AIBU / Selfish to not want to date a single Mum?

[jimmyjammy001]

I am a Male just turned 30, single for couple years, never married, no kids, own house, good job, having drinks with friends tonight and dating subject came up, none of which are dating people who allready have kids, I said not really anyone suitable on online dating as they have children and that is not what I want from a long term relationship, a couple of them (females) said that I am selfish for not dating women who allready have children.

I have done in the past, but it never worked out for me, I allways found it alot of hassle/problematic/dramas. I have met some genuinely nice women but unfortunately it comes down to the kids getting in the way for it not working out, if they were childless then I could see a future.

Some examples are:

Nights in with them and their children causing havoc, not what I or I think any bloke would want on a date night.

I would have to plan my lifestyle around their childcare arrangements, I do shift work and can have Mon, Tues and weds off but they might only have Thurs eve free for a few hours so I would rearrange shifts and then just as the date is going well they will look at their watch and be like it's half 8 I have to go back and relieve the babysitter and put the kids to bed. I like the dates where we can just sit back have drinks til like 11/12 after food then go back to one of our houses.

Holidays have allways been a no go, can only go during summer holidays and pay 4 times the price to somewhere like butlins, never can have weekends away just 2 of us, or last minute date nights, everything has to be planned weeks in advance so childcare can be arranged and sometimes their kids will go sick on the night which means date cancelled.

I want someone who can come out late with me and my friends and not have to dash off early each week and can do couple things as well. If I stay out then it causes arguments.

Staying over theres and usually have their kids jumping up and down on the bed in the morning, not fun!

Weekends if the kids are with them, we have to goto pepper pig World for the day or some animal adventure park and then go to hungry horse and eat rubbish food as it is a child friendly place and listen to kids running around screaming their heads off. Or watch them play football for a few hours, or dance practice. Non of which I can stand.

I suppose as a male with no children I have alot more time on my hands to go and do things on my days off, go on holidays outside of term time, nights and weekends away, camping, playing sports, non of which women with children that I have been with can do, it just allways feels like I am a part time boyfriend as only get to see them once or maybe twice a week, otherwise they are just to busy. I understand their kids need to allways come first and I will allways be second, would just much rather be with someone where we are both each others no 1 and can start a family from scratch not a ready made one.

Looking at longer term one or two I have been with rely heavily on benefits, I don't think I could live with someone else and their kids it would probably drive me insane and also being step dad, but also they're benefits would get recalculated if we were to move in together taking my salary into account which means they would not receive any benefit money and I would have to subsidize / give them over £1000 a month out of my take-home pay, which I really can't see as fair?

Then there is the dramas of the ex, as there is a reason they are not together, so you have to offer sympathy all of the time and agree with them when they talk negatively about the ex, birthdays and Xmas is allways very complicated, where kids should be having to pick them up from different places.

What is quite annoying/hilarious is that some womens dating profiles who have children genuinely can't understand what problems their kids bring to a relationship and will say my kids are my world and if your not man enough to handle them swipe left or it's your problem if you don't like my kids, they will get very defensive and hostile as soon as I mention that I am not interested due to the kids if they have not mentioned they have any previously.

In my opinion the cons far outweigh the pros, Surely I can't be unreasonable for not wanting any of this hassle? My own happiness should be paramount in a relationship, not just get into one to make someone else happy.

Not unreasonable at all.

Kind of strange you came to a forum predominantly used by mums to make a really long post about it.

Can’t say you sound very appealing as a potential date tbh.

Of course you’re free to date who you like.

Of course he's entitled to his preference @Angelina82 but the OP is actually pretty nasty and goady...so the responses shouldn't be all that surprising to anyone with half a brain.

I don’t see any nastiness in OP’s post. He feels as he feels and at least he has the decency to be honest about it. Unfortunately him being open about his feelings led to some women he was with calling him selfish, so he decides to come on a forum to discuss his reasoning. I just don’t see anything wrong with that at all. 🤷🏻‍♀️
I do see something wrong with you insinuating that people are thick just because they have a different perception than you though.

Why let it get to the stage where you're meeting the kids if you don't want to date single mothers?

@Clockticktock

Interesting that OP hasn't been back!

I think you're absolutely right that you need to date someone on the same wavelength as you. When I was single and childless I didn't want to date a man with kids either!

Saying that I think you come across sneery and horrible and I think if you ever have kids you'll look back on this post and cringe.

Yeah it's a goady post on a site with mainly mums. For what it's worth I agree you don't have to want to date a single mum. Your post is very sneery though. Just don't date them. Not all single parents rely heavily on benefits, you don't have to hand over your hard earned cash, you also don't have to go to pepper pig world and eat crap food. You've clearly just chosen a few unsuitable people if that's what you've previously encountered.

I'm sure your dazzling personality will attract the right lady for you.
😃

I’m a single parent and I wouldn’t date someone without kids because they’d either be like you and not really want the hassle kids entail (totally reasonable) or want their own some day which I am not willing to provide as I don’t want more. I’d only want to date someone at a similar life stage to me so no I don’t think you wanting to do the same is in any way unreasonable

A single male with no children. Yes, the obvious choice for you is Mumsnet

Goady fucker.

@IndecentFeminist

Not entirely sure why you're here?

Hmmm.

Don’t date single mothers then. It is pretty simple. Tell your friends it would be selfish of you to date single mothers, with no intention of moving the relationship along eventually.

If you're struggling to find someone who you would date, ask someone to read over your online profile. I can guarantee that your profile is putting off intelligent, independent women.

Your choice. I don't think most women doing online dating have kids though, especially in their 20s.

I mean your only 30, theres plenty of women who don't have children at this age, not really a problem, if you were 10 or 20 years older maybe there would be more potential partners with kids. Just don't date single women with children, you really don't have to justify yourself and I'm sure women with children would rather find a partner who would embrace their kids.

On behalf of all single women we don't want to date you either...so jog on

Not sure why you would come to mumsnet to tell us this. 🙄

It's your choice. I wouldn't want to date you either so fair enough

Totally your choice.

I’m 38 with 2 teens and I don’t want to date anyone with small kids, would prefer someone with grown up kids or no kids. Most the things you describe are my idea of hell too, I’ve done the kid thing (and step kids) and I now prefer adult time, eating out without kids and walking in child free places 🤣. I also don’t want a replacement parent for my teens and neither do they.

YANBU to want to prioritise your own life & feelings etc.

YABU if you think it's reasonable to think that anyone else will prioritise them. They will quite reasonably prioritise theirs.

YABU if you think that being so picky will necessarily serve you well in the long term.

YABU for writing such a blatantly goady opening post.

Sometimes I think we need more than 2 voting options.

@haveagoodyear

Some women do put their career and hobbies before relationships so you'll encounter the same problems with a busy child-free woman.

Bit of a stereotypical view of childfree by choice women there.

Other people's children are tiresome, you can generally tolerate your own. Date who you like, no-one cares.

Nope. You are totally right about not wanting to date someone with children. I have children and I wouldn't date a Man with children. You don't want children so why should you place yourself in a family unit just out of wanting to look like a 'nice guy'. Single parents get angry about this because in a way you are confirming their greatest fears to them and it hurts emotionally.

I love my children, but if I could do it again I would be childless. As a woman from an overbearing family, I didn't even know that not having children would be an option in my life. I'm raising my girls to know they are still worth something in this world even if they don't want babies. If I became single tomorrow, I would do what my (now 90yr old) nan did and enjoy raising my children and living the batchelorette life.

Of course, you are Not being selfish in not wanting to date single mothers. It is odd that someone who is able to articulate their perfectly reasonable position on this should be so insecure about their position as to need validation from strangers on the internet.

my own happiness should be paramount in a relationship
This also shows that you are not ready to be any kind or parent.
Or in any kind of relationship really. Because that’s not how relationships work. Wait until you mature a little.

I wouldn't date a man who can't spell "always", "already" or "a lot" 🤷🏼‍♀️

Who cares? If you don’t want to, don’t.

I’m a single mum, I don’t want to date a man who has kids, because I can’t be bothered with other people’s kids. That might change, but for the most part that’s my plan. It’s no big deal.

YANBU and the vast majority agree as the voting shows. It’s not selfish, it’s honest. Children are blooming hard work and it’s far better to be upfront that you don’t want the emotional and financial responsibility of becoming involved. What would be selfish and unreasonable would be to have a half hearted involvement, dipping in and out of kids’ lives - now thats damaging.

The only unreasonable thing is that you’ve written such a loooong post to tell us that you don’t want to date women with kids.

Just don’t do it. Lots of single women of around your age, 30, don’t have kids at all. Many women now choose not to have kids. Plenty more fish!

Yanbu, I wouldn't date a man who had kids either

It’s right that you have the insight to recognise you are too selfish to date a woman with children

Brilliant, not wanting your life to revolve around someone else’s kids is selfish? Not wanting to pay for someone else’s kids is selfish? Entitled much.

OP, you’re only 30, there are plenty of child free women your age out there so no, you don’t need the hassle and cost that comes with dating single mothers. This probably isn’t the right website to post this on though, as a lot of mothers think their own children are wonderful and can’t understand why you wouldn’t want to drop everything to take on their children.

Oh, and I hope you have had the snip, because you really wouldn't be a good dad!!!!

Would you say to a woman who didn’t want to date men with kids for the reasons given by the OP that she should get herself sterilised because she really wouldn’t be a good mother?