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AIBU?

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Original poster

WTF would you do. ? So called friend !!!!

252 replies

Highfivemum · 29/08/2020 19:52

Long story . I have a friend who I know through school. She has two DD. I have 6 DC ( 2 DD and 4 DS). Over the 6 years I have know her I have always given her my DD clothes they have outgrown. I feel for her as she is a Single parent and doesn't work. Last year I gave some of my DD outfits to another friend at school who helped me out when I needed her and she commented that she could have done with the clothes. I didn’t take much notice as I didn’t know if it was said in jest but it stuck with me. Then at the beginning of the year she asked me if my daughter had outgrown one of her dresses as she had a party. I stupidly pick a few of my daughters dresses that were getting to small and gave her them. I said to my DH i was going to move away from the friendship as I wasn’t happy that I was being used. I really am happy to help but felt she was over stepping mark. I had my last DC in April And due to covid haven’t seen her. She messaged last week and said she will drop a gift off and leave it on the porch I thanked her. When I opened the present it was a two pairs of socks along with a note saying she has missed seeing me at school and she is happy to come over if I left some of my DD clothes in the porch. She made out she was doing me a favor...I really felt like I had mug on my head. How would you deal with it. !! We only see each other through school..

OP posts:
Nikori · 30/08/2020 13:30

Good job, OP!!

Where do you buy your kids' clothes? Are they nice clothes or cheap stuff. Just curious!

Original poster
Highfivemum · 30/08/2020 14:31

@Nikori

Good job, OP!!

Where do you buy your kids' clothes? Are they nice clothes or cheap stuff. Just curious!

My DB spoils my DC as does my Aunt. Usually next, fatface that sort of thing.
OP posts:
OVienna · 30/08/2020 17:35

@greengreengrass14

Oh my God you are the seriously entitled one.

I am a single parent too.

Learn this. A gift has ribbons. It does not have strings attached.

Ok you gave her some stuff. So grown up about it. That was your grown up choice.

Get over it. Move on. And if you want to salve your conscience about your so called 'better standing' gift it to a charity instead.

You sound like a really entitled person.

Oh, the friend is here!

"A gift has ribbons, not strings attached."

If the OP is entitled (hint: she's not), my reaction to this post is that it takes one to know one.

OVienna · 30/08/2020 17:39

This thread is populated by some of the most sanctimonious, judgey people 🤬

You don't say? Indeed, I noticed that too.

somthinginthewoodshed · 30/08/2020 17:45

It’s nice to feel outgrown clothes are used and appreciated by someone else - I’ve certainly been both recipient and donor in the past. However it sounds like she’s beginning to take your kindness for granted and on that basis I’d either tell her nicely you’ll let her know when you have something to pass on, or do as another reader suggests and give her one or two less nice pieces. You could also say you have sold them on EBay to make a bit of pocket money for your DDs - I’d probably do the latter.

Glitter7 · 30/08/2020 17:47

I used to do this with my SIL and never ever got a thank you. Found out she'd been selling things. Now I actually choose to give them to someone who'd really appreciate them and that's exactly what I do. I don't even get a birthday card from my SIL and after everything she's had!!
Some people are just "takers," they will take whatever they can get out of you.

MrsRagnarLothbrok · 30/08/2020 17:56

put them on vinted, I do with my kids outgrown clothes, bit of money in the bank

Kate0902900908 · 30/08/2020 17:58

My husband buys very well made, expensive and high end clothes. He regularly has sort outs and offers everything to my nephews and nieces.
One time my niece took everything, she is really quirky and likes to ware unusual clothes in unusual ways etc. She then text me saying my own sister had taken the clothes and put them on eBay!! ( I would have don't that myself ) and she made over £200!! All clothes have gone on eBay moving forward. We now treat the kids with the money.

MyMorningHairHasItsOwnVlog · 30/08/2020 18:01

I’ll risk the wrath of some posters and say I’d rather put the clothes in the bin than give them to this user. She’s the definition of a CF.

Don’t make excuses, just say no. You’ve more than enough to do with your own family.

I don’t feel sorry for people like this.

Congratulations on the baby!

SallyB392 · 30/08/2020 18:06

Just tell her that if you have anything spare you will let her know, but that things are tight so you may try to sell them. Or simply say 'I won't have any more clothes that I can let you have, but why don't you try the charity shops, if you can't afford the full price they will often reduce the price, or the food bank, they do sometimes have clothes too, if all else fails try asking on line'

But really you don't have to say anything, just tell her no every time she asks, eventually she should twig!

Luddite26 · 30/08/2020 18:09

Have to say i always gave my children's clothes away - never dreamt of selling them. I was giving all my grandson's clothes to my stepdaughter for her DS and behind my back her mum was selling them on facebook. It leaves a really bad taste. She would rather go to Primark and buy wine with the profit from the clothes. Have you seen the girl wearing the clothes? I would just give her a few or say you haven't any. I feel she is definitely a CF.

readingismycardio · 30/08/2020 18:13

Just tell her you're selling them for actual CASH. What can she say?!

Ellie4747 · 30/08/2020 18:16

Hmm I’m torn here, as yes she ain’t made much of an effort however she could just be like that especially if single mom she may have a lot to juggle! but she could genuinely need the clothes, and as for the pair of socks maybe that’s all she could afford. And in terms of selling them if you was giving them away for free anyway does it matter if she does this may be her way of getting some money when she has so little. I think some times people are so quick to see the negative side of everything forget that they may be a reason behind someone actions.

mbosnz · 30/08/2020 18:18

I don't have a problem handing clothes on, but I do have a problem with someone thinking they are entitled to them, as of right.

Plumbuddle · 30/08/2020 18:21

I've read all your posts but not all the comments, sorry.

Sounds like you have brought things to a graceful conclusion but the bit that I note with interest is the makes of clothes you have on the kids. Very classy. She is making a beeline for those brands.

You mention she may raise clothes again. My personal advice should that happen is total radio silence. Let her then be in the position that to raise it again exposes her as incredibly rude and selfish. If she does it, fine, she has only humiliated herself and you continue to ignore without any sense of guilt. If she does not, she gets the message and your acquaintanceship continues with a neat unspoken boundary.

In my experience people without boundaries have to be shown them very firmly indeed.

hippicat · 30/08/2020 18:54

I agree with blogtheblogger. ‘Thank you for the socks’ and give the clothes to someone else - spread your generosity around a bit.

DreamTheMoors · 30/08/2020 18:55

Here’s an old saying for you, @greengreengrass14

If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say ANYTHING at all.

Nobody likes a bully.

FortniteBoysMum · 30/08/2020 18:59

I would tell a white lie and say that smother friend has a child slightly younger than dd and a child about a year older than your youngest. Same gender
You have mutually agreed to give each other the stuff they out grow as you both will benefit.

Carriecakes80 · 30/08/2020 19:04

Personally, I would just leave this well alone. She wants your stuff, not your friendship.
I was always the Mum at the school that folk felt sorry for as I was bringing up my son on a very limited income in a very affluent area, and we were given some lovely clothes by friends, but never would I ever had moaned if they had been given to someone else, or would I have asked someone for me either, and I was desperate as my son was growing so fast, we had no family around and every penny was accounted for. However, I made it work, and while my lad might not have had the named brands, this just made him more determined not to be stuck and broke like me! lol
You have been more than kind, I think she is def being a CF, and you need to distance yourself, as she does need to learn that while its lovely to get a treat of some freebies, you don't put terms and conditions onto them!!

browneyes77 · 30/08/2020 19:38

@greengreengrass14

Who is the 'freind' here.

I don't think it is the OP. And no, I'm not on the 'wrong' thread.

Differnet meaning of 'entitled'.

OP clearly has some stuff going on about needing to be 'needed' and judging other people for their circumstances.

We are in a global pandemic here.

Who on earth does she think she is?

She doesn't want to donate so someone.

Well don't.

and don't whinge about decisions afterwards.

If she wants to salve her conscience about being better off, financially, not morally or emotionally

chuck the stuff in the recycling bin instead.

No integrity of OP. At all .

Wow.

Talk about spectacularly missing the point and going off on an aggressive and unnecessary rant.

Sounds like something touched a nerve, the way you’re sounding off. Are you the OP’s ‘friend’ by any chance? Hmm

Localocal · 30/08/2020 19:44

I would just keep giving her the clothes as your daughter grows out of them. At least you know they are going to someone who will appreciate them. It sounds like she is struggling for money but still wants her daughters to have nice things, which is only natural. If she is prepared to be a little pushy to give her daughters the party dresses she can't afford to buy them, maybe that makes her a less than ideal friend. But it also makes her a good mother, and I would still try to have a sister's back on this.

If she needs the clothes and you don't, just give her the clothes. How is it nice to make her "earn" them by being your best friend?

cameocat · 30/08/2020 19:52

I have been given lots of hand me downs over the years and feel so lucky but would never expect.

Equally I have a friend who I give to now and she is so grateful. It is lovely passing things on but I'd also hate to give to someone who was using me / entitled.

user1490954378 · 30/08/2020 20:13

If the main reason she wants to see you is for clothes, which it quite clearly is, I would be telling her that you're not giving away anything else incase someone in your family needs them. If she quizzes you further, just ignore. You don't owe her clothes or explanations, and she sounds like she is indeed using you. If she hassles you any further about it, just block her and ignore.

Ohtherewearethen · 30/08/2020 20:41

@browneyes77 - quite. Apparently it's now acceptable to start demanding the clothes off your 'friends' children's backs and you can't refuse else you'll be seen as morally and emotionally bankrupt and completely lacking integrity. This post appears to have hit a nerve with this particular poster @greengreengrass14 who would have the OP's head atop the nearest spike for daring to be upset that a person she had previously thought of as a friend and helped has now told her that she only wants to see her if she can give her some of her children's clothes, if there is something in it for her. But sure, OP is the one lacking morals, and manners obviously.

wingsanddreams · 30/08/2020 20:50

I don't think it has anything to do with one's financial situation, from my own experience. It's just users and genuine people. Say "no" now you will be rid of these parasites sooner than later.