To think going to ruin DC's life?

[ladylouanna]

DC 10 month old. I love him immensely but i can't help but feel he would be better off without me in his life.

I'd like to point out that I'm not depressed, these aren't feelings of post natal depression. These are genuine thoughts and feelings that I'm not a good mum and the complete fear of DC ending up like me.

I hate myself. This isn't a sympathy post, i'm not looking for some loving or kind words.

I genuinely hate myself. I hate the way I look. I hate my size.
Some people are overweight but they still look great, good hair, nice dress sense.

That's not me. I'm not pretty, I'm overweight and I dress in plain stretchy fat person clothes. I have flat limp hair.

I don't make the effort with friends because I hate how I look and feel like I have nothing to offer. Why would anyone want a friend that looks the way I do?!

I feel angry all the time. I feel like I do such a bad job at being a mum.
I took DC to the park yesterday and he was really upset.

I instantly felt like such a bad mum.
He was tired and I shouldn't have taken him when he was tired. What kind of a mum does that? I know he likes to nap in his cot so why didn't I let him nap there and then take him?!

I just knew everyone was judging me.
I was so awful to myself all the way home, name calling, bringing myself down.
It's like self harm, but mentally.

We went to the cost yesterday, I asked Hubby to take a pic of me and DC.
It was awful, definitely not one I will keep.
Other mums look great, I look like a pit bull terrier.

I can't be a mum to this gorgeous boy because I don't deserve him.

I've tried losing weight as I know that would help me massively, but I can't.
I'm addicted to food.

I don't want DC to ever be miserable like me. He's so happy and content i want him to be like that always but having me as his mum will just ruin him. 😔

I think you have an idea that depressed people are sad and weepy all the time but that’s a very simplistic view of a complex syndrome. Having hatred for yourself isn’t normal and is a symptom of depression. You say you want to do the right thing by your so so he doesn’t end up like you. Well, in the nicest way possible you need to have an open mind about speaking to your GP about your mental health issues and actually try improving your outlook. If you are happy, then your son will be too. If you keep on this path and don’t change a thing then more than likely what you fear will come true

I think you're being a great mum, but you will be a happier mum if you can make progress with the things you are angry about

I feel angry at myself. I feel like I don't / can't do anything right.

Like when I took my son to the park and he was upset and tried.

I felt angry that I'd got it wrong, I felt stupid and useless.

I should've just gotten over it but I couldn't and that feeling stuck with me all day.

I realise you are online and "we" can't diagnose.

Your self image is low, your self esteem is low. You might be depressed. Everyone has value, I am sure you agree, every life is important, every deserves to be cherished. That 100% includes you.
You say you're concerned for your son, his future. He's going to want you there.

If this was someone you'd met I am sure you would be concerned for them. And want them to feel their worth and your care for them. I, a total stranger, am convinced your son doesn't want you to feel this way.

Could you consider a chat with your GP? Would you suggest that for someone you cared for? Could you look at something like CBT?

@Frequency

If you're anywhere near me we're having a party to cheer my sister up who is going through similar issues. You're welcome to attend. I live in Teesside.

I'm not, but thank you so much for the offer.

Depression isn’t just sadness, op. What you’ve described sounds a lot like depression. I’d go to the Gp and look into therapy. But you aren’t a bad mum! You’re taking your son to the park and the coast and giving him new experiences and you clearly love him very much.

@D4rwin

Could you consider a chat with your GP? Would you suggest that for someone you cared for? Could you look at something like CBT?

I've genuinely never considered speaking to my gp about hating myself.
I figured they would just think I was some attention seeking time waster.

I've tried talking to a friend about it but they told me to look for the good In myself and focus on that.

I can't find any good. There's nothing I like and that's what makes me feel so angry towards myself.

Its a very hard adjustment to make after a child is born. Or can be.

You are definitely a different and new person.

Particularly difficult in the middle of a global pandemic.

Please be kind to yourself. Step by step, baby steps.

You sound to me like a good mum.

@ladylouanna the way you describe your feelings are such that you should speak to a Dr. I remember having similar thoughts with my baby girl but they wouldn't last all day. I would chalk it up to another lesson learnt as a new mum.

If these feelings stay with you all day then you are really hurting and punishing yourself and you don't deserve that. I can promise GP will help you if you are willing to give them a try.

We all make mistakes with kids, going to the park when he's tired is a really small one! Parenting is always learning. My DD seems to always get into small accidents and bump her head and I feel awful about not being more careful (she likes to climb, but tantrums if we stop her so i tend to let her.... when she was a baby she used to roll into things constantly and I felt bad for not preventing it) Your son won't care what you look like, that has no bearing on your ability to parent.
Its hard to be kind to ourselves sometimes but you need to at least cut yourself some slack nobody is perfect! Sometimes as long as you know you're trying its enough. You're a good parent becuase you care about your sons happiness.

I echo what others have said about you maybe could do with seeing the doctor. Tbh I think you'd get more out of counselling than anti depressants but there's always a long wait list. If you can afford it maybe see someone privately? Its the thought pattern that's harmful not your appearance or behaviour x

Aww ‘OP’ your son’s not going to hate you for not being photogenic and having limp hair. And a bad mum wouldn’t even bother taking their child to the park and not care enough to consider that he might be better off without her, so you are definitely not that! You just need to learn to love yourself for who you are not what you look like just like your baby, your husband and your friends do.

Please go and speak to your GP @ladylouanna. You may not think this is depression but reading your posts so many of us can recognise what you can’t see - you don’t have to feel like this and there is help and support out there. Whether the label helps you or not, this is depression and it is telling you the most terrible things. Your mind is doing this but it doesn’t have to be that way and there is help and support so you don’t have to continue feeling like this x

Oh OP I'm so sorry you feel like this . Your son loves you so so much. He deserves that you love yourself too. You're not a bad mum... Sometimes babies get upset and tired. Best thing is just to come home and snuggle up on the sofa and have a lazy time. It's not you, it's just a bad day. We all have them.

Thing is, pretty/plain, fat/thin, rich/poor, these things have very little to do with whether we "deserve" to be happy or whether we are actually happy. It's getting up in the morning and thinking about how you can do your best to fill your day with things and people that both you and your son will enjoy. And feeling you deserve this. Taking pleasure in little treats.

Take care of yourself. It does sound like you're depressed and could do with some help. That's nothing to be ashamed of. Get help so you can be the best possible mum for your son.

I just hate myself. I'm not sad, or down
I just do not like who I am

It's awful the way I treat myself. But I don't know how to treat myself any differently

This is what therapy will help with. It will help you to learn that there are other ways that you can choose to think about yourself and your life and different actions you can take.

OP, honestly, your posts could be in a textbook describing depression. I could pick out four or five quotes that are absolutely typical. Of course your thoughts and feelings are genuine. To you they feel fiercely, horribly real. But they are expressions of depression all the same.

You don't need to stay feeling like this. Recovery may take some time, but it is possible. Please talk to your GP/HV.

You sounds like a perfectionist. We all make mistakes. We all have something we don't like about ourselves. Don't hate yourself, but be kind and love yourself.
Negative thought is unhealthy. You don't want that for your child. Find something positive everyday, and try to be happy for your family. You need to speak to someone, maybe gp for a start.

There are also family support services. I have phone support at the moment. I was referred for help with my son but they have realised that my mental state is terrible and are working with me on improving my emotional state. I hate myself too OP and am deeply unhappy and guilt consumed about my kids. There is help there,. You could ask your HV or GP, or look online and see if there is self-referral.

Try this, OP: NHS mood self-assessment. It will give you a good indication of whether you should speak to your GP.

For what it's worth, I persuaded myself for 2 years that I wasn't really depressed. When I finally talked to the doctor and she did a similar test, she said 'moderate to severe depression'. I cried, because it was such a relief to know that I wasn't just making it up and they might be able to do something about it. I had 12 weeks of counselling (on the NHS) and 2 years of medication. And it was life-changing.

Please seek help. If not for yourself, for the sake of your little boy.

As others have said therapy could really help. Anger and tormenting yourself with negative thoughts sounds awful. Speaking to a professional and others have said starting with your GP could help. Everyone fucks up with their kids. I made countless mistakes with not balancing naps and/or food correctly. That’s what happens when you are parenting. But beating yourself up over it I horrible.

Everything I see in your posts is self blame and loathing. Your lo sees his mummy he loves to bits. A mummy, who is his world. A mummy, who kisses and cuddles him when he needs her. He has no capacity to blame or to hate. He just is a pure little bundle of love.

I really think you would benefit slowing down your thought process and seeing the world a little through his eyes.

Maybe you don’t think you’re depressed. But I also believe you are. I know someone, who killed herself and no one had any inkling. She left a baby and a 10yo. Please do something about how you’re feeling. Her children are forever changed and have the pain of losing their mum so young in such tragic circumstances.

Oh Sweetheart, I want to give you a big hug.
You love that little boy with every bit of you.
Do one thing just for him.
Be kind to his mummy and take care of her.
Get to the GP or chat to the HV (if they are still a thing these days), see what help they can give you.
He would be far, far worse off without you. He needs you.

We all make mistakes, we all get things wrong, babies always cry. But it's ok. You don't have to be perfect. Good enough is all that is required and I can tell you are easily good enough.

I don't know much about mental ill health but it kind of sounds like there's something going on that you need to get sorted. It's not normal to have so much self hatred and negative thoughts, and that's something that you need to deal with because it's obviously going to have an impact on both you and your relationships in the long run.

You're probably doing a great job and your kid loves you exactly as you are and thinks you're perfect, but you need to do something about how you feel about yourself.

Depression doesn't mean you have to feel 'sad' or 'down'. I have severe depression and I rarely feel that way. It can manifest in ways such as guilt, putting yourself down, feeling responsible for things that aren't your fault. The thing is, I'm sure you aren't any of those things, and I'm sure your son doesn't care, he just wants a mum who loves him, and it sounds like you love him so much. Please look into therapy - your gp can help.

OP, please call your GP as soon as possible. Write down how you feel beforehand - or use these posts as a reference - to make sure you tell your GP everything. You're not a bad person, you just need some support.

Theres been so many times that I felt this way back when mien were babies. So many days planned and they would cry or id underestimate what time we would be home so they'd be hungry or overtired or a million different things that i hadn't thought of.
My children are happy and healthy and I know I did my best but at the time I felt like the shittest mother in the world.
Youre not alone in feeling that .i also hated the way I looked and ive finally been able to get some weight off now my youngest is 4! It took a long time but I did it.
You will too. You just need to find what works for you.

A GP will take you seriously, you are very important for your son's support and well being; you're an adult.

I can see what your friend was saying. It can be useful to focus on the good in yourself, it's a challenge counsellors have set me "say something good, say a skill, what are you proud of" etc.

You have a son. Your body made him. Be proud of your body for doing that, it's an objectively positive thing... and go from there. I can only repeat things I have tried. But it is very powerful and challenging to stand in front of a mirror, look yourself in the eye and say something good. Treat yourself as a friend at first, push aside the negatives you would never put on to someone else?
It's corny, but hey, noones watching. And if it gives you even 5 minutes free of fee ling bad then it was worth it enough to try again.