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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WTF would you do. ? So called friend !!!!

252 replies

Highfivemum · 29/08/2020 19:52

Long story . I have a friend who I know through school. She has two DD. I have 6 DC ( 2 DD and 4 DS). Over the 6 years I have know her I have always given her my DD clothes they have outgrown. I feel for her as she is a Single parent and doesn't work. Last year I gave some of my DD outfits to another friend at school who helped me out when I needed her and she commented that she could have done with the clothes. I didn’t take much notice as I didn’t know if it was said in jest but it stuck with me. Then at the beginning of the year she asked me if my daughter had outgrown one of her dresses as she had a party. I stupidly pick a few of my daughters dresses that were getting to small and gave her them. I said to my DH i was going to move away from the friendship as I wasn’t happy that I was being used. I really am happy to help but felt she was over stepping mark. I had my last DC in April And due to covid haven’t seen her. She messaged last week and said she will drop a gift off and leave it on the porch I thanked her. When I opened the present it was a two pairs of socks along with a note saying she has missed seeing me at school and she is happy to come over if I left some of my DD clothes in the porch. She made out she was doing me a favor...I really felt like I had mug on my head. How would you deal with it. !! We only see each other through school..

OP posts:
Original poster
Highfivemum · 29/08/2020 21:29

@willowmelangell

Say you are giving them to charity shop as the shops have been hit hard by Covid lock down. She can hardly argue with logic of that!
That’s a really good idea 💡. I would love to do that too. Lots of shops have suffered. Thx
OP posts:
BlogTheBlogger · 29/08/2020 21:31

You may get a "charity begins at home @Highfivemum" kind of reply from her! She sounds the kind of entitled person who would try and make YOU feel bad giving to charity, and not her. No good deed goes unpunished sadly

Saz12 · 29/08/2020 21:31

It’s good to make use of stuff that would otherwise go to waste. I’m delighted to offload outgrown clothes, as often charity shops don’t want kids clothes (overwhelmed with them!).
But. I’d not be happy to feel like I was being “milked” for what Id give away.

My preference would be to be direct: “I enjoy your company and want to see you. Sometimes it suits both of us for me to give you DDs outgrown things. But it feels like you only want to spend time with me if I give you something... and I don’t want or need that sort of friendship”. Either she’ll apologise and be mortified or you’ll not see her again.

LadyLairdArgyll · 29/08/2020 21:34

She landed on her feet huh, OP has clothed her DD for 6 years now. Confused

yes OP she's taking the piss, I'd sell them or pass them onto someone who will be grateful and not entitled. Flowers

p.s. you are very kind OP Smile

fuandylp · 29/08/2020 21:34

When I opened the present it was a two pairs of socks along with a note saying she has missed seeing me at school and she is happy to come over if I left some of my DD clothes in the porch.

That's really cheeky.
But how desperate is she?
Sometimes desperation makes people come across badly - if you really can't afford clothes she could be completely reliant on your hand-me-downs.

SunbathingDragon · 29/08/2020 21:36

I’d be surprised if she is selling them. Unless they were expensive in the first place, clothes that have been worn for a year or so have little resale value. A quick look at my local Marketplace shows bin bags full of clothes for sale for anywhere between £5-£10 all in. So she would be making very little for the clothes and it being a lot of hassle to photograph and list them.

EarringsandLipstick · 29/08/2020 21:36

My preference would be to be direct: “I enjoy your company and want to see you. Sometimes it suits both of us for me to give you DDs outgrown things. But it feels like you only want to spend time with me if I give you something... and I don’t want or need that sort of friendship”.

What?

Dear God. Talk about a massive over-reaction. I would never say this to someone.

OP, the whole thing seems like an over-reaction to me but I see I'm alone in that!

Give her the clothes or don't - don't bother saying anything. No need for a fuss.

Yes, she's a bit entitled but if these are old clothes that you don't need any longer, so what if she indicates she wants them? It sounds like she is actually in need of them.

However, if you don't want to, then don't. No need for handwringing or any angst over it 🤷🏻‍♀️

SunbathingDragon · 29/08/2020 21:37

@willowmelangell

Say you are giving them to charity shop as the shops have been hit hard by Covid lock down. She can hardly argue with logic of that!
Is this true in the OP’s area though? Some of the local charity shops here have been so inundated with people who have taken the lockdown to sort through their houses have had clear outs that you have to book an appointment to drop things off because they can’t handle more coming in.
IzRay1219 · 29/08/2020 21:40

Can't believe this women!!

Its the thankyou we get these days.
I'd say just stop giving her clothes now. But after reading abit about her she defo seems the type who would keep asking. Some people don't feel ashamed to ask, yet we feel ashamed to say no at times.
God bless you dear x

Fishypants · 29/08/2020 21:46

At my bog standard salon, gel nails cost £30

Bleached hair highlights at my hairdressers start at £60.

2 pairs of baby socks I bought last week from Morrison's £3.

I would seriously distance myself, think she will scarper once the freebies dry up.

LadyLairdArgyll · 29/08/2020 21:52

At my bog standard salon, gel nails cost £30

Wow, is that truly how much those cost? Shock

greengreengrass14 · 29/08/2020 21:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TorgosPizza · 29/08/2020 21:55

I'd ignore the clothes comment, then if (when) she asks again, tell her that your daughter hasn't grown out of much lately... or she's been harder on her clothes this year, and by the time they're outgrown they're too worn to pass along... or that you've passed the latest batch along to someone else.

She seems the type to possibly make a passive aggressive comment or two, but you can always pretend not to hear or understand. If her arrows just bounce off you, she'll eventually get the message. It's nice to be generous, but now she's becoming presumptuous and demanding. I wouldn't feel inclined to give her anything for a while. Especially not if there are other children who could also use the clothes!

BlogTheBlogger · 29/08/2020 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn as it quotes a deleted post.

Fishypants · 29/08/2020 21:59

Yes, I'm in the Midlands, and it's even more for a French manicure.

It's the reason why my nails are still shaped like Tom Cruises original teeth.

BoomBoomsCousin · 29/08/2020 21:59

@willowmelangell

Say you are giving them to charity shop as the shops have been hit hard by Covid lock down. She can hardly argue with logic of that!
While this is a nice thing to do seems like an easy way out, if you have difficulty being assertive, this sort of thing can push you into a corner and end up with you making promises you don’t want to keep. If you end up gifting some to someone else and she notices or if the charity shop shuts down, or if CF says “oh, I’m donating some of DC’s too, I’ll pick yours up and drop them off for you.”, or one of many things. You need to learn to tell her that you aren’t giving them to her without telling her what you are doing with them. If you really feel like you can’t just ignore/say you don’t have any,/don’t know when you’ll have any/etc. then be vaguer than (even if the charity shop is what you actually do), something more along the lines of “No need to pick any up, I have other plans.” Or “They’re already spoken for.” With no detail that she can catch you out on.
Idontlikeyoghurt · 29/08/2020 22:01

I'd rather give them to the charity shop. She's sounds a CF and entitled!

greengreengrass14 · 29/08/2020 22:02

Course not. The 'great unwashed' have no right to be 'entitled' to anything.

But those who are 'better off' like the OP. clearly DO.

She should write a note to her so called friend which says

Let them eat cake.

and for those on this thread who missed the historical reference.

Google it.

EarringsandLipstick · 29/08/2020 22:03

being understandably put out by someone asking for more?

What's so awful about this? Genuinely?

As I said, OP doesn't have to give them but why is it so terrible if her to ask?

greengreengrass14 · 29/08/2020 22:03

oliver twist asked for more too

TorgosPizza · 29/08/2020 22:16

The rudeness comes in when the "friend" gets snippy about OP daring to give some of her own daughter's clothes to someone other than the "friend".

It's also rude to give a very cheap gift and in the same breath ask for more clothes! And she didn't even have the grace to phrase it as a thank you and a gentle hint, but more as though it's expected that of course OP will continue to give all clothes to her, and btw, just tell her when the next load is ready to pick up.

BunnyLovesBananas · 29/08/2020 22:17

She sounds very cheeky OP

Just to ignore her. Text her to thank her for the gift.

If she brings it up again I'd then say "If I have anything to pass on to your DD I will let you know" She might be in beef but it's cheeky to keep asking and you don't owe her anything.

ThrawnCow · 29/08/2020 22:19

Ignore the GF, OP.

Shizzlestix · 29/08/2020 22:19

To explicitly ask you is just beyond cheeky! I wouldn’t even dignify her cheek with a response.

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/08/2020 22:21

I know someone, used to be a friend but not anymore as you will see, that did the same.

She doesnt drive and would ask one particular mutual friend (who has now seen that she is a soft touch) for a lift shopping. then "someone" would have forgotten her purse or have not enough money, so mutual friend would pay. But that night "someone" would be in the pub, getting rounds of shots in.

Again, not short of money but she would definitely prioritise drinking over providing food for her kids or buy electricity on the card meter. She would do this. Ask for freebies right left and centre and then sell them on.

To this day she cannot work out why her husband left her and took the kids with him........

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