To think going to ruin DC's life?

[ladylouanna]

DC 10 month old. I love him immensely but i can't help but feel he would be better off without me in his life.

I'd like to point out that I'm not depressed, these aren't feelings of post natal depression. These are genuine thoughts and feelings that I'm not a good mum and the complete fear of DC ending up like me.

I hate myself. This isn't a sympathy post, i'm not looking for some loving or kind words.

I genuinely hate myself. I hate the way I look. I hate my size.
Some people are overweight but they still look great, good hair, nice dress sense.

That's not me. I'm not pretty, I'm overweight and I dress in plain stretchy fat person clothes. I have flat limp hair.

I don't make the effort with friends because I hate how I look and feel like I have nothing to offer. Why would anyone want a friend that looks the way I do?!

I feel angry all the time. I feel like I do such a bad job at being a mum.
I took DC to the park yesterday and he was really upset.

I instantly felt like such a bad mum.
He was tired and I shouldn't have taken him when he was tired. What kind of a mum does that? I know he likes to nap in his cot so why didn't I let him nap there and then take him?!

I just knew everyone was judging me.
I was so awful to myself all the way home, name calling, bringing myself down.
It's like self harm, but mentally.

We went to the cost yesterday, I asked Hubby to take a pic of me and DC.
It was awful, definitely not one I will keep.
Other mums look great, I look like a pit bull terrier.

I can't be a mum to this gorgeous boy because I don't deserve him.

I've tried losing weight as I know that would help me massively, but I can't.
I'm addicted to food.

I don't want DC to ever be miserable like me. He's so happy and content i want him to be like that always but having me as his mum will just ruin him. 😔

It definitely sounds like you should probably have a chat to your GP I think and see what they advise. And/or it may be useful to see what counseling services are available in your area that you can self refer to. You don't have to be clinically depressed to potentially benefit from talking to a trained professional.

Fingers crossed for you that you're able to find something to help you out of how you're currently feeling. Regardless of what you think you're the only mum he's got so you're incredibly important to him. If you work on making yourself happy and healthy you'll hopefully find everything else slots into place.

Therapy therapy therapy therapy. I cannot stress to you enough how much you don’t need to live feeling like this, and just how much a therapist can help you work through these feelings.

It is worth cutting almost anything from your budget for the sake of paying for therapy. It is absolutely life changing and you wouldn’t believe just how many people would really, seriously benefit from it.

I feel for you I really do. Nobody wants to be down this path of self loathing and destruction. What I will say is, irrespective of how much you love your son.. Losing weight, getting healthy, doing what you can to make yourself feel better.. It all has to be done for you.. There's no point doing it for anyone else.. It's got to come from within.. Do you have a garden at home, you could try some light exercise in there and maybe just slowly reduce down portion sizes and eat better, healthier foods.. The foods we all love are wonderful but they aren't filling that's why we just carry on eating and eating. I know when I have eaten a Maccas I still feel empty! At my heaviest I was 15 stone, I am now 10.5stones, that was a combination of hard work at the gym prior to becoming pregnant and then breastfeeding and now running around after my LO.. I have a step tracker on my phone.. On a good day just in the house I can do 11000 steps. You have to feel ready to do it for yourself and feel that you deserve to feel better and lead a happier life, I don't believe you're quite there yet because of this self loathing.. But once you are, you'll do it. I'm a great believer of moments in time making you realise and you suddenly have an epiphany and want to change your life. Take a small step each day to do something to make yourself feel better before you think about anything else.. Happy mum equals happy child ❤️

Yes and definitely therapy as the others have mentioned x

You ARE depressed, don't blame yourself about it, get help.

He's only 10 months old, you have more than enough time to turn your life around! If you can't do it alone, which is normal, just get help.

I am sorry you are feeling down - not liking your appearance is a common thing amongst mums! Am I right in thinking your whole world revolves around your son? Have you considered that your son doesn’t care two hoots what you look like? Children are the one gift in our lives where they love us unconditionally regardless of what we look like and our failings. I am super chubby and my daughter gets upset at the idea of me losing weight (for health reasons) as she is worried I won’t be as cuddly anymore. We are beautiful to our children just as they are beautiful to us. Let you son enjoy his mummy - please speak to a GP as you definately have low self esteem. You are being very unkind to yourself - to the point of you seem to be bullying yourself - did anyone else bully you at a time in your life?

Everything you’re saying sounds like depression to me - mine manifests very similarly with the self-loathing, feeling useless, hating the way I look, berating myself etc.

I second those saying to speak to your GP. Anti-depressants and therapy have both helped me.

@SantaClaritaDiet

You ARE depressed, don't blame yourself about it, get help.*

I'm not depressed!

I just hate myself. I'm not sad, or down.
I just do not like who I am.

You are being very unkind to yourself - to the point of you seem to be bullying yourself - did anyone else bully you at a time in your life

No. They didn't.
I do bully myself. It's awful the way I treat myself. But I don't know how to treat myself any differently.

Depressed or not, if it was that easy to change, you would have done it.

Please just accept that it's too hard on your own and seek help. No one has to dislike their appearance for ever nowadays, there are so many ways to change!

You are the best person for your child, don't ever doubt it.

It was a step to write what you feel, please take the next one.

You took him to the park, you took him to the coast, you're doing your best to give him interesting experiences. OK, he wanted to nap and it didn't work out - I promise, this has happened to literally every mum. Best laid plans and all that.

You do sound depressed - your view of things isn't matching up to the external reality, maybe because of something going on internally. Please chat to a health visitor or GP about how you are feeling.

To your son you are the most beautiful person in the world, all he sees when he looks at you is his mummy.
You do need some professional help though. You are unable to say if you have/don't have depression or another mental illness until it has been diagnosed by a health professional but that level hatred for yourself is very concerning. Please tell the GP how you are feeling.

You need to get some help with how you treat yourself. It's a form of self harm. It's not healthy to feel this level of dislike towards yourself. It seems like you can only ever see the bad in yourself and never the good. Some sort of therapy addressing why you do this would hopefully help you and give you the tools to be kinder to yourself.

As for you little boy, to him you will be the most fun, lovely, beautiful person in the world. You need help trying to see yourself through his eyes. You say he's a happy and contented baby, most of which is no doubt down to the love and care that you give to him so don't doubt your abilities as a mother.

I hope you get some help and find some love for yourself.

I don't know what definition of depression you're using, but your descriptions are what depression is. Genuine thoughts and feelings of self-loathing.

Are you suggesting that the depth of self-loathing and self-punishment you experience does not involve any pain or sadness at all? You describe yourself as "miserable" in your op.

Are you afraid that if this is depression that means what you're experiencing is not real? Will be invalidated? That you'll be considered crazy?

Depression is just a label used to group particular experiences and to make it easier to identify the most appropriate ways to tackle the difficulties they cause.

This is such a sad way to live. I agree you should speak to someone - a gp or a therapist. Your boy will love you so much, you’re his only mum in the universe! Is your partner supportive, have you told them how you feel?

Please get help OP, you are depressed. Also if you were a bad mum you wouldn't care which you very clearly do. Also remember that your little boy doesn't care less if your overweight or not a supermodel, you're just his mummy and his whole world.

A couple of things that may interest you- when I am depressed I feel as though I am finally being clear sighted and rational, and that the rest of the time I've got rose tinted spectacles on.

I'm not saying it's true for you, just that is what it's like for me.

With regards to being a bad mum, you recognised your tot was tired and understood they weren't enjoying the playground. That's good. Some parents aren't aware of their child's emotions or needs, or don't want to put them first.
You are able to do that, so well done to you.

Your little boy needs you, not a random slim pretty woman. You.

Honestly - you've just described depression.

I've got diagnosed and medicated depression. I'm not sad either. Its a common misconception that depression = sadness.

Maybe not depression but it sounds like you're stuck in a really healthy thought pattern. Please try to seek some help

You say you son is happy and content - that’s because YOU’VE made him feel that way. The love you feel for him is obvious from your post, use that love to speak to your GP about how you’re feeling, even if you don’t feel at this stage it will be beneficial. You can feel better than this xxxx

You sound like you're a great mum and doing a great job.

Babies sometimes don't follow the script it's no reflection on you.

Please speak to your doc.

First off we all have days when we feel like terrible parents, we all have days when we feel like we look like a beached whale, we all have days when we get life wrong. However these are just days and not every day, if you feel like this every day then you need to get some support. Visit your GP and say what you have here, there is help out there. Your child loves and needs you and you can find joy in being a mum. No one is ever a perfect parent, but with support and self care you can be the best one possible most days. Take back control of your mental health and the rest will fall into place.

Hating yourself is connected with depression. My GP was very kind when I felt like this. I've been given Sertaline and those feelings have completely gone.

I think you're being a great mum, but you will be a happier mum if you can make progress with the things you are angry about.

If this is all related to weight and looks, then go to your GP and talk seriously about weight loss support. Can they refer to a nutritionist? Would you qualify for surgery? What support can you get as loosing weight on your own is really really hard.

But you can actually do it if you can pull all the right things together to help. You have to really want to change though, and it can be done.

I can't say whether you're depressed or not, but in your own words you are addicted to food, so something is causing or manifesting through that addiction. Tell your Gp and they will help you I promise.

If you're anywhere near me we're having a party to cheer my sister up who is going through similar issues. You're welcome to attend. I live in Teesside.

And anyone can look great fat. Your weight is not the issue. Never had been and never will be. Trust me, I've been every size from a six to a 24. I was happiest when I learned to accept to myself and got treatment for my depression. You do sound depressed.