To think going to ruin DC's life?

[ladylouanna]

DC 10 month old. I love him immensely but i can't help but feel he would be better off without me in his life.

I'd like to point out that I'm not depressed, these aren't feelings of post natal depression. These are genuine thoughts and feelings that I'm not a good mum and the complete fear of DC ending up like me.

I hate myself. This isn't a sympathy post, i'm not looking for some loving or kind words.

I genuinely hate myself. I hate the way I look. I hate my size.
Some people are overweight but they still look great, good hair, nice dress sense.

That's not me. I'm not pretty, I'm overweight and I dress in plain stretchy fat person clothes. I have flat limp hair.

I don't make the effort with friends because I hate how I look and feel like I have nothing to offer. Why would anyone want a friend that looks the way I do?!

I feel angry all the time. I feel like I do such a bad job at being a mum.
I took DC to the park yesterday and he was really upset.

I instantly felt like such a bad mum.
He was tired and I shouldn't have taken him when he was tired. What kind of a mum does that? I know he likes to nap in his cot so why didn't I let him nap there and then take him?!

I just knew everyone was judging me.
I was so awful to myself all the way home, name calling, bringing myself down.
It's like self harm, but mentally.

We went to the cost yesterday, I asked Hubby to take a pic of me and DC.
It was awful, definitely not one I will keep.
Other mums look great, I look like a pit bull terrier.

I can't be a mum to this gorgeous boy because I don't deserve him.

I've tried losing weight as I know that would help me massively, but I can't.
I'm addicted to food.

I don't want DC to ever be miserable like me. He's so happy and content i want him to be like that always but having me as his mum will just ruin him. 😔

All children see is their mammy. They something else. Soon he will obsessively say 'my mammy', and show you off. You are his whole world. Look after yourself, if you care this much you're already world ahead of so many out there X

I hate to tell you this, but this self flagellation is depression. 100% guaranteed. Every word you write just screams depression to me - because depression isn't about always being sad or crying it's about shame. Going around and around in your head and never stopping.

Your GP will tell you that immediately. They will not think you are a time waster they will give you medication which will save your life and refer you for 6 sessions of cbt which wont happen for months and will help too.

Once the depression is under control (a week or so after you start meds) these thoughts will stop. You will wake up one day and there will be...nothing. Apart from 'oo look the sun is shining' and 'mmm this cup of tea tastes nice'

I think that of all the meds prozac is the best if you want to lose weight. The others can induce carb cravings so explain to your GP how important this is to you and how much it's feeding into your depression.

They will make you feel shit for the first few days then very little apart from sleeping a bit more and no ability to orgasm/libido which can be partly fixed by taking other things (Gingko biloba etc) will have few side effects. Certainly nothing that isn't far outweighed by their benefits!

And if you have a little spare cash for weight loss I recommend saxenda. It really kills your appetite though you have to consciously diet ie not emotionally eat. It's a diabetes drug I believe so not damaging. But not available on the nhs.

This doesn't go away on its own. I had counselling for almost a year and it made it worse. Only my GP made it better. Supplements etc did very little.

@ladylouanna

One step at a time. You are focusing way to far ahead. It's great you feel you can do those things. That means you are a great mummy. What more can a child want?

I think you need to make small steps and plans for the near future. So what can you do to make yourself feel happier? What can you do first? What are you prepared to do?

Do you want to loose weight? Do you feel you can?

Or excercise?

New clothes?

Makeup?

Hobby?

More time with friends?

What's your goal for the next week? Something slightly more?

What is your day to day routine like?

@ladylouanna I don't think you can trust your own perception of your looks and capability at this point.

You have a partner, a person who chose you because they like who you are, someone who looks at you and sees someone that they want to have children and a lifetime with.

You have a child who loves you. You are his world.

Nobody looks in the mirror and thinks, Jesus fucking Christ I am the embodiment of perfection. We might have good days where we think, 'do you know I'm looking pretty fine today' but we also look and see the muffin top, the overly large nose, the tired eyes, the dimpled thighs......

I'm obese, I know it, I see it, I'm trying to address it. My hair is very fine so often looks flat and my complexion isn't great. I've got nice eyes and a cheerful face, good boobs and a kind smile. I hate every photo of me that has ever been taken.

My DD is 6, she's a generally happy, bright child who sometimes for no known reason had a meltdown or wakes up grumpy. We've had many well thought out day trips that have gone to shit because the lunch I packed wasn't right or it rained, or she didn't want to go on the slide at that moment, or it took longer than planned and ran into nap time so she was a tired mess.

These things happen.

Your perception of yourself as ugly and worthless, and your conviction that you will ruin your child's life does suggest that you need some help to alter that perception and to find the good things about yourself that other people see. Counselling or even anti-depressants may help you and like other PPs I really would recommend speaking to your GP.

If a friend or family member was saying the things you are saying about themselves, how would you respond? Would you agree with them or would you think that they needed some help and support?

@Friendsoftheearth @iamsupersayan @ladylouanna

to you all.

I'd say I'm probably never going to be one of those people who 'loves themselves' that still feels very alien. My therapist has really helped me turn down the levels of self-criticism I used to hit myself with everyday - for me, probably the most key thing is trying to feel compassion for myself.

When I'm beating myself up about something (still happens, work in progress) 'stupid' that I did, I try to talk to myself like I am speaking to a friend, or even a stranger who made the same 'mistake' - the voice ends up feeling far less hateful.

I know its not very mumsnet but hugs to you all. Its so hard and some day for me are better or worse than others. But its amazing to have more and more days where I don't hate myself so powerfully. Please do try to get support and help if you can. Its really worth it.

I just worry that he will end up not liking himself by picking up on how I feel about myself

I also don't want my son to hate me as much as I hate me!!

Well, there you go - that is your motivation for seeking help.

OP. You are a good mum!! Your son needs you, you are his everything!! Please get help. You are very hard on yourself and I bet you are an attractive lady but you just don't see it ! The way you see yourself won't be how others see you. None of us are perfect by a long stretch, we all have things we don't like about ourselves (I have plenty!). Your son needs you, no one else!!!

@Happyinmyownworld

Do you want to loose weight? Do you feel you can?

I know that I can, as I have successfully lots weight before, for my wedding.
Unfortunately I've regained most of it back
after having my baby and during lockdown.

I don't want to look the way I look. But food right now is like a drug to me.
I don't drink and I don't do drugs.

Food is like a massive hug. A comfort.

Or excercise?

I'm rubbish at it. I do go for walks but I don't have an exercise regime.

New clothes?

Honestly, I have a wardrobe full off clothes that are too small.
I cannot face buying clothes with the shape I am. I'm like a potato.
I'm so envious of other curvier girls who have such a great sense of style.
I don't. I wear leggings and a loose top. 😕

Makeup?

I've worn very little since the beginning of the year.

Hobby?

This is where I genuinely struggle.
My husband has tried to help me figure this out. I just don't think I have any hobbies or interests 😔

More time with friends?

I don't want my friends to see me looking so terrible.
*
What's your goal for the next week? Something slightly more?*
I don't have one. 😕

What is your day to day routine like?
7am wake up. Shower and dress.
Me and baby will have breakfast then we go for a walk / to the park.
We then usually spend the day playing, painting, reading.
We might see my mum a few times a week.
We're supposed to be going to baby class next week but I'm not sure about that yet.

Your weight and your looks have no effect on how good a Mum you are. If you are thin to obese or anything in between it has no effect on how good a Mum you are. Weight and happiness are two different issues. Mums are bombarded with information about the best thing to do to have a happy, healthy child which can be information that changes and or conflicts. How you feel about yourself the most important issue. you are angry and dislike yourself and therapy will help get to the bottom of it. This will help the relationship you have with your little one. Mental well-being is paramount to physical and social well-being. Every other Mum may look like they are "coping" when they are not so don't compare yourself. Every comment they make may make you believe secretly "I am no good"....therapy will help with this.

Positive self talk OP. You wouldn't ever talk to your child or someone you love the way you do to yourself. Whether you believe it or not, you NEED to stop talking to yourself this way. What good does it serve? If you constantly tell yourself you're ugly and horrible, you can't expect to ever feel good about yourself.

Get a few post-its or print off some positive affirmations or quotes that resonate with you and remind yourself of them all the time. The only way to break this cycle is to tell yourself the opposite of what you do now.

We can accept we are overweight and would like to lose weight without getting out our big stick and bearing ourselves up about it. Instead of thinking, I'm fat and nobody likes me, you need to balance that out and say, alright I'm not at the weight I want to be, but I can get there and I'm still a good person regardless of weight.

OP, this is personal development 101. Do it for your son until you reach the point where you are able to do it for yourself.

Would it help to keep going with this thread? Check in a few times a week to let us know how you are getting on and when you need challenged?

Everyone has moments and even sometimes whole days when they feel bad about themselves, but mental health begins to deteriorate when you stay in that mindset. You need to be your own biggest cheerleader in this life OP.

I absolutely recommend going to GP, it's taking control of your situation. Medication can help you in the short term as you develop your resilience and sense of self again. It sounds like you've felt this way for quite a while so therapy is a must.

We're all here cheering you on OP, good on you for reaching out

@ScarletMouse

Would it help to keep going with this thread? Check in a few times a week to let us know how you are getting on and when you need challenged?

I would really really like that!

@ScarletMouse if that's ok for me to jump onto this. (Sorry I know that was for op)
but I can totally relate and I think it would be good to keep this going.
I don't have a lot of people to talk to and this thread for me has really made me realise I'm not alone.

Honey you need to talk to someone
This is depression and MH related
There are things you can do , and medication you can take

The best thing you can do for your clearly loved child is get some help for your mental health and terribly low self esteem
Please , you deserve to be happy

*We can accept we are overweight and would like to lose weight without getting out our big stick and bearing ourselves up about it. Instead of thinking, I'm fat and nobody likes me, you need to balance that out and say, alright I'm not at the weight I want to be, but I can get there and I'm still a good person regardless of weight.

OP, this is personal development 101. Do it for your son until you reach the point where you are able to do it for yourself.*

I will definitely try.
I saw something online which said to write something positive about yourself every day. Just one thing.
Wether it be something you've done, or something about your appearance etc.

I've been trying but I honestly do struggle to find the positives.

I know appearance isn't everything, but it's so hard as I really don't feel like I have much of a personality, and combined with not looking great I have very little confidence.

I do think if I looked nicer I'd at least fit in better and feel like I have something to offer to a friendship group etc.

@iamsupersayan absolutely!

OP have you researched Body Dysmorphic disorder? I've struggled like you for a long time with my appearance since I was a teenager & I am now 30. Since having my son 2 years ago, I've actually become more comfortable with myself, however I remember the times when I was struggling so much & I couldn't bare the thought of anyone seeing me, sometimes I wouldn't even want to go out because I felt so hideous. I agree with other that's therapy is a good start, I know it's scary & can be expensive. Have a look into body dysmorphia because even though you believe you aren't attractive, exactly like I did, it's a real mental condition that can completely distort your view of yourself

Here's a few questions that might help prompt the check ins?

1. What strong feelings/thoughts have I noticed today/this week? __Was there a specific trigger? How did I respond?

1. What have I done specifically for me today? __prompts you to make time for your own needs, promoting self love

1. What 3 things do I want to achieve today/this week? __helps you to be more intentional, doesn't have to be big things

What about also posting your affirmation for the day/week?

Any other suggestions welcome!

Some peoples internal default position is to be really down on themselves. Pink has some good lyrics about this in her song Fuckin Perfect ( which is worth a listen):

"You're so mean, so mean when you talk, when you talk
About yourself. You were wrong
Change the voices, change the voices in your head, in your head
Make them like you instead."

And that is the crux of the matter, it is all about your thinking. Your mind has formed habits and patterns of thinking about yourself which are corrosive and destructive. But they can be changed, with support, with guidance, with hope.

Doctors. See a dr and tell them what you’ve just told us.

If you don’t have depression or anxiety I’ll eat my hat.

Perfect OP, that can be another prompt!

Example: I like that I have taken a positive step forward in improving mine and my family's life

I think you personally need to be a little kinder to yourself, take some time to reflect on the positive aspects on your life and how to expand these positives.If your unhappy with aspects of yourself start making small changes.
Are you a part of any mother and baby groups. There brilliant for bonding I especially love baby massage or baby yoga it’s lovely to get out and about with other mums.

Emeeno01, does the clappy 👏 hands emoji show on this? So true, we are predisposed to the negative. Making the challenging of this habitual is key!

OP, what makes you happy?

E.g. I like watching cute videos of my toddler niece so when I need a pick me up, I do that. I also like to listen to music I can sing along to so I do that when I can as well.

These are small acts of self-care. It's asking yourself what you need in the moment and then knowing what routinely helps.

It can be difficult to identify what we have in our personal toolbox when in the negative headspace, so its good to have a good think about it in advance so you can remind yourself or better still, tell your partner "remind me to do this when I'm feeling down" because I've found it can be really difficult to remind yourself at those times.

OP - if your friends deciding they didn't want to see you because they'd put weight on would you think that was the right thing to do?

I'm fat, actually fat (a tiny bit under morbidly obese). Honestly, no one cares what I look like. Of the people you care for most in the world - how many did you choose for the way they look? I know your thoughts are telling you that looks matter, but they don't - not unless you want to be a movie star.

By the way, from your messages you sound smart and kind and like a great mum

OP parenting is really hard. Nobody bloody gets it right. I cannot count the times I got it wrong. But my kids still love me and really need me...even as young adults. I expect your son sees you as the centre of his universe....try to understand that he needs YOU... overweight you with less than perfect hair, to hug him and love him...and take him to the park... I mean oops he was tired.....it has not harmed him, and he has a lovely mum who wanted him to have fun. I know a fair few perfect looking people with ugly arrogant personalities. Just for argument's sake...maybe you have crap hair. WHO CARES!!! I have plenty of friends with crap hair. I really love them. Maybe you are overweight... WHO CARES. You sound like a nice person. You just need to be kinder to yourself!!

I think it's great to work on changing the way you think. However along side medication. You have quite serious depression. It's certainly not mild and it's not likely to significantly improve without medical intervention. Please don't put it off thinking you can just do a talking therapy. They are for when your head is ok, until that time you literally won't be able to respond or take it in.

Once that side is working you can start a therapy to try and change the way you think long term. But this can and will get worse if untreated. I know several people who had extensive therapy when they were depressed but the illness was never acknowledged or discussed and they limped along for years making little progress and not knowing what was wrong with them.

Therapists will refuse to 'label' you and they will refuse to recommend other solutions. So you could do therapy as I did many years ago with no idea what was going on watching my life spiral down. And a therapist who probably knew but wouldn't tell me. I fucking hate him for that. I owe everything to my GP. She explained it to me and gave me effective treatment.