To be annoyed about DH changing career?

[3ormoredogs]

I know I probably sound selfish here but I had to ask anyway.

DH is a teacher. He is quite high up band wise. While training I supported him and have done the bulk of the childcare and running of the household while he worked himself up and trained, went on multiple courses and stayed up late working etc.

My career suffered through being a parent but I still work almost full time and contribute £25k/year to the family pot as well as doing most of the drop offs and pick ups and usual child related activities! I am also mid qualification to try and increase my own income but I don’t work in a high paid sector so DH is the main earner.

DH obviously does the childcare during school holidays which saves us a small fortune and means he can spend time with the DC. He is also home early enough to help and the job is pretty stable so we don’t tend to worry as some people have had to during corona etc.

We have finally started to pull ourselves around financially. Not rich but can afford to buy the odd nice thing without worrying and go on camping holidays that type of thing. We have just got out of debt. We have also just bought a new house that requires a lot of work, top of our budget but a family home in a rural area with good schools which we were planning on doing up bit by bit.

DH has hated his job for a while, moved around a bit to different roles in different schools and has now declared he wants to leave teaching and retrain. Apparently he can’t cope with the job any more and it’s causing him to be miserable and lockdown has made him see just how miserable. He has also said he’s been having anxiety at work for a while and does not want to cope with that amount of stress and pressure for the next 30 years.

I feel bad that he hates his job but don’t know how I can pretend I’m not very annoyed when he is talking about a drop in income of at least £20k which would mean an end to being able to afford anything for the next 5 years. We do not have any luxuries we can cut back on and very much live comfortably but not enough to loose £1k per month or whatever it would be.

He said his mental health is more important than money and his family think I’m selfish for saying this is not something we can look into with small children having just bought a house and that he needs to stick it out a while longer.
Not only that but the lack of job security really worries me in these uncertain times, he hasn’t even decided what he wants to do yet! He said a trade of some description or maybe police force as he thinks as a teacher he would have a good chance of getting in? Plus the shift work and childcare issues it’s going to create.

So, am I a selfish person thinking about my own happiness or should I be supporting my husband and thinking we could make this work?

Anybody dropped massively in income who can tell me it would be okay in the end?

Just here to say I drop masses amount of income (15/20k a year) and we are okay that was two years ago and we’ve just balanced out and can now afford nice things again. I’ve not had a pay rise we’ve just adjusted. It was okay difficult at times BUT I changed to teach and the fact we have minimal stress about childcare was the only reason we have levelled out cost wise (and sanity wise). My old job I truly hated - cried too work, on my lunch, way back home. I hated it.

Former SN TA, I wouldn’t teach, whatever the salary. Completely understand where he’s coming from.

You're not selfish, he should be a little more grown-up about it. Your career has suffered to support him and now he's not happy? Well, now it's his turn to support you, not to prioritise himself again. Once you've had your turn at working on your career he can change again if he wants to.

This is spot on, you've suffered so he can grow career wise, and now he wants to just walk away. He can get help for his anxieties, without dropping everything, right now, he can look at options surely ?

Waking up dreading each week is no way to live is a large house and income worth the personal anguish he’s feeling you’re a team and he needs support atm

What is your plan if he cracks up and can’t function?
Or if he decides that his mental health means he has to leave you if he is to survive?

Could he apply to drop a day or two, citing childcare issues? They would have to at least consider the request...Perhaps he could then use the time gained to retrain and you’d still have an element of financial security.

I think being off for months hasn’t helped. Realising how consumed by it he has been for the past 10 years and knowing he has to go back to it all after a long period of time off.
He said his colleagues are looking forward to going back but he feels dread.

I agree that he does need to think about what he wants to do but we need a proper plan not just throw away a whole career without any idea of what next. His ideas have ranged from electrician to police and everything inbetween.

He has had no counselling or anything like that and can’t speak to anyone at work about it.

I would happily apply for a higher paid role but realistically for someone with no qualifications in anything but the field I’m currently in with no transferable skills where are these jobs I can walk into on more than £25k? I’m not sure it’s that easy to just say increase my income. Also how do I fit a second job around family life when I already work full time in shift work? Sometimes I don’t finish until 9pm at night and it’s never consistent so i can’t get a night job or something like that. Plus me working 60-70hours a week to keep us floating while he retrains or finds a new job can’t be good for my mental health either.

You're not selfish. He has family and responsibilities, and he doesn't even know what he wants to do! If I was so stressed I felt I had to quit, I would make a plan first, starting from what I want to retrain as, and how to do that, and how to manage in the mean time.

It sounds like he has just declared that he will quit, and the rest is for you to figure out?

@PurpleDaisies

I also wonder if you hadn’t mentioned it was teaching if you would have had responses saying it was fine and you should support him.

That’s because those of us in teaching have seen many colleagues struggle with mental health problems and know how serious it can be.

Yep it is not good finding a colleague crying in their car saying that cant go into form.

Teaching has a high turnover - retention is a real issue. It is only in recent years that schools have been trying to have Staff well being weeks. The problem is that some Heads take the approach of let's go for great and is we lose a few on the way it doesn't matter as we can get cheap NQTs to pick up the slack.

No you’re not selfish.
I think that he needs to think about how you are both going to manage the childcare that he used to do, and how you are going to manage on that lower wage.
Has he seen his GP and considered antidepressants or CBT/counselling before he just leaves ? Some workplaces have help available.

When does the OP get to be in the driving seat for jobs/careers related decisions? Or is she just there to perpetually support whatever the consequences of her DH's feelings and decisions about his job?

OP, if I was you I'd be earning my own money to be able to afford the treats/luxuries that you enjoy - you can't expect to enjoy them if you can't pay for them yourself. Your husband can then take the turn of being in the support role - and you'll have the comfort of knowing that if it all gets too stressful you can take a turn of choosing a new career at your own leisure.

I have to say I’d be really pissed off that he decided this after moving house. How much money will you have wasted if you now have to sell up.
I’d also be pissed off that he couldn’t stay in his job until you finished your qualification.

Not saying that he’s unreasonable, just saying you shouldn’t have to feel bad that his timing is ridiculously shit. It’s like the rug being pulled from under your feet. You are allowed to be upset.

He definitely doesn’t sound like he could cope with the police either. I mean, a lot of jobs you have to ‘perform’.

I really don’t think he’s going to find his mental health is greatly improved when he’s unable to make ends meet, forced to uproot his family from the home he loves and potentially face years of hardship, with a decision his wife doesn’t support. Sounds like your marriage might also struggle, if you spend years being unhappy and connect this to his decision.

His is NBU to want to move to something less high stress. He is being totally unreasonable to think he can just quit without a plan and let the family suffer for it. Is there any way he can reduce hours or responsibilities, either to a level he can cope with, or to a point where he can retrain on the side? As he has years in education, he could consider something less hands-on but that utilises his expertise—there’s a good chance he won’t like being on the bottom rung, regardless of profession.

I definitely don’t want to teacher bash, but it’s a bit ridiculous that he seems to think he has literally the most stressful job in the world. He thinks police is a walk in the park?!? Or a self-employed tradesman who gets hit hard every recession?!? While the job itself might be stressful, it is also pretty stable. Nevertheless, the current situation is harming his mental health—you need to recognise that and think seriously of ways to deal with that.

What about you working more hours, and him cutting his? What if he moved to a less senior role with less hours, did a bit of tutoring on the side and you looked to raise your income?

It’s also a lot of pressure on him as primary earner—what can you do to maximise your earning potential? He would be justified to point out that his job is making him ill, while you are not bringing in equal amounts.

Sounds like you're in a really tough position OP. It's hard not to feel resentful when you've made sacrifices yourself/not had the same level of support for your career. I think if this is a totally new situation to you, I would encourage him to sit down and talk through what he's thinking. Does he want to leave now or in x amount of time and what then? As for your inlaws, what support can they offer to you both practically/financially if they think that you're being selfish? A pp mentioned sick leave, that could be an option to buy him a bit of time. Really hope that you can both navigate through this together and figure out a way forward for your family.

If I was so stressed I felt I had to quit, I would make a plan first, starting from what I want to retrain as, and how to do that, and how to manage in the mean time.

That’s very easy to say when you’re not in that situation. I was crying every day and thinking about how I could hurt myself enough to not go to work but not in such a way that people would realise I’d done it myself. Luckily my husband is wonderful and supported me in getting out as quickly as possible.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, BTW. Teaching is incredibly stressful and time consuming, even when you are 100% committed, but to consider moving to shift work when you have a young family is very selfish. I’ve been a teacher for 25 years and really struggled with my mental health when D.C. was small. I came very close to having a breakdown, but stuck it out, for financial reasons and am now glad that I did. In addition, spending the holidays with D.C. is something I wouldn’t swap for the world.

Can he not attend counselling or therapy to understand why he feels dread and anxiety? Is he absolutely sure that it's teaching that's causing anxiety? It might be that there is some other underlying issue because of which he is not able to deal with stress at work. Otherwise even if he changes his career, he will soon find himself anxious again. Realistically there is no career that pays you a salary and doesn't have stress.

So he has just bought a house he isn’t going to be able pay for? Is he expecting you to up your income or are you going to sell the house?

Tbh I’d be really pissed off if I was you.

I understand why the Op is worried.
Op probably feels that they were now on an even keel and things were improving. Now, they are back to square one.
What about the Op’s mental health?
I think the Op would be more supportive of her dh had a sensible plan in place..
For example, he could do some supply teaching , teach in FE colleges, do a bit of private tuition. If he wants to learn a trade, he can do this on the side.

I really feel for you and think he’s being selfish. Lots of jobs are really stressful but when you have chosen to move to a more expensive home, and have kids, you need to get on with it or, at the very least, have a realistic plan. What about your mental health? Lack of childcare and money worries will impact on your mental health and his, not to mention the impact on the children. The grass is seldom greener. He needs to think of the wider picture.

If he’s senior enough to be earning £50k a year he might be able to look at a role within a local authority. Something around improvement/change/strategic planning. It’s not enough for him to quit without a plan in place.

Is he talking about quitting in a few weeks? Quitting at the end of this term? Quitting at the end of the academic year?

Could you say to him: ok, I didn't realise things were this bad and I will absolutely support you to leave but we need to work out the implications and have a plan and you need to work to the end of the academic year/term/whatever is acceptable to him and have a plan in place before you give notice?

I think the poster who said poverty and debt also negatively impact on your mental health is spot on. DH retrained away from a stressful job with a huge salary drop but it was before we had any joint financial obligations and he purposefully went into a field that had a link back to his old job instead of the 'dream' variant of it because he knew it would make him more employable, which it has.

I was recommended a book called something like 'How to get a job you love' by John somebody and I found it really helpful a number of years ago: it has exercises to help you identify what bits of your current role you like, don't like, what you're good at, what your'e interested in. Could you buy him something like that as a present and say, lets come up with a realistic plan together, and lets also put things in place to reduce the stress.

If he is on the verge of a breakdown then he should be signed off sick. If he has just had a realisation he wants to do something else as he isn't happy, then he needs to accept most people with families don't get to walk out and have time out while they think about what that is. As other people have said something linked to his current expertise is the most likely way he could keep salary level high. Some form of careers advice may help, but the main thing is to agree a plan together.

You’re not being unreasonable at all. It’s not all about him, what about his family? I think I’d say I’d support him if he retrains for something on the same salary, but less. We Lenny of professions out there that he might enjoy that pay 50K.
I also think he’s and to leave a stable profession when thousands more people are yet to lose their jobs.
And you’re right to point out to him that this is also about your mental health

He needs a period of therapy and to reflect on the consequences for his family. If he still wants to leave he needs a plan.

What are his options:

On the bins
Train driver
Down the sewers
Learn a trade: plumbing, decorating, sparky having to follow customer's orders?
LA admin dealing with the public with no authority and meet in SLA's
A much poorer pension and statutory holiday.

I think he needs a reality check tbh.

how do I fit a second job around family life when I already work full time in shift work?

Hang on, hang on, OP - supporting DH in looking at other career options doesn't mean you have to single-handedly solve all the family's problems or completely carry him!

If that's what he's expecting you to do, then he is BU. But it's difficult to tell whether this is just your relationship dynamic anyway, whether you're panicking about the prospect of being the only breadwinner for a while or whether he's directly putting this pressure on you and expecting you to pick up all the slack.

DH changing career doesn't mean he gets to opt out of being an adult with a family to support - it might be that his contribution changes but if he's expecting to take himself out of the equation completely then clearly that's not on.