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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would people judge me on this/think badly of me?

252 replies

Butterflywing31 · 31/08/2020 16:22

Myself and my DP are in the process of separating. We never got married, but have an almost 3 year old together.
We’ve made the decision that DS will stay with his dad, they have a very strong bond and it was my decision to split, although it was a joint one overall.
He is a very hands on dad and always has been. He teaches in a secondary school, so he’ll always be around in the school holidays too. And weekends/evenings.
I’m hoping to have my DS to stay with me every weekend at least one of the days, maybe both and then to stay a week or more in the school holidays too, depending on how things go. I’ll go round there often, as we are splitting up amicably and I want to see him as often as possible. I’ll be there for all school meetings and have him overnight whenever he wants to/whenever my then ex DP maybe needs to be somewhere late etc. I’m also wanting to do school pick ups when he starts if it works out with my hours.

I’m worried that people are going to judge our decision, friends and family and anyone else really...any professionals we come into contact with.
Has anyone else been in this situation? I’ve told my parents we are separating, but not that he’s going to mostly live with his dad, I will do, but I feel that at the moment, they assume he’ll be staying with me, my friends probably think the same.

Thank you in advance.

OP posts:
thebeachismyhappyplace2 · 31/08/2020 19:56

I’m not judging you but something doesn’t sound right here. I hope you haven’t been manipulated or gas lighted. You sound vulnerable and I wouldn’t want you to regret anything later on in life. Before you make any big decision like this, I would personally get some counselling

Seriously79 · 31/08/2020 22:38

Hello OP - your original post made it sound like you were giving your child up and waking away, if that's the case then yes you probably would face some judgement - but on the other hand - don't men do this all the time?

Walking away from my kids is something that I could never do, but as I'm trying to teach my oldest - nobody know what goes on behind closed doors.

If your happy, and your child is happy and well adjusted then it's no one else's concern. Good luck x

gah2teenagers · 31/08/2020 23:13

Very brave of you to admit this and face it and get help. Hope you can build a better life and relationship with him going forward. Good luck

Fruitbatdancer · 31/08/2020 23:57

Yes I’m afraid id judge, as a mother i just don’t get it.? We all have issues to contend with, give your head a shake, this is your son. You don’t get to dip in and out of motherhood.

notangelinajolie · 01/09/2020 00:07

OP why do you think your son would be better off not with you?

SeasideMaiden · 01/09/2020 00:12

OP, you don't need to explain yourself to anyone. I was extremely ill and my eldest (she was an only child at that point) moved in with her dad full time. So I've been judged. She moved back in a few years later when I was much better and receiving treatment for my medical condition.

borntohula · 01/09/2020 00:29

Is it that you don't think your DS would be happy with you or is it actually that it's too much hard work for you? Little kids don't communicate wonderfully and they have tantrums. I mean, of course they do. Hmm

borntohula · 01/09/2020 00:35

And if a guy was here asking if he could get away with doing as little parenting as possible because he's mentally unwell, he'd be judged too. What would you do if your ex wasn't around?

Hangingbasketofdoom · 01/09/2020 00:43

A lot of posters are saying do what's best for your dc. Is seeing his mum less what is best for him? If the alternative is being unwell and unable to look after him, then it is. But what if the alternative was his mum being better, through medication or counselling or whatever, and both parents and child being happier?

Enough4me · 01/09/2020 00:51

You need to decide what is in your DS best interest, but do not cut yourself off from contact and set times for review. For now I would recommend planning for the immediate future, for 3 months at a time, as DC can change quickly and with the right support you may feel very different in a few months time.

Think ahead: When your DS is at school you may feel in a completely different place and he will be a different, far more verbal, child.

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 01/09/2020 00:59

I know someone who did just that. She lived at opposite ends of the country to her ds.

It was fine. The world didn't stop turning, she'd have him during the hols and for long weekends, he was just happier with his dad. He's an adult now and they have a good relationship. She still managed to be a very involved parent despite the distance and did what was best for him.

whatstodo20 · 01/09/2020 01:15

I honestly wouldn't judge you at all, this arrangement sounds perfectly fine to me. Don't worry about what other people think, just concentrate on what's best for your child and yourself. And you don't need to justify this arrangement to anyone.

Bereft2020 · 01/09/2020 01:26

I agree with the comments re 50/50. I genuinely can’t see how that’s in the child’s best interests at all. I mean of course they need time with both parents but they also need a stable and secure home, not being shuttled between two places every few days.

FortunesFave · 01/09/2020 01:32

Has he pressured you to do this OP?

SleepingStandingUp · 01/09/2020 01:35

Op it sounds like Dad being primary carer ATM is a good plan whilst you deal with your anxiety. You're still seeing him lots and involved in the day to day stuff but this will give you a chance to get yourself on the right track again.
You'd need to look into what you'd pay in child support, and the CB should be in his name if it is in yours at present

That doesn't mean it always has to be that way. Life changes, you can move to 50/50 when you feel able

Is only judge you if you were putting societies expectations ahead of your child's needs

SleepingStandingUp · 01/09/2020 01:38

@borntohula

And if a guy was here asking if he could get away with doing as little parenting as possible because he's mentally unwell, he'd be judged too. What would you do if your ex wasn't around?
She isn't suggesting as little parenting as possible, she's taking about having him one night every weekend, weeks at a time in the holidays as well as visiting him at home plenty and being involved with school. That's hardly one dinner a month!! As for if the ex want there, well he is. DH does lots of child care. If he wasn't there if have to do it but as he is I don't have to worry about what would happen if he wasn't.
user1481840227 · 01/09/2020 01:52

I don't think you should be making any decisions yet that you won't be able to come back from in future, especially as you believe you still have post natal depression.

eaglejulesk · 01/09/2020 02:19

People probably will judge, but ignore them. You and your DP must do what you feel is best for your child. It's not unknown for a man to do most of the childcare, and if that works for you then go for it, or if 50/50 works out better then try that. It's actually no-ones else's business.

eaglejulesk · 01/09/2020 02:20

I agree with the comments re 50/50. I genuinely can’t see how that’s in the child’s best interests at all. I mean of course they need time with both parents but they also need a stable and secure home, not being shuttled between two places every few days.

I tend to agree with this, I don't actually see how it can be good for a child.

Dillydallyingthrough · 01/09/2020 02:33

OP I think you are doing exactly what is best for your DS, and not what is best for you and that is the meaning of true love.

I really admire that, many DC grow up with there DFs (although not as common as woman SPs) and the DC grow up amazing, DC need the best parent in the event of a split and that is sometimes the father (despite what MN would tell you). Its a shame more parents dont do this, there are lots of DC growing up with their DMs where they would be better with with their DFs.

Yeahnahmum · 01/09/2020 02:36

People will judge you yes.
But if they roles were reversed, no one would judge.

So... yeah... double standards much?!!

BitOfFun · 01/09/2020 02:38

Is your ex-partner suggesting this, or pushing the narrative about him being the better parent and you being unfit?

HermioneMakepeace · 01/09/2020 03:09

Every weekend and one day a week IS 50/50.

OP, people will always judge, whatever you do. It makes them feel better about their own lives. As long as you are doing what is right for your DS (and it sounds like you are), then bollocks to what everyone else thinks.

mathanxiety · 01/09/2020 04:11

my head is scrambled at the moment, I apologise, I do have depression and anxiety so it doesn’t help

Do you have medical support for these conditions?

I strongly urge you to get help if you are not being treated at the moment, and get more help if you are currently being treated.

What you described in your OP sounded to me like panicking about whether you and your child had bonded. It sounded as if they had a great relationship and you were an outsider and irrelevant to your child's life. If this is even a smidgeon of how you feel, please seek help.

mathanxiety · 01/09/2020 04:14

thebeachismyhappyplace2 Mon 31-Aug-20 19:56:28

I’m not judging you but something doesn’t sound right here. I hope you haven’t been manipulated or gas lighted. You sound vulnerable and I wouldn’t want you to regret anything later on in life. Before you make any big decision like this, I would personally get some counselling

YYY to every word of this.

It strikes me very forcibly that either your own catastrophising (due to depression and anxiety) has led you to the conclusion you have reached, or you have been unduly influenced to make this decision.