WTF would you do. ? So called friend !!!!

[Highfivemum]

Long story . I have a friend who I know through school. She has two DD. I have 6 DC ( 2 DD and 4 DS). Over the 6 years I have know her I have always given her my DD clothes they have outgrown. I feel for her as she is a Single parent and doesn't work. Last year I gave some of my DD outfits to another friend at school who helped me out when I needed her and she commented that she could have done with the clothes. I didn’t take much notice as I didn’t know if it was said in jest but it stuck with me. Then at the beginning of the year she asked me if my daughter had outgrown one of her dresses as she had a party. I stupidly pick a few of my daughters dresses that were getting to small and gave her them. I said to my DH i was going to move away from the friendship as I wasn’t happy that I was being used. I really am happy to help but felt she was over stepping mark. I had my last DC in April And due to covid haven’t seen her. She messaged last week and said she will drop a gift off and leave it on the porch I thanked her. When I opened the present it was a two pairs of socks along with a note saying she has missed seeing me at school and she is happy to come over if I left some of my DD clothes in the porch. She made out she was doing me a favor...I really felt like I had mug on my head. How would you deal with it. !! We only see each other through school..

@TorgosPizza

The rudeness comes in when the "friend" gets snippy about OP daring to give some of her own daughter's clothes to someone other than the "friend".

It's also rude to give a very cheap gift and in the same breath ask for more clothes! And she didn't even have the grace to phrase it as a thank you and a gentle hint, but more as though it's expected that of course OP will continue to give all clothes to her, and btw, just tell her when the next load is ready to pick up.

But so what?

It seems clear this woman has a low income.

OP has had clothes to pass on. Friend happy to get them.

What's the problem about her asking again? OP can give them - or not.

I am mystified about all the drama and hand-wringing.

It's about some old clothes!

@greengreengrass14 you seem determined to be offended. Let them eat cake is hardly relevant, those individuals had no food and no means of getting some... this lady is pushing for hand me downs that she assumes the OP will give to her... she has an alternative... don’t spend the money on hair and nails, spend it on clothing your child instead.

I should add, he had no idea, he is a high earner but she spaffed all the money on shite and then had to borrow from other people to cover the shopping/bills money that was in their joint account that she had blown.

Would love to see you but don’t have anything spare at the moment ...

Just say you've decided to start selling them now to make a bit of extra cash but she can have first refusal.

@greengreengrass14

Are you sure you’re on the right thread?

Some mad responses on here!

I think the op has been v.kind !

@PyongyangKipperbang

I know someone, used to be a friend but not anymore as you will see, that did the same.

That's absolutely not the same!

In the case you describe, that woman took money, deceptively, from a friend.

In this case, OP's friend is asking for old clothes. Possibly somewhat cheeky but is going to have no material effect on OP.

I don’t understand the issue. I’ assume she is absolutely broke and in need.
And if your dd has outgrown the clothes, aren’t you happy to be rid of them? I’m always really pleased when I find someone to give them to so they’re not taking up space 🤷‍♀️

Seems like a massive overreaction to me. She may genuinely think she’s doing you a favour. With 2 young kids I have stuff dumped on me ALL THE F*ING time, which suggests that people are really wanting to get rid of kids stuff /clothes and want to feel like they are being reused/loved (I have problems the opposite to you as I can never say no, but if I don’t want it it goes to charity). Also there is a massive online movement about reusing kids stuff, maybe she just assumed you were ‘one of those’ who offered your 2nd hand stuff for ethical reasons ? Either way I wouldn’t cut off a genuine friendship because of this, I’d just say you have none to give right now. If you’re going to give them to charity anyway I can’t see a problem with giving them to someone who might need them (giving her the BOTD) or sell them if you want money for them. I can’t speak for all regions but all the charity shops round our way that I frequent have said they are absolutely snowed under with stuff because of the backlog and people having lockdown clear outs.

It’s the underhand pretence at friendship with the 4 months late sock gift that makes her seem cheeky to me. No one wants to feel used.

I'd probably make a jokey but firm comment OP to tell her you'll let her know if you have any clothes. She might be very hard up and having a bad time.

If she asks again, what is the truth? That you are holding onto them in case you have another, have another friend you promised them to, giving them to charity...

It is also okay to just not want to feel obligated.

If I felt cornered I'd say "I was happy to give that stuff to you and I might have some things for you in the future but I'd rather just let you know rather than feel under pressure to hand things over"

I don't know. I'm not the most diplomatic

With 2 young kids I have stuff dumped on me ALL THE F*ING time, which suggests that people are really wanting to get rid of kids stuff /clothes and want to feel like they are being reused/loved

You sound quite aggressive about this.

Can't you just say no?

OP's friend has clearly indicated she wants the clothes.

I have this. It's harder for me to get out of due to who it is. Not even a box of chocolates... I know it's nice to give, but still.
I ebay the really nice stuff now.

Who is the 'freind' here.

I don't think it is the OP. And no, I'm not on the 'wrong' thread.

Differnet meaning of 'entitled'.

OP clearly has some stuff going on about needing to be 'needed' and judging other people for their circumstances.

We are in a global pandemic here.

Who on earth does she think she is?

She doesn't want to donate so someone.

Well don't.

and don't whinge about decisions afterwards.

If she wants to salve her conscience about being better off, financially, not morally or emotionally

chuck the stuff in the recycling bin instead.

No integrity of OP. At all .

You sound quite aggressive about this.

Can't you just say no?

No, that’s my problem. I literally can’t say no to people who I think probably just have best intentions. I’ve tried the whole ‘well we have very limited space’ and it finds its way over anyway. By god it’s annoying. However on the flip side said ‘hoarders by proxy’ have occasionally bought over really good stuff that my kids love.

Wow

Op she's acting entitled if you ask me.
I would feel insulted getting 2 pairs of socks while you have basically clothed her daughter. Unfortunately some people have no morals. It says more about her than you.

I'd reply along the lines of : thank you for the gift. Unfortunately I have no clothes to give away at present. All the best

She may clothe her daughter in future with the money she spends on hair and nails

She may clothe her daughter in future with the money she spends on hair and nails

Horrible, judgey thing to say 😡

Fucks sakes OP ignore the goady bullshit. I was also a single parent when my DD was little with fuck all and I never presumed anyone owed me anything. I certainly was not getting my haircut (cut it myself for well over 3 years) or nails or even really buying myself clothes. All of DDs stuff was from charity shops and primark. This is exactly why some people have such a shit perception of SPs when you see some with lovely clothes, nails, hair done whilst banging on about how they cant afford to feed and clothe their DC. Nope I'm not expecting SP to so around in rags, but at least provide your DC with the basics first. I've been there and it might be tight but more than do-able.

She is being grabby, and making you now feel you have to pass stuff on. That note is so cheeky, she has just shown you that she is only using you. Just say to her when she asks you've given them to somebody else who needed them or you are selling them yourself. I will bet you she doesn't get in contact with you again.

What I’m saying is, it’s considered as much of a favour to take people’s old stuff sometimes, as it is to give it. If you think your old stuff is worth something and you’re prepared to sell it, go for it. But don’t give old stuff away and start getting ‘selective’ about who it is, if you're giving to a charity shop, or a family that may genuinely reuse that stuff, you really don’t need to worry about it anymore.

I agree @Dinocan

It depends, if she really is struggling I have a great deal of sympathy for her. She might think she can be more straightforward with you as you have been friends forever