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AIBU?

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Original poster

Huge family fallout over wedding

167 replies

thoughtitwasright · 30/08/2020 13:43

My sister got married last weekend. I (plus DH and 3 kids) didn't attend due to situation with COVID and not feeling comfortable going to an indoor party of almost 100 (we don't live in the UK). I thought I was doing the right thing and my sister seemed to understand. However, my parents have now said I am no longer part of their family and are refusing all contact.

I know it won't make any difference but I have no one subjective to talk to and I thought I was doing the right thing.

YABU - I should have gone to the wedding
YANBU - They should respect my decision not to attend.

OP posts:
MrsClatterbuck · 30/08/2020 15:57

I may be wrong but it sounds like you Steven the RIO and the wedding was in NO as no quarantine is required between the two. Also weddings in the north are allowed more than 30 as it is up to the venue what they will allow. There was a furore last week after video footage was leaked showing guests dancing at a wedding. There was definitely no social distancing in place. I'm with you op. If you were not comfortable attending that was ok. But surely this is between you and your sister.

MrsClatterbuck · 30/08/2020 15:58

ROI and NI

ivfdreaming · 30/08/2020 15:59

I was generally in support of your decision based on your opening post but your update makes me think you were being a bit unreasonable - the wedding was to your countries guidelines and you aren't vulnerable......so you do have a touch of a "covid martyr" about you

OrchidJewel · 30/08/2020 16:01

@MrsClatterbuck

ROI and NI
My thoughts too, if it is YANBU as I'm sick of hearing about large weddings/funerals here. Look at Kildare, all on the rise again
MostlyAmbridgeandcoffee · 30/08/2020 16:02

I guess you’ve been nice and rule abiding but there’s no way I would have missed my sister’s wedding

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 30/08/2020 16:03

my parents have now said I am no longer part of their family and are refusing all contact.

For not attending a wedding? There is nothing a child of mine could do which would make me cut them off completely. And for a trivial issue like this (and yes, in the scheme of things weddings are trivial) they are taking things to ridiculous extremes. A PP pointed out - and this is also my observation - that weddings have a nasty habit of turning people whackadoo. In reality the only people they're really important to are the bride and groom.

If this were me, I'd take my parents at their word. If this is a heat-of-the-moment tantrum they may well cool down and will regret it once the effect of not having a relationship with their grandchildren begins to make itself felt. And if this is an attempt at emotional blackmail, to make you fall at their feet with grovelling apologies, then silence is the best response. Please don't teach them that this is an acceptable way to treat you, or provide rewards to them for doing so, or you'll be setting a very uncomfortable precedent for the future.

They may come around, or they may not. And this will not be what you want to hear while you're still reeling from their extraordinary behaviour. But if they don't, you're better off without this level of emotional blackmail and histrionics in your life. You truly are.

Sending lots of positivity your way. I know how much this kind of rejection hurts. Flowers

BigBlondeBimbo · 30/08/2020 16:13

@MrsClatterbuck

I may be wrong but it sounds like you Steven the RIO and the wedding was in NO as no quarantine is required between the two. Also weddings in the north are allowed more than 30 as it is up to the venue what they will allow. There was a furore last week after video footage was leaked showing guests dancing at a wedding. There was definitely no social distancing in place. I'm with you op. If you were not comfortable attending that was ok. But surely this is between you and your sister.
Oh, I didn't know that about NI! I hear cases are really on the rise there as well? Hmmmm these big events might end up being quite a big deal. Isn't there a special rate for it? A K rate. Is that it? Like with Cheltenham? Imagine if that was your wedding! Yikes.
JennieLee · 30/08/2020 16:14

I should have thought most venues could set up for people to join a wedding via video link now. I know funerals get webcast. Covid-19 seems to have given people a new way to get Bridezilla or ParentsofBridezilla.

I think most sane people are either putting off weddings or - if they want to go ahead - planning, smaller, simpler weddings.

If family members cannot understand other people's vulnerability and the particular caring responsibilities they have, then that is a great shame.

Terrace58 · 30/08/2020 16:15

Your sister should have done the right thing and shrunk the wedding.

TorgosPizza · 30/08/2020 16:18

If you spoke to your sister about it beforehand and she understood that you weren't refusing to attend for some personal reason (not caring about her), it's really none of your parents' business-- especially if they waited until after the wedding to speak to you about it.

Even if your sister was privately very upset that you weren't attending and had gone to your parents for a sympathetic ear, they're behaving ridiculously. It's a massive overreaction to disown someone because they didn't feel safe attending a wedding during a pandemic.

There must be something very off in the parent-child relationship for them to have such an extreme reaction to one "transgression", even if they view it as such.

BigBlondeBimbo · 30/08/2020 16:20

There is a K rate, but it isn't quite what I said; it is to do with super spreaders and how the virus spreads. It is to do with events...sort of, because they can't exactly hunt down super spreaders, but they can prevent large events happening where they might inadvertently spread it to a large number of people. I think that's it .

Devilishpyjamas · 30/08/2020 16:21

I would probably have done the same as you OP. But I would have thought a family member insane for trying to hold a big wedding during the pandemic. If they choose to do that then they have to expect that some people are not going to be comfortable with it, whatever the rules.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/08/2020 16:24

@ivfdreaming

I was generally in support of your decision based on your opening post but your update makes me think you were being a bit unreasonable - the wedding was to your countries guidelines and you aren't vulnerable......so you do have a touch of a "covid martyr" about you
Except people who were meant to be quarantining were coming straight to the wedding, and this meant that their childcare was at risk. Would op have booked a weeks holiday to cover childcare because the guests didn't follow the rules?
VintageStitchers · 30/08/2020 16:25

I wouldn’t have gone in your shoes either OP. If the sister had had a smaller ‘do’ with about 12 people, fair enough, but 100 indoor guests during Covid is like playing Russian roulette with other people’s lives.

Maybe when some of the guests are diagnosed with Covid and it’s traced back to the wedding, your parents might see sense and accept that you made a sensible decision, but probably not.

2pinkginsplease · 30/08/2020 16:38

what an over reaction from your parents! They are being ridiculous.

For what it’s worth I wouldn’t have gone either, it’s madness !

altiara · 30/08/2020 16:41

Have you spoken to your sister?

zingally · 30/08/2020 16:44

You are perfectly entitled to make that choice - and your parents are being super $hitty about it.

But that being said, global pandemic or not, nothing would have kept me from my sister's wedding.

ilovemydogandmrobama2 · 30/08/2020 16:46

Your sister understood

And that's all that matters...

Flowers
DisgruntledGuineaPig · 30/08/2020 16:49

Is your parents reaction definitely down to you not attending, or how you messaged this?

You said your sister had several chances to reschedule, did you make it clear then that you wouldn't go this summer? Not a "well, I might not be allowed to travel" but a "even if I can travel to the wedding, I won't if its big wedding this summer." ?

Did you tell your parents this at the time and tried to get them to see you wouldnt be coming, or was this not discussed with them until just before the wedding?

If she knew back in say June that you would not go to her wedding, then she would have time to reschedule. If you left it that you might not be able to go, but would if you could, then everyone could be forgiven for thinking you would be there as you could go.

If its still a bit raw for your parents, they may calm down and think they've been a bit silly in a couple of days. They might not have been prepared for you not being there.

Its so very important to be clear with things like weddings.

Let everyone calm down. Can you have your sister and her new DH stay in a few weeks time?

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 30/08/2020 16:52

Your parents sound like twats.

Sorry, OP. But they do.

Whym · 30/08/2020 17:04

I probably would have gone with it being my sisters wedding but I understand where you are coming from. I’m surprised they were allowed so many guests?

Heffalooomia · 30/08/2020 17:06

DM gets put out that I don't follow her advice on bringing up children
maybe the 'good' relationship is conditional upon you deferring to her?

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 30/08/2020 17:08

I think given none of you are vulnerable and it wasn’t breaking any rules that at least you should have gone. The reasons not to seem quite weak.

That said saying you are no longer part of the family is an over reaction.

serialreturner · 30/08/2020 17:12

They - and anyone who approved or attended the wedding are the ones being MASSIVELY unreasonable. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

It's idiots like this who are/will push the R rate up.

Look, I know it's shit but so much better than a higher COVID rate.

You did the right thing, OP.

"Mum and Dad

I'm sorry that you feel that way but I was making the right decision for my family.

I wish you well"

OP

katy1213 · 30/08/2020 17:16

Yes, they sound like twats! And it's between you and your sister anyway.