To be annoyed about DH changing career?

[3ormoredogs]

I know I probably sound selfish here but I had to ask anyway.

DH is a teacher. He is quite high up band wise. While training I supported him and have done the bulk of the childcare and running of the household while he worked himself up and trained, went on multiple courses and stayed up late working etc.

My career suffered through being a parent but I still work almost full time and contribute £25k/year to the family pot as well as doing most of the drop offs and pick ups and usual child related activities! I am also mid qualification to try and increase my own income but I don’t work in a high paid sector so DH is the main earner.

DH obviously does the childcare during school holidays which saves us a small fortune and means he can spend time with the DC. He is also home early enough to help and the job is pretty stable so we don’t tend to worry as some people have had to during corona etc.

We have finally started to pull ourselves around financially. Not rich but can afford to buy the odd nice thing without worrying and go on camping holidays that type of thing. We have just got out of debt. We have also just bought a new house that requires a lot of work, top of our budget but a family home in a rural area with good schools which we were planning on doing up bit by bit.

DH has hated his job for a while, moved around a bit to different roles in different schools and has now declared he wants to leave teaching and retrain. Apparently he can’t cope with the job any more and it’s causing him to be miserable and lockdown has made him see just how miserable. He has also said he’s been having anxiety at work for a while and does not want to cope with that amount of stress and pressure for the next 30 years.

I feel bad that he hates his job but don’t know how I can pretend I’m not very annoyed when he is talking about a drop in income of at least £20k which would mean an end to being able to afford anything for the next 5 years. We do not have any luxuries we can cut back on and very much live comfortably but not enough to loose £1k per month or whatever it would be.

He said his mental health is more important than money and his family think I’m selfish for saying this is not something we can look into with small children having just bought a house and that he needs to stick it out a while longer.
Not only that but the lack of job security really worries me in these uncertain times, he hasn’t even decided what he wants to do yet! He said a trade of some description or maybe police force as he thinks as a teacher he would have a good chance of getting in? Plus the shift work and childcare issues it’s going to create.

So, am I a selfish person thinking about my own happiness or should I be supporting my husband and thinking we could make this work?

Anybody dropped massively in income who can tell me it would be okay in the end?

If hes on 50 k then he must be quite high up and have a lot of responsibility
I think supporting him is the way to go but by both sotting down and realistically also deciding what you can afford and what may have to give , even that you nay have to downsize
Also appreciating that its tough out there at the moment , but if he became ill through mh and had to suddenly leave etc that would be worse than a planned leave bit i can understand why you feel frustrated as well

@Florencex

I think you can be quietly annoyed. However I think you have to support him, nobody should have to stay in a job that is creating mental health issues for them.

I absolutely agree with this. I think, until you’ve been in a job that causes you anxiety and is affecting your mental health, you don’t know what it’s like.

I used to come home from work and cry. When I started planning my journey home to get the intercity (rather than the local train) so I could go to the bar (15 min journey!) I knew I had to get a new job. I was very fortunate to move to a different sector but relevant to my academic and professional skills and experience. I took a 25% pay cut. That was 16 years ago. Never looked back. No more crying, no more knocking back a g&t on the way home.

5 years retraining is a small fraction of the remainder of your DH’s working life.

I can tell you now, if he joins the police your marriage will end! It has been the kiss of death for 3 of my good friends relationships!!!

I'm sure his stress will be relieved by being skint, struggling to pay the bills and also having to now cover the holidays childcare wise. Something like the police will more than likely involve shift work, is that something he has considered from a family perspective? We are also about to enter a recession, is he going to leave without a job lined up? I agree he shouldn't stay in a job he hates and should be supported in changing careers; but there also needs to be an element of the reality of such a drop in income and the wider implications of his decision.

Perhaps before making any final decisions your dh should go on some counselling and stress management courses to see if this helps.
No point taking a salary drop if he will just find his new job stressful.

Oh, and no shift work or working away! It has to work around your job too!

And if he thinks the police is less stressful he's smoking something. There are a lot of sales jobs for ex teachers selling to schools. That could work well.

www.schoolscapesuk.com/jobs-for-teachers/

www.superprof.co.uk/blog/jobs-for-teachers-leaving-teaching/

Neither of these mention the police. I would also steer him away from franchises or 'start your own business/self employed opportunities'. He's unlikely to havd the right outlook or business skills .

@StillCoughingandLaughing

My concern would be the fact that he’s not saying ‘I want to give up teaching to do my dream job’ - he’s saying ‘I don’t enjoy teaching anymore; maybe I could join the police or learn a trade?’ It’s all a bit pie in the sky. He’s asking his family to take a big income hit so he can do some other undefined job that he might not even be able to get into. What’s the plan while he trains? Does he have a back-up?

This!

If I were you, I'd feel a lot more supportive if he had an actual plan.

Presumably if he earns that much he will have transferable skills.

What subject does he teach? Is there something related he could do?

What has he done to improve his skills with managing stress and anxiety? Anything?

Because if he hasn't improved his skills he will have the same problems elsewhere.

I’ve tried to keep it to myself but I am really really worried

As pp have said, your mental health is important too! It all sounds quite sudden and it's not surprising it's thrown you for a loop!

Have you got friends/ family you can vent to? (Or continue to do it here!)

I think it's important you share with him how this is making you feel. You say 'annoyed' your title but actually you sound scared- legitimately- of what the future holds.

Also worth talking to him about how long he thinks he can continue or what back up plans could be put in place. Would he be able to get through the next year/5 years knowing that it won't be forever? Could he look up supply agencies and find out how much work is out there and what they pay, look into other career options in more depth to get a sense of what the alternatives are. Basically give yourselves both the reassurance of some information.

And any job earning £50k will be stressful, just in different ways

When you hate your job it’s a horrible feeling. So I do feel sympathy for him.

However If he’s looking for less stress then the police is not the Career to choose.
The impact of witnessing truly horrific things , road traffic deaths, suicides amongst other things can be really impactive on MH, PTSD is very common amongst officers.

He enjoyed the job previously but now hates it
I supported both of us financially while he trained.

OP, I can see why you're feeling frustrated, but I think you're caught up in a sunk costs fallacy here - yes, you supported both of you while he trained and the plan was that this would pay off in the future once he was qualified and working as a teacher.

But I think you need to let go of the past and focus on the present. He made a decision to embark on a teaching career. Like many people, he has realised it's not for him and is far more stressful than expected.

So if he's explored all the options (different schools/colleges, private schools, etc) and definitely wants out, it really is irrelevant who paid for what in the past as he's not on that path any more and it would obviously be unreasonable to force him to continue in a career that he says is damaging his health against his will.

I've been there and it's hard to make the decision to change career when you've come so far and put so much work in. But if that's what's happening, you need to focus on the present and the future, not the plans and deeds of the past.

YANBU to be annoyed. I also wonder if you hadn’t mentioned it was teaching if you would have had responses saying it was fine and you should support him.

He has responsibilities. You can’t simply stop paying your bills and mortgage.

I also am bemused he thinks the police will be less stressful or even a trade. Try asking self employed plumbers and electricians at the moment if there job (or trying to ensure and income stream) is stress free! Even in normal times being your own boss is incredibly stressful (no sick pay if you are unwell etc), always looking for the next jobs

If he does not feel he continue in his job then ok, but he needs to come up with a realistic plan of what he’s going to do and also how this will work financially. Also who will look after the kids etc.

He said his mental health is more important than money

You need to take this seriously. As a teacher myself I’ve seen so many colleagues Crash and burn and have never been the same since.

Both sides are not wrong but its not all about him and his mental health. Instead of throwing the towel in and potentially making his family lose their home during a recession when he has zero idea in what he actually wants to do, why does he not get himself signed off with stress for a while, take stress management courses and look into other areas of teaching or school/college related work or even adult teaching which is much less stressful. It seems selfish to put someone through putting their own career on hold and jeopardising his familys home and income completely out of the blue when theres steps can be taken before he gets to mental breakdown stage.

Is he doing anything proactive to find another job, or build some skills, even get some qualifications to change jobs?

If he's unhappy and this is causing MH issues you need to support him, as long as he comes up with a plan and finds sth else before quitting. Can he do a less responsible role in teaching for a while, while he decides what to do? I think you need to sit down together and make a plan for the future, which could include you applying for higher paid roles to take the financial pressure off him and him doing more round the house and having a less senior job. And consider downsizing. It's doable if you work together.

If he does not feel he continue in his job then ok, but he needs to come up with a realistic plan of what he’s going to do and also how this will work financially. Also who will look after the kids etc.

100% this. If he wants to leave thats ok but he needs a plan of action before jumping from the pan into the fire. The police is ridiculous and im sure learning a trade takes a while and is very stressful being self employed so he really needs to think of a plan before losing his family a huge income.

@3ormoredogs

He is no good with tech. His subject is a written one he isn’t really interested in.

He said he hates the pressure, being judged, being assessed and being threatened with support plans for work he can’t keep up with. He said the management constantly say they can get rid of anyone not keeping up and this has been the case in every school he’s worked in. He’s already dropped his TLR. He said he hates the politics and being unable to switch off when he comes home. All of this i really do understand and I can see how stressed he is but I also see that loads of jobs are stressful.

I can increase my career prospects but not to the extent of earning large amounts and also having time for DC and everything else. I work in a small sector where career oppertunities aren’t easy to come bye so I’ve stayed in this job as it’s secure and flexible for childcare. I’m also higher up the list so less likely to be made redundant if this recession was to get worse.

It really does sound as though he needs to get out. He has burnt out and sounds like he needs to go to the doctors. It sounds as though the constant cycle of lesson observations and OFSTED talk will have done this - many schools are like this. For example, our focus on INSET is good to great, I think not this again but others will really fret about it.

Why doesn't he approach this academic year as his last one? He can then focus on getting a new role

It sounds a bit like you think he owes you for supporting him and for the early years childcare and that’s adding to your resentment.

You need to let this go. He has clearly worked in teaching for a while to get to the upper band and he provides the childcare more than most who work full time are able to. I say that from a family with both working full time. DD doesn’t get much time with us in the week at all.

You need to look at the actual picture and not add to it. This will help both of you figure out the right path.

I am with you on this OP. He made a decision, you sacrificed your own career and earning potential to support him and ensure his success and now he's decided it's not for him and wants to throw in the towel, totally selfish. Why should you and the DC's have to go without? We all have to do things we don't like.
If he wants to retrain he can wait until his commitments are such that he won't affect other people's lives so much or retrain around his current job and family commitments.
When did it become acceptable to pack in your job when you have children and a mortgage?
Perhaps he could get a position with less responsibility and a slight pay drop.

I also wonder if you hadn’t mentioned it was teaching if you would have had responses saying it was fine and you should support him.

That’s because those of us in teaching have seen many colleagues struggle with mental health problems and know how serious it can be.

I'd feel frustrated in his shoes too. And I'm in the quit-teaching crew. I did it before we had an expensive house or kids though. I'd have a chat with him. Aim for Easter quit date, having hopefully sold the house by then and he will have time to put a solid plan in place. Totally feel frustrated but vent that here or to trusted friends.
Let him.talln through the police option and work out it is a crap one himself - if you say it he'll probably argue and become more attached to the idea!

The teaching agency have jobs for ex teachers and constantly recruit they are based in Bristol and pay well - it’s part of the scheme to get people into teaching and there are so many routes in now That applicants need support and encouragement to find what’s best , would that work? Might have the name wrong but know ex heads and deputy heads that work there and very happy and no teaching !