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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Huge family fallout over wedding

167 replies

thoughtitwasright · 30/08/2020 13:43

My sister got married last weekend. I (plus DH and 3 kids) didn't attend due to situation with COVID and not feeling comfortable going to an indoor party of almost 100 (we don't live in the UK). I thought I was doing the right thing and my sister seemed to understand. However, my parents have now said I am no longer part of their family and are refusing all contact.

I know it won't make any difference but I have no one subjective to talk to and I thought I was doing the right thing.

YABU - I should have gone to the wedding
YANBU - They should respect my decision not to attend.

OP posts:
Harleyband · 31/08/2020 18:03

You are most definitely not being unreasonable.

For all of the posters saying OP should have gone and they would have shown their faces, have you been listening at all over the past 5 months? Large indoor unmasked events are the single best way to spread this virus. And the virus doesn't care how important your event is. If it can spread it will. This is how pandemics happen. Do you really want all your isolating over the past 5 months to be in vain? If you do, then go right ahead and attend these events. But I do hope you give up your ICU bed and ventilator to someone who cares.

I've seen too many patients die to stand for this crap.

GabsAlot · 31/08/2020 18:16

so she didnt really go by the guidlines having people there that werent qurantining from certain countries

yanbu in that case

ilikemethewayiam · 31/08/2020 18:17

That’s really nasty controlling behaviour by your parents. I would be really angry that they don’t respect my grown up decision and feel they have the right to ‘punish’ me! I would step back and leave it To them to apologise TO YOU!

Illdealwithitinaminute · 31/08/2020 18:20

If you had gone, just you by yourself, it's a big ask for your partner to care for the kids for two weeks, and that's even supposing you could have quarantined on returning.

If you got there, and wanted to wear a mask, and not hug people, everyone would have been sniffy about that.

These events where people are hugging and kissing and all up close are the best way to spread corona, and I can't understand someone having a big event right now and I'm pretty relaxed about everyday risks and go out to eat/work as normal.

Ultimately it was a risk people would not come, some won't have done (bet you were not the only one) and your parents are being absolutely ridiculous.

I body swerved a funeral a couple of months ago, sad but it is what it is. Even when corona wasn't a thing, people miss funerals and weddings for all kinds of reason. They aren't something to get bitter about or destroy relationships.

GabsAlot · 31/08/2020 18:20

also your dsis seems ok with it so why the ott reaction from parents it wasnt their wedding

Coffeecak3 · 31/08/2020 18:31

I would just stay cool and don’t engage with your dp’s over this.
I’ve brought my dc up to think for themselves, if one of them made this decision I would support them however upset I felt underneath.

Figgygal · 31/08/2020 18:35

Your sister shouldn’t have even put you and others in that position Your parents are out of order too

DreamTheMoors · 31/08/2020 18:37

I’m so very sorry. I’m estranged from my family too. But I’ve come to realize that my older sister has tried the sabotage me at every turn for years. It’s envy, and I can’t think of how to stop it. I’ve tried everything. I am who I am and that’s all.
I can’t apologize for being born five years after her and I’ve come to terms with it.
I’ve got my own “family” now, who love and cherish me - they just aren’t related by blood. It took years and years to come to terms with the fact that the people who were supposed to love me the most cared nothing at all; who cheered my failures and despised my successes.

You have to ask yourself: Is this how my loved ones treat me? And do I deserve this? Is this how a family treats someone they’re supposed to love? Ask yourself how many other instances have there been? Is there a pattern?
I don’t think you should go and apologize for doing nothing wrong. They owe you an apology. I know it hurts, truly I do - be strong.
Be true to yourself and please be strong. And follow your heart.

Florencex · 31/08/2020 18:41

I think your parents have over reacted.

However if the gathering was not against the rules and quarantine not required, then no I would not have missed my sister’s wedding. You could have brought sanitiser, kept your distance from people, maybe left after the ceremony or at least early. I expect your sister was upset really.

Jack80 · 31/08/2020 18:41

They should respect your decision, I personally wouldn't have missed my sisters wedding but what comes it to account is if you have to quarantine after depending on work etc. They are being petty to me and your sister understood.

winniestone37 · 31/08/2020 18:43

They’re being horrendous- you did the right thing.

smilingontheinside · 31/08/2020 19:23

Weddings are a nightmare they seem to have lost sight of what they should be about. My dd has the right idea she is going off with her partner and two witnesses to do the legal thing then having a huge relaxed party for friends and family that want to come (once a thd Covid restrictions allow). Seems a great way to do it, they make thd commitment to each other that is the important thing and we all get to celebrate with them without any stress. I think you made the right decision for you and your family and your parents need to give their heads a wobble.

cakewench · 31/08/2020 19:24

I don't have siblings but I probably would have gone by myself. (Yes I've seen your reasoning about potentially bringing the virus home however, I think I could manage the risk myself a bit better rather than expecting three children to also socially distance, etc. It's still a chance but, well, it's your sister's wedding)

However, your 'D'M sounds unhinged. It's done now, you can't change your decision, and speaking as someone who would have done differently, I still don't think your decision was wrong.

Also your sister is having a staycation honeymoon? Is that because that's what she wants to do, or is that because of covid? Because if it's the latter, it's a bit hypocritical that she expected her wedding guests to travel to her event but isn't traveling anywhere, herself.

sallyshirt · 31/08/2020 19:55

I would have gone, but I'm in good health and can take time off with my job to quarantine.

It's done now, hopefully your sister will have had an amazing day and will understand your reasoned reasons for not attending.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 31/08/2020 20:24

I don’t understand all the “I would never have missed my sisters wedding for any reason”
This is a pandemic and OP was doing the right thing not exposing her vulnerable MIL and young family to a risk.
Pointless saying she could have gone on her own as that would still put them at risk. Other guests were ignoring quarantine What are the chances of social distancing then?

Supposing she brought it home to vulnerable MIL who cares for her children.... how would OP feel then?

As for the parents, the deed is done. What difference does punishing OP make now? Absolutely useless and spiteful guesture as it changes nothing. Don’t give into this nonsense OP
They can’t accept her motive was to protect her young family and her livelihood so they are exacting a selfish revenge.

UglyBoy19 · 31/08/2020 20:45

So by extension their 3 grandchildren are no longer part of their family either .
Oh dear - unreasonable and unpleasant of your parents. I would find that difficult to forgive.

BigBlondeBimbo · 31/08/2020 20:48

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff

I don’t understand all the “I would never have missed my sisters wedding for any reason” This is a pandemic and OP was doing the right thing not exposing her vulnerable MIL and young family to a risk. Pointless saying she could have gone on her own as that would still put them at risk. Other guests were ignoring quarantine What are the chances of social distancing then?

Supposing she brought it home to vulnerable MIL who cares for her children.... how would OP feel then?

As for the parents, the deed is done. What difference does punishing OP make now? Absolutely useless and spiteful guesture as it changes nothing. Don’t give into this nonsense OP
They can’t accept her motive was to protect her young family and her livelihood so they are exacting a selfish revenge.

I also don't understand these comments at all, but weddings do bring out the weird in people! It's like it's more important than life or death Confused. I'll never get it. Didn't get the craziness about weddings even when I was planning my own!

The thing is, if you insist on having your whole family there, don't have a wedding during a pandemic. If you insist on having a wedding during a pandemic, you may not (or should not) have your whole family there. Pays your money, makes your choice!

HenriettaH · 31/08/2020 21:00

I travelled through three countries to get to my dying mother during this chaos in March. Wild horses would not have dragged me away.... I guess it comes down to priorities.... I would have gone to a sister that I loved wedding.

ddl1 · 31/08/2020 21:02

BigBlondeBimbo:'The thing is, if you insist on having your whole family there, don't have a wedding during a pandemic. If you insist on having a wedding during a pandemic, you may not (or should not) have your whole family there. Pays your money, makes your choice!'

This. Or at any rate have only your family there, and don't invite friends or distant relatives. 100-person events are how pandemics spread - and it's not only the attendees who are at risk. I wouldn't be at ALL impressed if someone's big wedding led to my town being placed under local lockdown; and I doubt that I'd ever forgive the organizers if they caused me or someone close to me to become seriously ill!

I suspect the parents' overreaction is in part because they feel a bit guilty for encouraging and attending an event that could endanger others, and the OP's refusal reminds them that their actions could well be seen as wrong, even if within the letter of the law.

BigBlondeBimbo · 31/08/2020 21:03

@HenriettaH

I travelled through three countries to get to my dying mother during this chaos in March. Wild horses would not have dragged me away.... I guess it comes down to priorities.... I would have gone to a sister that I loved wedding.
That's quite different. And I'm so sorry to hear that about your mum Flowers.

I lost my mum a few years ago and was lucky enough to be with her at the end, by luck, as I was visiting her for a holiday and she died very suddenly and only in her fifties, so unexpected. Wild horses wouldn't have kept me from her if I'd had warning she was dying though. Sister's wedding though? Totally different.

My only married sibling fucked it all up and divorced a few years later, so, meh to weddings. Deaths are a lot more final.

ddl1 · 31/08/2020 21:11

'I travelled through three countries to get to my dying mother during this chaos in March. Wild horses would not have dragged me away.... I guess it comes down to priorities.... I would have gone to a sister that I loved wedding.'

I am very sorry about your mother.

There is, however, surely a difference between saying goodbye to a loved one and attending a big wedding.

If the sister wants all her family members there that much, then she should scale down the wedding and not put the attendees and their contacts in danger.

These sorts of big events could result in many people dying alone in hospital, without their loved ones by their side. Even if they don't die of Covid, but of something else, if a lockdown has to be imposed or re-imposed, hospitals and care homes and hospices may have to close their doors to visitors. It has already happened to too many.

Aglet · 31/08/2020 21:14

Tell your parents to grow up.

momtoboys · 31/08/2020 21:25

Did they think you were coming? Surely they were told in advance that you would not be there. Did they think you would change your mind.

I don't think you are being unreasonable but there is also no way I would miss my sisters wedding.

HenriettaH · 31/08/2020 21:43

@ddl1

'I travelled through three countries to get to my dying mother during this chaos in March. Wild horses would not have dragged me away.... I guess it comes down to priorities.... I would have gone to a sister that I loved wedding.'

I am very sorry about your mother.

There is, however, surely a difference between saying goodbye to a loved one and attending a big wedding.

If the sister wants all her family members there that much, then she should scale down the wedding and not put the attendees and their contacts in danger.

These sorts of big events could result in many people dying alone in hospital, without their loved ones by their side. Even if they don't die of Covid, but of something else, if a lockdown has to be imposed or re-imposed, hospitals and care homes and hospices may have to close their doors to visitors. It has already happened to too many.

Well thats your opinion...I guess even though death is more final....matters of the heart are equal...but thats just my opinion.
BigBlondeBimbo · 31/08/2020 21:56

I guess even though death is more final....matters of the heart are equal...but thats just my opinion.

But weddings can be postponed, or the number of guests reduced to make it safer in times like these. If I had a sister who I loved so much that my wedding wouldn't have as much meaning without her there, I would have moved it or significantly reduced the numbers of guests to make it safe for her to attend.

We had our wedding at a time which suited our important guests. No, if aunt mary had said "that date doesn't suit", we would have said "sorry aunt mary, we are still going ahead". But for beloved, close relatives, we made sure the date worked for them.

Also, seeing your relative at the end of their life doesn't involve 100 people all sitting in one room, eating and drinking, so no PPE allowed etc.

I find it impossible to equate the two scenarios.