bit.

DH has hated his job for a while, moved around a bit to different roles in different schools and has now declared he wants to leave teaching and retrain. Apparently he can’t cope with the job any more and it’s causing him to be miserable and lockdown has made him see just how miserable. He has also said he’s been having anxiety at work for a while and does not want to cope with that amount of stress and pressure for the next 30 years.

I feel bad that he hates his job but don’t know how I can pretend I’m not very annoyed when he is talking about a drop in income of at least £20k which would mean an end to being able to afford anything for the next 5 years. We do not have any luxuries we can cut back on and very much live comfortably but not enough to loose £1k per month or whatever it would be.

He said his mental health is more important than money and his family think I’m selfish for saying this is not something we can look into with small children having just bought a house and that he needs to stick it out a while longer.
Not only that but the lack of job security really worries me in these uncertain times, he hasn’t even decided what he wants to do yet! He said a trade of some description or maybe police force as he thinks as a teacher he would have a good chance of getting in? Plus the shift work and childcare issues it’s going to create.

So, am I a selfish person thinking about my own happiness or should I be supporting my husband and thinking we could make this work?

Anybody dropped massively in income who can tell me it would be okay in the end?

Can you actually see it’s harming his mental health or do you think he’s hamming it up and just not sucking it up? If he’s really struggling with anxiety etc then he needs to do something but changing career direction just to run away from a situation could end up worse...

@Supersimkin2

Work might be stressful, but not being able to pay the mortgage or feed the kids is worse.

What are his plans for supporting himself and his DC in the short term? Can he hold on for another year while you bank some cash?

This. He has financial responsibilities. He needs to work out a plan to meet them.

I'd be hacked off OP. I hope he's doing everything he can to improve his mental resilience to get through the next phase.

My DH hated teaching, was burnt out, stressed and anxious, and decided he was going to take early retirement (10 yrs early), and therefore I had to go back to work (also a teacher), full time. I understand your frustration but at end of day, you can't make someone who says they are heading for a nervous breakdown do anything they don't want to. I know if I was feeling how he wqs feeling, pressure from my partner would push me over the edge.

"they could still be earning £50k between them. If I was married to someone who wouldn't support me to leave a job I hated, I'd divorce them rather than keep at it until I had a breakdown.

He's made no effort to find another job, aside from saying he would maybe join the police to learn a trade, which isn't useful. So no, they wouldnt be earning £50k combined, they would be attempting to live off of OPs wages, which have been impacted by his career change in the first place, and he wouldn't even get JSA. Do you think not being able to pay the bills is likely to keep him from having a breakdown? I agree he should leave if he is struggling, but not without somewhere to go.

"improve his mental resiliance"! Have you ever suffered with your MH? Genuine question.

OP, it's really interesting that you say the drop in income wil affect everyone in the family except him. Why would it not affect him?

If he was the one having to explain to the DC why they couldn't live in this house, go to that school and do those activities any more, then spend all the time freed up by anaffordable activities looking after them, dealing with their everyday moods, frustrations and disappointments, he might start to feel his decision was not so stress free.

It sounds as though he wants to have his cake and eat it. Be the low paid worker / unpaid student but still have the 'wife as round-the-clock family support team' that only a well-paid, very full-time job affords or requires.

I think he's going to find taking on the increased domestic responsibilities, commensurate with his desired low/un-employment status, difficult.

My brother and SIL both left teaching. The stress was too much. They both work minimum wage jobs now and are much happier. Yes, they have had to adjust their lifestyle to fit but felt happiness was far more important.

I’d agree that staying In a job whichnis causing you anxiety is unsustainable and teaching is notorious for this. However could he try another school? Sometimes a different leadership team, etc could make a difference, if he felt more supported, etc?

I personally would advise him to be signed off with stress and take a term off to look at options. My DH wouldn't do it but I think it's what I would do if in the same situation.

It really jumps out at me that you said that you worked to put him through his training. Can you elaborate on that a bit, OP? What was the joint agreement there and what does he say about that now? Presumably he acknowledges that he damaged your earning potential in perpetuity?

@3ormoredogs

As for the poster who mentioned how would I cope if he killed himself. Really I’ve hardly said oh DH work yourself into the ground so I can drive a Range Rover, shop at Ocado and eat out 4x a week have I? If he leaves this job, we can’t pay our bills. It’s that simple.

Then he gets a good job or two to help pay bills. He hates his job, he’ll resent not being given a chance to change.

Having been a teacher and it really harming my mental health to the point of having daily panic attacks and suicidal thoughts I empathise with your dh. However it is a really hard position for you to be in as well and very unsettling in this climate. Could he try a different school firstly? Smaller? Independent? Or is he totally set on leaving? When I left the profession I was lucky that I didn't have children and therefore a bit more freedom. I hope it works out for you.

If I were you, I'd have a big think about my own employment potential, dreams, desires and possibilities. Maybe it's time for you to make the grand plan, start some additional training and apply for other things.

You could find yourself a much higher earner in five year's time.

If he can hold on for a year or two (and I think the knowledge of a likely end point can lift feelings of doom considerably) then your career paths could cross over - yours ramping up as his slows down. Domestic and support responsibilities crossing over at the same time.

As a teacher myself I can totally understand your husband POV. I admire that he has the balls to try something new (wish I did), please support him in this.

Teaching is a very stressful job so I think you should be supportive.

That said, has he considered working in the private sector before he bails completely? It has its own pressures but generally it’s less stressful than state.

I supported DH to leave a senior management position in the NHS and to retrain as a teacher. He finds teaching so much easier than his NHS role. However I get that its not for everyone. He has been teaching about 13 years now and it has been lovely to see the difference in him. I don't regret for a moment the decisions that we made back then as he was really beginning to suffer from depression and anxiety and I don't know that he would even be here now if I hadn't encouraged him to leave.
Even though he is very well paid now by teaching standards, he is only on half of what he was earning in his NHS role.
I would advise him to be very careful not to go from the frying pan into the fire though with regards to joining the Police.

I think yes, you should support him, however there needs to be a plan in place of how to transition to a new career and when. There also needs to be consideration of what Is best for the family and what you can realistically afford.

I would be annoyed if this change of heart came just after buying a new house as it adds to the pressure.

I have a friend who is a teacher. He thought the grass was greener (so to speak) and left his profession to work in a sales role in the private sector thinking all of his friends (myself included) had it easier.
After a year he was back teaching! Missed the holidays and realised the same politics and crap happens in other industries too, but with longer hours.
So you never know... maybe he needs to try out a new career to appreciate the perks of his current one.

It’s really interesting that the comments, at the mo, seem to support YABU, but the votes do not. What is the justification for YANBU?

[quote SaltyAndFresh]@Reubenshat, perhaps he'd like to switch roles while OP develops her career. She didn't have to anyway - lots of families have two FT working parents.[/quote]
Yes - mine included. We couldn’t afford full time child care so I dropped hours. Dh earned a lot more than me so that was the way it had to be. More often than not women do take a back seat because the men have more earning power. It’s not OP fault your dh didn’t try to earn more. Did your dh do child care?

OP is involved in training - she’s already trying to upgrade so it’s unfair that her working life may have to change to keep supporting a man who’s already had first choice at a career.

It’s incredible selfish he went in to buying a house that needs lots of work doing to it and has now decided to check out of his financial responsibilities. He is acting as if he has all the time in the world to choose what life he’d now like to be apart of. It’s indulgent.

I really could not trust the stability of a grown adult who would drop this shit with out even having a plan.

@notjustsomeonesmum

It’s really interesting that the comments, at the mo, seem to support YABU, but the votes do not. What is the justification for YANBU?

There are plenty of comments that support YANBU

I have a friend who is a teacher. He thought the grass was greener (so to speak) and left his profession to work in a sales role in the private sector thinking all of his friends (myself included) had it easier.

Interesting. I have exactly the opposite experience. All of the friends and ex colleagues of mine who’ve left teaching have never looked back and are much happier now (even those in new stressful roles).

I voted YANBU when the result of this will be getting plunged in a zero life with no money. No holidays, nothing. Teaching isn't that bad (I have teacher friends) and I think a lot of other jobs are far more stressful, and without months of holidays every year.

He could work in a private school too as had been suggested. Instead he wants to fiend several years training? No. He can do his training at night.

Teaching isn't that bad

Except when it is. It clearly is for the op’s husband.

@user14562156358

Mental health is important. As is physical health.

But health does not exist in isolation from the rest of your life.

1. Suggesting policing would be less stressful, less pressured and not have the same cultural/employment problems that are making him miserable in teaching is completely irrational verging on delusional.

1. Money problems, struggling to scrape by, debt, and poverty have hugely detrimental effects on mental health. The only people who breezily say "mental health is more important than money" are people who have plenty of money, assume they will always be cushioned from the worst that poverty can throw your way, and can't imagine what it's like to be struggling. Truly struggling. If he has a genuine financial plan to go with this glib statement then that's different.

1. Homelessness is also pretty bad for mental health. Catastrophically bad. Would your home be at risk if he jumps and ends up with no job?

1. What about your mental health?

1. What is his plan to manage his family's needs? (He doesn't "help" at home, he fulfils his obligations ).

This, x 10000.

I totally understand, it's such a hard situation, I rarely say this but I think he'd like to see this thread. Or at least talk to him openly like you have with us.