To think going to ruin DC's life?

[ladylouanna]

DC 10 month old. I love him immensely but i can't help but feel he would be better off without me in his life.

I'd like to point out that I'm not depressed, these aren't feelings of post natal depression. These are genuine thoughts and feelings that I'm not a good mum and the complete fear of DC ending up like me.

I hate myself. This isn't a sympathy post, i'm not looking for some loving or kind words.

I genuinely hate myself. I hate the way I look. I hate my size.
Some people are overweight but they still look great, good hair, nice dress sense.

That's not me. I'm not pretty, I'm overweight and I dress in plain stretchy fat person clothes. I have flat limp hair.

I don't make the effort with friends because I hate how I look and feel like I have nothing to offer. Why would anyone want a friend that looks the way I do?!

I feel angry all the time. I feel like I do such a bad job at being a mum.
I took DC to the park yesterday and he was really upset.

I instantly felt like such a bad mum.
He was tired and I shouldn't have taken him when he was tired. What kind of a mum does that? I know he likes to nap in his cot so why didn't I let him nap there and then take him?!

I just knew everyone was judging me.
I was so awful to myself all the way home, name calling, bringing myself down.
It's like self harm, but mentally.

We went to the cost yesterday, I asked Hubby to take a pic of me and DC.
It was awful, definitely not one I will keep.
Other mums look great, I look like a pit bull terrier.

I can't be a mum to this gorgeous boy because I don't deserve him.

I've tried losing weight as I know that would help me massively, but I can't.
I'm addicted to food.

I don't want DC to ever be miserable like me. He's so happy and content i want him to be like that always but having me as his mum will just ruin him. 😔

It may not be depression but you need some help. It doesn't have to be like this. In most places you can self refer for mental health support. It will get better. You're not awful. Hang in there.

I'm sorry you are feeling that low.

Why are your looks so upsetting to you? I'm not disregarding it in anyway, but looks are not the be all and end all. I do acknowledge that if you aren't feeling great already, then being unhappy with looks can only add to that, but it seems your looks are your main worry? Why not get a nice haircut , do a face pack etc?

Do you work? Just wondering whether there are other ways to boost your self esteem.

@ScarletMouse

OP, what makes you happy?

Honestly... I don't really know. ☹️

My son and his smiles will always make me happy, that goes without saying.

But i find that really hard to answer, and I know that seems pathetic, but it's true.

You’ve been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens. – Louise Hay

@herrcomesthenamechanger

OP - if your friends deciding they didn't want to see you because they'd put weight on would you think that was the right thing to do?

No, definitely not.

One of my friends did gain quite a bit of weight after her wedding. I remember she felt uncomfortable and she told me she felt unhappy with herself, we did still see each other though, it didn't affect her wanting to socialise.
But the difference is, she's really pretty and she was still as beautiful.

She dressed great and she generally looked good.

It really does sound like PND. It doesn't necessarily manifest as what you think is depression. It can be intrusive and unwanted thoughts. I felt a lot like you say you do. I didn't think I was depressed, I just thought I was a crap mother who shouldn't have had children.
I was the last one to realise it. I went to the GP and got some antidepressants and a therapy referral and it absolutely changed me and my relationship with the boys.
I look back now and can't believe the things I used to think. Please seek help.

@Someone1987

*Why are your looks so upsetting to you? I'm not disregarding it in anyway, but looks are not the be all and end all. I do acknowledge that if you aren't feeling great already, then being unhappy with looks can only add to that, but it seems your looks are your main worry? Why not get a nice haircut , do a face pack etc?

Do you work? Just wondering whether there are other ways to boost your self esteem.*

I genuinely think I look odd. I don't have features. I just have a round fat face with strange beady eyes.

Im embarrassed about how I look.

I met a friend for a coffee a few weeks ago.
It took a lot for me to go, I felt so uncomfortable the whole time I was there.
She's such a lovely person and it's in no way a reflection on her.

I just felt embarrassed for her that she had to sit with me.

I kept wondering, why is she friends with me and the only conclusion I could come up with is that she feels sorry for me.

I felt like I spent too much time telling her about my plan to lose some weight then I spent days after seeing her feeling so mad at myself for talking about something so negative and how I should've been more confident and made the coffee date more interesting.

@TheSoapyFrog

It really does sound like PND. It doesn't necessarily manifest as what you think is depression. It can be intrusive and unwanted thoughts. I felt a lot like you say you do. I didn't think I was depressed, I just thought I was a crap mother who shouldn't have had children. I was the last one to realise it. I went to the GP and got some antidepressants and a therapy referral and it absolutely changed me and my relationship with the boys. I look back now and can't believe the things I used to think. Please seek help.

@TheSoapyFrog

I'm so glad you're feeling better

I have felt like this for a long time about myself. Even before my son.

It's just gotten much worse. I've hated myself so much for as long as I can remember and now those feelings are projecting onto how I feel about myself as a mum.

I really feel for you. I can only echo what other people have said and suggest you talk to your gp to be referred for counselling or look into private therapy if that is an option. Take care and know that we're all winging it as mums and just showing up and doing our best every day. Don't believe everything you see on social media. X

@Pantheon

Take care and know that we're all winging it as mums and just showing up and doing our best every day. Don't believe everything you see on social media. X

As a first time mum this is something I find so hard.

I know I shouldn't compare but I have a group of antenatal friends who like to announce that their babies sleep all night, their babies never seem to cry and they look to be doing things perfectly well as first time mums.

This just makes my anger towards myself even worse. I feel angry that I must be doing things wrong.

Then I feel guilty because I feel like I'm expecting my son to be like all of these other babies. Which isn't what I want.
He's perfect the way he is.
I'm just letting him down.

I kept wondering, why is she friends with me and the only conclusion I could come up with is that she feels sorry for me.

OP, read my previous post, I said this was how my depression affected me. It's almost word for word.

Please, please, see a doctor. I suffered with terrible mental health for years, I don’t remember a point longer than a few months where I was genuinely happy and at ease with myself before the age of 23. Therapy and medication made all the difference and I love my life now. It’s so hard to see but the way that you feel about yourself isn’t normal and with help it can get better.

Or to put it another way- you already feel like utter shit, right? So it’s not going to make you any worse. But it just might make you feel better.

Depression isn't just feeling sad. It's hating yourself. How does your husband feel about your thoughts?

I can honestly say that kids want their mums no matter what so please look into helping yourself for him.

Also if you saw a mum who was really ugly, would you say she didn't deserve her baby?

OP, this was my previous post. How many of these points do you relate to?

- that I was shit at my job (you could substitute motherhood)
-that I was ugly so what was the point of going to the hairdresser etc?
- my friends didn't actually like me
- surely everyone could see how useless I was so anyone being nice was doing it because they felt sorry for me
- random people were laughing at me (if someone laughed in the street then I was convinced they were laughing at me)
- I started to pull away from people because they were better off without me
- I put on loads of weight because I was comfort eating
- I would compare myself to everyone and I was always the ugliest/stupidest/fattest/most useless.

I was also terrified to go to the doctor because I was absolutely convinced that they would tell me that I was wasting their time and I was just lazy/greedy/wasn't trying hard enough/not worth helping/a lost cause.

Please do this online test OP. They are actually very accurate.

assets.nhs.uk/tools/self-assessments/index.mob.html?cookie_consent=false&variant=44

And then PLEASE go and see your GP. Literally nothing will make sense or work until you do and this isn't fair on your son. He needs a mother who is not eaten up be self hatred.

Maybe you need to do a bit of self discovery. You know you don't need to be pretty or thin to be a good mum, or to have style, to wear nice clothes. If you want to dress better, buy stuff that you like, that fits in with your lifestyle, don't need to wait until you've lost 5 stone or whatever, wearing lycra clothes because you think that's what fat people should wear. Read up on internalised oppression, you are oppressing yourself, because of these impossible standards you have, on how you look or how other people look and what you think 'a good mother' is.

This just makes my anger towards myself even worse.

This is a worrying statement to me. I have felt like this and then inevitably suicidal. While perhaps a controversial statement, having personal experience of it, I feel suicide attempts to be ways to express anger at oneself, in a violent manner.

Therefore, though I initially just sent you a quote advising you not to beat yourself up, I actually think that what others are seeing may well be there - you may need medication.

Absolutely, looking in the mirror and feeling like you look like a potato isn't going to help, but if you literally are on your arse, you're not in a position to begin exercise either. Or eating healthily or all that stress and strain. Right now you are fighting for survival.

I'd think about calling your GP Tuesday morning. Ask for an urgent same day appointment due to 'mental health crisis'. Whatever you want to call it. Tell the receptionist it's a bout of chlamydia if you feel like it. They might want bloods done before prescribing anything. Please ensure that you've privacy to talk if it's a tel-con (it will be). They would typically do a test on you (about 15 questions) and rate you from that, not sure how they're working post lockdown.

I honestly could of wrote this myself!

I have no feeling of self worth at all and despise the way I look. I had my youngest 4 months ago. My son is 9 and I snapped back into shape right after having him... this time not at all plus the extra weight I've put on over the years.

I too hate going out. My husband works close to home and always wants me and the kids to meet him at finishing time and I hate it because I'm ashamed of the way I look and dont want the people he works with to see me.

I have been told I have pnd and the MH team are trying talking therapy with me to work on my self esteem.

Sorry to ramble on about me I just wanted you to know you are not alone in feeling this way and it is worth reaching out for help. You can message me if you like. Sending hugs

And also pitbulls are amazing dogs so if your comparing yourself to one of them please dont make it negative 😊

GO TO THE GP. If you have so little respect for yourself, then do it for your son. Your feelings and outlook ARE NOT NORMAL. A ‘well’ person would not feel like this. There is so much help, assistance and guidance out there for you. Your son can’t reach out and phone for you. YOU HAVE TO BE THE PARENT and make that phone call and attend that appointment. I promise you that life will improve for you all if you seek professional help and go to the appointment. YOU ARE NOT ALONE, PEOPLE CARE. Good for you for posting on here. We all genuinely want to help you but YOU have to pick up the phone. Believe me, if we could do it for you we would. I know you can find that help and I wish you and your family all the best xx

@BabyLlamaZen

Depression isn't just feeling sad. It's hating yourself. How does your husband feel about your thoughts?*

He's so patient and understanding. I've even found myself pushing him away.😔

I've been sat tonight just looking at the picture he took of me and my son on the beach and I've cried so much.

I genuinely cannot understand why he would be attracted to me.

I look more like my sons Grandma rather than his mum. I'm only 31, but I look old and tired.

[quote ladylouanna]@herrcomesthenamechanger

OP - if your friends deciding they didn't want to see you because they'd put weight on would you think that was the right thing to do?

No, definitely not.

One of my friends did gain quite a bit of weight after her wedding. I remember she felt uncomfortable and she told me she felt unhappy with herself, we did still see each other though, it didn't affect her wanting to socialise.
But the difference is, she's really pretty and she was still as beautiful.

She dressed great and she generally looked good.
[/quote]
No my darlin, the difference is she doesn't hate herself. Not that she's pretty.
You aren't friends with her because she's pretty, no real friendship is based on looks.

You are worth more than you think you are.

@TaraW20

I'm so sorry you're suffering too.

And also pitbulls are amazing dogs so if your comparing yourself to one of them please dont make it negative 😊

I just used the comparison to describe my looks, it was the first dog that came to mind, it wasn't a dig at that particular breed in anyway.
Sorry xx

@slashlover

*- that I was shit at my job (you could substitute motherhood)
-that I was ugly so what was the point of going to the hairdresser etc?

• my friends didn't actually like me
• surely everyone could see how useless I was so anyone being nice was doing it because they felt sorry for me
• random people were laughing at me (if someone laughed in the street then I was convinced they were laughing at me)
• I started to pull away from people because they were better off without me
• I put on loads of weight because I was comfort eating
• I would compare myself to everyone and I was always the ugliest/stupidest/fattest/most useless.*

I can relate to all of the above. 😔
I'm employed, on maternity leave but I've always thought I'm shit at my job too.

It feels like a relief being off of work right now. It was torture for me having to walk through the office. I would convince myself everyone was looking at me and laughing or gossiping. 😔

@Flipflopsaga

GO TO THE GP. If you have so little respect for yourself, then do it for your son. Your feelings and outlook ARE NOT NORMAL. A ‘well’ person would not feel like this. There is so much help, assistance and guidance out there for you. Your son can’t reach out and phone for you. YOU HAVE TO BE THE PARENT and make that phone call and attend that appointment. I promise you that life will improve for you all if you seek professional help and go to the appointment. YOU ARE NOT ALONE, PEOPLE CARE. Good for you for posting on here. We all genuinely want to help you but YOU have to pick up the phone. Believe me, if we could do it for you we would. I know you can find that help and I wish you and your family all the best xx

@Flipflopsaga

I will definitely give them a call on Tuesday.

I'm just worried they might only give me medication and no other support.
I feel like I'd really benefit from speaking to someone too.

I've found this discussion on here so helpful.

It's given me the opportunity to be open and honest. Talking therapy does sound like a good option.

Can you afford to go privately if there's a long waiting list?

It really is worth investing the money in yourself if you reasonably can.