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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Huge family fallout over wedding

167 replies

thoughtitwasright · 30/08/2020 13:43

My sister got married last weekend. I (plus DH and 3 kids) didn't attend due to situation with COVID and not feeling comfortable going to an indoor party of almost 100 (we don't live in the UK). I thought I was doing the right thing and my sister seemed to understand. However, my parents have now said I am no longer part of their family and are refusing all contact.

I know it won't make any difference but I have no one subjective to talk to and I thought I was doing the right thing.

YABU - I should have gone to the wedding
YANBU - They should respect my decision not to attend.

OP posts:

TheHappyHerbivore · 30/08/2020 15:00

I think you could have compromised - you could have gone and your DH stayed at home with the kids, for example. I can’t imagine how devastated I would have been if my sister had missed my wedding.

That said I also think your parents are OTT to have cut you off - it would take a lot more than that for mine to do the same.

RuggerHug · 30/08/2020 15:04

It's done now (And I would have done the same as you). Did your sister know beforehand that you weren't going and have you spoken to her since? Your parents can't dictate that no one speak to you. Ring your sister.

diddl · 30/08/2020 15:04

I would have tried to go to the ceremony I think.

That said-why on earth have your parents reacted so badly?

Is your sister the favourite & she's been complaining?

D4rwin · 30/08/2020 15:06

That is a huge ott reaction from your parents. I'd probably respond to tell them I thought it was very dramatic but I would respect their choice. And ride it out for a while.

I take it you sent a card, gift etc for your sister and new BIL?

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 30/08/2020 15:06

Just because something is legal, that doesn't mean it's a good idea.

ItsIslandTime · 30/08/2020 15:07

Did this kick off before the wedding? Did you parents know you weren’t attending?

I might have gone on my own and just attended to ceremony. I’d wear a mask etc. Depends though.

Inkpaperstars · 30/08/2020 15:09

It sounds a high enough risk event to be well worth avoiding to me. That is not relevant though.
Whether you could have reasonably gone or been expected to go is totally beside the point now.

No remotely reasonable parent disowns their child and grandchildren over this and sends such an immature and manipulative message. It's so out there it's barely believable.

No doubt if your parents were in your position they would be cutting contact and having a tantrum that the wedding wasn't postponed until a time they could confidently attend.

The nature of their response is a more valid reason to cut contact that your not going to the wedding.

What on earth is your sister's role or reaction in all this?

I know you say there is no backstory, if that is true then one or both of your parents need medical assessment.

Highlytrainedflunky · 30/08/2020 15:09

I think your sister is more upset then she is letting on

PurpleDaisies · 30/08/2020 15:11

@Highlytrainedflunky

I think your sister is more upset then she is letting on

Yes, I totally agree with this.

Annonymiss123 · 30/08/2020 15:14

@Disfordarkchocolate

For my Sister I would have considered going to just the ceremony on my own. I wouldn't have gone as a family or gone to an indoor reception.

This is what I'd have done.

diddl · 30/08/2020 15:15

@Highlytrainedflunky

I think your sister is more upset then she is letting on

Yup-but then isn't it up the the sister to cut Op off if she's so upset.

I've been married twice-sibling didn't come to either!

Couldn't get time off/afford flight/work commitments.

I thought it was shit of them tbh, but no way would parents have been drawn in/taken sides.

MillyMollyFarmer · 30/08/2020 15:16

You’re not being unreasonable, it’s a massive overreaction from your parents, quite shocking thing for parents to do honestly. I wouldn’t of gone either.

Kb28 · 30/08/2020 15:16

My brother was due to get married in October...he has now postponed it but before he did I was planning to tell him I couldn’t go or would only be there for the ceremony as I’m pregnant and felt nervous about being at a large gathering.

I think it has to be an individual choice at the minute and people shouldn’t feel pressured into attending something they aren’t comfortable with. I’m sorry your parents have reacted in this way.

catherinep80 · 30/08/2020 15:20

YANBU for sure. Although my sister would be extremely disappointed if we were a similar situation and I decided not to attend her wedding, I know she wouldn't disown me either. And my parents wouldn't disown me either - what kind of people do that?

My family definitely wouldn't hold a big wedding at a time like this though. It's not fair to put people under pressure to attend an event that people might feel uncomfortable attending in the current circumstances.

birdy124 · 30/08/2020 15:22

I think if anyone has a wedding in this situation they cannot take ppl declining an invitation personally. It's pretty insane to hold a large event these days.

I don't understand your parents, that's a bizarre reaction. Even if it was normal times and for some reason I didn't go to my sisters wedding, they would never cut me off. are you from a culture where weddings are super important ?

SnackSizeRaisin · 30/08/2020 15:24

Yanbu.
If your sister wanted family there above all else, she should have discussed the timing and number of guests with you. She could have had a family only wedding with a separate party. If she arranged everything and invited you as an ordinary guest, then it's just an invitation and you were free to turn it down.
By inviting 100 guests she's prioritised them over her family, so you are not obliged to sacrifice everything so that you can attend!

user1487194234 · 30/08/2020 15:26

I have to say there is no way I would have missed my sister's wedding
But what is done is done
I would try and keep the communication channels open and am sure they will come round
Part of the problem is the more you try and justify not going the more you are criticising them for going ahead

cologne4711 · 30/08/2020 15:27

OP I would have gone and did go to a wedding in March on the very last day you could have had such a gathering in the UK. However, the bride told us about 21 people dropped out fairly last minute (probably 1/4 or so of the guests).

That does not mean that your parents aren't being completely unreasonable and need to grow up. And it wasn't their wedding, it was your sister's and she is ok about it.

Each person needs to make their own decisions in these cases. Just because something is lawful or legal, doesn't mean it is necessarily advisable.

cologne4711 · 30/08/2020 15:28

Couldn't get time off/afford flight/work commitments

I thought it was shit of them tbh, but no way would parents have been drawn in/taken sides

If they couldn't get time off work, why was it bad of them not to attend? Did you think they should have risked losing their job and bankrupt themselves for flights they couldn't afford?

People really do have funny views on weddings.

SunshineCake · 30/08/2020 15:29

YANBU and your parents are being silly. Are they more worried about how it looks to people who don't matter than respecting your sensible choice ?

diddl · 30/08/2020 15:33

@cologne4711

Couldn't get time off/afford flight/work commitments

I thought it was shit of them tbh, but no way would parents have been drawn in/taken sides

If they couldn't get time off work, why was it bad of them not to attend? Did you think they should have risked losing their job and bankrupt themselves for flights they couldn't afford?

People really do have funny views on weddings.

Well they did have the time have the time off but someone became ill & they decided to work (didn't have to)

Rhine · 30/08/2020 15:35

One thing I’ve discovered over the last year or so is that perfectly rational people lose all sense of perspective over weddings. They seem to bring out the worst in a lot of people.

If there’s no backstory I’d be inclined to message your parents, tell them to get a grip and then leave them stew. If they’d rather lose contact with their children and grandchildren that’s their loss, though I’d hazard a guess and say they will be feeling silly and embarrassed very soon.

TitianaTitsling · 30/08/2020 15:37

We're only allowed smaller weddings where we live but theirs was within guidelines where they are. There is no quarantine between us and we're not vulnerable, no.
How did you convey you weren't going? Was a big issue made of it that overshadowed the wedding planning,?

AcrossthePond55 · 30/08/2020 15:39

Your parents are dicks for cutting. I wouldn't have gone, because I am NOT a dick and I don't want to be responsible for even one person getting covid.

If I was wavering, I'd probably look at the guidelines where I live and the guidelines for where the event was and abide by the strictest set. So, sounds to me as if you were abiding by the guidelines where you live. That's the right thing to do.

Contrariwise, if things had 'slackened' where I lived but where the event was had stricter guidelines I still would not have gone.

Inkpaperstars · 30/08/2020 15:52

Maybe you should contact your parents saying....

I am very sad to hear this. You've obviously lost your minds. Do get back in touch if you ever find them.

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