To think it's normal to move house to get your DC into a better school?

[HighbrowLowbrow]

TLDR: AIBU to expect DH to move house even though he likes it because local schools are not good and we can afford to live somewhere much better?

DS is nearly 2. We live in an area where the schools are mediocre (the local infants and juniors are both "requires improvement" on Ofsted, one was in special measures a few years ago although it has improved a bit) and there are anti-social issues with some of the local kids. I'm a bit annoyed living here anyway because it's miles from anywhere with poor amenities and our house backs out onto a council estate with ugly houses. The secondary schools are also currently poor and DH's friend sends his kids about an hour away by bus to get to a half-decent one.

We can just about afford a house of a similar size, a mile from where I work, in a well-to-do area within the catchment area of what is generally considered one of the best primary schools in our city and also one of the top secondary schools (although I do realise a lot can change between now and the time DS goes to secondary school).

DH acts like I'm being incredibly unreasonable and snobbish in wanting to move. He says he likes this area and can't see my problem. I don't know if part of the problem is that I'm very middle class with high aspirations (2 first class degrees, fairly high earning lawyer) and DH is from a very working class family with low expectations (no degree, was unemployed for a couple of years prior to becoming a SAHD).

How do we resolve this? AIBU to expect DH to move for the sake of me and DS? DH just seems to think that what we have is good enough and I should just live with it. I want to give DS the best I can and it would also be nice to have a nicer commute to work when things are more back to normal.

DH doesn't really have any good objections to posher area other than it's a bit hilly, we wouldn't have a car parking space (neither of us drive and I never will be able to due to medical reasons) and the houses that I like are currently going for up to around £500,000 which he thinks is too expensive even though we have lots of equity and that would be within the amount that we could get on a mortgage. He also likes our current house as it has a nice modern kitchen and good sound proofing. I am frustrated because I can always earn enough to make a bad house in a nice location better, but I can't pick up this house and change its location.

I'm also worried that DH might eventually come around to my point of view but I don't have the luxury of waiting around to let him see the error of his ways. He previously kept insisting that we should stay in our upstairs flat rather than buying a house before having a baby (which would have been completely impossible with a pram) and now admits I was absolutely right to force him to move. I want to move before DS starts school if we are going to do it so that there is less impact on DS.

Move.

We did, from one end of the country to the other. Don't regret it for a second. A good education, in a decent school, surrounded by children whose parents all want the best education for them too is the best thing you can give them.

Also agree that in lots of families, getting A-levels or going to uni just isn't seen as important.

We did. Don't regret it, I know others who have done the same.

We are actually doing this at present. We live in a good catchment for secondary but all the primaries have something I don't like. So we are moving (DS is 2 next week) to a house in a catchment of an outstanding primary then we will move back to the secondary catchment when he is 10. Cheaper than private and at least you get equity in return.

@nonsenceagain

Thank you to everyone who moved to be closer to 'better' schools.

People like you have resulted in my DC not getting into our local school, the school that kids in this area have gone to for decades. Your actions have consequences.

If people move close to a school, the school becomes their local school and they have as much right to use it as people who have lived their since before their children were born.

The only time children are deprived of their place is when people rent a house in the catchment just for the address, but actually retain their house elsewhere, which is not allowed, but still happens.

When buying a house, it’s always location, location, location.

Just as you wrote, you can’t pick up your house and put it in a better area.

We have moved three times within the same half mike radius when we needed bigger houses as our family grew. But - we bought in a good area to start with. Your D.C. is only 2 so move now. Also, take advantage of the current stamp duty situation. It will become pricier to move later as all taxes are going to have to rise to pay for all the government support and spending during covid.

People like you have resulted in my DC not getting into our local school

It is my local school, though. I live in one place permanently.

Asking MN is pointless tbh. It's normal in some people's circles and not in others'. The real problem is that you and your dh seem to have very incompatible priorities and aspirations. I don't think I could be with someone whose attitudes differed so much from my own tbh.

@SpeedofaSloth

People like you have resulted in my DC not getting into our local school

It is my local school, though. I live in one place permanently.

I think you’re confusing things.

The OP and everyone else here are talking about permanently moving.

I think, you think, they are moving temporarily, getting the child into the school and then moving back home.

Very odd post. My daughter is a a trainee lawyer. They are taught to argue their case, and it become second nature to them, but clearly not to you op.

If you’d simply said we can afford a bigger house close to better schools the ones here are poor and the area isn’t great but my husband doesn’t want the upheaval you’d have got off lighter.

But the whole I’m middle class and it’s next to ugly council houses is a very poor way to form an argument.

Hope you do better in the day job op.

Among the people I know it is quite normal to move to be in catchment for a good school.

We did it and I don't regret it at all. I think some children can do well in any school but it is so much easier if the school is good and the area is nice and you fit in regarding aspirations for your child and lifestyle.

I think for primary it’s less important although that’s hindsight as I did the move. For secondary though I don’t understand why you wouldn’t if you could. Why would I stay in an area where the secondaries have low 40% getting 9-5 in GCSE when I can afford to move to a school where close on 90% get 9-5? Obviously the first school may have many good points but if I have academic children and high educational aspirations for them it makes perfect sense to have them in a school which has hard work and it being cool to try hard (regardless of whether that’s too Middle or bottom of the year) as a priority.

I don't really understand this tbh. We've moved to an area with excellent primary and secondary schools (coincidentally) but the chances are really slim of getting my kids in as they are so oversubscribed and we will have to travel to school, that's quite a gamble if moving purely for schools! Our county website says they don't have catchments anyway (whatever that means!)

It's normal, we did it. Previously lived in a place which was run down, scruffy and shit. Over my dead body was my DC going to the local shit school. You couldn't leave your pram outside the baby clinic or it might get rifled through or nicked. The methadone clinic was on at the same time as baby rhyme time. Needs improvement, high staff turnover and underfunded school. I'm from there so have no problem saying it was miserable and full of druggies. Shortly after we moved, a brothel opened up over the road.

We moved ten min up the road, so still local, but to a nicer place, with better schools and amenities. We moved just after DC was 12 months so long enough to become part of the community.

DH came from a shit background, neglect and alcoholic parents who had no investment in education. He suffered as a result and missed out, school refuser by 12. He's happy to let me be the driver behind DCs education. I refuse to have any shame for wanting the best for my kids.

Yes to moving while the stamp duty has been frozen. You'll regret it when that is lifted , as it could be a big saving for you both.

We moved areas twice for schools. I think a lot of people do if they can.

However our first move was to a lovely leafy village for the lovely chocolate box village school, which was Ofsted Outstanding at the time. I know it was the perfect school for some families but it really wasn’t for ours. We left three years later, with the school having not noticed that one of my sons is actually quite severely autistic and the other is very bright. It was apparently easier to label both boys as having behavioural problems. We moved schools to a different environment and the so-called behavioural problems vanished instantly.

So what I’m saying is....do move for the right school. But have a plan B available to you if if it turns out to be a less good fit than you were expecting. Ofsted grades really aren’t the be all and end all.

@HighbrowLowbrow

TLDR: AIBU to expect DH to move house even though he likes it because local schools are not good and we can afford to live somewhere much better?

DS is nearly 2. We live in an area where the schools are mediocre (the local infants and juniors are both "requires improvement" on Ofsted, one was in special measures a few years ago although it has improved a bit) and there are anti-social issues with some of the local kids. I'm a bit annoyed living here anyway because it's miles from anywhere with poor amenities and our house backs out onto a council estate with ugly houses. The secondary schools are also currently poor and DH's friend sends his kids about an hour away by bus to get to a half-decent one.

We can just about afford a house of a similar size, a mile from where I work, in a well-to-do area within the catchment area of what is generally considered one of the best primary schools in our city and also one of the top secondary schools (although I do realise a lot can change between now and the time DS goes to secondary school).

DH acts like I'm being incredibly unreasonable and snobbish in wanting to move. He says he likes this area and can't see my problem. I don't know if part of the problem is that I'm very middle class with high aspirations (2 first class degrees, fairly high earning lawyer) and DH is from a very working class family with low expectations (no degree, was unemployed for a couple of years prior to becoming a SAHD).

How do we resolve this? AIBU to expect DH to move for the sake of me and DS? DH just seems to think that what we have is good enough and I should just live with it. I want to give DS the best I can and it would also be nice to have a nicer commute to work when things are more back to normal.

DH doesn't really have any good objections to posher area other than it's a bit hilly, we wouldn't have a car parking space (neither of us drive and I never will be able to due to medical reasons) and the houses that I like are currently going for up to around £500,000 which he thinks is too expensive even though we have lots of equity and that would be within the amount that we could get on a mortgage. He also likes our current house as it has a nice modern kitchen and good sound proofing. I am frustrated because I can always earn enough to make a bad house in a nice location better, but I can't pick up this house and change its location.

I'm also worried that DH might eventually come around to my point of view but I don't have the luxury of waiting around to let him see the error of his ways. He previously kept insisting that we should stay in our upstairs flat rather than buying a house before having a baby (which would have been completely impossible with a pram) and now admits I was absolutely right to force him to move. I want to move before DS starts school if we are going to do it so that there is less impact on DS.

You will get a lot of hate on here but I’m with you in that I would move from a NR school area to a better one. I wouldn’t necessarily move from a good area to an o/s one though - because often the difference is a paperwork issue.

I knew as soon as I read your post that you would get some PC outrage from the permanently offended, OP. .

Of course people move house to get in a decent school - I went to an excellent comp (former grammer) that was worlds away from the school on the other side of town. People would (and still do) move literally just across the river to get into the good one.

You live in a not particularly pleasant area with poor amenities, have a long, difficult commute to work, and the prospect to sending your child to both a below par primary, and secondary (even your DH's friend doesn't send his child to the local school).

And your stay-at-home DH thinks it's all fine. Nope.

Move, it's a no-brainer. You will be only 1 MILE from work, and therefore have far more family time, your child will grow up in a safer area, and attend good schools. You have friends there already. You sound like you can afford it, and have what should be a secure job.

I wouldn't spend too much time batting it around, personally, given that your DH's only objection is a reluctance to accept change. Remember this is the man who tried to avoid moving to a house, and wanted to stay in an upstairs flat with a baby because..... it was what he was used to.

Tell you DH to grow up, think of you and your child, lose the inverted snobbery and get packing.

I feel a bit sad about this way of thinking. You’re absolutely right to want the best for your child. However, 90% of our motivation to learn comes from our parents, so if your child is going to succeed, they should do whatever school they go to. Think about what contribution your child can MAKE to a school that needs that boost from ambitious families, not what you can TAKE from the situation.

YOU might be middle class and well educated and all that bollocks but what if it turns out that your DS is not 'academically minded', for want of a better word? Will there be any point stretching yourself to live in a house you can 'just about afford'? Will you be able to afford any more DC (if that is what you want, of course)?. You mention that you are not able to drive - do you have a health condition preventing you? If so, what would happen if it took a turn for the worse and you couldn't work?

It all seems a bit precarious to me, given that you have no idea of your DS's academic leanings yet.

School catchment is SO important round here (we are in Scotland, catchments are fixed, and the local high school can only accommodate children from within catchment) that it's literally the first thing estate agents say on listings for family homes.

People move here for the schools. The secondary in particular has had a good reputation for decades. Many families choose between staying in another area and shelling out for private school fees, or buying a property, using the great state education, and spending the money on extra mortgage payments.

When we moved I looked at school attainment, crime rates, transport links, as well as Indices of deprivation, then house prices and found where we could live that ticked all the boxes.

We now live in an odd house as it's the best we could afford but with good schools, low crime, and we seem to fit economically. I've found it's not good to feel like the poor family but it's also not good to be the opposite so where we are now is a good fit for us.

You have to do what's best for your children, whatever that means to each family.

Outstanding Schools - when were they last inspected ?
If you are moving into an area
DO NOT blindly trust Ofsted and League tables
best depends on the individual child

and FWIW the vast, vast bulk of the population cannot afford to move into a naice catchment

I think you are absolutely right to move house and why not you can afford it and it seems you are not really happy with the views from the house you are in anyway.I sent my children to the best school and it wasn't the nearest one and so delighted that I did, who wouldnt want what's best for your children.Its very exciting looking for a new home and with the child only aged 2 now is definitely the right time to do that,good luck house hunting

However, 90% of our motivation to learn comes from our parents, so if your child is going to succeed, they should do whatever school they go to

That's nice in theory, but not in practise. My nephew went to a truly shit school - he has two high achieving parents and is very motivated to learn. He lasted two terms, and was subjected to relentless bullying.
When you're sat with kids whose families haven't had a job between them in living memory, saying you want to be a bio-chemist doesn't go down well.

Surely you would be better moving just for the reason it is nearer to your work since dh is sahd? However huge mortgage would make me think twice BUT if you are on a good salary and can easily afford repayments then dont see why not.