To be annoyed about DH changing career?

[3ormoredogs]

I know I probably sound selfish here but I had to ask anyway.

DH is a teacher. He is quite high up band wise. While training I supported him and have done the bulk of the childcare and running of the household while he worked himself up and trained, went on multiple courses and stayed up late working etc.

My career suffered through being a parent but I still work almost full time and contribute £25k/year to the family pot as well as doing most of the drop offs and pick ups and usual child related activities! I am also mid qualification to try and increase my own income but I don’t work in a high paid sector so DH is the main earner.

DH obviously does the childcare during school holidays which saves us a small fortune and means he can spend time with the DC. He is also home early enough to help and the job is pretty stable so we don’t tend to worry as some people have had to during corona etc.

We have finally started to pull ourselves around financially. Not rich but can afford to buy the odd nice thing without worrying and go on camping holidays that type of thing. We have just got out of debt. We have also just bought a new house that requires a lot of work, top of our budget but a family home in a rural area with good schools which we were planning on doing up bit by bit.

DH has hated his job for a while, moved around a bit to different roles in different schools and has now declared he wants to leave teaching and retrain. Apparently he can’t cope with the job any more and it’s causing him to be miserable and lockdown has made him see just how miserable. He has also said he’s been having anxiety at work for a while and does not want to cope with that amount of stress and pressure for the next 30 years.

I feel bad that he hates his job but don’t know how I can pretend I’m not very annoyed when he is talking about a drop in income of at least £20k which would mean an end to being able to afford anything for the next 5 years. We do not have any luxuries we can cut back on and very much live comfortably but not enough to loose £1k per month or whatever it would be.

He said his mental health is more important than money and his family think I’m selfish for saying this is not something we can look into with small children having just bought a house and that he needs to stick it out a while longer.
Not only that but the lack of job security really worries me in these uncertain times, he hasn’t even decided what he wants to do yet! He said a trade of some description or maybe police force as he thinks as a teacher he would have a good chance of getting in? Plus the shift work and childcare issues it’s going to create.

So, am I a selfish person thinking about my own happiness or should I be supporting my husband and thinking we could make this work?

Anybody dropped massively in income who can tell me it would be okay in the end?

To those saying just retrain to become the higher earner - what magic retraining is this? The OP is on a good salary, for lots and lots of people that will be the most they will ever earn. If it was that easy to just waltz into a £40k job everyone would do it!

I’m anxious on your behalf - moving isn’t easy and costs a lot. You could end up only realising the benefit of a cheaper area years down the line. He 100% needs a plan and he needs to be realistic about timelines unless he’s on the brink of a nervous breakdown. Has he actually thought through any of the financial implications??

@3ormoredogs

Teaching is hard. You can be taking abuse every day and not able to do anything about it.

I am stuck in a similar situation and have been sucking it up for a long time so my family can have the life they deserve- until it go to the point where I couldn't get the thought of suicide out of my head. I've been 6 months off work and it will still take me a long time to fully recover.

I understand he can't just quit, but there are things he can do to help him learn to switch off, to mitigate some of the pressure from management and to start looking for something else.

I think you need to help him see the way out and that might mean him leaving.

Yes you are selfish. I think you need a career change into a more highly paid sector and share the mental load of being the breadwinner for a while

Oh give over, the OP has spent most of her adult life supporting him and compromising her own opportunities to facilitate his chosen career and housing.

We don't actually know there is anything wrong with him beyond normal mid career angst. He has done nothing to seriously consider alternatives or help if he has an MH problem. Those are the next steps before throwing the family into chaos.

If he really has a burn out problem then they need to make some sort of plan but first they need to establish if there is a health issue.

It may be as PPs have suggested, that he is at risk of redundancy/disciplinary and wanting to avoid that discussion.

You need to sit down and do a full budget with him. Make him realise everything which would have to change and how near the knuckle you would be again. He has to understand the consequences. Overall it is so so so important not to hate your job, but i understand your stress and irritation too. Maybe you can find some way to do it without dropping so much money?

You're not being selfish OP, he is. Very.

If he is a teacher who has been on a support plans as suggested above then the answer is
Union
6 months full pay on sick
6 months half pay or compromise agreement of 3 months full

@Polnm

If he is a teacher who has been on a support plans as suggested above then the answer is Union 6 months full pay on sick 6 months half pay or compromise agreement of 3 months full

This is certainly something to be considered especially if, as I wonder about, he's possibly been given the head's up he could be managed out.

FOr sure call the union.

I disagree with the majority of posters. Your DH decided to have 2 children and buy a house. It constitutes embracing certain responsibilities.
It is very fashionable nowadays to claim mental health issues everywhere. Being stressed in employment happens to most people from time to time. He needs a clear plan on how to move to a different industry. This plan should involve financial part.
On the other hand your position would be stronger if you considered ways to increase your own income too

I feel for both of you in this actually.

Being in a job you hate is soul-destroyingly awful and potentially could cause such MH problems that he'll not be able to work at all for a long while.

However serious money problems are also incredibly stressful.

The only way I can see out of this one is a proper team effort from both of you. Have some strategizing meetings where you lay out a budget in a realistic way. Where could you cut a bit, where could you each earn a bit more?

Could you find another job/more hours that helps with the shortfall?

Could he stay at work for a bit longer with more support from you? From a life coach? From a counselor?

You need to be very solutions oriented, not focus on problems. Explore all options.

And we have another poster saying claiming mental health issues is fashionable. I despair, I really do.

Me too - heaven help their lack of any empathy or understanding if their own Or loved ones mental health ever causes them problems.

I just don’t understand - almost as if it’s ‘tough’ and ‘clever’ to be so dismissive of a reality.

The reality of mental health problems that is, not necessarily op’s dh who, who knows, may have all sorts of things going on including, as a possibility m, poor mental health. . . .

There is difference between mental health issues like feeling depressed to the extend of wanting to be hit by a bus to have a break and hating going to work everyday because it is stressful/upsetting. A lot of people now claim mental health issues when something is causing them continuous stress. A responsible adult with family and dependents in this case should find a manageable way out rather than give it up with no clear plan on how to support those who depend on them.

There are many pleas to OP on this thread that she take her DH's mental health struggles seriously. What I want to know is whether her DH is taking his own MH struggles seriously.

Has he been to his GP about them? Is he taking care to eat, sleep, and exercise well and maintain social contact? Has he looked into or started something like yoga, which can make a real difference and provide part of a coping strategy for mild to moderate anxiety and depression?

Sure, his job may be his main source of stress and that might need to be addressed. But it is not the only thing he can change to help himself.

Sure, the more depressd one feels, the harder it is to motivate oneself to do all that sensible self-care stuff. But it is worth it. And this man is not alone, he has a wife who can, who already does, help him with a lot of the eating, sleeping and social stuff.

He needs to identify what his problems really are, break them down and address them, steadily, sensibly, bit by bit and keep going.

I think lots of people have had a long think about their work during these past months and yes the timing is unfortunate that you bought a house just before all this began but it can’t be changed.
I would be disappointed in your shoes but what can you do other than make sure he’s forecast the stress levels of any decision to leave and isn’t just doing a grass is greener number

Also as he is a teacher I think any positions which are suitable for ex teachers are quite saught afer as teachings is hard and people leave all of the time. So the suggestions around working in local authority education department or in education charity etc are good but from the number of people who seem to hate teaching I think there will be a lot of competition. I work in the cultural sector and we have may ex teachers in learning teams or looking to join learning teams.

@Iwonder08

There is difference between mental health issues like feeling depressed to the extend of wanting to be hit by a bus to have a break and hating going to work everyday because it is stressful/upsetting. A lot of people now claim mental health issues when something is causing them continuous stress. A responsible adult with family and dependents in this case should find a manageable way out rather than give it up with no clear plan on how to support those who depend on them.

Quite clearly you don't understand mental health.

Teaching is known for high burnout and low pay. I wouldn’t be upset with him switching fields, but I would expect him to consider salary when choosing a career path. I’ve never personally known a teacher who ended up with lower pay when leaving the teaching profession.

Oh and counselling and/or CBT. Has he accessed any via his GP? His union may well be able to help with accessing this more quickly via their own provision.

The union is well worth talking to, if he hasn't done already, about the situation as a whole, options and support, which could take all manner of forms.

On another point, OP, from what you've written, I cannot help wondering whether he is naturally a stressy perfectionist type who is likely to strive a little too hard and find the stress in whatever he does. His focus and rapid rise up the ranks are admirable but do suggest this. The real alarm bell for me, from what you've written, is his dislike of being managed and accountable to anyone. That's not going to work well for him in many, perhaps any, field of work. It makes me wonder whether he is a stressy, perfectionist, hyper-defensive type, who internally catastrophises so disdains any criticism, even the constructive kind, so works far too hard at keeping his nose perfectly clean at all time and has no idea what to do when his image of himself as he wishes to be and reality, so other people's perceptions, clash. Just a guess. I've met some. Crash and burners and/or prickly nightmares to work with.

He should support you long enough to ensure you all enjoy at least some of the benefits of your hard work.

I'd also want to know what other opportunities he has considered.

Dropping to four days per week would see less of a drop in income but might take some pressure off.

Likewise giving up some of the paid responsibilities. Would he prefer "just" teaching his own classes and not having to worry about managing staff and whole school responsibilities?

As PP have said, has he explored his own health or has he decided that teaching is the cause? Maybe these feelings would occur in any well paid role.

At this stage in your lives, I'd want to know that he had explored every avenue.

Having said that, my DH took a 9k pay cut three years ago to join the police in his 30s and it's been great for us. It is hard going but the pay progression will get him back to where he was in a couple of years and he has a much better work life balance in the police than he ever did in his last role.

He is being very selfish. He has responsibilities. What will it do to your families mental health if he leaves and you are all scraping by? There are worse things than having a job you don't like, like having bo job and no money, with bills to pay and children to feed.
He sounds like a spoilt brat.

I don't think it's a matter of it being "fashionable" to say one is struggling mentally. I think the problem is the conflation of mental wellbeing with serious mental illness by using "mental health" interchangeably to refer to both (and then being surprised when we all struggle to understand one another). They are completely different things, how they are managed is completely different, and there is nothing wrong with saying that. Just like we wouldn't conflate neglecting your physical wellbeing with having cancer.

A lot of the variations in responses here seem to be because some posters are interpreting it as mental wellbeing and others as serious mental illness. One of many reasons why hiding behind vague terms like "mental health issues" because there's still too much discrimination and prejudice if you name what you're really talking about is so bloody unhelpful.

The op hasn't indicated this is a matter of mental illness rather than just mental wellbeing - maybe it is, maybe it isn't - but oh my the level of projection from posters wanting validation for their own experiences.

You aren’t being selfish OP, I understand where you are coming from.

I think you should have a proper conversation about this with him to understand what is driving this and brainstorm options. However he needs to come up with a solution that doesn’t significantly financially impact your household, recognising his responsibilities. Maybe you agree he leaves teaching at the end of this academic year, maybe that he’ll try the private sector etc but he needs a plan and it can’t just be that he might join the police or he might be a gasman. It’s not fair on you or your children.

I’m not sure I could support this if I’m honest. You’re a family unit, his happiness is t worth more than everyone else’s. You all have to make sacrifices, if he hated his job he shouldn’t have bought a house etc. This would be a major problem for me. Of course you don’t want him to be unhappy but you are going to need to make a plan on how your life won’t be upended.