AIBU / Selfish to not want to date a single Mum?

[jimmyjammy001]

I am a Male just turned 30, single for couple years, never married, no kids, own house, good job, having drinks with friends tonight and dating subject came up, none of which are dating people who allready have kids, I said not really anyone suitable on online dating as they have children and that is not what I want from a long term relationship, a couple of them (females) said that I am selfish for not dating women who allready have children.

I have done in the past, but it never worked out for me, I allways found it alot of hassle/problematic/dramas. I have met some genuinely nice women but unfortunately it comes down to the kids getting in the way for it not working out, if they were childless then I could see a future.

Some examples are:

Nights in with them and their children causing havoc, not what I or I think any bloke would want on a date night.

I would have to plan my lifestyle around their childcare arrangements, I do shift work and can have Mon, Tues and weds off but they might only have Thurs eve free for a few hours so I would rearrange shifts and then just as the date is going well they will look at their watch and be like it's half 8 I have to go back and relieve the babysitter and put the kids to bed. I like the dates where we can just sit back have drinks til like 11/12 after food then go back to one of our houses.

Holidays have allways been a no go, can only go during summer holidays and pay 4 times the price to somewhere like butlins, never can have weekends away just 2 of us, or last minute date nights, everything has to be planned weeks in advance so childcare can be arranged and sometimes their kids will go sick on the night which means date cancelled.

I want someone who can come out late with me and my friends and not have to dash off early each week and can do couple things as well. If I stay out then it causes arguments.

Staying over theres and usually have their kids jumping up and down on the bed in the morning, not fun!

Weekends if the kids are with them, we have to goto pepper pig World for the day or some animal adventure park and then go to hungry horse and eat rubbish food as it is a child friendly place and listen to kids running around screaming their heads off. Or watch them play football for a few hours, or dance practice. Non of which I can stand.

I suppose as a male with no children I have alot more time on my hands to go and do things on my days off, go on holidays outside of term time, nights and weekends away, camping, playing sports, non of which women with children that I have been with can do, it just allways feels like I am a part time boyfriend as only get to see them once or maybe twice a week, otherwise they are just to busy. I understand their kids need to allways come first and I will allways be second, would just much rather be with someone where we are both each others no 1 and can start a family from scratch not a ready made one.

Looking at longer term one or two I have been with rely heavily on benefits, I don't think I could live with someone else and their kids it would probably drive me insane and also being step dad, but also they're benefits would get recalculated if we were to move in together taking my salary into account which means they would not receive any benefit money and I would have to subsidize / give them over £1000 a month out of my take-home pay, which I really can't see as fair?

Then there is the dramas of the ex, as there is a reason they are not together, so you have to offer sympathy all of the time and agree with them when they talk negatively about the ex, birthdays and Xmas is allways very complicated, where kids should be having to pick them up from different places.

What is quite annoying/hilarious is that some womens dating profiles who have children genuinely can't understand what problems their kids bring to a relationship and will say my kids are my world and if your not man enough to handle them swipe left or it's your problem if you don't like my kids, they will get very defensive and hostile as soon as I mention that I am not interested due to the kids if they have not mentioned they have any previously.

In my opinion the cons far outweigh the pros, Surely I can't be unreasonable for not wanting any of this hassle? My own happiness should be paramount in a relationship, not just get into one to make someone else happy.

Nothing wrong with what you want and I totally understand. I'm married and have a 17 month old and trust me if I was single, I wouldn't even want to date myself. Children are time consuming and you really do need to shape your life around them unless you have a nanny living with them or someone who has a great support network that can take on childcare for nights out or holidays.

So don't. I'm not quite sure what response you are hoping for from a parenting site, saying you don't want to date a parent. Do what you want (and whom you want). And good luck with it.

This exactly. You can do what you like but I don't understand why you would write a long post on a parenting site saying you don't want to date parents. Really strange.

It is a bit of a goady post but no nothing wrong with that preference at all. I don’t think most people will think there is.

OTOH your lack of confidence in your own values and decisions and need for justification and approval would put me off more though.

YANBU not to date single mothers
YABU to generalise about all kids behaviour/places they visit etc

I suppose the OP might have posted on MN because it's predominantly a site for parents and hence will include single women with children.
Since he's asking if he's BU about not wanting to date single mothers who better to ask than single mothers themselves?

If he'd posted on a predominantly single male website (presume there must be some) it probably would have been more of an echo chamber.

I don't for one minute think he ever entertained the idea that he might be BU, but possibly he thinks that showing his critical friends the results on MN might win his argument for him whereas posts from hypothetical SingleLadsNet might not.

I wouldn't date man with children and I say that as a someone who was a single mother when I met my dp.

Today 09:20 SerenDippitty

Oh, and I hope you have had the snip, because you really wouldn't be a good dad!!!!

Would you say to a woman who didn’t want to date men with kids for the reasons given by the OP that she should get herself sterilised because she really wouldn’t be a good mother?

Exactly! This is the sort of illogical ridiculous comment that’s an embarrassment to womankind.

A person doesn’t want to become romantically involved with someone who has kids, because they actually think about the emotional and economic implications and decide that they don’t want it.
That’s far better than not considering these issues and ending up dipping in and out of various kids’ lives.

Only in the strange universe of Mumsnet would it be considered ‘unnatural’ or selfish to not want to take on the burden of other people’s kids. No doubt the people saying this are the same ones posting about how damn hard it is being a parent, the daily grind, ‘hardest job in the world’ blah blah blah.

If a woman posted saying she didn’t want to date a man with children from a previous relationship you can bet your life no one would call her selfish, or even worse tell her to get sterilised. God, what goes through someone’s mind to even think that sort of comment?

Smacks of negging to me. Could OP be hoping for some DMs?

I'm more curious why a 30 year old single male with no children is even looking at, yet alone registered to post on a site like Mumsnet ? Unless this is a weird way for you to get single mums throwing them selves at you to prove they are worthy ? Kinda like negging ?
Although you are probably just a jurno looking for a scoop ?

I don’t really know why you’re posting about this. Of course it’s reasonable. It’s also pretty understandable.

X post lookatme.

What you want and what single mum want are a million miles apart. It would be stupid to date one, so don’t. You don’t want them and they wouldn’t want you either. That’s fine though, everyone is different and it’s sensible to go for what you like. I don’t like men who don’t have the get up and go to go places and do things, so I don’t date them. As we don’t match. Same thing.

@lookatmememe

I'm more curious why a 30 year old single male with no children is even looking at, yet alone registered to post on a site like Mumsnet ? Unless this is a weird way for you to get single mums throwing them selves at you to prove they are worthy ? Kinda like negging ? Although you are probably just a jurno looking for a scoop ?

I thought this. I thought it must be a troll.

Entirely up to you. If I was single I would might feel the same. But if I met someone who I really liked and clicked with I certainly wouldn’t let them having kids put me off.
You don’t have to justify why you don’t want to be a step parent or go out with a parent, it would be different from dating someone who was child free.

Oh please, these same women would then call you selfish if you got into a relationship with someone with kids and weren't willing to bend over backwards and sacrifice everything that matters to you to put them first. So it's selfish not to willingly fall into that situation, and it's also selfish not to be an absolute doormat once you're there. Basically anyone who is not perfectly happy to let their lives be completely ruled by someone else's kids is selfish.

Absolute bullshit. Stick to your guns because your instincts are right, and if you don't want a life that revolves around someone else's kids then you have every right to date accordingly.

YANBU at all. Though I bet if the woman of your dreams turns up and she has kids everything you've just said would be irrelevant. Life is funny like that.

Just be prepared for some women (with kids or without) to not like your lifestyle. Some women want men who don't work shifts, don't want men who go out a lot. Swings and roundabouts.

But you're being perfectly reasonable. I share each of your concerns.

I'm more curious why a 30 year old single male with no children is even looking at, yet alone registered to post on a site like Mumsnet ? Unless this is a weird way for you to get single mums throwing them selves at you to prove they are worthy ? Kinda like negging ?
Although you are probably just a jurno looking for a scoop ?

The "best" case scenario is that op took serious flack on Fri/sat night from.his female friends/acquaintances a d had a ver in his bonnet about it and thought he'd get opinions from a mums forum (the horse's mouth as it were) to go back to them with.

And yes got it ... 86% so far are vindicating his opinion (to some extent i.e. don't think he's being unreasonable).

*a bee in his bonnet

The point about a 30 year old single male being on MN....

I’ve often wondered why women who clearly state that they never want children are on a parenting site. And yes, there will be those who are step parents or whatever, but I’ve seen plenty of posts where they weren’t remotely in that zone. I never saw a post where they were questioned for being here. Anyone who questions it is shot down.

Why is a bloke different?

You are not unreasonable at all to want to date women without kids.

One part if your post did concern me, though. You said something along the lines of your happiness being paramount in a relationship. Don't forget about your partner's happiness, too.

I imagine that everyone has a list of preferences related to what sort of person they would like to date

What 30 year old would want to be lumbered with another man’s kids? He’s still young.

Anyway, it’s just the same as all the women on here saying they wouldn’t date a man with not much money. And that’s always so unpleasant to read. I do wish women would break those stereotypes instead of exasperating them.

@CountessFrog some people just have very tiny minds, that’s why! In the context of the actual issue - single mums with kids - MN is actually a very logical place to post!
Only on MN would a few people even imagine this must be a bloke secretly fishing for single mums with a handful of kids

I'm marrying a man with a child, and it's taken years for me to find my feet with it all. Luckily the child is great, he's a great dad, and we get weekends to just be 'us'. That said I completely understand your feelings. You're catapulted into a ready made family and the child, rightly so, will always come first. It's not for everyone, even more so if there's a bonkers ex in the picture!

Anyone else think @jimmyjammy001 was expecting to start WW3 and hasn’t come back as the responses have been balanced?