Huge family fallout over wedding

[thoughtitwasright]

My sister got married last weekend. I (plus DH and 3 kids) didn't attend due to situation with COVID and not feeling comfortable going to an indoor party of almost 100 (we don't live in the UK). I thought I was doing the right thing and my sister seemed to understand. However, my parents have now said I am no longer part of their family and are refusing all contact.

I know it won't make any difference but I have no one subjective to talk to and I thought I was doing the right thing.

YABU - I should have gone to the wedding
YANBU - They should respect my decision not to attend.

Are your parents usually like this? My parents would never disown me for anything, it makes me wonder what kind of folks you have.

YANBU to not attend. You have the best reason you could have. It's a global pandemic for god's sake, people are dying everyday from it.

In Maine, in early August, the virus looked under control. Under 20 new cases for the whole state every day, some days as low as 5 or 6. And it's a huge state, a good deal bigger than Ireland, with 1.3 million people.

So when people got invited to a wedding, they went. Small wedding--65 people spread out between two rooms in a hotel. In a rural place, with cabins and campground attached, seemed perfectly safe.

Well, someone there had covid. Five days later, half of the 65 people had covid. We now know that the initially infected have passed it on to at least another 95. From transmission through jobs, it's gotten into the local jail and the local nursing home. A woman died.

So no, I don't think you were being unreasonable. And if your parents do, feel free to send them this article. It's from a couple days ago, so it only says 87 total cases from this one wedding. The number was confirmed today as 123. That's how fast it spreads.

Long-duration, inside events with crowds over 50 are the fastest way to spread this thing. Your parents are entirely in the wrong.

www.npr.org/sections/coronavirus-live-updates/2020/08/28/907056812/coronavirus-outbreak-from-maine-wedding-spreads-to-jail-rehabilitation-center

@tara66

I think they were only allowed 30 guests. They should have know that. If the parents are so upset they should have discussed it at length with you before wedding and helped for some acceptable arrangement such as zoom link at reception or even just one of you attending.

They’re not in the UK though. I assume they’re allowed in whatever country the OP’s sister got married in.

No, no backstory, I would consider us to have a good relationship. We live about 3 hours apart (different country but can drive between) and have video calls at least once a week with kids and I call them separately as well. DM gets put out that I don't follow her advice on bringing up children but that's about it.

We're only allowed smaller weddings where we live but theirs was within guidelines where they are. There is no quarantine between us and we're not vulnerable, no.

Our reasons to not attend were mostly around the concern that if we both got sick at the same time as the two youngest are still totally dependent on us (toddlers) and our business is already in the sh$$ because of covid so we can't afford any time off.
There were other things like they weren't really respecting the rules (e.g. guests flying in the night before that should be doing 14 day quarantine) and DMIL had said she wouldn't be able to help with childcare for at least a week (she is vulnerable so that was fair).

The venue offered them the chance to reschedule a few times since this started but they decided to go ahead with the hope things would open up.

I did consider just me only but thought it was pointless as I'd just be bringing the risk home to my family if I did get anything. I don't think this would have alleviated things with my parents as their grandchildren still wouldn't have been there but who knows.

Parents are out of order to over-react like that, I hope for you they grow up and start acting a bit more sensibly.

That said, I wouldn't have missed my sister's wedding either, I would have at least made an appearance even without my kids, so I don't understand you either and I would have found it a bit hurtful if my siblings had refused to attend mine.

Still no acceptable reason to throw all your toys out of the pram!

@oakleaffy

A gathering of 100 sounds like 95 too many.

Why didn't they postpone the wedding?...{Shotgun wedding?!}

Do you live in the 1950s?

We're only allowed smaller weddings where we live but theirs was within guidelines where they are. There is no quarantine between us and we're not vulnerable, no.

Given that, I’d be really sad if I were your sister and you (alone) hadn’t come. It’s not your parents’ battle to have though.

But did you spell it out to your parents and sister early on when she was offered the chance to reschedule that even if legally it was OK to go ahead and most guests could/would go, you wouldn't?!

That seems to be the crucial issue.

If your parents felt you left it until it was too late to do anything to make it clear you wouldn't go, even if legally you could, then I'm not surprised they are hurt.

That's difficult.

They were breaking local guidelines, with guests not quarantining after arrival.

If I'd desperately wanted my sister at my wedding, I'd have discussed the arrangements and made it smaller so she felt able to come.

With your other issues, it seems reasonable that you didn't feel able to go, and is really unkind of your dm to make threats like that.

We're only allowed smaller weddings where we live but theirs was within guidelines where they are. There is no quarantine between us and we're not vulnerable, no.

In that case I would have gone. While I don't think NC with you is acceptable at all, I'd have expected you to attend my wedding if you were my sister and I am not sure I could have understood if you didn't come.

Assuming that the reason is just Covid, and that there is no backstory, your parents' behaviour is disgusting. Why should you be required to risk your own and your family's health for a party with 100 people? I don't know where you live, but in the UK right now you are not allowed to have more than 30 guests at a wedding. If it was of such importance to your sister to have all her family at her wedding, she should have made it family-only to reduce the risk: I know people who've done that.

Here's another excellent article, this time from a more local newspaper.

Everyone got a temp check at the door. People from out of state took a test. No one was showing symptoms. It happened anyway. That's why this disease is so fucking scary.

bangordailynews.com/2020/08/29/news/how-a-single-wedding-changed-the-complexion-of-maines-coronavirus-outbreak/

I'm not paranoid. I go about life as I can as I do. But I would never, in a million years, ask guests to congregate inside for hours, nor would I attend a similar event. Not yet These superspreader events aren't unique to this one Maine wedding. They've happened at funerals, at parties, at bars. A 175-person conference in Boston in February, when people didn't really have a sense of what this would become, seeded at least 10,000 cases around the globe.

If you can stand the very annoying format of the article, this is a fascinating story about events and what they have wrought:

www.nytimes.com/interactive/2020/08/28/us/covid-virus-cluster.html

Again, YANBU.

I think you dud the right thing and your parents sound awful. Mine would never cut me off no matter what I did, you sound best rid of them.
It's such a flimsy excuse to cut off contact, you don't need that poison in your life. If they're not usually like this just leave them to it till they calm down and let them come to you. I love all my family but would totally have missed my sister's wedding at the moment if she was stupid enough to have one x

I wouldnt have gone. Your parents are well over reactiing. Leave them to it.
Can you imagine having to explain to someone why you don't speak to your daughter and its because she didn't attend a wedding in a pandemic. So pathetic lol

@BigBlondeBimbo

YANBU at all. There is no way I'd have gone, unless you're somewhere with very low case numbers and R rate?

With people normally travelling to weddings it doesn't matter where the wedding is, it is where the guests are coming from.

I wouldn't have been at any 100 person indoor party during a pandemic either.

OP just stick to your guns, your mum will come round eventually, especially if your sister is ok with it.

Your Parents response is not proportionate to the event you missed, given the global circumstances we are all experiences.

Only a DICK would want you to expose your family to Covid for the sake of a ceremonial Wedding, christ have these people been living underground for 6 months.

Interesting that they're only calling you out 'after' the event knowing they are not infected and all survived, I imagine they'd not be cutting you off if they all got infected and were very ill right ?

Screw them, close the door and don't look back

There were other things like they weren't really respecting the rules (e.g. guests flying in the night before that should be doing 14 day quarantine)

So they were only following the guidelines that suited them? I wouldn't have gone either.

100 people in this current situation is madness

We're only allowed smaller weddings where we live but theirs was within guidelines where they are. There is no quarantine between us and we're not vulnerable, no.

But there were guests who should have been quarantining so guidelines are out the window.

You were obviously reasonable not to go if you don't want the risk and need childcare from MIL to work afterwards. Weddings are often big spreading events and the virus doesn't care if it's your sister. No point not bringing the family, to no safer to go alone.

Your parents sound awful.

Your parents are being unreasonable, even if they were reasonable to be upset about you not going (which they weren't imo) the nature of their reaction speaks volumes. I would completely ifnore their message and not respond to them at all. This can't be out of the blue...they must have always been difficult?

Based on your update, I still think YANBU. Take them at their word and don't bother with them until they have sorted themselves out. They sound like awful parents and pretty awful people to cut their own child (and grandchildren?) out of their lives for something so small. Leave them to it. They sound like the sort of parents and grandparents you might be better off without .

Ok given the update I would have gone. There will be people all over who should be self isolating or quarantined that aren’t. We can’t avoid every risk of exposure.
Given the event itself was within guidelines, you are not vulnerable and able to travel and it’s for your sister, on balance I think YABU.

Your parents are ott, however so are some posters here. Not everywhere is fucked like UK, many places have basically gone to normal, people are back to work etc.
So no, it doesn't have to be madness and it absolutely has no bearing on it that UK has only 30 people limit...

I assume there is some back story. No parent with good relationship with their child just cuts them off like this.

I think yanbu, it was an invitation. Your parents sound rather unkind.

even if the gathering was legal, I think YANBU to tell them how you felt about not going.

Many of us are in a rather fragile state at the moment, coming out of lockdown only slowly.

The best teachers and staff in our school, for example understand that kids returning to school may have emotional or practical hurdles.

I for one don't feel the same about going out or going out to eat in restaurant as before Covid. I'm trying to be gentle with myself. Please do the same. Kind regards

No parent with good relationship with their child just cuts them off like this.

Honestly, you'd be surprised. People are completely unhinged when it comes to weddings, as evidenced by the many threads on here. To any nice, normal person, this wouldn't be a big deal, but there's always some utter fuckwit who would find it "totally unforgivable wail gnash teeth, if a close family member miss my wedding "..