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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Huge family fallout over wedding

167 replies

thoughtitwasright · 30/08/2020 13:43

My sister got married last weekend. I (plus DH and 3 kids) didn't attend due to situation with COVID and not feeling comfortable going to an indoor party of almost 100 (we don't live in the UK). I thought I was doing the right thing and my sister seemed to understand. However, my parents have now said I am no longer part of their family and are refusing all contact.

I know it won't make any difference but I have no one subjective to talk to and I thought I was doing the right thing.

YABU - I should have gone to the wedding
YANBU - They should respect my decision not to attend.

OP posts:

jessstan2 · 30/08/2020 17:17

Did you post about this before? If not, there was something similar recently.

Your parents are totally unreasonable given the current circumstances and they are certainly OTT saying you are no longer part of the family. That is just too ridiculous. I sincerely hope they don't mean it.

Of course it's sad that you couldn't attend your sister's wedding but it would have been totally irresponsible to travel abroad for that, even if you had been allowed to.

AfterSchoolWorry · 30/08/2020 17:18

@Sparklyring

I think they need to respect your decision but also there's no way anything would have kept me from my sisters wedding.

Ditto.

Nanny0gg · 30/08/2020 17:25

Well, they haven't just cut you off, have they? They've cut off their grandchildren too.

Hope they can live with that.

jessstan2 · 30/08/2020 17:28

I definitely think you were right, op, particularly as you have such young children. There is no way you'd have been able to keep them apart from others. You also say people were flying in from further away for the wedding.

Don't fret about it, you've done nothing wrong and your mum and dad will get over it.

Yankathebear · 30/08/2020 17:30

Your parents sound bonkers.

Redcups64 · 30/08/2020 17:36

It doesn’t really matter what I or anyone else’s thinks, you think you did the right thing so that’s the end of it.

If my parents are willing to dump me over something so mundane as that, I don’t think I could care.

I would probably call my sister though and congratulate her, send flowers and want to hear all about her big day....and make sure she is still talking to me.

AllsortsofAwkward · 30/08/2020 17:39

I would have went in youre shoes by yourself you weren't vulnerable and you could have worn a mask.

honeygirlz · 30/08/2020 17:40

In your situation I would have gone by myself and then kept away from DH and kids for 2 weeks.

Ragwort · 30/08/2020 17:40

I think you parents are being absolutely pathetic to tell you after the event that they are cutting you out of their lives, that seems such a extreme reaction. People get so wound up over weddings, one of my siblings didn't attend my wedding, I didn't attend his, none of my DH's siblings were invited to our wedding ... no hard feelings at all.

I would just ignore them if that's their reaction.

OVienna · 30/08/2020 17:41

@thoughtitwasright

I know it won't make any difference but I have no one subjective to talk to and I thought I was doing the right thing.

YABU - I should have gone to the wedding
YANBU - They should respect my decision not to attend.

I'll bet you're in the US.

So, you'll have been told it's all fine beforehand and then find out afterwards that you should have been able to guess everyone was actually pissed off at you, after you did what you explained you were going to do.

They'll probably eventually get over it.

jessstan2 · 30/08/2020 17:58

@AllsortsofAwkward

I would have went in youre shoes by yourself you weren't vulnerable and you could have worn a mask.

I had to read that twice to understand.

We wear masks to protect others, not ourselves!

The op already said she had considered going alone but it wasn't worth the risk of her carrying Covid-19 back to her family.

ddl1 · 30/08/2020 17:58

Also: I think that there are two separate questions: (1) Was the OP unreasonable not to go?; (2) Are the parents unreasonable to cut ties with her?

As regards (1), I still think that the OP was reasonable. Not only was she being asked to put herself and family at risk, but it sounds as though she would have had to travel there and back, so she could have risked bringing Covid back to her home town.

But with regard to (2): unless there is a HUGE backstory, EVEN if the OP's reasons for not attending the wedding were insufficient or unreasonable, it would be U for the parents to disown their own child on that basis. Express disappointment, yes; disown their daughter - and the entire family including grandchildren? -definitely not!!!

jessstan2 · 30/08/2020 18:00

@honeygirlz

In your situation I would have gone by myself and then kept away from DH and kids for 2 weeks.

The op's children are little, they need their mother! It would have been very selfish to do that. There are people who have had to be apart from small children because they are key workers but that is not the case here.

MyMorningHairHasItsOwnVlog · 30/08/2020 18:24

OP I admire you for making that difficult decision by staying away from the wedding. I really hope there will be no consequences from the selfish guests who didn’t quarantine.

Your parents are being very unreasonable. A wedding is only a party after all, a celebration which can include you in another setting, eg first anniversary, once the virus is no longer a threat.

Sweat it out with your parents, don’t go justifying yourself. Let them make the first move and continue to stay safe for your children and your business.

blanchmange50 · 30/08/2020 18:40

Doesnt really matter what our view is, your parents have cut you off. Clearly they believe it was safe to attend, we dont know enough details to decide whether they are correct or not. However given the wedding was in an area where they allow 100 people to gather I can only assume the covid rate is low. Hence your parents decision. I can only assume that every other guest attended apart from you- her sister

Pandacub7 · 30/08/2020 18:58

Did they have a smaller ceremony where they exchanged vows and then a different place for the large party? Couldn’t you have at least gone to the ceremony? I would be upset if one of my siblings refused to come to my wedding.

ktp100 · 30/08/2020 19:22

Your parents are being willfully ignorant, as many are at the moment.

it's your job to do what you think is best for your family, and by family I mean your DH and children.

If your Mum and Dad are prepared to turn their back on you for behaving responsibly in the midst of a global pandemic then they are the ones failing their duty, not you!

Original poster

thoughtitwasright · 30/08/2020 20:21

Have read all the comments, it does help to see some which probably reflect their point of view. I do feel utterly sh£t about not being at my sister's wedding.

For those who asked about cases, both here and there have much higher cases than the UK/100 000 and we've both had tighter rules introduced. Weddings have some kind of short term exemption at the moment so are allowed to go ahead if the couple chooses.

My DM was quite vocal in how selfish she thought it was to proceed but seems to have done a complete flip in the interim. I assume she will calm down but I have no clue. My DF just follows her lead. My sister is on her honeymoon staycation and has sent messages. She hasn't mentioned anything about our parents and I'm not making her honeymoon about family stuff so now is not the time to ask.

I'll probably leave it at that.

OP posts:

Attitude84 · 31/08/2020 17:25

I agree with you being careful and have kids to think about too. Also some airline policies may have made it difficult for you to travel as well. I’d have gone, but would have asked to be put away from everyone else. As for your family no longer speaking to you... they need to get a grip and respect your decision.

expatinspain · 31/08/2020 17:40

To cut you out completely is a massive overreaction. To be a bit miffed with you, if anything, would be more normal.

Alwaystired90 · 31/08/2020 17:43

You are not being unreasonable. Tell them if they feel that way then you don’t want to be a part of their Family anyway - oh, and to get a life.

Daisydrum · 31/08/2020 17:44

OP, I can fully understand the hurt, but it is very difficult at this current time. I think I would have made an effort to at least show my face. And then after their staycation do something for them at yours.... maybe a mini ceremony where the DC can get involved and DH can pretend to be the officiant. Something memorable and personal.
In years to come your parents will understand. It’s a very harsh and reactive response they’ve given at the moment (probably were asked by too many people where you were). But they’ve only gone and shot themselves in the foot if they want a relationship with your DC.
I hope your sister has a great staycation and you can catch up with her after.

FelicisNox · 31/08/2020 17:52

YANBU and they are pissed off because you are inadvertently showing up their poor choices.

Let them get on with it.

This is not normal or kind behaviour on their part, being upset at your absence is one thing but disowning their own child and grandkids is just disgraceful.

I assume there have been other issues? The problem is theirs not yours. You dont live near them anyway so you're missing nothing.

endlessstrife · 31/08/2020 17:57

I’m so sorry your parents have reacted this way. I know from experience, how a wedding of one of your children isn’t quite what you would have wanted, and we did lose contact for about 18months. However, we are mum and dad, and couldn’t turn our backs for long. Our problem was more complicated than yours, and in hindsight, realise the way my daughter behaved was manipulated by her MIL and best friend...but she’s my baby, and doesn’t last. I think your parents will see that, but make sure you talk it through. We never actually said we wanted nothing more to do with our daughter, time just drizzled past without us realising. You did nothing wrong.

endlessstrife · 31/08/2020 17:58

I meant the time apart doesn’t/ can’t last.

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