To think going to ruin DC's life?

[ladylouanna]

DC 10 month old. I love him immensely but i can't help but feel he would be better off without me in his life.

I'd like to point out that I'm not depressed, these aren't feelings of post natal depression. These are genuine thoughts and feelings that I'm not a good mum and the complete fear of DC ending up like me.

I hate myself. This isn't a sympathy post, i'm not looking for some loving or kind words.

I genuinely hate myself. I hate the way I look. I hate my size.
Some people are overweight but they still look great, good hair, nice dress sense.

That's not me. I'm not pretty, I'm overweight and I dress in plain stretchy fat person clothes. I have flat limp hair.

I don't make the effort with friends because I hate how I look and feel like I have nothing to offer. Why would anyone want a friend that looks the way I do?!

I feel angry all the time. I feel like I do such a bad job at being a mum.
I took DC to the park yesterday and he was really upset.

I instantly felt like such a bad mum.
He was tired and I shouldn't have taken him when he was tired. What kind of a mum does that? I know he likes to nap in his cot so why didn't I let him nap there and then take him?!

I just knew everyone was judging me.
I was so awful to myself all the way home, name calling, bringing myself down.
It's like self harm, but mentally.

We went to the cost yesterday, I asked Hubby to take a pic of me and DC.
It was awful, definitely not one I will keep.
Other mums look great, I look like a pit bull terrier.

I can't be a mum to this gorgeous boy because I don't deserve him.

I've tried losing weight as I know that would help me massively, but I can't.
I'm addicted to food.

I don't want DC to ever be miserable like me. He's so happy and content i want him to be like that always but having me as his mum will just ruin him. 😔

I don’t want to make this post about me and my experience but I too felt the way you did. I don’t think I ever liked myself. But it got worse and worse over time. When I was pregnant I felt like a superhero. I was growing a life and felt invincible. This feeling kept up for maybe a year after pregnancy. Then it ebbed and I went back to my general self loathing. I got pregnant again this time with my son and whatever way my hormones went everything I had ever felt about myself was now maximised. I covered up mirrors in the house, refused photos. Rarely left the house because I was convinced people were pointing and talking about me. After I had my son I went into a spiral of depression but I was unable to be helped because I was so convinced I was not depressed. My gp broached the subject one day and I walked out of the surgery and refused to go back. It’s only years later looking back that I see how badly depressed I really was.
In the end I sought therapy because I didn’t want my children growing up with a mum who hated herself so much. I felt like I was always on the outside of things, never really feeling anything if that makes sense. Anyway I went to therapy but make it clear I was not there for depression. I was not depressed was my mantra.

I wish at the time I hadn’t been so scared of being depressed. I could have gotten medication to help me rather than suffering alone for so long. The therapy definitely helped and I managed to get past my self loathing.
Please seek out someone to talk too.

PPs have covered loads but just in response to your last message - waiting times are fairly reasonable at the minute in a lot of places for NHS counselling (likely over the phone). If you click with your GP they may be able to follow you up every few weeks if there’s a wait for counselling - especially if they think medication will help there’ll review you regularly.

@category12

Can you afford to go privately if there's a long waiting list?

It really is worth investing the money in yourself if you reasonably can.

@category12

I can, but I've just been looking at the services in my area and priority is given to anyone with a child under 1 year old.
So perhaps the wait won't be too long.

They will offer you medication straight away and put you on the cbt waiting list. Make sure you tell them this is an ongoing self esteem problem.

Honestly everything you say just screams clinical depression. Think if it like your mind constantly lying to you. It's the worst thing ever. Talking therapy takes time sometimes a lot of time so please don't see this as a cop out - it's not. It will save your life.

@ladylouanna

I can relate to all of the above. 😔
I'm employed, on maternity leave but I've always thought I'm shit at my job too.

It feels like a relief being off of work right now. It was torture for me having to walk through the office. I would convince myself everyone was looking at me and laughing or gossiping. 😔

The list was how my depression presented. I didn't feel particularly sad and put on a brave face in front of people so nobody knew. It was eventually that one of my friends essentially dragged me to see the GP (I thought she was just trying to palm me off so she didn't have to deal with me.) I was put on ADs and still didn't think it was depression and that it wouldn't work.

It was maybe four months later when I went to the hairdresser and got my hair chopped off (after not going for almost two years). I started to lose a bit of weight because I was comfort eating less, although I did still have the odd binge. A short while later I realised that my boss had said something hadn't been done properly and my brain didn't immediately think "It was you, she's talking about you, everyone thinks it was you. You're going to get fired!" I think after about 6 or 7 months I remember looking on a mirror and liking how a dress looked on me, which would NEVER have happened before.

It's not easy and it's not a quick fix. I had to have my medication adjusted etc but the difference was amazing.

@slashlover

It was you, she's talking about you, everyone thinks it was you. You're going to get fired!*

Gosh I do this all the time. I really am so so unkind to myself.

Gosh I do this all the time. I really am so so unkind to myself.

It's disordered thinking and once you get into the pattern, it's almost impossible to get yourself out of it without help. For example, the word 'almost' in the previous sentence would have sent me spiraling because 'almost' implies that some people could do it and I couldn't because of how useless I was. Most people would read the 'almost impossible' part as very, very few people are able to do it.

Does that make sense?

Start with the GP. I wrote a letter to take with me because I knew I would get upset and forget some things. Write how you feel about yourself, write about your emotions, be completely honest. I even ended mine by saying that I was really sorry to be bothering them with this when they had 'actual sick' people to see.

I’m exactly the same when I’m going through a depressive episode, convinced I have no personality, redeeming features whatsoever. Therapy & anti-depressants help, and unfortunately so does exercise which is the last thing I felt like doing. There’s a book called 21 Rituals which helped me, and I started doing something ‘good’ everyday. Little things. Pick up a piece of litter. Pop coins in a charity box. Feed the birds. Donate tins to a food bank. Flowers on a gravestone. Send a friend a card.Sandwich for a homeless person. Then when I had to think of one think I liked about myself, I could just put that down. Sounds trite I know but think it sets a more positive feeling about yourself into motion.

Glad you are getting some help OP - you deserve to feel better.

You are already a good mother: even in such a dire and miserable state- of-mind, in a state where being self-centred would be understandable, there you are thinking of your child's needs and happiness.

It does sound as if (due to your present state-of-mind) you might be incorrect in your self-assessment of how you look. (Even in your most unhappy posts, there was no mention of people fleeing from you or gasping with horror when you appear :)) It is unlikely that you understand how important you are to others either.

Keep in mind that no-one is under any obligation be be beautiful. Being pretty is great - but it is not all that important really. In my mind, the people I love most are not placed in order of physical beauty. Anyway, you do not look to others as you do to yourself.

With a little help you are soon going to enjoy being a good mother and much else too. Don't give up!

It sounds exactly like depression, which isn't about being sad and tearful, it comes out slightly differently in everyone, it can be

• anger and irritability
• feelings of failure, helplessness , hopelessness and there being little point to you
• feelings of hating yourself

-Feeling broken, less than or unfixable

Underlying all of those are some pretty powerful negative thoughts, assumptions and dysfunctional core beliefs you've picked up that have taken over

Medication will help but mostly it sounds like you might find CBT really helpful, as your thoughts are attacking you. It'd be such a relief for you if you were able to grab them and hold them to the light

Some health ccg areas offer CBT by telephone or italk referrals, all free on NhS

Can I just say that children learn so much more from what we do and how we behave than from anything we tell them If your DS grows up with a mother who hates herself, it will affect his relationship with her and possibly also with other women.

Depressed or not, you need to find a way to treat yourself kindly and not to hate yourself''. This will do so much more for your relationship with your child than absolutely anything else you could do. Make it a priority. You don't need to lose weight or do anything you find impossible to feel better about yourself. You need to be as compassionate with yourself as you are with your child. As you treat yourself more kindly, some of the other things ( getting fitter, losing weight etc) may start to be easier .

“I love him immensely”. There isn’t another human being alive who will love your baby like you do or who is more needed by him. The fact you love him like this makes him a very lucky little baby. He needs you. No one else can ever come close.
I don’t think there are that many women who love themselves all the time. Most of us feel self loathing at some point. (I can tell you that the menopausal state isn’t the prettiest! ) So what. What matters is how much we love. Please do ask your doctor for help and keep going. You sound so unhappy but you also sound like a passionate kind interesting person. You can be the Mum your boy needs. I used to tell myself there is always someone cleverer, prettier, nicer than me and always someone less - what matters is there’s only one of you and you love your baby more than anything else. Lots of mums here sending you their support, fellow feeling and friendship.

I felt exactly the same as you. The feeling of being a bad mum, nothing to offer, the anger, the hatred myself.
I didn't believe it myself at the time but went to the doctor's to placate my partner.
I was diagnosed with depression.
After treatment and some time, I came out of it and realised that they were right.
I can feel myself spiraling again at the moment and am fighting it.
Please go to the doctor and get some help. I wish I had of done it sooner.

@ladylouanna Have you spoken to the GP yet?