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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to feel a bit funny about DH's comment

345 replies

redwinefine · 30/08/2020 22:15

This has been in my head all day and it may have been an off the cuff remark. Last night, DH and I were heading out for some (socially distanced) drinks with his friends. I was wearing a low cut dress and tights. When I came downstairs after getting dressed, DH said I looked fantastic but asked me to change. I asked why and he said 'because you look very booby and they're mine'. I laughed, thinking he was joking, but he just looked at me. I changed for an easy life and nothing else was said about it. AIBU to feel a bit funny about his comment? BTW, very happily married, sometimes he makes comments about what I'm wearing e.g. 'that's very bright and colourful, just like you' but nothing like this.

YABU - it was a joky comment, get over it
YANBU - it's your body, dress as you want

OP posts:
WhatamessIgotinto · 31/08/2020 10:06

@Benjispruce2 they want to show that part of their body to other people - it's not because they like how they look themselves and they are dressing for themselves?

AnnaLiviaPlurabella · 31/08/2020 10:10

Not nice. A comment with plausible deniability if called out, but definite undertones of jealous possessiveness and an expectation that his perceptions of how you dress should be considered above yours.

The more you accommodate this stuff, the more it's pushed. In my admittedly limited experience, that is.

PlanDeRaccordement · 31/08/2020 10:11

I personally prefer to dress a bit modest so would appreciate a comment like that from my DH. But that is him helping me in my preference. In your case it sounds different, like that is his preference and so not sure why he thinks he can tell you how to dress.

Benjispruce2 · 31/08/2020 10:12

I disagree, it’s peacock behaviour.

HoratiotheHorsefly · 31/08/2020 10:16

Nrtft but...

i think people are gathering because they're about to do the first dance. If you can tear yourself away, that is

This also stood out to me.

I would not tolerate this and that along with his "the boobs are mine" comment would have me re-assessing exactly how happy my marriage had actually been.

PerveenMistry · 31/08/2020 10:18

His level of jealousy and insecurity would concern me, TBH.

I find an insecure man to be a real turn off, but what you describe also has an unsavory air of "ownership " about it.

Benjispruce2 · 31/08/2020 10:21

I agree that the wedding comment is off. I would’ve pulled him up on that, the dress comment less so but that has to do with my thoughts on how to dress in certain situations rather than pleasing a man.

Walkaround · 31/08/2020 10:22

I do think it is a bit disingenuous to claim you are dressing 100% for yourself if you only dress up like that to go out. If dressing purely for yourself, it would surely be your choice of attire at home? Most people dress up to go out because they are bothered about how other people perceive them. Why ask, otherwise, if your bum looks big in something, or if your bra strap is showing? Who cares, if you thought you looked good when you checked in the mirror and you find the outfit comfortable to wear, if you are only dressing up for you? How others perceive you is most definitely part of the point of the experience!

WagnersFourthSymphony · 31/08/2020 10:24

I'll get flamed for this, but maybe it makes him feel uncomfortable when other men perve over you, and he thought this might encourage it. After all, being a man, he knows what men can be like. Some women enjoy it but plenty don't.

Saying 'they're mine' is completely unacceptable, however. Is he from a very conservative patriarchal background, viewing himself as your protector?

Benjispruce2 · 31/08/2020 10:24

I agree @Walkaround

HoratiotheHorsefly · 31/08/2020 10:28

@Walkaround

I do think it is a bit disingenuous to claim you are dressing 100% for yourself if you only dress up like that to go out. If dressing purely for yourself, it would surely be your choice of attire at home? Most people dress up to go out because they are bothered about how other people perceive them. Why ask, otherwise, if your bum looks big in something, or if your bra strap is showing? Who cares, if you thought you looked good when you checked in the mirror and you find the outfit comfortable to wear, if you are only dressing up for you? How others perceive you is most definitely part of the point of the experience!
Er no, I'm not doing laundry, cleaning the loo, making beds in 'going out' attire. I'll wear my jogging bottoms and a t-shirt because as a woman post menopause I get hot and sweaty, so I wear clothes I really couldn't give a shit about.
MrsClatterbuck · 31/08/2020 10:31

@Eckhart

When I called him out on the comment at the wedding, he said it didn't mean anything and to forget about it

So when your feelings are hurt, he expects you to forget about it, but when his feelings are hurt, he will create a bad atmosphere for a day or more.

Do you not see the imbalance here? The lack of respect for your feelings?

This right here
StatementKnickers · 31/08/2020 10:34

@redwinefine
He really is a lovely man - when we were out, he kept checking I was ok, or getting me involved in the conversation.

That's because he sees you as his property. He is not a lovely man.

MintyMabel · 31/08/2020 10:34

He really is a lovely man

What a low, low bar you've set for yourself.

Walkaround · 31/08/2020 10:36

@HoratiotheHorsefly - So, you do nothing but work when at home?! Sounds a bit shit.

SpaceOP · 31/08/2020 10:40

If I hadn't changed, I feel like there would have been an atmosphere for the rest of the night/ beyond.

So you kept him happy but meanwhile, it's been (understandably) bothering you ever since. Sounds great.

HoratiotheHorsefly · 31/08/2020 10:44

[quote Walkaround]@HoratiotheHorsefly - So, you do nothing but work when at home?! Sounds a bit shit.[/quote]
No of course I don't but I'm not changing out of sweats to slob out and watch tv.

Anyway I'm generally at work or home, or in a supermarket, I don't very often go out out but when I do I like to wear something different and I've long since stopped asking how I look.

Walkaround · 31/08/2020 10:49

@HoratiotheHorsefly - I would hazard a guess that’s because you know what you think you look good in, not that you have no intention whatsoever of having any effect on others, and expect them to avert their gaze if your presence has any kind of an effect!

ptumbi · 31/08/2020 10:50

I DON'T EVER do something just to 'keep the peace' or for a 'quiet life' - what that does, is subjugate your own feelings, for the sake of someone else's, and means that you are being subtly controlled. A 'quiet life' is one which you don't have the full view of.

Fight that at the time and do what you want, and WHEN the consequences arise, you can see them for what they are. IF he causes an atmosphere, you can deal (and LTB if nec).

If you are constantly avoiding the issue and putting his feelings first, your relationship is not based on reality.

He is NOT a nice bloke.

mightbealittlebitmad · 31/08/2020 10:53

I wouldn't have changed. I went out the other day in a very short, very tight dress with a lot of boob on display. He didn't utter a word apart from to tell me I looked fine when I was fretting over me looking fat. I would not have appreciated any comments about any part of me belonging to him, I belong to me and nobody else.

Ellie56 · 31/08/2020 10:56

"His boobies"? Who the hell does he think he is? Does he think he owns the rest of you as well? Angry

You shouldn't be feeling "funny", OP you should be raging.

You should have shot him down in flames there and then, and told him it is your body not his, and you will wear what you want.

The fact that you changed speaks volumes, and does not sound good.

to the 7% who have voted that it was just a jokey comment and I should get over it - why do you think that?

Maybe they live with controlling wankers too.

Nanny0gg · 31/08/2020 10:57

@ekidmxcl

It’s pretty straightforward. Your boobs were clearly eye catching and he didn’t want his friends looking at them all evening.

I don’t think his request was unreasonable.

Yes, it was.
ChristmasFluff · 31/08/2020 11:00

This is coercive control.

It's exactly how Rob started with Helen in 'The Archers' and although the ending of that storyline was very overly-dramatic, the depiction of coercive control and how it gets ramped up was spot-on.

OP, if it's possible for you to listen to that storyline, then please do - I think you will recognise lots of things your 'lovely' husband has in common with 'lovely' Rob.

aec83x · 31/08/2020 11:01

I'm not saying hes controlling but every controlling relationship starts somewhere. Next time, tell him its up to you what you wear.

Nanny0gg · 31/08/2020 11:02

@WagnersFourthSymphony

I'll get flamed for this, but maybe it makes him feel uncomfortable when other men perve over you, and he thought this might encourage it. After all, being a man, he knows what men can be like. Some women enjoy it but plenty don't.

Saying 'they're mine' is completely unacceptable, however. Is he from a very conservative patriarchal background, viewing himself as your protector?

Not all men 'perve'

Maybe you're mixing with the wrong type?