Would people judge me on this/think badly of me?

[Butterflywing31]

Myself and my DP are in the process of separating. We never got married, but have an almost 3 year old together.
We’ve made the decision that DS will stay with his dad, they have a very strong bond and it was my decision to split, although it was a joint one overall.
He is a very hands on dad and always has been. He teaches in a secondary school, so he’ll always be around in the school holidays too. And weekends/evenings.
I’m hoping to have my DS to stay with me every weekend at least one of the days, maybe both and then to stay a week or more in the school holidays too, depending on how things go. I’ll go round there often, as we are splitting up amicably and I want to see him as often as possible. I’ll be there for all school meetings and have him overnight whenever he wants to/whenever my then ex DP maybe needs to be somewhere late etc. I’m also wanting to do school pick ups when he starts if it works out with my hours.

I’m worried that people are going to judge our decision, friends and family and anyone else really...any professionals we come into contact with.
Has anyone else been in this situation? I’ve told my parents we are separating, but not that he’s going to mostly live with his dad, I will do, but I feel that at the moment, they assume he’ll be staying with me, my friends probably think the same.

Thank you in advance.

It sounds okay to me

@Butterflywing31 - its some years ago but when my DH & I separated our 3 children were offered some family counselling & our younger 2 kids wanted to return to live with their Dad. It was heart wrenching for me but they were happy & in the end the best decision made was one in which they were happy.

I received some very nasty & unnecessary comments from many people, some of whom I had considered friends before that time.
Those comments really hurt me & I felt deeply that I must be hurting my kids - but in the end they were well looked after & loved - by their other parent, I got on & followed a study journey that I couldnt have done otherwise.
We co-parented OK (it had its moments though :) ) & eventually we reconciled & are still together 23 years later.
But I'll never forget how unkind some people were to me, that I obviously wasnt a good enough mother for me to leave them behind.
Like I said though their wellbeing were at the top of my list - if I had any doubts we would have muddled on together somehow.

All the best with your decision - but make the one that feels right for you & your DS

Yes, people will judge you. However, they will judge you no matter what parenting choice you make. The most important judge is your child, choose whatever is best for them. The rest doesn't matter.

Of course people will judge you. People judge other people on everything but really it’s none of their business. I would do whatever you think is best for your child and tell other people as little as possible.

Sorry to derail slightly, but there have been a lot of posters who have said they think 50:50 is bad for the DC. I’m interested as STBXH and I are looking at this for our DC but week on week off. This would mean DC wouldn’t be shuttled about every few days but would obviously mean me not seeing them for two weeks out of four.

It’s not my preference as I will miss them terribly but they love their dad and have a happy home with him and his GF.

Is that such a terrible thing? Should I be revisiting this decision?

Also to OP, no judgement here - I think you’re brave.

There nothing wrong with 50/50 at all. It's the most stable and balanced option a child can have where two caring parents are involved.

The children know where they are staying each week, they have largely the same routine at both houses. It's easier for you to maintain the same discipline rules etc on school nights and weekends. It's easier to co-parent effectively.

No-one gets to be the Disney parent.

And as an adult it's easier for you to eventually consider new relationships. You have regular time for hobbies and interests outside of the kids. Build new friendships and support networks.

The children I have seen live like this are very well adjusted, and have great relationships with both parents.

You both need to live near school etc so that each week the norm is maintained.

@YoBeaches thank you very much - that’s so reassuring and yes we both live near the school

Sounds like you have accepted what your partner wants as you feel guilty for wanting to separate and think that giving him what he wants will make it amicable?? If you want 50/50 then say so and insist on it. People will judge you for giving up your son yes.

I don't think 50:50 is always bad but I definitely know a few friends who absolutely hated it growing up. They just wanted a permanent base to keep all their things and return to at the end of the day. Not suggesting this is always the case though.

Nothing to do with anyone else, but don't call it 50/50, just tell people you are co-parenting. Lots do it and other people wont know the ins and outs of exact percentage with each parent.

Can you get some therapy online for the moment since your usual treatment has stopped, and discuss all of this with the therapist? It will help you find out what is really best, what you really want, not what your depression wants or what your ex wants. It will also help give you the strength to ask for and get this even when its hard. You don't have to make a decision like this right now. You can choose to have your son a bit more each time - and know that many parents have really struggled, it is normal for it to be so hard. Some parents are lucky and get it easy - but many don't. And it won't always be like this. I honestly think prioritise getting some online therapy to fully talk all of this through and be honest about all of your thoughts, fears and what your ex is saying/has said. All the very best

I can’t advise, just sending you some love and sympathy. You’re trying to do your best for DS. Don’t blame yourself for having PND.

I also don’t think 50/50 is bad, but basically kids need two of everything, and not be in a situation where they are shuttling their stuff between two houses every few days or missing half their stuff half the time. So for it to work, both homes need to be fully set up as the child’s home, clothes, shoes, toys, gadgets, toiletries etc .

It can’t be one is set up as a home and all the stuff kept there and the other it’s pack a small suit case to go to. That’s a ball ache most people would wish to avoid. Living out a suitcase half the time.

If it’s home from home it works, if it’s home to something akin to hotel accommodation then it doesn’t.

My friends separated for a time when their wee boy was three. They did 50/50 for the first few months and it was hugely damaging (mum stayed in the family home and dad went to his parents). The poor wee thing didn’t know whether he was coming or going. They are now back together. He is now seven and still gets anxious before going to his grandparents house. It was terrible.

They handled it badly though.

My dad brought up myself and my brother, our mum left when we were 5. She left, because she was very unhappy, and my dad had stated that he wasn't going to leave his children. It was very unusual in the day (1960's), but we all got around it, and saw our mum every two weeks. Do the right thing by yourself and your son. x

For what it’s worth, when my parents split me and my brother lived with our Dad. It was the right thing for us and our family, and we were all happy. My Mum was a good Mum and didn’t have any “issues”, she just felt like being a Mum 24/7 had meant too many sacrifices.

[quote Butterflywing31]@Nomorepies I don’t know, I’m just not a natural at it, his dad however is.
I have to get away from him when he screams and cries as it makes me panic, always has done. Before lockdown I was being investigated for autism/being on the spectrum.
I think I may find it easier as he gets older as he can’t communicate properly at the moment and I usually don’t know what he’s wanting then he has a full on tantrum.
I think I still have PND, apparently you can have it for years.[/quote]
Reading about your MH, needing to get away from your dc when he screams and the panic attacks makes me think that your dc probably would be better off staying with his dd as resident parent at the moment!

I does concern me that you have said that you would like to move closer to your family, but then that you can’t, but have brought it up again, then again. Also you talk about having your dc only at weekends, then saying you will go 50:50. You seem to be all over the place (and I do not mean this in any way nastily) about what you actually want! I really think you need some space to think about things, going forward.

Yes, it may be that he is better staying with his dd at the moment, but that may not always be the case. Be kind to yourself, irrespective of what others think or judge you on. Their feelings don’t matter. You are not a bad mother, rather you are one who is putting her ds first!

One night a week and one day at the weekend is nothing and if a guy was here saying he wanted that, he'd get an absolute flaming, MH issues or no MH issues. Who says OP's ex is even happy having next to no free time while OP gets loads?

People will judge you but that’s not important. What’s important is that you are very clear about why you have made the decision you have made.

My mum left and we lived with my dad, seeing my mum at weekends. It was hugely damaging and has caused long term impact on our relationship with our mum who simply wasn’t around enough to play a properly active part in our day to day lives.

My dad was amazing, there’s no issue there at all. I just think you need to be aware that as good a father as your ex is, mothers are seen as the main caregiver and your son may well be able to have the relationship you might want with him. I think you need to have a serious think about moving 200 miles away from him. It’s not a good idea. I would say the same about a dad in this.

I am not a fan of 50:50 but of its proper 50:50 then it’s better than your proposal

@borntohula

One night a week and one day at the weekend is nothing and if a guy was here saying he wanted that, he'd get an absolute flaming, MH issues or no MH issues. Who says OP's ex is even happy having next to no free time while OP gets loads?

Yes much better op takes on now then she can manage ATM and ends up shouting at or getting hysterical in front at a child who's already trying to adjust to a new dynamic . Forget getting yourself mentally well enough to increase access op, all that matters is you do what appears to be the motherly thing

I share care 50/50 and people judge me, say silly things like you should have them as your mum etc but it's what's best for the kids that matters. If it's what you think will be best for your son then do it and don't worry about what others think.

People will judge you for anything re: parenting! So do what you need to do.

The bar for fathers is very low, the bar for mothers very high. My old boss raised his 2 on his own for a while as their mum was having 'personal issues' (drug addict), and said he was really shocked at all the kudos he got for 'stepping up' - as he said, they are my f*ing kids!

@mathanxiety

thebeachismyhappyplace2 Mon 31-Aug-20 19:56:28

I’m not judging you but something doesn’t sound right here. I hope you haven’t been manipulated or gas lighted. You sound vulnerable and I wouldn’t want you to regret anything later on in life. Before you make any big decision like this, I would personally get some counselling

YYY to every word of this.

It strikes me very forcibly that either your own catastrophising (due to depression and anxiety) has led you to the conclusion you have reached, or you have been unduly influenced to make this decision.

Agree the OP sounds like she is struggling, and could do with some counselling, but you're kind of insinuating here that there's no way a mother could feel like this unless she was being gaslit. That's not very nice.

If a dad was moving out would you think he was being gaslit into thinking he was a shit father? probably now.

YANBU as in I would judge you and assume you are not capable of being a mum

I left my son when he was a year old. I had been told on a regular basis, by his father and my mother-in-law that I was an incompetent mother. I had a family history of being told by my father that I was "useless" and being physically attacked by my much older sister. My mother didn't support me during this time.
I left because I thought he would be better off without me. Of course, he wasn't and it was many years before we managed to get the relationship back on some sort of track.
We're quite close now, but it will never be closer, because so many mixed emotions are not resolved.