Would people judge me on this/think badly of me?

[Butterflywing31]

Myself and my DP are in the process of separating. We never got married, but have an almost 3 year old together.
We’ve made the decision that DS will stay with his dad, they have a very strong bond and it was my decision to split, although it was a joint one overall.
He is a very hands on dad and always has been. He teaches in a secondary school, so he’ll always be around in the school holidays too. And weekends/evenings.
I’m hoping to have my DS to stay with me every weekend at least one of the days, maybe both and then to stay a week or more in the school holidays too, depending on how things go. I’ll go round there often, as we are splitting up amicably and I want to see him as often as possible. I’ll be there for all school meetings and have him overnight whenever he wants to/whenever my then ex DP maybe needs to be somewhere late etc. I’m also wanting to do school pick ups when he starts if it works out with my hours.

I’m worried that people are going to judge our decision, friends and family and anyone else really...any professionals we come into contact with.
Has anyone else been in this situation? I’ve told my parents we are separating, but not that he’s going to mostly live with his dad, I will do, but I feel that at the moment, they assume he’ll be staying with me, my friends probably think the same.

Thank you in advance.

Op think about this carefully. Because with fifty fifty you will be in sole charge for three or four days a week. And then half the holidays.

Maybe build up slowly and get your depression and anxiety treated as a priority. But when you’re still like this then I would not advocate for being a single parent. That’s just going to be a million times harder than it is now. His father won’t be there to take over when you panic or feel the need to get away.

Maybe make the split, get your treatment, start with one day a week as you suggested then build it from there as you recover.

This. And don't write yourself off as a parent, OP -- I don't think there's any such thing as a 'natural', and I certainly found the early years difficult. You've a long and hopefully easier and better road ahead of you as a mother. Best wishes with it all.

You sound like a kind Mum doing the best in a tough situation. You are thinking of the needs of your child. You do not love him any less. Let us know if you get an autism diagnosis or to the bottom of where anxiety is stemming from. It is nobody else's business if they ask the reasons for your custody issues. Have a prepared answer for them. You can say you have health issues which you fear would impact your little boy so now he is going to get the best of both worlds which is the truth.

I agree with others saying you are putting your DS first and doing the best for him. I would judge you as a selfless Mother, not conforming to the expected but thinking of the situation logically for a happy long term outcome.

OP, I read your first post and immediately voted that YABU, but I want to rescind that vote. The reasons you have given are more than understandable. You’d only have to give a brief explanation for people to get it.
Just be very careful that nothing is set in stone as you may change your mind as you get better. Perhaps it could be put in writing that this is just whilst you’re unwell and you would hope for 50/50 eventually.
Don’t move away but visit friends and family as much as you can.
Can I just ask why you have broken with your ex? There’s no abuse is there as that often leads to depression which could have been the root cause of the decision that you have made?
However, assuming there’s not, I think you’re amazing for such a brave choice. You’ve put your child first x

I have PMd you

Please don’t become a 1/7 parent to your DS or he will feel abandoned, and that is a really awful feeling for a small child. Do what it takes, whatever work you have to do on yourself, to give him 50/50 so he knows that you love him.

Sounds like you have thought about what's best for all, not just yourself, which is admirable. If you can't do 50/50 don't feel forced into it.

I wouldn’t judge you, well I would but in a positive way not a negative. You’re putting the interests of your DS first and you’re being amicable and mature about the whole thing. I also don’t really understand the call for 50/50, I think that can be a bit selfish on the part of parents, I think a child needs a main home tbh.

I wouldn't question/judge this at all. (If I'm honest I might judge the judgers a bit - few would question a father doing this.)

You shouldn't make any kind of decision based on what people might think of you.

I wouldn't judge, be surprised...yes.

Op, be careful not to let a long term situation/norm/precedent develop based on what will hopefully be short term issues. You feel awful at the moment, but hopefully you won't do forever. You clearly are a good mum, as you have the clarity and selflessness to be putting your son's needs above your own at this moment. In future, when you are feeling better, either you or your ex have new partners etc you don't want to find yourself having to do battle to see your son.

Hopefully your ex is a good person, and will be supportive of your relationship with your child while you recuperate? You say you are the the instigator of the break up, is this a side effect of your mental health issues or what you genuinely want?

@Ignomen

Op think about this carefully. Because with fifty fifty you will be in sole charge for three or four days a week. And then half the holidays.

Maybe build up slowly and get your depression and anxiety treated as a priority. But when you’re still like this then I would not advocate for being a single parent. That’s just going to be a million times harder than it is now. His father won’t be there to take over when you panic or feel the need to get away.

Maybe make the split, get your treatment, start with one day a week as you suggested then build it from there as you recover.

This. And don't write yourself off as a parent, OP -- I don't think there's any such thing as a 'natural', and I certainly found the early years difficult. You've a long and hopefully easier and better road ahead of you as a mother. Best wishes with it all.

Those are heartfelt, sensible posts.

I don't know who is going to judge you, op, but you surely don't have to tell everyone. If someone asks just say you and dad share custody, that will be the truth, they don't have to know who does how much and when. It is a private matter.

It sounds as though your little one has two very caring parents.

Unfortunately people will judge you, but they shouldn’t as you are clearly doing what you think is best for your child.

It would be absolutely fine if you were a man but since you are a woman, then you are selfish and will be judged

If people judge you, then absolutely sod them. You’re doing what’s best for your family.

Whenever there are these sorts of thread titles, it's almost always something that people would never judge at someone for. Then when I read the OP I thought 'oh, this will not go down well' and my initial honest thought was that I would judge you.

However, it does sound like you are trying to do the best for your son, and no one bat's an eyelid when a dad only sees his kid every other weekend. I don't know, it's a really difficult one.

It's unusual, maybe, but I've known people in this exact situation. It worked out okay.

You need to push and do whatever it takes for 50/50 custody, keep working on your issues, put yourself out for your son, push yourself. If you try your best then there’s no judgement from me.

I was on your DS’s position, my Mum left home, I didn’t see much of her. Make it 50/50.

What is important is what works for your child and your and soon to be ex.

Ignore others. Stay amicable and be fair to each other. Remember than when either of you has a partner. Your son needs both of you and not a war zone which some appear to enjoy creating.

Is your DC being assessed for ASD too @Butterflywing31

You say he is almost 3 but can’t communicate properly, screams, cries and has tantrums because you don’t know what he wants?

Are you separating because you feel overwhelmed by parenting your child or other issues?

You will be judged and nowhere more than AIBU, however you do what you need to for yourself and child. It’s very sad that Covid has delayed any help your family need.

Don’t beat yourself up over this decision that you and your DP have made.
I’m sure you’ve both talked about it so much and decided the best way forward.
He will Always be a very much loved little boy and wish you all the best x

Ignore the judging. Do what's best for your DS. You should definitely get some support and work on your feelings of guilt, develop that bond a bit more. Can you opt for more time with him if you find you are feeling stronger and better equipped? I don't know how it works. Good luck.

I wouldn't judge you. It sounds sensible and stable for your DS. Kids also don't want to sleep half the week in one house and half the week in another.

I think mums who don’t live with their dc are always judged much more harshly than dads in the same position. My dd didn’t live with me for a few years, and people often did judge, but that isn’t true for men. You need to do what’s right for you, and what’s right for your dc, but also make sure you’re not making decisions now - when your mental health is low - that you’ll regret later.

YANBU to agree to have your ex be the main carer of your son if it's in your DS's best interests (and it sounds like it might be). You can still be a committed and loving mother without being the main carer.

Unfortunately, as you see by some of the reactions on here, people will judge you in a way they wouldn't judge a father (and for others they will judge just as they would a father n your situation, but still negatively). Nevertheless, the goal should be to make the best decision for your DS, not for reputation, or even for your feelings and it's a huge credit to you and your DH that you have been open to the idea of someone other than the mother potentially being the best main carer.

Don't let yourself be railroaded into something you don't think is right, just think about how your DS is going to best have all his needs met and what you need to do between you to make that happen.