To think going to ruin DC's life?

[ladylouanna]

DC 10 month old. I love him immensely but i can't help but feel he would be better off without me in his life.

I'd like to point out that I'm not depressed, these aren't feelings of post natal depression. These are genuine thoughts and feelings that I'm not a good mum and the complete fear of DC ending up like me.

I hate myself. This isn't a sympathy post, i'm not looking for some loving or kind words.

I genuinely hate myself. I hate the way I look. I hate my size.
Some people are overweight but they still look great, good hair, nice dress sense.

That's not me. I'm not pretty, I'm overweight and I dress in plain stretchy fat person clothes. I have flat limp hair.

I don't make the effort with friends because I hate how I look and feel like I have nothing to offer. Why would anyone want a friend that looks the way I do?!

I feel angry all the time. I feel like I do such a bad job at being a mum.
I took DC to the park yesterday and he was really upset.

I instantly felt like such a bad mum.
He was tired and I shouldn't have taken him when he was tired. What kind of a mum does that? I know he likes to nap in his cot so why didn't I let him nap there and then take him?!

I just knew everyone was judging me.
I was so awful to myself all the way home, name calling, bringing myself down.
It's like self harm, but mentally.

We went to the cost yesterday, I asked Hubby to take a pic of me and DC.
It was awful, definitely not one I will keep.
Other mums look great, I look like a pit bull terrier.

I can't be a mum to this gorgeous boy because I don't deserve him.

I've tried losing weight as I know that would help me massively, but I can't.
I'm addicted to food.

I don't want DC to ever be miserable like me. He's so happy and content i want him to be like that always but having me as his mum will just ruin him. 😔

Sorry you're feeling like this OP

To turn it around a little, do you hate ugly people? When you see someone who is a bit overweight, or has frizzy hair, do you loathe them? Do you despise them? Do you feel anger and scorn?

If you do, why is that? What in your values has lead to you feel this is the determiner of a good (or bad) person? Are those values helping you lead a happy life? You can work on this and change it.

If you don't feel that towards others, but you do about yourself, perhaps something has gone wrong in your self concept. The reason people are saying you sound depressed is that the kind of self hatred you are expressing is a classic feature of depression. If you google something like "hate myself but not others" you will find plenty of resources discussing this aspect of clinical depression.

Took him to the park when he wanted a nap, been there done that. Probably most mums have, that’s kinda how you learn a little bit though. However I remember the feeling when it was happening, such a useless mother I couldn’t even muster up the idea to stay home by the cot when my baby clearly wanted to nap! Also the stares from others, you literally want the floor to swallow you whole!

Awful at the time, just awful, but it’s things that happen to most parents really, the baby is only 10 months and hormones can still make you very irrational and emotionally vulnerable. Go to the GP. Your not depressed so anti depressants are not the answer, you need therapy I would assume.

Stop trying to be and look perfect! You appear to be a victim of social media....when you hear people say ‘it’s not real though’ its because it really isn’t real! So don’t compare.

You ARE good enough, only you seem to doubt that, it’s almost like your trying to convince yourself your nothing, it doesn’t need to be that way if you don’t want it to be. Start small and go from there.

For instance, I got up today and got myself and my son ready...look how motivational I am. I took my son to the park today, he didn’t like it and I’m such a good parent that I noticed his need to nap...I did well there being able to just ‘know’ what he wants/needs.
I noticed others staring at me today when my son was crying, I decided to go home, on the way home I was able to notice I was being cruel to myself over and over....next time just 2 insults will do then I’ll forget about it...ect

I hope you get this sorted op, you don’t deserve this and just need a little bit of help to realise this.

💐

OP, until recently - I used to talk shit to myself every day. Tell myself I'm the stupidest person to ever live, that I'm a horrible bitch and that everyone around me is only around me because they feel sorry for me, I'm disgusting and evil, and should have never had children because what a pity those poor children having such a trash person for a parent.

The only thing - THE ONLY THING - that has helped me is extensive therapy. I hadn't realised how the way I had grown up had taught me to feel about myself. How I sought out destructive behaviours and patterns because its all I knew.

You can feel different OP, I promise. I can now look in the mirror and think - I'm an ok person, lets have a quick smile and see if I can have a half decent day. Do go see your GP. You can feel different. Its possible.

Please accept a hug op and to say that everyone has something beautiful about them, and you are no exception.

Comfort eating is really common and is a vicious cycle. I would go to the GP and ask them what they can do for you because it is ruining the quality of your life. You tell the GP how much courage it took you to come and tell them everything you have told us, then get the support you need. You could be happy, confident and with a full life - but you need to start somewhere.

Find your self love, make it your mission, and don't give up.

work your post gave me a lump in my throat so true

You might not like yourself but I can guarantee to your son you are his favourite person in the whole world. I have also struggled with my weight and often do not like how I look. Then my eldest who is 4 will say things that make me feel like a million pounds. ‘Mummy you look beautiful’ (I was wearing a bright coloured Stripy T-Shirt) ‘mummy you are the best at XXX’ please please get some help for your self loathing, what you are describing is not normal and with some determination you can do something about it.

@workhomesleeprepeat

I used to talk shit to myself every day. Tell myself I'm the stupidest person to ever live, that I'm a horrible bitch and that everyone around me is only around me because they feel sorry for me, I'm disgusting and evil, and should have never had children because what a pity those poor children having such a trash person for a parent

I literally cried reading that another person has experienced this. 😢
It's me. It's just how I am.

It gives me hope knowing things can change.

It just never really occurred to me to get help as it's like trying to like someone you just do not like. 😔

@iamsupersayan

It just never really occurred to me to get help as it's like trying to like someone you just do not like. 😔

This!! I totally agree. And it's exactly how I feel too.

Your child does not care what you look like. He won't care until he's a teen and then even if you looked like Jenifer Aniston he'd think you were the most embarrassing person on the planet.

You need to tell your GP what you've told us and let a professional decide if you are depressed or not.

You might not like yourself but your son does and your partner. Do it for them if you can’t do it for you.

@Redcups64

You ARE good enough, only you seem to doubt that, it’s almost like your trying to convince yourself your nothing, it doesn’t need to be that way if you don’t want it to be. Start small and go from there.

But genuinely I do feel like nothing most days.

I feel like it's been going on for such a long time.

Even to the point that on my wedding day, I remember looking forward to that moment where I'd get to experience that feeling of feeling the prettiest id ever felt.

But I remember seeing myself on my wedding day and wanting to cry.

No amount of make up / hair styling can make me feel any better.
and I can't even blame my weight for that day either as I lost weight for my wedding.

I just do not like who, or what I am. 😔

I think this is why I've not thought to contact the Dr as I just don't really see how they can change that for me.

[quote ladylouanna]@Redcups64

You ARE good enough, only you seem to doubt that, it’s almost like your trying to convince yourself your nothing, it doesn’t need to be that way if you don’t want it to be. Start small and go from there.

But genuinely I do feel like nothing most days.

I feel like it's been going on for such a long time.

Even to the point that on my wedding day, I remember looking forward to that moment where I'd get to experience that feeling of feeling the prettiest id ever felt.

But I remember seeing myself on my wedding day and wanting to cry.

No amount of make up / hair styling can make me feel any better.
and I can't even blame my weight for that day either as I lost weight for my wedding.

I just do not like who, or what I am. 😔

I think this is why I've not thought to contact the Dr as I just don't really see how they can change that for me.

[/quote]
@ladylouanna I am so sorry you feel like this. I can certainly empathise- I too have days when I feel like this. It is usually a sign that I need to do some thing for myself and that I have let my own cup get too empty. This level of self loathing and low self esteem isn't mentally or emotionally healthy. Like others have said, therapy can help.
I also used to think it was my weight that was the issue- but 5 years ago I shifted lots of weight (in a very unhealthy and self hating way) and was probably the most anxious and miserable I had been in a while even though I actually looked rerally good. It was this that made me realise the weight wasn't the issue, the issue was clearly mental health. I went to GP, got a CBT referral and did 12 weeks. Then I paid privately for counselling sessions. It really helped.
I wish you all the luck in the world on your journey- it is possible to live not feeling like you currently are every single day

You're not a bad mum. Literally everyone sometimes misjudges when their child is tired or grouchy. I lost count of the times I thought I'd do something nice with the kids when they were little and it didn't work, and I felt like shit.

Please go and see your GP as a starting point - you may not like yourself, but you can work on learning to.

@jolokoy

To turn it around a little, do you hate ugly people? When you see someone who is a bit overweight, or has frizzy hair, do you loathe them? Do you despise them? Do you feel anger and scorn?

No. I don't.

But I feel empty on the Inside, I don't feel like I have anything to offer.

If the outside was pretty and attractive at least there would be a part of me that would have something worthy and perhaps I would actually like myself.

You need to understand that you are his mum. He will love you because of who you are. What you do. Your cuddles. The fact you feed him. You held his hand. You hugged him. You took him to school. You read him a story.

All children want is love and attention. They dont notice big noses, bad hair days and fat. What they do notice and remember is love.

I can't remember my mum lookwise as a child. I don't remember her weight. Or exactly how she wore her hair. What I remember is she never hugged me. She never was able to cry or show affection. She never cheered me on and told me what I was good at. She didn't help me with anything once I left school. Even now at 32 I love her. But I am sad I will never know what it feels like to have a heart to heart with a mother figure. I'll never feel like she's my best friend. I'll never have those pictures with her in cocktail dresses at parties. Because she isn't that sort of mum. She never went baby shopping with me. She never helped me with my new borns. She never even made me a cuppa or got me flowers after the birth. Nothing. She fussed the babies. But nothing for her daughter.

My honest advice is enjoy your life. Who cares. You can loose weight. You can have hair extensions. You can dye your hair. You can wear makeup. You can wear jeggings and rock a trendy top. You can smell nice.

But mostly be a good mum. Time, love and fun and support. Hug him even when's older. Listen to him. Tell him you are always there. Ask him his dreams. Tell him what he's good at. Teach him to be confident and brave.

He would never want anyone but you. You are his lovely wonderful mummy. The only person in this world he truly needs right now. There's only one you. He isn't going to think. I wish my mum was a leggy blonde with big boobs and a gorgeous face. None of us think that. As long as you are not smelly and dirty there's nothing he would be embarrassed by.

Embrace the mum tum. Do some YouTube work outs in the living room. Listen to music and dance about. Go for walks. Get yourself feeling better. You are beautiful to someone. None of us are beautiful to everyone. Believe me there are days I think God I look rough. It's normal. But please be kinder. He's your baby. Nobody else's. So enjoy him!

op you do have at least one great thing about you ( and l suspect lots more) You have a body that works, you are not disabled.

Just think about that for a moment, how important that is and how lucky your son is to have a mum capable of hugging him and taking him out and playing games with him.

That body you dislike, created him, be grateful for that, some women sadly never manage that.

You may hate how you look, well so do thousands of us, not many are beautiful or pretty or have a great body, only a lucky few born that way.
The rest, well acceptance is key here, but you have a husband and a beautiful son, so they think you are just fine, better than fine they love you.

Only you hate you, as others have said go to your GP get help and become the lovely person your DH and DS see.

You need some counselling.

Hi hun I could have written your post myself I have terrible self esteem and low self worth. I have three DC and feel like I fail them and they deserve better.
I am in therapy and my therapist is wondering about my having bpd I think its avpd but were going to be working through it.
I grew up in a very dysfunctional family lots of domestic violence and a sibling who bullied terribly being told your useless fat ugly etc over and over you believe it.
I know none of that helps you other than I wanted you to know your not alone xx
Do speak to gp about therapy/medication though x

@Happyinmyownworld

You need to understand that you are his mum. He will love you because of who you are. What you do. Your cuddles. The fact you feed him. You held his hand. You hugged him. You took him to school. You read him a story.

All children want is love and attention. They dont notice big noses, bad hair days and fat. What they do notice and remember is love.

I can't remember my mum lookwise as a child. I don't remember her weight. Or exactly how she wore her hair. What I remember is she never hugged me. She never was able to cry or show affection. She never cheered me on and told me what I was good at. She didn't help me with anything once I left school. Even now at 32 I love her. But I am sad I will never know what it feels like to have a heart to heart with a mother figure. I'll never feel like she's my best friend. I'll never have those pictures with her in cocktail dresses at parties. Because she isn't that sort of mum. She never went baby shopping with me. She never helped me with my new borns. She never even made me a cuppa or got me flowers after the birth. Nothing. She fussed the babies. But nothing for her daughter.

My honest advice is enjoy your life. Who cares. You can loose weight. You can have hair extensions. You can dye your hair. You can wear makeup. You can wear jeggings and rock a trendy top. You can smell nice.

But mostly be a good mum. Time, love and fun and support. Hug him even when's older. Listen to him. Tell him you are always there. Ask him his dreams. Tell him what he's good at. Teach him to be confident and brave.

He would never want anyone but you. You are his lovely wonderful mummy. The only person in this world he truly needs right now. There's only one you. He isn't going to think. I wish my mum was a leggy blonde with big boobs and a gorgeous face. None of us think that. As long as you are not smelly and dirty there's nothing he would be embarrassed by.

Embrace the mum tum. Do some YouTube work outs in the living room. Listen to music and dance about. Go for walks. Get yourself feeling better. You are beautiful to someone. None of us are beautiful to everyone. Believe me there are days I think God I look rough. It's normal. But please be kinder. He's your baby. Nobody else's. So enjoy him!

@Happyinmyownworld

This made me so emotional.

I only hope I can be all of those things to my son.

Your DC doesn’t care what you look like, he loves you for your smell, your touch, your voice, your kindness, your unconditional capacity to love him.

But mostly be a good mum. Time, love and fun and support. Hug him even when's older. Listen to him. Tell him you are always there. Ask him his dreams. Tell him what he's good at. Teach him to be confident and brave

It worries me every single day that I won't be able to give him all of this and more.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mood-self-assessment/

It might be helpful to have a look at something like this

Hun, you have to live with yourself for the rest of your life.

If you don’t like something about yourself, you can change it or change the way you see it.

If you can recognize your son deserves a “better” mum, you are fully able to recognize you deserve better. So stop the negative self talk, stop entertaining those negative thoughts... because we can control that. And try do something that makes you feel better.

Exercise is great for this- because of the endorphins... pick clothes that flatter your figure but also make you feel good. Try putting some make up on and blow drying your hair and every day and night put creams on your face and practice some self love.

You deserve better, you deserve to give yourself more grace, time and love.

Also therapy is amazing when you find the right therapist or counsellor.

I’m cheering you on, but you need to cheer yourself on to.

@ladylouanna

It's normal to feel worried sometimes. But you are capable of showing love and affection I presume? If you feel you can't do these things then I agree with others about getting professional help..... And believe me I don't like people saying you need therapy for everything thing going on Mumsnet. But honestly it's really sad you feel this way.

Why do you think you won't be able to support him over the years? These are the most important qualities after food, warmth and safety. Children need love and affection (age appropriate) and advice and support throughout their whole lives.

It's a genuine question. For example. He's 5 years old. He's drawn a great picture. Or he's learned to write his name. Or he's crying because someone upset him at school. Or he's worried about "monsters" what will you do? Do you feel in those situations you will be able to talk to him and cheer him up? Will you praise him and tell him what he's good at?

Feeling empty inside and hating yourself are symptoms of depression. Your baby loves you no matter what you look like.