To think it's normal to move house to get your DC into a better school?

[HighbrowLowbrow]

TLDR: AIBU to expect DH to move house even though he likes it because local schools are not good and we can afford to live somewhere much better?

DS is nearly 2. We live in an area where the schools are mediocre (the local infants and juniors are both "requires improvement" on Ofsted, one was in special measures a few years ago although it has improved a bit) and there are anti-social issues with some of the local kids. I'm a bit annoyed living here anyway because it's miles from anywhere with poor amenities and our house backs out onto a council estate with ugly houses. The secondary schools are also currently poor and DH's friend sends his kids about an hour away by bus to get to a half-decent one.

We can just about afford a house of a similar size, a mile from where I work, in a well-to-do area within the catchment area of what is generally considered one of the best primary schools in our city and also one of the top secondary schools (although I do realise a lot can change between now and the time DS goes to secondary school).

DH acts like I'm being incredibly unreasonable and snobbish in wanting to move. He says he likes this area and can't see my problem. I don't know if part of the problem is that I'm very middle class with high aspirations (2 first class degrees, fairly high earning lawyer) and DH is from a very working class family with low expectations (no degree, was unemployed for a couple of years prior to becoming a SAHD).

How do we resolve this? AIBU to expect DH to move for the sake of me and DS? DH just seems to think that what we have is good enough and I should just live with it. I want to give DS the best I can and it would also be nice to have a nicer commute to work when things are more back to normal.

DH doesn't really have any good objections to posher area other than it's a bit hilly, we wouldn't have a car parking space (neither of us drive and I never will be able to due to medical reasons) and the houses that I like are currently going for up to around £500,000 which he thinks is too expensive even though we have lots of equity and that would be within the amount that we could get on a mortgage. He also likes our current house as it has a nice modern kitchen and good sound proofing. I am frustrated because I can always earn enough to make a bad house in a nice location better, but I can't pick up this house and change its location.

I'm also worried that DH might eventually come around to my point of view but I don't have the luxury of waiting around to let him see the error of his ways. He previously kept insisting that we should stay in our upstairs flat rather than buying a house before having a baby (which would have been completely impossible with a pram) and now admits I was absolutely right to force him to move. I want to move before DS starts school if we are going to do it so that there is less impact on DS.

Don't worry about the husband he'll come around to loving the ideathey all do it just takes a little bit of work

Very common where I live. Most of my friends moved into better catchment areas. Those that didn't sent their kids to private school.

I live in an area where a high percentage of the schools are outstanding. People most certainly do move here to be within catchment.

so if your child is going to succeed, they should do whatever school they go to.

This stuff about "an able child will do well in any school" is such naive nonsense.

An able child surrounded by children who don't want to be there, in a failing school has an uphill struggle all the way to succeed. Teachers who do their best but spend the bulk of a lesson sorting out discipline issues. Low expectations. High staff turnover because the teachers want to work with kids who actually want to learn. Kids who create a culture of underachievement being "cool" and doing your homework and answering questions in class being very uncool. Parents who don't work with the school, but who see themselves as being in conflict with the school. Truanting. Absenteeism.

Why would you choose to put your child through that? A miserable existence as one of a handful of motivated children in a pond of kids who have no motivation to learn? Especially when the likelihood of that scenario can be so easily avoided. I was in a not-great school as an academic student. It was shit. If got better post 16 as most of the idiots left, and signed on the dole like their parents. But the first few years were just horrendous.

It is commonplace and in a way honest, unlike those who fake their 'rediscovered' faith to get into a good school.

Regardless of whether you are a snob who thinks local authority houses are ugly.

YANBU, you do the best for your kids and if you can afford a nicer area why not?

I only think there's a problem when people do this and then moan about how unfair education is, because some get a leg up.
Understanding this is a leg up and not available to all, would be a good place to start, but go for it.
it's only the same as moving from country to town for more activities and clubs for your kids.

YANBU but I think you put your foot in it a bit with some of the comments in your OP. My DP would be so grossed out if he knew I’d posted about him having “low aspirations” due to being working class on a public forum.

OP if I was in your situation and I could afford it I would definitely move. School is such a huge part of everyone’s life. Plus it sounds like there are other reasons too.

@SockYarn

so if your child is going to succeed, they should do whatever school they go to.

This stuff about "an able child will do well in any school" is such naive nonsense.

An able child surrounded by children who don't want to be there, in a failing school has an uphill struggle all the way to succeed. Teachers who do their best but spend the bulk of a lesson sorting out discipline issues. Low expectations. High staff turnover because the teachers want to work with kids who actually want to learn. Kids who create a culture of underachievement being "cool" and doing your homework and answering questions in class being very uncool. Parents who don't work with the school, but who see themselves as being in conflict with the school. Truanting. Absenteeism.

Why would you choose to put your child through that? A miserable existence as one of a handful of motivated children in a pond of kids who have no motivation to learn? Especially when the likelihood of that scenario can be so easily avoided. I was in a not-great school as an academic student. It was shit. If got better post 16 as most of the idiots left, and signed on the dole like their parents. But the first few years were just horrendous.

I had an identical experience as a very academic child at high school in the late 90s. We’d be placed in whole class detentions because of around 6 or 7 disruptive children. Teachers would literally just sit and wait for them to calm down until they’d do any teaching, and some times they never calmed down. One teacher ran out in tears several times and we just sat there until the ‘lesson’ finished and then dismissed ourselves. I managed to do well in my GCSEs as we were set by ability from year 9, but my main memory of any classes where I was with my form group was the disruptive kids taking all the attention and spoiling the environment for everyone else. The needs of kids just there to learn were not met in any meaningful way at all.

Sixth form was totally different as those kids weren’t there.

This is a common thing to do in my experience. My parents couldn’t afford to educate all of their children at independent schools and unlike some others in the family refused to prioritise sons over daughters. The local senior school was ok but the issue was poverty of ambition. There was no expectation that most kids would go on to further education and working hard for academic achievement wasn’t cool. They moved to a good state school catchment where parental expectations and school culture aligned more with their values. I know numerous people who have done this. This is the reason why houses in good school areas cost much more!

@ListeningQuietly

Many Outstanding schools have not had an OFSTED inspection for many years I believe the longest is 11 years Therefore you may be in for a nasty shock of you move for a better school and discover that all the staff and all the pupils have changed since they last had an inspection

FWIW the vast vast bulk of people DO NOT move house for schools
in fact huge numbers of people cannot afford to move at all

Nail on the head

@Spiderseason

For goodness sake, can anyone really argue that some council estates are attractive?

I find them incredibly depressing and I'd love to paint them and sow seeds in some of the gardens. I find their look depressing.

Shoot me 🤷‍♂️

Having nice views is important to me too.

Op, just move. Let's say you are being snobby.. It's still not a reason or non reason to base your dc futures on.
The other situation sounds so much better.

Totally agree, they are hardly things of beauty and who in all honesty if they had the choice and the financial means would pick a view of a council estate? I would certainly move in your circumstances OP a home should make you feel happy not depressed every time you look out the window.

*I think you’re confusing things.

The OP and everyone else here are talking about permanently moving.

I think, you think, they are moving temporarily, getting the child into the school and then moving back home.*

No, we moved permanently.

When I was in Secondary School, people moved so frequently to be near my school that it had an actual name (think the 'St Grump Jump'). Personally, I hated the school. Great Ofsted, but terrible pastoral care. Still, you're right people do move (or at least did, can't imagine that's changed) to be nearer good schools and often it's a big factor in where to move to. We ended up moving from London for the house and lifestyle to a village with one school, but we were happy with it when we looked round and that was important to us. I think it's very dependent on parents. Some parents choose to add tutoring in if the school is underperforming, or perhaps the teaching style doesn't suit. Some focus more on moving to a school with the same group of friends and other's purely on whether they found the teachers approachable and the children happy.

I do agree moving before school is far better. Have you visited the schools? Perhaps taking DH to look round, chatting to the teachers and seeing the pupils 'in action' as it were would give him a good comparison and then he'd have more to base a decision on? We found on visiting local primaries (before we knew we were moving) that we actually liked one right at the edge of catchment. It wasn't popular in our area, but the teachers were wonderful and the pupils seemed really happy and relaxed in their classes. They had fab pastoral care and provision for special needs (which I think shows how leadership consider issues that arise) and a lovely outdoor space. Visiting made all the difference in that choice.

In regards to ‘requires improvement‘ this school will be monitored very closely by ofsted and likely had a new management team in place. You may find it becomes a good school before your child starts.

That aside, your husband is wise to not want to overstretch your finances if you are a single earning family. However there is nothing wrong with aspiring to improving your situation. Is there anywhere between the two extremes you could consider moving to?

I mean...

Of course its normal to move to be closer to better schools. Most parents who have the means to do it, do it and middle class people have been doing this for generations. It may be snobbish but its hardly a new thing the people showing wide-eyed innocence that it happens are not being totally honest with themselves.

On the other hand its not surprising that it provokes strong emotions in people who can't afford it so I'm not surprised at some of the reactions on here.

It's also not surprising, maybe, that it provokes discomfort in your DH who clearly feels vulnerable and possibly a bit emasculated as the non-breadwinner. That's not a reason not to do it. You do have a say in your children's education and its natural to want to make sure they go to the best school you can manage. But this is clearly something that makes him uncomfortable.

It is odd as other have pointed out that you didn't make sure your views were aligned on this before you decided to start a family. I'm not sure what you can do about it now. Its not really reasonable for you to sacrifice your children's education to assuage your husband's chip on the shoulder about being upwardly mobile. But it must be difficult for him and I can see how it could cause problems in your marriage.

Is it time to ask yourself whether you might be better off going it alone? If you're not going to be able to bring him round... It doesn't sound like you need him financially and if he's dead set against doing something which can improve life for your children its hard to see the logic in remaining with him really.

Totally normal where I live. Houses in catchment areas of good schools are more expensive. And there is a lot of fraud - people using parents and child minders addresses to get into schools.

I would move if it gave my children a better education.

I don't know what everybody does

I know that properties in the best catchment areas have a huge premium due to the demand

I know that my kids go to very good schools, and around 3/4 of families (at least) moved here after the children were born to ensure they get a good start.

The Ofsted report are only a very small of what makes a school a very good school: results, area, opportunities, sports clubs, land and access to outdoor space, fellow pupils and families.

It has been necessary not to prioritise siblings over catchment in many places (still exist in some areas unfortunately): so families who are no longer in the catchment no longer have priority because a sibling is already there, and priority is given to LOCAL children - even if you moved 2 weeks ago, you are still a LOCAL resident.

If posters want to pretend it's not usual to move to chose the school, they can, but facts tend to prove them wrong.

Everyone i know buys their house factoring catchment areas almost the most important factor tbh. Definitely move.

It’s normal but I can totally understand why people wouldn’t want to. Bear in mind that some schools are so over subscribed you might not get in anyway. We moved house before dd3 started school ( not for catchment) but there wasn’t space in the local school anyway.
Oh and by the way, comments about the council houses. I live in a council house which is a beautiful cottage with sea views.

I don't think it's "normal", but I certainly don't think it's unusual, that's why house prices are usually higher in areas which have good schools.

I'd say it's normal to want the best for your DC especially if you come from a working class/council house background ime anyway. DH and I are older than you are now and our DC are young adults. We were both bought up in poverty. Our parents both did their best and we both enjoyed our childhood but we definitely wanted them to have a better mix of DC and some better aspirations in life.

I think you should move, it's better to do it while DC are small. Ours were on their 3rd house before they started school but we've then stayed put for their entire schooling. Best move we made.

Totally understandable to move for those reasons and many do.
I agree not to blindly follow Ofsted ratings, look at the schools yourself. In general if the other pupils come from families that prioritise education the school will do well.
All children deserve good schools, not just academic children, despite what someone posted.
Personally I would discount SATs scores as they measure so much more than the quality of the teaching..

We did this because we are bad people. I'm a teacher, I know what I'm looking for when a school feels right, all of our options didn't feel right, so we moved.

It’s your job as parents to give your child the best education you can. I suggest you get on with moving, with or without your husband.