To be annoyed about DH changing career?

[3ormoredogs]

I know I probably sound selfish here but I had to ask anyway.

DH is a teacher. He is quite high up band wise. While training I supported him and have done the bulk of the childcare and running of the household while he worked himself up and trained, went on multiple courses and stayed up late working etc.

My career suffered through being a parent but I still work almost full time and contribute £25k/year to the family pot as well as doing most of the drop offs and pick ups and usual child related activities! I am also mid qualification to try and increase my own income but I don’t work in a high paid sector so DH is the main earner.

DH obviously does the childcare during school holidays which saves us a small fortune and means he can spend time with the DC. He is also home early enough to help and the job is pretty stable so we don’t tend to worry as some people have had to during corona etc.

We have finally started to pull ourselves around financially. Not rich but can afford to buy the odd nice thing without worrying and go on camping holidays that type of thing. We have just got out of debt. We have also just bought a new house that requires a lot of work, top of our budget but a family home in a rural area with good schools which we were planning on doing up bit by bit.

DH has hated his job for a while, moved around a bit to different roles in different schools and has now declared he wants to leave teaching and retrain. Apparently he can’t cope with the job any more and it’s causing him to be miserable and lockdown has made him see just how miserable. He has also said he’s been having anxiety at work for a while and does not want to cope with that amount of stress and pressure for the next 30 years.

I feel bad that he hates his job but don’t know how I can pretend I’m not very annoyed when he is talking about a drop in income of at least £20k which would mean an end to being able to afford anything for the next 5 years. We do not have any luxuries we can cut back on and very much live comfortably but not enough to loose £1k per month or whatever it would be.

He said his mental health is more important than money and his family think I’m selfish for saying this is not something we can look into with small children having just bought a house and that he needs to stick it out a while longer.
Not only that but the lack of job security really worries me in these uncertain times, he hasn’t even decided what he wants to do yet! He said a trade of some description or maybe police force as he thinks as a teacher he would have a good chance of getting in? Plus the shift work and childcare issues it’s going to create.

So, am I a selfish person thinking about my own happiness or should I be supporting my husband and thinking we could make this work?

Anybody dropped massively in income who can tell me it would be okay in the end?

You’ve said it’s causing him mental health issues, surely if you felt the same you’d expect him to understand? Would be ok if he had a nervous breakdown and his health suffered more?

I took a 50% pay cut in order to pursue a different career (went from events to the charity sector). 2 years later a new and incredible opportunity opened up and I ended earning more than I'd been on pre career change. It was tough, but we survived.

My salary in my 20s was a six figure sum in a job I hated. In my 30s it dropped to a third of that in a job that bored me. In my 40s it’s dropped to about £10k a year in a job I love. I am so much happier now. There’s no point being miserable.

I think you can be quietly annoyed. However I think you have to support him, nobody should have to stay in a job that is creating mental health issues for them.

You want your DH to stay in a job he hates?

If he is not enjoying it then teaching is a tough gig. Once term starts then it is a relentless cycle of teach, assess, report, behaviour management, duties etc. Being a HoD of a big dept or SLT is a commitment and HTs will want blood in exchange for the money.

If he has TLRs can he give those up?

He can always come back into teaching if the new career does not work out

I understand why you are worried OP. And he needs to be realistic about his future earnings.

But having supported DH through leaving teaching. I promise you it’s better he leaves a year early than a second too late if his MH is struggling.

Why should he stay in a job that’s causing him so much anxiety and stress. Teaching is a horrendous career for stress and many teachers leave.

Perhaps look at improving your own career options?

I suspect most posters will disagree with you op but I don’t. Absolutely mental health come first but I understand your frustration. Sometimes you feel on that hamster wheel trying to get to a stable place. Then for the end to be insight and your husband to stick you all back on that wheel again is hard to come to terms with.

He is BVU to think that police will be any less stressful. On the other hand finding a trade could be beneficial so maybe it’s about finding something with real potential that won’t take years for him to train at.

Ultimately you all have a right to be happy so I think compromise and making a smart choice is the key to you both feeling satisfied here.

What is his plan if he leaves teaching?

You both need to sit down with a spreadsheet and work this out.

If you can't afford to live in your current home then you need to see this on paper.
He might be happy to stick with teaching for a few more years until you no longer need childcare in the hols for example.

I'm not against him leaving teaching, I'm an ex-teacher and I hated it and had to get out too - but I had a plan b which meant my income was not affected.

He needs to tackle this issue head-on. He has children and responsibilities.

Agree with the mental health issues but definitely not the police if he is finding teaching too stressful - police is so much worse for mh. Very poor promotion prospects, little autonomy plus the effect of shift work.

What sort of school is he in? Can he go back to classroom teacher/switch sectors/ do supply for a bit?

What is it that he finds stressful?

Would a new school be any better?

Could he change subjects/ schools/ do primary instead of secondary/ try a private school or maybe adult education?

Can he wait for you to finish your qualification? Both of you training is a bit of a luxury, I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to take it in turns. Also he needs a proper plan, not just to leave teaching, where he's going to go.

I had to quit a well-paid teaching job because it was causing me mental health problems. I took a £15k pay cut.

I stayed in education and now have a job I love. Is your husband good with tech? There are lots of learning designer/learning technologist jobs available right now.

No I definatley don’t want him to have a mental breakdown!

If it were me I think he would support me in a change but a change in career might mean I go from £25k to maybe £18-19k in most entry level jobs. Not from £50k-£20k. That would mean we have effectively lost all of our security and if anything happens we are screwed. We have no savings at all.

The drop in income is the difference between being able to afford to live comfortably or scrape by.
We don’t live extravagantly. We don’t go abroad or buy designer clothes or stuff like that but dropping so much money would massively impact the family finances to the point everything would have to change for the worse for everybody but DH

Police would be worse than teaching I expect.

You're not selfish, he should be a little more grown-up about it. Your career has suffered to support him and now he's not happy? Well, now it's his turn to support you, not to prioritise himself again. Once you've had your turn at working on your career he can change again if he wants to.

Sell the house. Downsize. You cannot afford a rural fixer upper any more. Keep the good area but swap for a cheaper place.

Ramp up your career too.

If he hasn't even chosen something to retrain into and doesn't look like he will be quitting to no job then you've got time to move house before the crunch hits.

Who is going to support you OP whilst your continually supporting him on his dreams and happiness quest?

Why do you have to be the every ones safety net? When do you get your turn flourish and enjoy life?

I don’t think your selfish at all in fact I’d be looking in to whether you can afford to live by yourself.

Teaching is a profession known for burnout. It’s unfair that he hasn’t discussed this before with you (from how I read your OP) but sometimes you don’t realise how bad something is until a change causes you to reflect. We gradually just accept the small increases in anxiety, not noticing a difference. I think it’s unreasonable to put money and childcare above his mental health.

However, I’m looking at retraining and I’m well aware that DH might retrain in the future as it’s not what he planned to do. I’m prepared that both of us will change careers at least once and the salary drop associated with that.

I'm in my late 40s and feel too old to change my career easily, so suggest he does it while he can. I'm not a teacher but I work in education in an often stressful role. Please don't force him to stay in a role that's making him ill. It gets worse the older you get.

Can you increase your hours/salary and swap positions so he does the school stuff on a lower income?
Also, don't assume any new job will be a lower income long term.

I was made redundant at 35 and our family of four lived on my husband's 27k salary and we were fine. Like you, we'd already got a mortgage.

We have two salaries now. My husband is still only three grand higher than 27k and also miserable! Like teaching, he works all hours and stressed, so if your husband does move you can't guarantee lower salary means lower stress. In short, find something he loves because 30 years is a long time and, ultimately, his stress will consume you all.

Good luck.

I think he's a bit crazy to choose now to leave a solid job like teaching. As pp have suggested, a new school/less responsibilities at work might help his MH short term.
BTW being skint isn't good for MH either!

I get why you’re annoyed about the drop in income but I know some very close to me that was a teacher and had a breakdown. It’s a very real possibility if he’s having mental health issues. That affected the whole household more than a change of career.

Apparently he can’t cope with the job any more and it’s causing him to be miserable and lockdown has made him see just how miserable. He has also said he’s been having anxiety at work for a while and does not want to cope with that amount of stress and pressure for the next 30 years.

That would be all I’d need to hear to support my husband. Mine is a teacher too and we actually had this sort of conversation two years ago where he was in a very bad place mentally. Luckily, changing school was enough to change things but it looks like yours has tried that and it hasn’t worked.

He said his mental health is more important than money and his family think I’m selfish for saying this is not something we can look into with small children having just bought a house and that he needs to stick it out a while longer.

Do you think he is talking about leaving lightly? Do you think he hasn’t bothered to think about the implications for your family financially? I would guess that he’s deeply unhappy and if my partner told me to just stick it out, I’d be feeling utterly desperate in terms of how I would manage that mentally and seriously questioning whether I wanted to stay in my marriage.