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Original poster

WTF would you do. ? So called friend !!!!

252 replies

Highfivemum · 29/08/2020 19:52

Long story . I have a friend who I know through school. She has two DD. I have 6 DC ( 2 DD and 4 DS). Over the 6 years I have know her I have always given her my DD clothes they have outgrown. I feel for her as she is a Single parent and doesn't work. Last year I gave some of my DD outfits to another friend at school who helped me out when I needed her and she commented that she could have done with the clothes. I didn’t take much notice as I didn’t know if it was said in jest but it stuck with me. Then at the beginning of the year she asked me if my daughter had outgrown one of her dresses as she had a party. I stupidly pick a few of my daughters dresses that were getting to small and gave her them. I said to my DH i was going to move away from the friendship as I wasn’t happy that I was being used. I really am happy to help but felt she was over stepping mark. I had my last DC in April And due to covid haven’t seen her. She messaged last week and said she will drop a gift off and leave it on the porch I thanked her. When I opened the present it was a two pairs of socks along with a note saying she has missed seeing me at school and she is happy to come over if I left some of my DD clothes in the porch. She made out she was doing me a favor...I really felt like I had mug on my head. How would you deal with it. !! We only see each other through school..

OP posts:
Tootsie321 · 30/08/2020 22:45

@greengreengrass14

Touching a nerve Entitled

Yes, absolutely it did and does.

Because EVERYBODY is entitled to a life free of worry about essentials.

Especially if they are bringing up kids and especially if they are doing it on their own.

No apologies for being.

@greengreengrass14 you are saying that “EVERYBODY is entitled to a life free of worry about essentials.” Lets be honest, in this situation, it isn’t the essentials that the OP’s “friend” actually wants! She wants party dresses and fancy dungarees! These aren’t essentials. They may be nice to have, but they aren’t essentials.

However, the issue is that OP’s “friend” doesn’t want to wait until she is offered these clothes! She is asking for the dresses, not waiting till she is offered them. She is eyeing up dungarees, while OP’s daughter is still wearing them. It is bad enough that she is eyeing the dungarees up, but verbalising to the OP that she hopes her dd daughter has a growth spurt, in anticipation of getting them for her dd is very entitled.

We all want the best for our dcs, but unfortunately many of us can’t afford the best. We just have to make do with what we can afford, not lust after what someone else has, like this “friend” is.

greengreengrass14 · 30/08/2020 23:12

Sure in response to the poster, I'm on 'something'

It's called social justice.

Not sure when it was acceptable to call anybody a 'parasite'

let alone a single parent in the middle of a global pandemic.

Sure, I'm 'on' something.

It's called social justice, and equity. No one has the right to call someone else a 'parasite'

Dillydallyingthrough · 30/08/2020 23:40

greengreengrass14 I was a SP, and really hard up with no help but I still didn't expect anyone to clothe my child. I had her, she is my responsibility, I think you might be projecting here but I'm hoping you would not be friends with people just so they can clothe your DC? The OP was being kind, this person took the piss. I also find the quotes you have used to be offensive as someone of colour. No one has any responsibility to provide essentials for children except the parents, tbh that attitude is why I found it embarrassing to admit I was a SP as I didn't want anyone to think that was my mindset.

Jeremyironsnothing · 30/08/2020 23:46

Ignore the idiots op.

I've always given clothes away because, like you I'd rather they went to a good home where I know they are appreciated.
I wouldn't like it if it went from appreciated to expected either. That sense of entitlement is unreal. Socks given in friendship a few weeks earlier would have been lovely and the gesture would be appreciated, but as an excuse to ask for more clothes? Just no.

kidsdrivingmemad · 30/08/2020 23:46

@greengreengrass14
Wtf has social justice got to do with a CF expecting free clothes because she is to lazy to get a job to pay to clothe her own child? 😂

AhNowTed · 30/08/2020 23:48

It comes down to this OP.

It's nice to be nice. But when that becomes an expectation, an entitlement, then* you're just being used.*

AhNowTed · 30/08/2020 23:49

Bold fail. Oh well.

serialreturner · 30/08/2020 23:52

CF. That is all.

serialreturner · 30/08/2020 23:54

Local refugee charity instead?

They arrive with the clothes on their back if lucky. I’d say something sarcastic about that.

CandyLeBonBon · 31/08/2020 00:03

* ...free clothes because she is to lazy to get a job to pay to clothe her own child?*

Is this your view on everyone with kids who doesn't work? Asking for a friend! Glad to see the benefit bashers out in force. Is it a full moon or something? 🙄

Enough4me · 31/08/2020 00:04

I had a similar situation when I only saw a 'friend-in-need' when I had clothes to pass on. I realised when she sent her DH around to collect some bags and he joked about not needing to buy anything and saving loads rather than thanking me. I didn't want money, just a genuine 'thanks'. I didn't contact her after that and she mentioned coffee a few times, but when I didn't mention clothes she didn't follow up.

For background, I'm the single-parent in this situation and I always thank and am grateful for gifts that have been given to my DC and me.

OP, focus on the genuine people in your life, ditch her.

Ohtherewearethen · 31/08/2020 00:23

@greengreengrass14 - you're actually embarrassing yourself with your incoherent ramblings now. You appear to be taking this extremely personally. Being upset at being used by someone you thought was a friend but has actually started demanding the clothes off your daughter's back, does not make someone a facist. You drawing comparisons between someone wanting to give her children's old clothes to a more deserving cause and the genocide of millions of BAME people in the war does not make you a social justice warrior. It makes you a tone-deaf, ignorant muppet.
Once more for the hard of thinking. The world does not owe you anything. Your friends are not responsible for clothing your children, despite calling dibs on clothes their child is still wearing. It is your responsibility to make sure your children's needs are being met. Not society as a whole. This does not make society facist. It makes you appear grabby and entitled. You seem to think that being a single mum 'during a global pandemic' allows you to behave as offensively as you like while calling everybody who doesn't agree with you a facist! Just bizarre.

Touchmybum · 31/08/2020 01:14

I chose not to give away any of my DC's clothes because, after having DD1 I knew I wanted to have more children. When my family was complete I offered clothes to my sister, who really just wanted to choose her own. I did a clearout last summer, keeping the things that my grandchildren might wear, and donating the rest to charity.

It's entirely up to the person who bought the clothes to decide what they want to do with them!

Glitter7 · 31/08/2020 01:43

Well said Enoughforme! Totally agree!

mantlepiece · 31/08/2020 01:56

Well green grass no need to be outraged on the ‘friends’ behalf from a social justice point of view.
The reason the OP stopped giving this person the clothes is because the ‘friend’ took the hump because she gave some clothes to another needy person.

This person wanted everything for herself, she could not bear to see someone else benefiting from the OP’s kindness.
That is the crux of the matter.

urkidding · 31/08/2020 06:17

Tell her how you feel. Explain to her that you think your daughter's clothes should benefit other people as well. She cannot rely on them. She's now worried that she's not going to get them, and her daughter's come to rely on them. It's very difficult when you're kind and you feel your kindness is misjudged. Often, when I've given people things or money, they have come to expect things from me. It's become the 'norm' . I've worked hard all my life, and made life choices which meant I was working and saw far less of my children, when friends were playing badminton and going to every event at school which I couldn't do. You're so 'lucky' a friend told me, when I gave a generous present to her daughter. Yes, I am, we lived in terrible rented accommodation when I was younger, and I decided to make my own luck and worked very hard for it. She needs to start saving.

Yutes · 31/08/2020 07:41

It is not solely up to the OP to make sure that her “friend” can get the “essentials” though, is it?
It’s nice to be nice. And it’s nice to have nice things.

But it’s not nice to be a CF

browneyes77 · 31/08/2020 07:52

@greengreengrass14

Sure in response to the poster, I'm on 'something'

It's called social justice.

Not sure when it was acceptable to call anybody a 'parasite'

let alone a single parent in the middle of a global pandemic.

Sure, I'm 'on' something.

It's called social justice, and equity. No one has the right to call someone else a 'parasite'

You are taking bollocks and making yourself look more deranged with every further post.

You are completely (and maybe purposely) missing the point of the OP’s post and twisting it into something it isn’t.

This ‘friend’ of the OP’s has gone from just accepting clothes from the OP, to practically demanding them. She now expects the clothes to be handed to her and isn’t even waiting for the OP to offer them.

She’s now pushing to have the clothes when they’re still on the back of OP’s DD. And even making snidey comments when the OP gives some clothes to another person who also needs them.

That is taking advantage of someone’s goodwill and being grabby. And people tend to get a little narked, when someone is trying to take advantage of their good nature.

Your responses are over the top, aggressive and ridiculous. Stop banging on about fascism and social justice. They have nothing whatsoever to do with the point of this thread.

Scarriff · 31/08/2020 08:05

As others have said. 'Best not to rely on us for a while. Money is a bit tight with the latest addition' is a graceful but clear statement that should resonate with your friend. But tell us, is she fun? Would she help you with the children if you asked? Do you enjoy her company? If the quality of her friendship is there for you, then do not let her anxiety and loneliness during Covid mean the end.

Notyouraveragecliche · 31/08/2020 08:05

I'd be honest with her and state the way you are feeling. I always give my dc clothes away to a friend but they have never ever made me feel used or that my friendship is dependant on it. Cut ties with her, she doesn't seem much of a friend tbh

bluebella4 · 31/08/2020 10:40

I believe you have been very kind. Few have missed this point. You have every right to decide who you give clothes too, this "friend" is now expacting these clothes, this I believe is crossing a line. Just because you have gave her clothes do not mean she gets to claim the nor do you have to give them to her. Rather than upsetting yourself, just ascert yourself by doing what you just did, letting her know you have no clothes for her. If you feel you need to distance, then do that.

Hipflask08 · 31/08/2020 11:05

Jesus Christ some people on here really are batshit Blush

YANBU OP, well done for sticking up for yourself!

Ronnie68 · 31/08/2020 15:56

She doesn't even deserve a reply!
It sounds almost as if she'll only visit if you reward her with your dd's clothes. I know how that feels from past experience and it isn't very nice.
I'd leave it and then if she asks again (sounds like she's likely to) I'd just keep saying oh there aren't any until she takes the hint. It'll be interesting to see if u hear anymore from her once she realises the cash cow has dried up.

Mary46 · 31/08/2020 16:02

Not nice being entitled to it. Yes some people are so cheeky. My cousin gave me kids clothes v kind but I never presumed or expected stuff from her

HenriettaH · 31/08/2020 21:09

OP said she needs clothes so I would give them if I didnt need them. But I would tell her that I will contact her when I have something ready...she doesnt need to ask.