AIBU / Selfish to not want to date a single Mum?

[jimmyjammy001]

I am a Male just turned 30, single for couple years, never married, no kids, own house, good job, having drinks with friends tonight and dating subject came up, none of which are dating people who allready have kids, I said not really anyone suitable on online dating as they have children and that is not what I want from a long term relationship, a couple of them (females) said that I am selfish for not dating women who allready have children.

I have done in the past, but it never worked out for me, I allways found it alot of hassle/problematic/dramas. I have met some genuinely nice women but unfortunately it comes down to the kids getting in the way for it not working out, if they were childless then I could see a future.

Some examples are:

Nights in with them and their children causing havoc, not what I or I think any bloke would want on a date night.

I would have to plan my lifestyle around their childcare arrangements, I do shift work and can have Mon, Tues and weds off but they might only have Thurs eve free for a few hours so I would rearrange shifts and then just as the date is going well they will look at their watch and be like it's half 8 I have to go back and relieve the babysitter and put the kids to bed. I like the dates where we can just sit back have drinks til like 11/12 after food then go back to one of our houses.

Holidays have allways been a no go, can only go during summer holidays and pay 4 times the price to somewhere like butlins, never can have weekends away just 2 of us, or last minute date nights, everything has to be planned weeks in advance so childcare can be arranged and sometimes their kids will go sick on the night which means date cancelled.

I want someone who can come out late with me and my friends and not have to dash off early each week and can do couple things as well. If I stay out then it causes arguments.

Staying over theres and usually have their kids jumping up and down on the bed in the morning, not fun!

Weekends if the kids are with them, we have to goto pepper pig World for the day or some animal adventure park and then go to hungry horse and eat rubbish food as it is a child friendly place and listen to kids running around screaming their heads off. Or watch them play football for a few hours, or dance practice. Non of which I can stand.

I suppose as a male with no children I have alot more time on my hands to go and do things on my days off, go on holidays outside of term time, nights and weekends away, camping, playing sports, non of which women with children that I have been with can do, it just allways feels like I am a part time boyfriend as only get to see them once or maybe twice a week, otherwise they are just to busy. I understand their kids need to allways come first and I will allways be second, would just much rather be with someone where we are both each others no 1 and can start a family from scratch not a ready made one.

Looking at longer term one or two I have been with rely heavily on benefits, I don't think I could live with someone else and their kids it would probably drive me insane and also being step dad, but also they're benefits would get recalculated if we were to move in together taking my salary into account which means they would not receive any benefit money and I would have to subsidize / give them over £1000 a month out of my take-home pay, which I really can't see as fair?

Then there is the dramas of the ex, as there is a reason they are not together, so you have to offer sympathy all of the time and agree with them when they talk negatively about the ex, birthdays and Xmas is allways very complicated, where kids should be having to pick them up from different places.

What is quite annoying/hilarious is that some womens dating profiles who have children genuinely can't understand what problems their kids bring to a relationship and will say my kids are my world and if your not man enough to handle them swipe left or it's your problem if you don't like my kids, they will get very defensive and hostile as soon as I mention that I am not interested due to the kids if they have not mentioned they have any previously.

In my opinion the cons far outweigh the pros, Surely I can't be unreasonable for not wanting any of this hassle? My own happiness should be paramount in a relationship, not just get into one to make someone else happy.

I’m not sure your preference required such a long opening post. You prefer to date women who don’t have children. Great! I felt the same. So I’m now with my fiancé and we have two children together. Zero hassle with irritating exes, no need to blend families, it worked out really well.

Date who you like!

I'm a single mum of three and even I wouldn't date me. I'm boring and don't even have every other weekend off. That said I have never been to Pepper Pig world, a Hungry Horse or Butlins.

@LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett

What did you want from this post OP? Did you want all the mums to gnash their teeth that they couldn't have you, or did you want us to tell your pals off for you, or did you want us to throw each other under the bus for a Pippa pig-free shag on a Sunday?

You do you pet, you're grand.

Yes, I wondered what he wanted by his post. Is Tinder not working out for you, dude?

Oh dear, I think the op was expecting MN to lose it's shit over this question.
0/10

Like other women on this thread, I wouldn't date a man who had kids either. I'm not even sure I want kids, why the hell would I take someone else's on?

I don't get why some have gotten upset because you've explained you've met some women who have uncontrolled brats for kids. Some women/parents (shocker!) don't parent very well and do let their kids run riot, screaming all the time. I used to live next to a family who had the worst kids ever, screaming constantly, stamping up and down the stairs all day (this was an old house with thick walls, very hard to hear other people if they were being normal so that shows how loud they were). Parents didn't give a fuck. Not everyone does this thank god, but you've met the ones that do.

Plus there is usually some drama with the ex, or they may cause a drama. Again, not everyone out there is sane and acts rationally when their ex has a new partner.

It's just not worth the hassle of finding out and wasting months of getting to know someone, plus if their standards of parenting and dealing with an ex aren't similar to mine, we are hardly going to work well are we? Kind of need to be on a similar page to parent, makes it much easier if you're not arguing with each other.

I find it very hard to believe that everyone within average dating range of a 30 year old, on online dating sites, has children.

I didn't want to date anyone with children when I was young, so I didn't. Then I fell in love with someone who has two and I married him. Neither decision requires justification.

Given your opinion on the inconvenience their children cause, I'd imagine most of these single mums wouldn't want to date you anyway, so problem solved 🤷‍♀️

Of course it isn't selfish. I was a single mum, it is hard work most of the time with regards to dating. I've been lucky enough to find someone who is willing to fit in with our lives rather than expect us to accommodate him.
I would have been reluctant to date someone with children and before I had kids, I didn't want to be in a relationship with someone who had them.
It's better to be honest and upfront.
However, given your weird views about single mums, you do come off as a knob and I'm pretty sure single mums aren't going to want to date you either, so it's a win all round.

Nothing selfish about it, op. Kids are a deal breaker for me too. I don’t want any of my own and I’m certainly not having someone else’s in my life, requiring compromise and work-arounds.

Some posters here are very defensive though. And of course the ‘bingo’ well why are you even on MUMSnet then, it’s a parenting forum line has been trotted out. The reality is of course, that there’s much more to this forum than parenting and many posters who aren’t posters, but that line gets trotted out triumphantly and with such indignation if anyone dares to suggest they don’t want kids in their life.

Stop feeding the troll people

Oh, and I hope you have had the snip, because you really wouldn't be a good dad!!!!

Why wouldn’t he? He just doesn’t want to put up with and play stepdad to anyone’s kids. What’s wrong with that? That doesn’t mean he would be bad dad to his own children in the future. When he wants children in his life he’ll have his own and I’m sure he’ll be a good dad and his priorities in life will adjust accordingly.

Nope, you're not being selfish at all. I wouldn't if I was single (and young) again.

Funnily, in a conversation with a widower in his sixties (never had children) was looking for a woman with no grandchildren!! He said they were often unavailable because of this, never even crossed my mind at that age!

@DangerMouse17

You seem to make some strange generalizations about single mothers. I've never been to Butlins or Hungry Horse...and my child doesnt create havoc because he's well behaved.

You've just come here to bash single mothers in my view. You can date who you want, no need to create a thread about it.

Oh and it's totally ok. We dont want you.

Wow, you seem so angry. The OP stated that his female friends called him selfish so he wanted to put it out there to get a general consensus. There is nothing odd about not wanting to date a single parent. He may not be ready for a family. He may not even want kids. You are the one who seems odd, not him

@sammylady37

Nothing selfish about it, op. Kids are a deal breaker for me too. I don’t want any of my own and I’m certainly not having someone else’s in my life, requiring compromise and work-arounds.

Some posters here are very defensive though. And of course the ‘bingo’ well why are you even on MUMSnet then, it’s a parenting forum line has been trotted out. The reality is of course, that there’s much more to this forum than parenting and many posters who aren’t posters, but that line gets trotted out triumphantly and with such indignation if anyone dares to suggest they don’t want kids in their life.

Plenty of people of both sexes without children useMn to discuss tv, health, celebrity gossip, chicken-keeping, C-19 etc etc. Rather fewer come on here to lengthily justify why dating parents doesn’t suit their lifestyle.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.
If you don’t want to date someone with kids you’re totally within your right to. However it sounds from your post you have dated many people with children so maybe just stop and start dating childless people. It’s not really fair on the women or the kids to date them if you know there is no future. Plus you’re not exactly old at 30ish? Surely there are plenty of women without children you meet?

YANBU obviously. You can date whomever you like. You are allowed to choose partners based on characteristics a lot more trivial than that - hair colour, hobbies, shoes size if you like . Whereas them having children is something that could have a significant effect on your relationship and lifestyle.

When I was newly divorced, with very young children, I remember a man at working ranting on to me that he would never want or date a woman with children. He spelled out all the reasons why, just like you've done here in your post.

I remember feeling really shocked. It was partly because he seemed to be assuming I'd want to date him, but also because he was busy saying all this to my face. I didn't really know why he wanted to tell me or what on earth he expected me to say in response. It felt like he was saying "stay away from me!" (I had no desire whatsoever to date him.)

Like others have said, do what you want. You're only 30, go out and chat to women in real life. The phrase that stood out for me in your post though was "my own happiness should be paramount in a relationship" 😱. It set alarm bells ringing. I get that you don't want to put someone else's children first, but what about the woman you end up dating? Does her happiness come into your plans at all? Also, you do realise that lots of people have jobs that mean they can't swan off at short notice to wherever you have decided you want to go to? You do come across as quite angry about all these single women throwing themselves at your feet. Maybe online dating isn't for you.

(By the way. If you do end up with your own kids, never, EVER, take them to the horror that is Peppa Pig World, you're right about that. )

I'm a single Mother and no I wouldn't date you with that attitude, why on earth are you posting that on a parenting forum anyway?

I'm a single parent on benefits and agree with everything you said. I don't date as I know I'm never going to be top of anyone's lists but if I ever did I would prefer to date someone with children.

You sound like my younger brother!!!

It is a case of people "coming as a package" but if that's not what you want then just don't get involved! There are plenty of single ladies with no kids out there. Just be upfront tho and don't start seeing anyone with kids then think "it'll be different this time" realise it won't then dump them.

My younger brother was seeing a lovely girl but she had 2 children both with different dads who had them different weekends so she could have quality time with each one and it was a nightmare for my brother as she always wanted to stay in and cook and one or other or both kids were there. He's 27 and not ready to think about kids yet.

When I was a single mum I wouldn’t date another single parent- the beauty of dating is that you can date whoever you like! So you crack on. (I didn’t want to have to blend families or deal with another horrible ex or negotiate child free simultaneous weekends with childcare etc).

I do think however that it actually sounds like maybe you don’t ever want children at all. And that’s okay too. But just something to consider.

I am 50 and married, if we ever split up and I started dating again I wouldn’t rule out men with grown up children. But when I was younger no I wouldn’t have dated a man with children. Never felt the need to justify that or even say it before now.

Up to you. I'm a single mother and wouldn't date me, I'm broke and incredibly boring. For someone who doesn't like/want to date single mothers you've apparently dated quite a few though.

That's a very long opening post, OP, not sure why you felt you had to explain/justify your reasons in such detail.

If that's how you feel, that's how you feel, I can't see anything wrong with it, crack on.

YANBU, but I would say you have perhaps been unlucky with the mothers you have dated so far.
Some would totally agree with you, love doing adventure stuff, have a large network of friends/family they can call on on short notice to offload the kids while you go have couple time, have boundaries with the kids so they don't come running into the bedroom every morning etc etc.

Obviously it will ALWAYS be different to dating someone who is single, but i'd still give it consideration.