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AIBU?

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Original poster

WTF would you do. ? So called friend !!!!

252 replies

Highfivemum · 29/08/2020 19:52

Long story . I have a friend who I know through school. She has two DD. I have 6 DC ( 2 DD and 4 DS). Over the 6 years I have know her I have always given her my DD clothes they have outgrown. I feel for her as she is a Single parent and doesn't work. Last year I gave some of my DD outfits to another friend at school who helped me out when I needed her and she commented that she could have done with the clothes. I didn’t take much notice as I didn’t know if it was said in jest but it stuck with me. Then at the beginning of the year she asked me if my daughter had outgrown one of her dresses as she had a party. I stupidly pick a few of my daughters dresses that were getting to small and gave her them. I said to my DH i was going to move away from the friendship as I wasn’t happy that I was being used. I really am happy to help but felt she was over stepping mark. I had my last DC in April And due to covid haven’t seen her. She messaged last week and said she will drop a gift off and leave it on the porch I thanked her. When I opened the present it was a two pairs of socks along with a note saying she has missed seeing me at school and she is happy to come over if I left some of my DD clothes in the porch. She made out she was doing me a favor...I really felt like I had mug on my head. How would you deal with it. !! We only see each other through school..

OP posts:
Mamabear425 · 30/08/2020 01:01

I would make a joke of it and say something like 'bloody hell, she doesn't grow that quick!' And then just maybe offer an invitation for her to explain herself like 'if you really need some stuff, I could ask around for you'

She'll either say that's she's struggling or say no, no it was just on the off chance but I bet she won't be as quick to ask.

That way- you've still come across as helpful but given her an ultimatum to fess up if she actually needs help or is just milking you!

Hope this helps Smile

Nikori · 30/08/2020 01:12

But, surely the OP must be able to see for herself if the girl is wearing her daughter's clothes or not as they go to the same school.

I'd just text back "Thanks so much for the present. DD doesn't have any clothes she's outgrown at the moment" and leave it there.

VeganCow · 30/08/2020 01:28

I would say you will be eBaying any future outgrown clothes as you want to now put the money in your kids savings accounts

Nikori · 30/08/2020 01:45

Are the clothes really nice clothes? My kids are younger, so they just have cheap stuff. I can't imagine anyone being interested in them. Usually by the time they've outgrown them, they are pretty faded and stained.

Durgasarrow · 30/08/2020 01:50

I would ignore it. What's in it for you, after all? The less communication, the better. If she asks in person, say, "Oh, I didn't have anything so I figured you wouldn't want to come over."

WagnersFourthSymphony · 30/08/2020 02:17

What have I just read?

Someone needy aiming hopelessly for reciprocity makes an embarrassingly bad call. Needs children's clothes.

Everyone else analyses the dimensions of their neediness (judged by hair dye, nail varnish and lack of social skills) and judges them un-needy.

Children's old clothes... who wants them?

Carouselfish · 30/08/2020 02:21

NRFT but even if she IS selling them, still shows that she needs the money and if you weren't going to keep them or sell them yourself, what difference does it make to you. Do you have a friendship outside of this? Is she good company? A nice person? If so, YABU.

BoomBoomsCousin · 30/08/2020 03:53

NRFT but even if she IS selling them, still shows that she needs the money

It doesn't show that at all. It shows she getting the money but not that she needs it. Whether she needs it or not isn't something anyone on this thread, even the OP but especially not any of the posters, can know. However, her needing the clothes doesn't make the OP responsible for providing them. If you think this woman should be provided with clothes, PM the OP and ask her to pass on your contact details so you can provide them for her.

The OP is entitled to want her friendships to feel authentic and not to feel obligated to help one particular person just because she has helped her in the past.

oakleaffy · 30/08/2020 05:15

@WagnersFourthSymphony

What have I just read?

Someone needy aiming hopelessly for reciprocity makes an embarrassingly bad call. Needs children's clothes.

Everyone else analyses the dimensions of their neediness (judged by hair dye, nail varnish and lack of social skills) and judges them un-needy.

Children's old clothes... who wants them?

As a child, I was given ''old'' clothes by parent's friend and LOVED getting them- it was such a treat as they were so lovely- beautiful designs and fabrics. I still remember the delight of coming down at breakfast time and seeing a colourful pile on my chair - I think people do donate nice clothes to people's daughters - Maybe more so back then, when there was no selling sites for nicer things.
custardbear · 30/08/2020 05:20

This would piss me off too. My best friends child is a year older than mine and she'd often give me her clothes she's grown out of - I'd never ask her though and we're really close with 30
Years friendship too - you wait to be offered!

Original poster
Highfivemum · 30/08/2020 09:44

Thank you for your comments and views.
Just for info. I am not rich. I am fortunate to have a fab DB and aunt who adore my DC and treat them often. I happily will pass on clothes on and don’t want anything in return but I don’t like feeling like I have too. The examples I gave were just a few. I really don’t like the feeling I am pressured to give them to one person. Who feels entitled then to receive them. She even once saw my daughter in a pair of dungarees and said oh I love them I hope she has a growth spurt soon !! On réflection i see she is not a friend. Yes i am guilty of not growing a pair and saying something I admit. I have let it go on far to long...

OP posts:
RuggerHug · 30/08/2020 10:29

Are people deliberately missing the point that this is the only contact this woman has had with OP? 6 kids including a new born in lock down. Even if she is desperate for clothes(ignoring everything else about nails etc) how much time would it have taken her to send a few texts, or call OP at any point to catch up, ask if she could do anything?

She only got in touch when she realised she needed something- that's the issue!!!

Tootsie321 · 30/08/2020 10:39

@Highfivemum

Thank you for your comments and views. Just for info. I am not rich. I am fortunate to have a fab DB and aunt who adore my DC and treat them often. I happily will pass on clothes on and don’t want anything in return but I don’t like feeling like I have too. The examples I gave were just a few. I really don’t like the feeling I am pressured to give them to one person. Who feels entitled then to receive them. She even once saw my daughter in a pair of dungarees and said oh I love them I hope she has a growth spurt soon !! On réflection i see she is not a friend. Yes i am guilty of not growing a pair and saying something I admit. I have let it go on far to long...
To be honest OP, the comment “She even once saw my daughter in a pair of dungarees and said oh I love them I hope she has a growth spurt soon !!“ would have finished it for me. She is laying claim to your dd’s clothes whilst she is still wearing them! Not only that, she wants them now, before your dd has had a chance to get good wear out of them!

The gift for your 4 month old baby was really quite cheeky. If she had just dropped them off, without the note, I would have thought that this was all she could afford and sincerely thanked her. The note however, shows that she thinks she is entitled to your daughter’s clothes and the gift was just a way to ask for them! Sadly your kindness has made your “friend” take for granted that she will get these clothes and shows that it is them she wants, not you!

Sparticuscaticus · 30/08/2020 11:02

Yeah, OP t last update says it all.

It's not about the clothes, it's about feeling used and always on edge, and f
under pressure as she's so grabby.

Yanbu to only want to have authentic friends around you. As you've realised she isn't, maybe go vague/non committal and blow her off anytime she suggests coffee. 'No thanks, we're a bit busy". If she asks for clothes ' I don't even have time to think about that... must go'

tornadoalley · 30/08/2020 11:03

Tell her you turned into a nudist colony during lockdown and have no clothes to give her.

Apple222 · 30/08/2020 11:16

I would definitely be firm and clear “I haven’t got any clothes...we need them all here now”.

Don’t whatever you do offer her bits along the way though. That will just reinforce the behaviour.

This is not a reciprocal friendship. Say no and mean it.

user1468538201 · 30/08/2020 12:07

A gift is different from the issue here, the op has gifted her plenty in the past but now this person has become almost demanding and expectant of clothes for her daughter. It's not a gift if its given because of pressure by the receiver.

Ohtherewearethen · 30/08/2020 12:35

I'm really surprised at some of the PP's almost aggressive defence of this so-called friend. Being grateful to receive clothes and then believing she is entitled to them (whilst OP's daughter is still actually wearing them) are two different things. Some PP's are painting her to be a desperately poor, struggling single mother with not a penny to spare to clothe her poor children when this is likely far from true. To send a note saying, I will see you if you give me some of your daughter's clothes, is really poor and actually I imagine quite a hurtful note to receive from someone whom you saw as a friend and someone you have previously enjoyed helping. I pass all my baby's clothes onto a friend and she is always very grateful and makes it very clear that she doesn't expect it. Similarly, a friend of mine often passes on some of her child's clothes and I always send a little note and small gift for her child as a thank you. I would never dream of sending her a note saying, I'll only see you if you give me more clothes. I am exceptionally grateful to her as she is doing me a favour, not the other way round as others have suggested. It's never been easier to get rid of outgrown clothes so it's not like you're stuck with them forever if you haven't got a friend to pass them onto.
When a favour becomes expected it is no longer appreciated as the favour it is and often more demands are made (eg. Asking for a dress god her daughter to wear to a party or an item of clothing the daughter is still wearing). She'll be requesting OP only buys particular brands next!

Original poster
Highfivemum · 30/08/2020 12:37

I have texted her thanking her for the thoughtful gift. I was going to not mention clothes but the type of person she is she would have asked again so not wanting to cause waves etc i said “ unfortunately I don’t have any clothes to pass on to you. If I do have any that I wish to give you I will let you know.
I am sitting waiting for response now 🤞 I am a real wuss I think. Either that or sleep deprivation is getting to me.

OP posts:
pictish · 30/08/2020 12:38

I think that’s a good response.

disappointingdessert · 30/08/2020 12:50

If she wants to salve her conscience about being better off, financially, not morally or emotionally

😂😂😂

She doesn't need to 'salve her conscience'. It's not a crime to own clothes.

Mary46 · 30/08/2020 12:51

She very cheeky. Yeh that was a good reply. I find people really brazen. !!

Jeremyironsnothing · 30/08/2020 12:53

Just say you are keeping them for your new baby. Or if it's a different sex, you will be swapping the clothes with another friend who will give you clothes suitable for your new baby in exchange for yours.

billy1966 · 30/08/2020 13:26

Good reply OP.
YANBU.

LadyLairdArgyll · 30/08/2020 13:28

well done OP 🌺

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